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Australia - The Land of the Feral Koala Bear [Move Complete!]
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Fixed
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I lol'd hard.
This is pretty much true
Obviously, there are many good reasons to visit Australia. But as a horny middleschooler, the ready availability of porn was the best reason.
Don't go to Canberra. I was raised there. It's a one-horse town.
Melbourne is a great place to live. Everything is organised and convenient, public transport is pretty cheap and consistent, the pubs are numerous and the ladies are pretty. That is, if you like the AZN'S. I sure do.
Explore the alleys, even the dodgy looking ones. Melbourne is safe, despite what the news would have you think. Twice as safe as it was in 2003, apparently. Dive into the cuisine and the coffee shops and the secret hidden clubs. Don't drink coffee at Starbucks, you didn't come all this way to drink American piss-coffee. Hit up Lygon St, Brunswick Rd, Sydney Rd for all your quality cafe needs.
If you'll be travelling in and out of the CBD regularly, invest in a monthly ticket. It's unlimited rides on all trains, trams and buses for a month, what more do you want?
Also, bring one jumper/jacket. Just because it's summer doesn't mean we won't have a few cold/rainy days. This is Melbourne, the city of four seasons in a day.
Check out the beach. We have good beaches and bad ones. St Kilda beach is nice-ish, but there's often a lot of garbage there. A few k's further down the road is Elwood beach, which is pretty much abandoned most days and is all clean and gorgeous.
Try the burgers. Aussie's make the best burgers in the world and anyone that says otherwise is a dirty liar. Our burgers are CREATIONS, not just slabs of meat and processed cheese.
Wear sunblock, even if you think you won't need it.
Finally, drop into Of Science and Swords for all your science fiction and fantasy book needs! We're in the Strand Arcade, on the corner of Elisabeth and Lonsdale streets. Ask for Ruzkin and I'll shake your hand.
VB stands for Victoria Bitter. It has also been rumoured to stand for Very Bad, or Vomit Brew. We have so many incredible beers in Australia, don't waste your time on the cheap ones. Try Bluetongue, Little Creatures, Cascade, Boags, James Squire... all delicious and home-grown.
Also, vegemite is delicious, if you realise in advance that it it's a savoury spread. It's not sweet. It's salty as fuck, but salty can be nice. Spread it very, very thinly on toast with some butter and build up from there. If you can't see the bread through the vegemite, you've used too much.
What? I have lived here my whole life and only seen some boobs and maybe something more interesting on SBS. You are crazy.
Go to Hungary. They show porn on every channel from 11pm onwards. No joke.
Because i'd rather give business to you guys than to borders i'm wondering, how much would shipping cost from Melbourne to Newcastle, and do you stock the Orbit Books paper back editions of the Dresden Files books, the editions you've got up on your website look too nerdy to be see in public with.
Anyway, we're getting off topic. Go to Section 8 in town, it's a bar in an alley that's open-air, just shipping containers and pallets. Best place to spend a summer day.
I didn't find VB so bad, but I guess I got used to it. That's all they'll bloody drink in Maroubra.
My friend tried to put a dent into their culture by introducing everyone to Tooheys Old.
Only they just banned fireworks, so we're down to pollies and porn.
Canberra is pretty interesting if you want to learn more about Australian history. If you don't... not so much.
Ah, but you can merely substitute fireworks for weed.
Here's a sample...
Adelaide is a horrible fucking place full of weird and unlikeable people. The city itself is comparable to a minor satellite of a much better city, except the much better city is nowhere to be found. It's also the serial killer capital of Australia.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
you know how people joke that everything kills you in Australia? It's not true for about every animal but the sun. Summer is just around the corner and if you do not wear sunscreen and at least a hat, you will get owned by UV rays. The ozone hole over the Antarctic makes us far more susceptible to sunburn, UV rays, skin cancer and so on than a location of equivalent latitude in the northern hemisphere.
So get some decent 30+ SPF sunblock and lather up.
Also Melbourne has some fantastic bars down a lot of those random alley ways. If you like ocean beaches (ie waves) the closest beaches are down the Mornington peninsula about 90mins from the city, its pretty good down there if you can find somewhere decently priced to stay.
You're extremely unlikely to come across any animal that can kill you in Melbourne.
The only thing that's going to kill you will be Aussie guys. If you're into the night life in Australia you may or may not find that Aussie guys have a 'don't stand down' attitude. This is especially true for Brisbane.
Oh, Tuesday night is half price dinner at the Docklands. Go there.
Also, make your way to Lord of the Fries at some point. There are two in the CBD and a few more slowly opening up in the suburbs. They do completely vegan burgers that taste better than most beef burgers I've had.
Oh, and, of course:
Steam: Heatwave Origin: Heatwave111
You mean Promite? Man, fuck that. I can down that shit with a tablespoon.
<sprouts a vicious beard of B. Blessed proportions>
Naw, they've released a new version of Vegemite that's blended with cream cheese. It's... it tastes kinda like vegemite, but it's very inoffensive. Like Christian rock. I don't like it much, I prefer my spreads with actual bite.
Also, ditto on Lord of the Fries. When I want a meat burger fit for a king I head to Miss Libertines or Grill'd, but when I want something healthy and cheap it's always LotF for me. So, so tasty.
I'm still planning how to get him back
Has he ever had wasabi?
Tell him you'd give him $5 to eat a packet of that. Tell him its just a stronger version of horseradish.
Worked on my friend like a charm.
I told my friend it was a Japanese sweet. However, before gaining her trust she wanted to watch me eat some. A small price to pay.
I won't have a car, so no driving. I also don't plan on doing any cooking.
What do you guys think of MB?
Also, desperaterobots is right - I used to work as a bartender at Cookie, and they really do some of the best cocktails you'll ever have.
I live in Melbourne, by the way, so if you ever need a tour guide, let me know! I will show you exactly one thing that Melbourne has, and we will be done for the day. Then we start drinking.
your priority then would be to find a place close to all sorts of public transportation
train stations, tram lines, and buses
I don't know Melbourne at all but if any of those locations are particularly close to transport, I'd put that high on my list of preferences
plus any location that is walking distance from where you can buy groceries, stop at the post office, etc... those would be good too
I live in Canberra, and say that this is just plain untrue
I grew up here, and I can safely say that no, it isn't a hole. As for as crime goes, we are fairly carefree. We aren't the serial killer capitol of Australia for example.
The road organisation is superb, getting around isn't much hassle at all. There are museums galore.
The War Memorial, national museum, national art gallery, Questacon (which is ballin') and if you can get a hotel room near civic then you are set as far as nightlife goes
As a few people have pointed out already, be prepared for all sorts of weather. Earlier in the week, I was wearing just a polo and a jacket. Today? Not long ago, I was wearing thermals, pyjamas, a dressing gown, a scarf, gloves and a pea coat. Obviously, that's quite extreme (I need more body fat on me
If you get the Collin's St address, then we're having a PA-forum housewarming.
God damn I wish I hadn't come home this weekend... big motherfucking white-tale on the wall beside my bed... gonna be so paranoid about spiders being in my clothes and bed now...