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Oh man.... I fucked up. **please lock**

joshua1joshua1 Registered User regular
edited September 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Please lock this thread.

joshua1 on
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Posts

  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    you make no excuses, so why did you do it? "dunno it just happened" isn't a good reason for stuff to happen

    also: you can't prove yourself to her any more, you've killed the trust. Even if you stay together, she'll always wonder if you're cheating on her

    if you want to be with your ex, be with your ex. Don't text or facebook her all flirty while your current gf sits in another room

    you can try some big romantic gesture and apologize for days but chances are this relationship is dying, however slowly it happens

    you fucked up
    you might have to deal with the fact that you fucked up
    you might have to take a breakup

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    So what actually happened? Did you kiss? Did you fuck? Did you date? Did you tell your ex your current girlfriend means nothing to you and that you never stopped loving her?

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Aldo wrote: »
    So what actually happened? Did you kiss? Did you fuck? Did you date? Did you tell your ex your current girlfriend means nothing to you and that you never stopped loving her?

    Yeah it really depends on the context of said discussions. If you just chatted up with your ex about old times and stuff i really dont see how you did anything wrong, let alone a breach of trust. I used to chat to a few of my ex's while with my most recent GF, a lot of them are still good friends of mine and the relationship just didn't work out. I dont see anything wrong with chatting with an ex and talking about old times, as long as its totally innocent and not hardcore flirting and talking badly about your current GF.

    MARKIISIGFORUMSIZE_zps17defe18.png
    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2009
    If you "feel like doing silly things to yourself that are selfish" you need step away from the keyboard and go talk to a friend or family member about what you're feeling RIGHT NOW.

    Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.
  • Funguy McAidsFunguy McAids Registered User
    edited September 2009
    I think its possible to earn her trust back depending on the type of people you are and how much you can communicate.

    I have a buddy that cheated, but he somehow made his girl trust him and they married and are a happy couple now; no problems.

    You say you were only talking to your ex and made some lewd dialogue. That's not the most serious of offenses. I think a dude can crawl his way out of that hole with lots of begging, hugs, kisses, time spent, and orgasms given.

  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread King of the Forest Camphor TreeRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You're boned. Apologize to the girlfriend and take whatever punishment she gives out.

  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Own up to your mistake, cut your ties with your ex, and do what it takes to earn your current girlfriend's trust back if you really want it. Though a major part of that is going to be time anyway. There's no quick fix for this.

    PSN: allenquid
  • PaperPrittPaperPritt Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Whoa there, where are the brakes on this thread ?!

    Let me get this straight... you.. you TALKEDto your ex? aaaaand where in the world does that constitue some kind of offense one might be pissed about ?

    I mean, do you honestly think that because you broke up with someone you can't talk to him/her anymore ever after ? That they disappear from the face of the earth form some reason?

    So it got lewdy and romantic, well big surprises here chief, you actually had sex with that person, remenber?

    If all you ever did was talk..then.. explain that to your gf. Last i heard you still have the right to talk to anyone you want to.

  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I talk to my ex girlfriends too. We don't talk about that one time in bed and how romantic it was. Nor is it a secret kept from my SO. I agree there's nothing wrong with talking to your ex unless you're specifically not telling your SO about it.

    PSN: allenquid
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread King of the Forest Camphor TreeRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I got the impression that the ex-talks had been an ongoing thing, which is a bit different than having a one-off conversation.

  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    joshua1 wrote: »
    Jesus.

    I messed up. I messed up real bad.

    My current gf found out that I have been talking to my ex. and it got pretty lewd at times, and pretty romantic at times when we reminisced.

    Yea, people are allowed to talk to their ex, but I get the feeling the OP's conversations weren't just "hey, how you doing?" sort of thing.

    Spoiler:
  • weirdone333weirdone333 Registered User
    edited September 2009
    It sounds to me like you weren't just 'shooting the shit'

    If she really means that much to you you should show her that you really care about her...bring her flowers and tell her how sorry you are.

    She might have not trust you for a little while but I'm sure if you guys mean a lot to each other you can work it out;

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • MrOlettaMrOletta Registered User
    edited September 2009
    I don't think one can casually dismiss the OPs predicament as silly because they were simply talking.

    From the sound of it, what was ongoing with his ex sounds like emotional infidelity which can sometimes leave a much deeper wound than physical infidelity. At least with physical infidelity you can say:

    "But sweetheart, it was just a fuck. I've put more emotion in a handshake"

    In any case, OP, yes I think it's possible to get through this, but understand it might require you to cease contact for the time being with your ex. I say this not as a compromise, but simply because it sounds like something might still be there. That can be dangerous territory to tread.

  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Fortunately for you, your overreaction lends credibility to your repentance.

    All your apologies and lamentations are still just words, though. The onus is completely on you to put appropriate action to these words. Hopefully your girlfriend will let you, as it's her prerogative whether or not she even gives you the chance; she might not and you can't really hold it against her if she chooses not to.

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  • joshua1joshua1 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    It was more than shooting the breeze.

    The worst of it was there was a message from her from when my current gf and I were a year into our relationship. At that point I was still talking to the ex alot, because I
    such a wimp that I avoided any conflict that I couldn't cut ties with the ex, and during the same time I wasn't sure if the relationship with my current gf was going to work out.

    This email was long winded, profound and while it wasn't disparaging of current gf, it didn't paint her in the best light. After this email, things came to a head and I decided that the girl I am actually with will be the one. I try my best to end it softly with the ex, but since I have some horrible compulsion to shift blame, I turned it into some huge fight about nothing in the hopes she will hate me enough not to want to talk with me anymore.

    So this is all 1 year ago.

    Hating myself for hurting someones feelings, I reply to an email she sent me 6 months ago. These emails are just civil, and me helping her out with some problems she is having. I refer to her as Hun, and sign love, but I mean it in a platonic sense.

    Cut to a week ago. She sends me a message remarking that I look good, and she can tell that my quest to loose weight seems to be working. My current gf was away at her familiy when I got this, and after getting thorughly plastered alone, as is my wont, I replied saying thanks, and that I was thinking naughty things about her.

    And then that's all the messages. Eugh, I hate myself for it, and I don't want villification.

    Just another incident in my self supporting cycle of selfdestrution wherein I manipulate the world and those around me to make my physical and emotional self mirror my mental self. Something that I have been doing since god damn grade 4, and only this week found the guts to go talkto a professional about.

    Fantastic timing.

    Last night I tried my best to articulate this to my gf, and she was the first person in the world to hear the whole story. From start to finish. And I know that it may seem like I am trying to find an excuse to justify my actions, but I'm not.

    We slept in the same bed, and hugged.

    This morning she told me that if i can't show her that I am worthty of trust, she is leaving at the end of the week. I need to show her that I love her, but my thoughts are filled with the static of self loathing, preemptive sorrow and guilt.

    I don't know what to do that doesn't seem fake or trying to buy her back.

    I know I can't live without her, because she is the only reason I'm living for in the first place. But I don't want to tell her this because that's the cruellest blackmail that there ever could be.

  • SeolSeol Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I would say that you've done nothing you need to feel particularly guilty about. You spoke to an ex, you said something slightly suggestive after getting drunk (but didn't do anything), you've been in contact with her a total of three times in the last year. That's not infidelity.

    That said, you clearly do feel guilty about it - very much so - which makes me wonder whether this is masking something else. Possibly you do still feel for the ex, or possibly you're feeling like you don't belong in your current relationship. You also seem very focused on this idea of being self-destructive, and I can't help but feel that your concerns about this "situation" are driven principally by that. Sounds to me like your problem isn't the contact with your ex, but your emotional state, and if you've started seeing someone about that, I would make this issue one of the priority things to talk to them about.

  • EuphoriacEuphoriac Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    This isn't just about you anymore. She's giving you a chance to earn her trust because she wants to trust you. Stop the self-loathing crap and work on making things right!

    Also yes, therapy would help a bunch. Something started off this self-destructive cycle and finding out what that is would go along way to straightening yourself out.

    steam_sig.png
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You two married or something?

  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Giving you till the end of the week is kind of weird

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  • AwkAwk Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Javen wrote: »
    Giving you till the end of the week is kind of weird

    No?

    Anyway, time to move on. If she isnt willing to forgive you, then its the end of that. Keep working on losing weight, join a gym or sports team, and find a new lady. Remember, it happened with your other ex right? The pain in your new situation is not unique.

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Look really, she's allowed to be angry. But tell her this. You had the option of not telling her and you told her anyway because you want to tell her everything. And you are seeing someone to help you about your personal problems.

    Personally I think you are in the clear, but I'm not sleeping with you so my opinion means Jack. I would however make it abundantly clear to your girlfriend it was three times over an entire year.

    Then stop beating yourself up over this, man up and take your lady to dinner or something.

  • Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    PaperPritt wrote: »
    Whoa there, where are the brakes on this thread ?!

    Let me get this straight... you.. you TALKEDto your ex? aaaaand where in the world does that constitue some kind of offense one might be pissed about ?

    I mean, do you honestly think that because you broke up with someone you can't talk to him/her anymore ever after ? That they disappear from the face of the earth form some reason?

    So it got lewdy and romantic, well big surprises here chief, you actually had sex with that person, remenber?

    If all you ever did was talk..then.. explain that to your gf. Last i heard you still have the right to talk to anyone you want to.

    Look at this from the girl's point of view.

    Boyfriend loves me, we're serious and it's a full blown relationship. Suddenly I find out he's been talking to his ex? And not just as friends, but going into sexual territory? What's to say he isn't considering revisiting his old flame? What's to say he already hasn't?

    It's just adding paranoia onto insecurities and it's a serious matter.

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  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Look at this from the girl's point of view.

    Boyfriend loves me, we're serious and it's a full blown relationship. Suddenly I find out he's been talking to his ex? And not just as friends, but going into sexual territory? What's to say he isn't considering revisiting his old flame? What's to say he already hasn't?

    It's just adding paranoia onto insecurities and it's a serious matter.
    I'd agree with you, but it was three times over a year and once was a big long talk about their relationship which probably made him realise what he had.

  • MrMonroeMrMonroe Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    hey joshua

    do you want the easy version or do you want a kick in the ass?

    the easy version has you being at fault and lets you be sad about how you did this to yourself, and the kick in the ass has you taking some responsibility for fixing this

    edit: you know what?

    here's the kick in the ass:
    Awk wrote: »
    Javen wrote: »
    Giving you till the end of the week is kind of weird

    No?

    Anyway, time to move on. If she isnt willing to forgive you, then its the end of that. Keep working on losing weight, join a gym or sports team, and find a new lady. Remember, it happened with your other ex right? The pain in your new situation is not unique.

    yes, it is weird

    it's exceedingly weird
    You wrote:
    And then that's all the messages. Eugh, I hate myself for it, and I don't want villification.

    but this is a lie. these are some painfully minor transgressions and yet you're flipping your shit over it. Clearly being vilified is exactly what you do want, especially with the way you tried to get rid of your ex a year ago. Now you're doing that again with your current girlfriend; trying to make yourself out to be the bad guy so you can receive your due punishment. Why? Because you want to end this relationship? Because you don't feel worthy of this relationship?

    oh hey and this:
    You wrote:
    I know I can't live without her, because she is the only reason I'm living for in the first place. But I don't want to tell her this because that's the cruellest blackmail that there ever could be.

    this is some straight-up, played-out, horse shit

    I have felt that way before and it is horse shit

    I was going to use it as an excuse for murdering myself and I know now it was horse.
    shit, and in your situation you're clearly not thinking straight, especially when you were the one to bring it to her attention.

    You don't need anyone to stop you from killing yourself and the very moment you start thinking otherwise you do this right the fuck away. If you want other advice you can ask, but I'm just going to tell you to go to the hospital and ask for a psych eval, and to take the voluntary commitment if they suggest it.

    here's how it goes down:

    1) you go to therapy with this (not optional)
    2) you figure out whether you care about this current girlfriend and

    if yes) tell her you want her to stay around but that there's nothing extraordinary you can do to make her believe that. Either she believes you and she stays or she doesn't believe you, in which case she is overreacting.

    if no) tell her you feel terrible, that you can't prove anything to her, and you figure you need some time to figure things out

    3) stop fucking talking to your ex, you fool

    </asskicking>

  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    It would be best to ask her what she needs to see that you're faithful to her. Dependent on her demands you may have a good gauge of just how much she's into this relationship as well. Too lax or strict she may be looking to end it solidly being your fault.

    Talking with exes should really be relegated to sober periods of time. Alcohol seldom helps with ANY decision, especially when you're lonely and your GF is nowhere to be found.

    Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
  • RohaqRohaq Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    She's punishing you.

    And rightly so: She wants you to feel guilty about what you've done, and to try and make it up to her to show her how much you really care about her.

    The good news is that you already feel guilty, it's time to humble up and do something to show her how much you care about her.

    You might have to ask her. She may or may not tell you, since just doing what she says may just be lip service, rather than actual heartfelt actions.

    Also, stop having goddamned sexual convos with your ex. For fuck's sake.

    Spoiler:
  • joshua1joshua1 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    The end of the week thing is because we live together. And her parents is 1hr away. And she has uni commitments where we are, with her being a Med student it's a big deal. A very big deal.

    There is no way that anything other than talking happened and my current gf knows this. The ex lives on the other side of the world.

    I wasn't the one to bring it to her attention. She saw it in my emails when she was trying to find the details for my med school application. So she could try and find some details to help me prepare for an entrance interview.

    I then told her the whole story. I am in the wrong. I always have been.

    3 fucking amazing years with her ripped away because I am fucking wimp and didn't want the conflict of ending a relationship.

    Destroyed because I wasn't fucking man enough to confess earlier. I fucking wanted to, but I was terrified she would bolt all those years ago. I didn't want to lose her then, but I have lost her for sure now.

    I can't take this, not now, not with my thesis due. I can't. But it's no ones fault but my own.

  • RohaqRohaq Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Then stop snivelling and do something about it.

    She obviously wants you to work to keep her, and I think that's the least you should be doing. Show her you care about her and stop wallowing around like some kind of one man pity party.

    Spoiler:
  • LoneIgadzraLoneIgadzra Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Edit: ^ what he said ^

  • QinguQingu Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I think you should chill out and get some perspective.

    Yes, you fucked up. Yes, your girlfriend has a right to be very angry with you. But this is really not the end of the world.

    Adultery is a Very Bad Thing, but lots of couples survive it. And you haven't even strictly committed adultery.

    You clearly feel very guilty about this and are willing to apologize and cut off your ex. In my opinion, your ex should forgive you and move on. Maybe she won't. But just be honest with her, let her be angry, and try to earn back her trust.

  • GirlPantsGirlPants Registered User
    edited September 2009
    joshua1 wrote: »
    The end of the week thing is because we live together. And her parents is 1hr away. And she has uni commitments where we are, with her being a Med student it's a big deal. A very big deal.

    There is no way that anything other than talking happened and my current gf knows this. The ex lives on the other side of the world.

    I wasn't the one to bring it to her attention. She saw it in my emails when she was trying to find the details for my med school application. So she could try and find some details to help me prepare for an entrance interview.

    I then told her the whole story. I am in the wrong. I always have been.

    3 fucking amazing years with her ripped away because I am fucking wimp and didn't want the conflict of ending a relationship.

    Destroyed because I wasn't fucking man enough to confess earlier. I fucking wanted to, but I was terrified she would bolt all those years ago. I didn't want to lose her then, but I have lost her for sure now.

    I can't take this, not now, not with my thesis due. I can't. But it's no ones fault but my own.

    Well, you seem like a pretty huge faggot to me, but besides that, if your gf is gonna bolt over you talking to your ex, chances are, she was gonna bolt anyway. Chicks don't bolt over one incident unless there are underlying problems. Ya you messed up, but this was probably just a catalyst for the inevitable. I say this because my last relationship ended this way and I felt guilty for a while until i accepted that there was a lot more problems than I wanted to believe. Take some time to get over it. Start meeting new chicks, you will make it out alive.

  • joshua1joshua1 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    But what the hell can anyone do that won't look like lip service? Or just tawdry trying to buy someone back?

    I AM a huge faggot. I'm not denying it.

    I just want what's right for my gf, and if that is leave me, then fine.

    But she is going to try and hurt herself. I already stopped her once last night, and I'm not there 24/7 to prostrate before her and take the tools out of her hands.

    Jesus fuck. This has to be a nightmare. It can't be real.

  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man, hate to sound cold, but this kid needs to grow up and realized that in an adult relationship there's going to be time when the relationship sucks.

    The story doesn't end at 'and they lived happily ever after', and if this chick needs to hurt herself to prove something, let her hurt herself to prove how selfish she is.

    To sound less cold, it sounds like you two needs some help.

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  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    joshua1 wrote: »
    I AM a huge faggot. I'm not denying it.
    In all honesty? I would wager this attitude would be what drives her away more than anything else.

    More importantly, if your girlfriend is trying to hurt herself then you need to get her help.

    PSN: allenquid
  • QinguQingu Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    joshua1 wrote: »
    But what the hell can anyone do that won't look like lip service? Or just tawdry trying to buy someone back?

    I AM a huge faggot. I'm not denying it.

    I just want what's right for my gf, and if that is leave me, then fine.

    But she is going to try and hurt herself. I already stopped her once last night, and I'm not there 24/7 to prostrate before her and take the tools out of her hands.

    Jesus fuck. This has to be a nightmare. It can't be real.
    First of all, don't casually identify yourself as an ignorant slur thrown around by an ignorant person.

    Secondly, let's not beat around the bush anymore: you've made a few thinly veiled threats to cut yourself on here, and now it looks like your girlfriend also does this. Far be it for Random Person On The Internet to lecture you about the dangers of doing this; I'm sure you're well aware. If this is how you feel, you should talk to a counselor of a psychologist, and so should your girlfriend.

    And that's not the end of the world either.

    Edit: I think, if there is a consensus on here for advice, it's that you need to calm down!

  • RohaqRohaq Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Sounds like you guys have bigger problems you need to deal with, likely involving the likes of therapy and medication.

    Once those are sorted, perhaps you'll be ready for a healthy relationship that doesn't involve you cutting yourselves at the first sign of Something Bad Happening.

    Spoiler:
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    If sanity had prevailed this wouldn't have gone past "It hurts my feelings when you say those things to her, please don't". My advice is this is all that need be done about it. Hopefully you both can chill the fuck out.

  • KhavallKhavall Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Qingu wrote: »
    First of all, don't casually identify yourself as an ignorant slur thrown around by an ignorant person.

    You know, when I recently had a show up in NYC I had an old-school militant lesbian from the 90s as a director.

    She couldn't stand that my (gay) friends and I would casually sling around the term "Gay", because to her, Gay was a crazy hateful term, and Fag was the correct term. We ended up getting used to calling each other fags and referring to our faggotry and all that, and then it took a while to get used to using Gay again, because Fag had just been completely the standard from working with her.

    Anyways, this isn't D&D so the discussion really shouldn't happen here, but let me just note that it is the most fucking retarded thing in the world that after the crazy-assed gays took back the word fag in response to it being used as a slur it became one again. Goddamn that's stupid.

  • QinguQingu Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Khavall wrote: »
    Qingu wrote: »
    First of all, don't casually identify yourself as an ignorant slur thrown around by an ignorant person.

    You know, when I recently had a show up in NYC I had an old-school militant lesbian from the 90s as a director.

    She couldn't stand that my (gay) friends and I would casually sling around the term "Gay", because to her, Gay was a crazy hateful term, and Fag was the correct term. We ended up getting used to calling each other fags and referring to our faggotry and all that, and then it took a while to get used to using Gay again, because Fag had just been completely the standard from working with her.

    Anyways, this isn't D&D so the discussion really shouldn't happen here, but let me just note that it is the most fucking retarded thing in the world that after the crazy-assed gays took back the word fag in response to it being used as a slur it became one again. Goddamn that's stupid.
    Well, I was under the impression that the only people who throw around the word "fag" are (1) gay people taking it back, (2) people meta-ironically imitating Cartman from South Park or otherwise trapped in bizarre ironic strange loops, and (3) fucking morons.

  • ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    But what the hell can anyone do that won't look like lip service? Or just tawdry trying to buy someone back?

    I AM a huge faggot. I'm not denying it.

    I just want what's right for my gf, and if that is leave me, then fine.

    But she is going to try and hurt herself. I already stopped her once last night, and I'm not there 24/7 to prostrate before her and take the tools out of her hands.

    Jesus fuck. This has to be a nightmare. It can't be real.


    You want to be a Doctor?

    You want people to believe in your ability to save lives and so on and so forth?

    Occam's Razor: Man up, say your sorry, tell her you won't do it again, and get on with being in the dog house for awhile. You're not the first person to flirt with an ex girlfriend over the phone or internet, in fact, it's such a popular thing there are several TV episodes about it.

    This happens all the time, your world isn't ending, get on with it.

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