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Fighting with my Best Man
Lewisham
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello all,
I'm getting married next August. I'm British and live in California. 4 of my best friends from the UK will be coming for the wedding, including my Best Man. I really appreciate that they are coming, spending a fair bit of money to do so.
Throughout the whole process of planning this stuff, my Best Man has fought with me. He keeps trying to push everything to his own agenda, and then tells me that "everyone else feels the same way" as a way of proving his point. When I do get hold of people they say that that is a misrepresentation of what they said, and they just want to not be a part of the argument, so they just nodded along.
Thus far, he has fought with me on:
- Going to Vegas for my bachelor party: That instead he would pay for me to fly to the UK in Easter, to do the same old stuff we always used to do for 10 years. I don't want that. He says no-one else wants to go (which I know isn't true), and even when I show him that we can do it cheaper than any other option, that it's what I want (and always have done), that we can do it in a way that fits with other people's travel plans... he still won't budge, and wants me to fly to the UK.
- Housing: He wants to spend about twice as much as is necessary to rent a house for them to stay in just so it can literally be by the beach, rather than saving $3000 by being a block away from the sea. He then suggests that everyone else pitch in to cover the cost, even though at least two of my friends can't afford it, as they're students or unemployed.
- Time spent near the wedding: As my Best Man, I was hoping he would support me during the setup of the wedding, maybe five days ahead (in order to get suits fitted and such), as well as on the night of the reception to clean things up. He proposed he arrived the day before, and that I should book the venue for two days so that they don't have to clean it up that night. It took a long time of talking to him to get him to arrive earlier, but even then he intends to spend most of the days traveling elsewhere.
I feel like I have fought with him every step of the way. I don't feel like he's my Best Man at all. One of my other friends has been the one I've been talking to, who has been kind, helpful, supportive, able to talk to other people that I have trouble getting hold of due to time differences... My Best Man used to be my best friend, but he's acting like it's his wedding. The trouble is, he either won't tell me what's wrong with my plans, or he truly believes that what he is suggesting makes the most logical sense for every occasion. He never used to be this bizarre, so I don't know whether he's just changed or whether there's something else going on.
What do I do? I tried being firm, which didn't work, I'm trying to compromise but it seems he uses the inch to take a mile. I'm at the point where I want to tell him to go fuck himself, think about whether he even wants to come to my wedding at all, that he can forget about being my Best Man, because he obviously doesn't want to support me, and handing it over to the friend who has actually been there.
TLDR; My Best Man isn't being my Best Man, and I don't know how to get him to support me and not his own agenda.
I'm getting married next August. I'm British and live in California. 4 of my best friends from the UK will be coming for the wedding, including my Best Man. I really appreciate that they are coming, spending a fair bit of money to do so.
Throughout the whole process of planning this stuff, my Best Man has fought with me. He keeps trying to push everything to his own agenda, and then tells me that "everyone else feels the same way" as a way of proving his point. When I do get hold of people they say that that is a misrepresentation of what they said, and they just want to not be a part of the argument, so they just nodded along.
Thus far, he has fought with me on:
- Going to Vegas for my bachelor party: That instead he would pay for me to fly to the UK in Easter, to do the same old stuff we always used to do for 10 years. I don't want that. He says no-one else wants to go (which I know isn't true), and even when I show him that we can do it cheaper than any other option, that it's what I want (and always have done), that we can do it in a way that fits with other people's travel plans... he still won't budge, and wants me to fly to the UK.
- Housing: He wants to spend about twice as much as is necessary to rent a house for them to stay in just so it can literally be by the beach, rather than saving $3000 by being a block away from the sea. He then suggests that everyone else pitch in to cover the cost, even though at least two of my friends can't afford it, as they're students or unemployed.
- Time spent near the wedding: As my Best Man, I was hoping he would support me during the setup of the wedding, maybe five days ahead (in order to get suits fitted and such), as well as on the night of the reception to clean things up. He proposed he arrived the day before, and that I should book the venue for two days so that they don't have to clean it up that night. It took a long time of talking to him to get him to arrive earlier, but even then he intends to spend most of the days traveling elsewhere.
I feel like I have fought with him every step of the way. I don't feel like he's my Best Man at all. One of my other friends has been the one I've been talking to, who has been kind, helpful, supportive, able to talk to other people that I have trouble getting hold of due to time differences... My Best Man used to be my best friend, but he's acting like it's his wedding. The trouble is, he either won't tell me what's wrong with my plans, or he truly believes that what he is suggesting makes the most logical sense for every occasion. He never used to be this bizarre, so I don't know whether he's just changed or whether there's something else going on.
What do I do? I tried being firm, which didn't work, I'm trying to compromise but it seems he uses the inch to take a mile. I'm at the point where I want to tell him to go fuck himself, think about whether he even wants to come to my wedding at all, that he can forget about being my Best Man, because he obviously doesn't want to support me, and handing it over to the friend who has actually been there.
TLDR; My Best Man isn't being my Best Man, and I don't know how to get him to support me and not his own agenda.
Lewisham on
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Actually having someone else lined up is optional, but it sounds like this guy may have agreed because he felt he was duty bound to do it, this way he can choose to help you out and realize that it's your wedding to do whatever way you choose or he can choose not be such a big part of it for whatever reason he has.
He may need some time to think this whole thing over.
Furthermore, he doesn't have to go to Vegas if he doesn't want to.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Best option right here.
Every time he comes up with something you don't want to do, tell him that it's your wedding and that's what is going to happen.
Whether or not you want to get another best man is your option. Keep in mind it will probably damage your relationship.
I would say all but one of your demands are reasonable. The only thing I would give him a bit of slack on his arrival date, taking paid (or unpaid) leave is expensive spending five days in your town/city is hugely expensive, that isn't time he's just going to magically get back, he wants to make those days he's taken off be worth his time. I would suggest to get the suits measured on the day he flies in so they have time to make sure they have them in stock and then let him run around a bit.
Satans..... hints.....
Yeah, I tried this early on. I told him I understood the huge financial and time sink I was requesting, and that if he wanted to come on holiday that happens to coincide with my wedding, that I would understand that and support that and be happy he's happy; but it meant he couldn't be my Best Man. He replied it wasn't like that at all, that communicating electronically meant his point was being missed, and we should wait until he comes in December for a week to talk it through face-to-face.
I wasn't pleased about it, but figured this was the only way we could get movement, so I said OK, and didn't bring it up again. He's the one that brought up houses this week, and revived the bachelor party debate by sending an email with dates that I could possibly be flown over to the UK. As I didn't reply, some hours later he sent a follow-up saying: "Maybe not a 100% perfect idea but I'm just trying. I'm worried that you'll be dissappointed in with whatever gets planned" This really frustrated me as I if what gets planned is what I've requested, then I won't be disappointed! I'm trying to signpost as much as I can here.
Yeah, the fallout worries me. I feel like giving him the boot could become poisonous, as he has the ear of all my other friends far more easily than I seem to. That said, I don't want to have to simply put with my Best Man, I want my Best Man to put up with and support me. I don't want to hold onto him simply because I think other people might take it the wrong way.
We were best friends for 18 years. We joked about which one of us was JD and which one was Turk from Scrubs. We were inseparable. We have had arguments and falling outs in the past (what others have called "a lovers tiff"). Neither of us have ever placed this much responsibility on each other.
I moved to New Zealand, and our relationship began to grow more distant. He took a job at an accounting firm that turned him into a Grade A Dick, always complaining about work, bringing work stress home with him, cheating on his girlfriend, stubborn, flashing money and not understanding when others don't have it. I had hoped this was a new thing and he would grow out of it, but he seems to be getting worse with time, not better. I tried to put in time with our relationship (making Xbox Live Man-Dates and such) but he's stopped coming in the last six months, so I talk to him rarely now. When he comes on MSN Messenger I don't want to message him, because I have nothing to say.
I invited the man I knew to be my best friend as my Best Man (it's how I always envisaged my wedding would be), but I don't think he is the same person he was.
You need to make it clear here that this is your event and you are in charge. I mean, that should be obvious to anyone who isn't a tremendously self centred asshole, what with it being your wedding and all, but sometimes you need to whack people upside the head with a halibut to get them to see reality.
Why would you ever choose this guy if this is what was happening? 18 years or 18 months, you don't need or deserve this kind of behaviour. Ditch him.
But if you're worried that you might regret that, maybe you could just take away his responsibilities. Need the best man be anything more than a guy who plays a specific role in the ceremony on the day of the wedding? Whatever claim he has to planning, maybe you could just take that away from him. Screw having him come early, if his presence is going to be an imposition. The ring bearer, your relatives, and other friends can help you with setting up and planning, right?
Edit: Has he ever been a best man before? If not, he might not have a clue how being a best man works, and might be operating under some false assumptions.
Whether it's because of difficulties in his life, or because he's losing his single buddy or whatever, he's making your life more stressful which is pretty much the goddamn opposite of what a Bestman should be doing.
Is there anyone here (CA) you can ask? Seems like they'd have a better idea of what's needed and be able to commit more time.
What is the deal with him thinking he has say in y'know, anything? Is that the way its done where you're from?
It might be a thing, but depends on the couple/groom. I had no specific desires for my bachelor party other than not being interested in a titty bar, so let my best man and friends plan it all. His wedding-day duties were light, as the ceremony & dinner were in the same place. Which reminds me - is the OP's best man really someone you'll want guiding Great-Gramma down the aisle? Is he going to be a big baby?
It's good the OP's best man is trying to plan something, it's just that it's going against the groom's wishes.
Have you sat down and had a nice heart to heart with him? I mean where you actually listen to what sorts of problems he's having? You suspect there might be something wrong with him, and maybe there is. But I get the feeling that you're doing a lot of demanding and talking - but perhaps not much listening.
Assuming your bachelor party is not the week before the wedding, that's 2 full days worth of flight time that your mates will have to endure. It's rather understandable that someone would try to cheese it with a 'Come to the UK! It'll be the tits!', especially as a young professional.
It could also be that he isn't doing quite as well as he is projecting and might not be able to afford the double trip, financially and as a matter of time involved. In my experience when people pull the 'flash money and not understanding when others don't have it', they are mostly doing it to play the big shot.
Yeah, I donno, I am just not seeing this picture fit together properly. First, you are having 4 people from the UK fly over to the US twice, but claim at least two of them cannot rent a beach house because they are students or unemployed? Maybe I misread. Anyhow, I don't even see why you are getting involved with this. Presumably your other friends are adults and can tell this guy their housing preferences without you getting in the middle.
He is being sort of a baby about the first thing unless he can clearly explain his reasoning, which he either hasn't or you haven't presented here. If he cannot attend due to the extra time to fly in, or extra expense, c'est la vie. It is a big burden for someone. But he shouldn't be trying to get you to do something you have no interest in. And he probably shouldn't have agreed to be best man.
The coming a week early thing, you are being the unreasonable one. Everything important should already be accounted for by that time if you want to avoid heartbreak. Fitting suits can be done ahead of time. I also don't really understand how you are responsible for cleaning the reception venue, but that may be up to the vagaries of whatever contract you signed.
Also, people don't have a right to be a groomzilla when it is their wedding. They can I mean, but don't expect everyone else to be cool with it afterwords. While I had preferences when I got married I would never dream of just forcing them down someone's throat because it was my 'special day'. These are your friends and family and I'm sorry but it just isn't worth it to be an asshole to them so you can have teal napkins instead of beige ones. Your wedding is almost assured to be less than some fairy tale dream. Which is fine, I had a lot of fun at my wedding and it went down well. It just wasn't perfect.
Granted the bachelor party thing is a bit of a bigger issue. But I just don't see the housing thing as your business and I don't think the arriving early is something you need to be worried about.
Frankly weddings are hard enough so I would just tell him he's sacked as best man and go with the other guy.
He believes he represents the wishes of everyone else involved, so is able to veto things as "that's what everyone wants". As I said previously, I don't think he does.
There is no double flight, the idea was to have it a week before the wedding, so people only fly transatlantic once. Flying once is more than enough, I would never ask them to do it twice. If they're already coming to Northern California, I thought it would be cool to take the $60 flight from SFO to Las Vegas to go to the bachelor party/wedding capital of the world, not sit around in a drizzly country pub in the UK.
They can afford it perfectly well, provided the house chosen is a reasonable one. The baseline for houses that will sleep all of them is about $3000, half a block away from the beach. My best man says that if he's coming to CA, he wants a house on the beach, adding another $3000 to the price. For 20 seconds walk, he wants to double everyone's contribution. That does not work well.
My little brother is also part of the group, and he has no money, and will be looking to other people to fund him. I basically represent him, as his payment is more than likely coming out of the wedding money my parents gave me. He isn't able to talk about it because he is traveling (hence the no money) I also offered to help cover some of the cost of the house, as I understand everyone is already paying a lot of money to fly here. I wanted to remove some of the financial burden.
How would suits be chosen and fitted "ahead of time"? I'm not trying to be confrontational, but if you know some way we can do that without him actually being here, I'm all ears. We clean the wedding venue because we can't afford an expensive one with staff and such to do all that.
It happened after I left for New Zealand. I did try once I got back, and people tried earlier, but he would always place blame on factors that he felt he couldn't change: he was unhappy with his relationship and the exams for his job. I naively thought when his exams were over and his relationship with his girlfriend ended, things would improve, but they didn't.
I genuinely think he likes his career, but what it does to him is not good. He would never leave it though, he's doing what his Dad does, he's bought into all the grandeur about all the money he will make and how important he will be, and is unable to see that the stress he bring back makes him an insufferable asshole.
House: If it's your four friends that need the house and two can't afford it, it isn't your problem. Let them work it out among themselves. Once it gets down to brass tax, your buddy will either realize, 'holy shit this is undoable' or 'fine, ill pony up an asston of cash to make ti happen'.
Clean up: I've never heard of that before. It seems hella anti-climactic to have to do clean up after the reception.
TRUF. I know from experience. Don't stick around, and don't give a crap about anyone else. Leave early, and enjoy the day cause it is your day, no one else's (well.. maybe your wife's too). We stuck around to the bitter end and had to help clean up. Ended with everyone leaving and us cleaning for an hour after the wedding, by which time my wife is so tired she falls asleep on the car ride to the hotel and......... ahhhhgh. Yeah. The night got better eventually.
My best man was my best man, best friend, and totally did his part by just being himself. He didn't help a ton, but I never expected him to as he was just himself. However, he had the common sense to just agree with me when things got tense, and he more than pulled his weight around. Took care of the entire bachelor party, suits, and everything else without being asked. Your guy sounds like a dink. Sorry. pretty awkward to switch up though. I think you need to talk to him about the issue underlying everything (his dinkness) rather than the seperate issues of bachelor party, suit fitting, etc and see what he says to that. If nothing works out, there's nothing saying you can't have two best men. Get one closer to you to help out with everything, treat them both like royalty on the big day, two speeches, whatever. It'll work and has been done many times.
PSN - sumowot
I'll preface this by saying I don't know what weddings are customary in California, or what you're used to from the UK, but I'm seeing alot of similar issues to what is bothering my fiancee about our upcoming (25 days) wedding, so I'm semi-qualified to comment. Long story short, you're worrying about stuff that you shouldn't.
Also I'll preface by saying the guy sounds like a dick now and you should get a new one. You are far enough off from the wedding to do that easily.
Bachelor Party: It's your party, if you want it to be in Vegas, it should be in Vegas. The only caveat is you cannot under any circumstances pressure these guys into coming if they don't want to, or make them feel bad about not being able to make it. I'm assuming you've been to Vegas and you know, but its enormously expensive, especially if they are picking up everything for you too. Presumably you have some local friends, so if your bachelor party ends up being you and 3 guys from California in Vegas, and you're happy w/ that, then you should have no problem telling him thanks but no thanks on the UK trip. You have no right however to pressure anyone into a transatlantic vacation unless they are well above the "rich" line.
Also, I can't envision a scenario where you going to the UK is more expensive than the 4 of them all flying to Vegas, but I guess its possible?
Housing: This is where you are exactly the same as my fiancee, I'll tell you what I tell her and maybe it will work better. These guys are adults, they are capable of making their own decisions in regard to where they stay. Your obligation is to provide them with contact info for a reasonably priced hotel in a good location. If they want to go nuts and spend $4000 bucks on a beach house, or go really nuts and spend $7000 bucks for a beach house that is 50 yards closer to the beach, that is there choice. Don't waste your time trying to decide what you think is best for them and then pushing them to do so. Providing them w/ a reasonably priced hotel option shows them they are under no obligation from you to rent an exorbinant beach house.
Time spent near wedding: Echo-ing some other posters, you have invaded Groomzilla territory and are setting up an occupation force on this one. 5 days early is ludicrous for someone who has a job. At most I would say you would want the person there 2 days before, and as long as they are there the day before they have fulfilled a reasonable expectation for you. I've never heard of a venue where you clean up yourself, but he's out of line to say you should pay for an extra day for that reason.
If you are doing suits, I'm not sure how that would go. Typically as far as I've experienced most "suit" weddings people are asked to wear X color suit and left at that. I'm sure there are places you can rent a suit but its not nearly as common as tuxes.
I'm not sure what you envision for the suit "fitting." If you are going to have everyone have their suits custom made, which I'm doubting based on what you said about cost being a concern, 5 days out is way too short in the western world. If you are going to have them buy off the rack suits and have them altered, as any decent suit will have to be, 5 days is still very short, although it is certainly doable.
Based on your situation, if you do want totally matching suits, I would suggest you pick out a suit that you like from a UK based store, and have your 4 guys buy the same one there in advance. You can order the same and have it altered here, or get your own unique one since as the groom you should look a bit different anyway.
Extended Stay America