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Fuck my fucking life (first kiss with a homeless man)

DarwinsFavoriteTortoiseDarwinsFavoriteTortoise Registered User
edited September 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
All right. Let me get something out of the way. I am romantic. I believe in loving a girl, blah blah blah, which is why I am still waiting for the first kiss. Now I've FINALLY found the girl I want, things have been going great, and I'm going to kiss her tomorrow. I expect fireworks to go off. Seriously.

But here's the fucking cockhole bitch of it.

I went to the 7-11 a few hours ago for a midnight milk run. As I'm getting out my debit card, I'm tapped on my shoulder. I turn around and a big fat disgusting wet slobbery every-fucking-nasty-adjective-you-can-think-of kiss is planted on my lips. Some fucking homeless dude (yeah, a goddamn dude) KISSED me! MY FIRST KISS WAS WITH A HOMELESS MAN. He was seriously tweaking out, so I definitely think he was on something, but goddamn. This is something that will stay with me forever.

I just finished brushing my lips for the 100th time and they are nice and raw and clean and devoid of ick. Please, H/A, help, SOMEHOW. My first kiss was supposed to be very special...I mean, its my FIRST KISS. I am seriously nauseous.

The worst part of it is that I could have probably stopped it, if my eyes still weren't focused on entering my pin number when I turned around. Ok, maybe that wasn't the worst part, BUT FUCK.

DarwinsFavoriteTortoise on
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Posts

  • ShamusShamus Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    All right. Let me get something out of the way. I am romantic. I believe in loving a girl, blah blah blah, which is why I am still waiting for the first kiss. Now I've FINALLY found the girl I want, things have been going great, and I'm going to kiss her tomorrow. I expect fireworks to go off. Seriously.

    But here's the fucking cockhole bitch of it.

    I went to the 7-11 a few hours ago for a midnight milk run. As I'm getting out my debit card, I'm tapped on my shoulder. I turn around and a big fat disgusting wet slobbery every-fucking-nasty-adjective-you-can-think-of kiss is planted on my lips. Some fucking homeless dude (yeah, a goddamn dude) KISSED me! MY FIRST KISS WAS WITH A HOMELESS MAN. He was seriously tweaking out, so I definitely think he was on something, but goddamn. This is something that will stay with me forever.

    I just finished brushing my lips for the 100th time and they are nice and raw and clean and devoid of ick. Please, H/A, help, SOMEHOW. My first kiss was supposed to be very special...I mean, its my FIRST KISS. I am seriously nauseous.

    The worst part of it is that I could have probably stopped it, if my eyes still weren't focused on entering my pin number when I turned around. Ok, maybe that wasn't the worst part, BUT FUCK.

    It will still be special.

    It's not that it's your first kiss ever, it's your first kiss with that special someone.

  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I lold. Sorry man but that's fucking hilarious.

    It will be special. It's not like you fucked him. Seriously, there will probably be other girls after this one. How old are you? Young?

  • SceptreSceptre Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    That is unbelievably funny. Basically fate's way of fucking with you.

    Obviously this was a terrible, horrible, disgusting event. But that can't possibly detract from the real first kiss. There is no possible way your first kiss could go any worse than mine did.

  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    first kiss doesn't mean the first time a person's lips touches yours

    it's the first time you meaningfully and purposefully romantically kiss someone and they kiss you back

    I mean you don't count kissing your mother when you were a kid as a first kiss right?

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot WRIGGLY OMG WRIGGLYRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Sorry, you have to marry that homeless dude now. It's the law.

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  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I bet this will make a better (amusing) story than your real first kiss.

  • Hotlead JunkieHotlead Junkie Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Just think of him kissing you like your mommy would.

    Kissing you goodnight

    On your lips.

    Her beard brustling up against your chin.

    Smelling of cheap vodka and cigarettes.



    I'm trying to think of some good advice but this is too damn funny to take seriously.

    Ahem, seriously though. Some gal kissed me in a nightclub a good few years ago but the only time a kiss meant something to me was when I/we were both into it not so long after and I count that as my first real kiss.

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  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    He kissed you, you didn't kiss him.

    Or did you start kissing him back?

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Just think of the homeless dude as your first sexual assault, rather than your first kiss. Problem solved, thread over.

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  • KageraKagera Imitating the worst people. Since 2004Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    The first one sucks anyways.

    My neck, my back, my FUPA and my crack.
  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Kagera wrote: »
    The first one sucks anyways.

    NOPE

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Hmm, I'd be more worried about creepy bum germs than losing my kissvirginity to a random bum.

    That aside, this is a hilarious story, and fates way of telling you to chill out, it's just a kiss.
    Now, if this was about your virginity we'd have a different story going on here.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    EskimoDave wrote: »
    I bet this will make a better (amusing) story than your real first kiss.

    This you have a story that will be really hard to beat the next time people start trading hysterical but terrible stories. This is one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time so relax about it. This will only make your first real nonhobo kiss all the better. Unless that hobo was a great kisser, then you're probably doomed to love only hobos forever.

  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Santabreaker PresentslayerRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    It's the meaning behind the kiss that makes it special.

    The homeless guy thing is hilarious though. Roll with it, laugh about it with friends.

    It's not like you kissed back... dd you?

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  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited September 2009
    At least you have a scapegoat for smoking cigarettes and drinking, and if your girl asks pin it on the hobo make-out session.

    That's also a sweet angry break up line. "THE HOBO WAS A BETTER KISSER THAN YOU!!!" *Storm off*


    Just thinking ahead!

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  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Santabreaker PresentslayerRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    rfalias wrote: »
    At least you have a scapegoat for smoking cigarettes and drinking, and if your girl asks pin it on the hobo make-out session.

    That's also a sweet angry break up line. "THE HOBO WAS A BETTER KISSER THAN YOU!!!" *Storm off*


    Just thinking ahead!

    Even better if she doesn't know the story. :winky:

    Facebook | Amazon | Twitter | Youtube | PSN: ThePain73 | Steam: ThePain73
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  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Now I've FINALLY found the girl I want, things have been going great, and I'm going to kiss her tomorrow. I expect fireworks to go off. Seriously.
    Dear lord you're going to be disappointed.

    PSN: allenquid
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Look at the positive side.

    Least you now have a kissing partner to practice with. Prepare you to date those rare hairy girls.

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  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Look at the positive side.

    Least you now have a kissing partner to practice with. Prepare you to date those rare hairy girls.
    I don't know that hairy homeless women are all that rare.

    PSN: allenquid
  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Quid wrote: »
    Now I've FINALLY found the girl I want, things have been going great, and I'm going to kiss her tomorrow. I expect fireworks to go off. Seriously.
    Dear lord you're going to be disappointed.

    I was thinking this too.
    But, hey... More power to you.

    Edit: Also, how old are you?

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  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Just don't mention she's not your first and you'll be fine.

    Seriously though. While it's pretty disgusting being molested by a stoned hobo, all your weird arbitrary rules here are set by yourself. If you consider that hobo attack a kiss, you have deeper problems than it counting as your first.

    Just write it of as something incredibly weird and let it go.

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  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Fire works do not go off during or after your first kiss. I'm sorry you'll have to talk to the big man up stairs.

    Also; When you finally decide to sleep with this girl, make sure you don't go to a 7-11 to pick up condoms.
    Spoiler:

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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Well, you could go kill yourself over this, which is what your thread title implies.

    Or you could take it as a valuable lesson: take an opportunity for granted and its going to pass you by.

    You wanted your first kiss to be some kind of special shit with flowers and fireworks and maybe some angels singing or something. You basically built it up to be this earth shattering moment that's never going to happen. And even if you had finally found the girl of your dreams, fallen in love with her giant angelina jolie lips and finally screwed up your courage on about the third year of going out together to plant one on her, you'd immediately exclaim after its done, "What the fuck? That's it?"

    Any activity of a sexual nature doesn't get better the longer you wait for it. It gets better the more you practice at it. Anticipation ages less like a fine wine and more like what an 18, 25, 35, or 50 year old man who's never been kissed would expect to age.

    Of course, there's a few diseases transmitted by kissing. You might want to check into that with your doctor before doing any more kissing.

    And one last note, either you can change your mind about how you're going to get laid, or you can just put off till tomorrow what a bum will do for you today.

  • KhavallKhavall Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Oh man this is goddamn beautiful. Simply amazing. I love it so.

    Anyways, yeah, your first kiss won't be "OH MY GOD FIREWORKS". It will be "... oh. that's it? allright". Same with your first time having sex but that will also include "WAIT NOT YET" at the end.

    Also seriously, you have an awesome story now. So really this turned out for the better.

  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Fire works do not go off during or after your first kiss. I'm sorry you'll have to talk to the big man up stairs.

    Also; When you finally decide to sleep with this girl, make sure you don't go to a 7-11 to pick up condoms.
    Spoiler:

    Oh man, please let the same thing happen when visit on your first condom trip. Just for the thread.
    Watch your ass next time, literally!

    Update us after your magic moment. Let's see if fireworks shoot out of the bushes when it happens.
    My first kiss was a short open-mouthed peck practically. Fairly uneventful and spent more time building up to it. After that its much easier and much more fun to go get all sloppy. Which leads to bigger and better things!

    1036440-1.png
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Y'know, just as general advice, what parents other responsible people mean when they say "It will be better if you wait" is that you won't have to fuck in a garage, or an alley, or in between the dumpster and the wall of the 7/11 if you're an adult who lives in his own house instead of a teenager.

    They just don't want to give you ideas for where they fucked when they were kids.

  • DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Sorry, you have to marry that homeless dude now. It's the law.

    In some countries you already are married. Just to be safe, find him, and while you're there, turn around three times, and each time you turn around shout "I DIVORCE YOU!" Technically this only works if your spouse is not menstruating, but there's a pretty low chance of that since it was a guy. I'd check anyway, just to be safe.

    Whether or not you have to give him half your stuff afterward is a matter of local statute. You might want to consult an attorney.

    Spoiler:
  • DeebaserDeebaser Lead Frog Rammer Fake Board GamerRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
  • EuphoriacEuphoriac Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Yes, tell your doctor that you're worried about infection because a bum kissed you.

    However, i wouldn't be surprised if the doctor doesn't believe you at first. God knows i wouldn't :lol:

    steam_sig.png
  • DeadfallDeadfall Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I would probably trade my awkward first kiss for a funny story like that.

    Seriously.

    BKqtjKy.jpg
    xbl - HowYouGetAnts
  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Now you're experienced!

  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited September 2009
    A homeless guy is a pretty low bar, dude. You might be able to do better if you work at it.

  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I don't even remember my first kiss.

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  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited September 2009
    I don't even remember my first kiss.

    Mine is a passing memory now too, and I'm 23....

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  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I don't even remember my first kiss.
    If you keep kissing random dudes behind the 7-11 then it isn't strange that they all kind of blur together.

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • WashWash Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Raneados wrote: »
    first kiss doesn't mean the first time a person's lips touches yours

    it's the first time you meaningfully and purposefully romantically kiss someone and they kiss you back

    I mean you don't count kissing your mother when you were a kid as a first kiss right?

    08owef8ecd0o.jpg

  • underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2009
    He could have at least bought you dinner first.

    Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.
  • InfidelInfidel Heretic Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Yep, laugh it off, you have an awesome story to tell now.

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  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal Flo-ridaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    That's what I was going to say. You've got a story to tell. That's always a plus.

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