Hi there. I'm procrastinating by writing this post.
So if there is one constant in my mind, it is my procrastination. I hesitate to do anything. For instance, right now I'm sitting at home, afraid to go to my friends' house to GM a game because instead of writing down hard and fast rules and ideas I just have nebulous things in my head. Similarly, and MUCH more importantly, I've been putting off writing a resume and putting out applications for a full time job, with my financial aid payments looming in a couple months.
Now before anyone says "well stop procrastinating (idiot)," keep in mind that my mind works on a feedback loop kind of system. I constantly think about the outcomes and possible elements that go on with my life. I have a fairly good idea how I want my game today to go, for instance. I just haven't committed it to paper. This is hurt by the fact that I spend most of my time staring at a computer while my mind works, or otherwise multi-tasking.
Another hit on this comes with my ability to improvise. Because I spend so long planning, when it comes to crunch time I'm able to pull off insane feats. For instance, my graduation paper to get my Bachelor's degree was written in 4 days (including 3 hours to write 18 pages), when most people took 1-2 months. I got an A on it. This kind of shit happens all the time -- One of my teachers once said I was the only guy he ever knew who could never turn in a single piece of homework and still get an A on every test.
I hate living like this, though. If people know me, they know this is a pretty constant complaint. I hesitate on buying shoes or clothes that I need, or even buying food that isn't instant fast food shit. I want to learn to cook but i'm too afraid of screwing it up. I want to exercise, but I can never bring myself to go to the gym. And as I stress more over what I'm procrastinating over as well as the fact that I'm procrastinating itself, my blood pressure rises, my chest kind of hurts, my stomach does somersaults, and I get headaches. In other words, the stress manifests and fucks me.
I used to think a lot of this was self esteem. Now while that is a component, lately a weird thing has been happening: My players in my RPG keep telling me how excellent I am, how it is one of the best games they've been in.. And that only raises my expectations, making it harder for me to function as I try to live up to that high praise. I get this at work a lot lately -- I act like a supervisor without the attached pay because all my bosses put so much trust in me. Now in the past I've been on generic prozac, but it didn't seem to do anything. I really don't know if it is medical or not.
I guess what I'm saying is... IS there any way to help alleviate this? Just small steps would help, or maybe just people encouraging me. I think a lot of my problem stems from that.. I get called an attention whore on some forums, which bugs the crap out of me and makes me feel worse. I'm not trying for that at all.. I'm just looking for help.
Oh, I should mention one of the biggest "procrastination" issues I'm having right now: I want a girlfriend, but I have no fucking clue how to find the right person, if that is even possible, but it's not like I'm even looking -- despite my mom pressuring me to. I want to be in a relationship, I want to have kids, but I feel like I'm getting too old for that to happen. In other words, I feel like I'm procrastinating my life away.
(okay, yeah, there really isn't much anyone can help with in this post, and I should be putting it into a blog or emo thingy or something, but hey. I needed to get this off my chest.)