Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!
On Making a Door (2200 words, strange/horror)
zenpotato
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Formerly titled "Doormaking", this is the second draft of a story I posted here last spring. I think I've cleaned up and improved the text quite a bit, but as always, I'm interested in the harshest critiques you have to throw at me. Thanks for taking the time to read, and thanks even more if you take the time to give me some feedback.
*text redacted* This is out on submission.
Spoiler:
zenpotato on
Posts
Alright, on to the critique, but keep in mind, I'm new at this:
I do not like the line "When I say wait, I do not mean seconds or minutes. Wait hours. Wait days. Sit in the chair and do not sleep". While reading the story, I was engrossed in the description. It is the strength of this story, if only because I can easily imagine the real world itself working in this way. However, this repeated line reminds me that I'm reading a story, not an instructional manual, and draws the reader out of the story, in my opinion.
There were a few sections where I thought the story began to drag on a bit - for example, the section in which the designer of the door is continuously waiting. While it did serve as a good example of the dedication required to build the door, my interest began to wane. Reading the first description of imps, or whatever they might be, giggling behind the designer was quite good, but the section with the gatekeeper felt redundant. A small change might fix this entirely, however, and have the designer do some small action to keep the reader more focused on the story? As you've identified the reader in this story ("you"), you should make effort to keep the reader participating in the story, rather than just waiting.
Critiques aside, I liked the story. As to the bonus question, I believe that footnotes are usually not good storytelling, especially with your content, as it could quickly be mired in detail. Instead, would you consider drawings and illustrations of the door itself, in a style more suited to the notebook? Illustrations are easier for the reader to become more engaged in an in-depth story like the one you've presented.
I dislike the idea of silence behind the door meaning the gatekeeper is still waiting and the noise means he's given up, because it doesn't completely make sense. You can still hear him so he's got to be close. Everything else has a noise cue to mean the step has been finished and I see him making noise trying to continue that run, but it takes away the tension that is being built up in the story. It needs a different kind of noise element to signify the completion of that step.
With the last line I feel like I there should be something in the beginning to explain where these instructions are coming from. If you don't feel like an introduction I'd lose the last line.
I can see where this section is going and what it's trying to convey, but it feels like a tangent that takes away from the tension. This can be wrapped up by adding a line to the previos paragraph like "For the rest of your days your shadow is your enemy."
I enjoy the feel of the story, but there are a couple of times where you seem to drop out of the tension of the story for interesting segues on building the door.
{Twitter, Everybody's doing it. }{My Rambling Blog}
I am going to respectfully disagree with this notion. As I've said before, I believe the detail of your story - that it is describing a hidden aspect of the world that we might live in - that is its greatest strength. The addition of a few lines of description of the shadow people makes the other worldly aspects of this story appear to be just a glimmer of the world that might be found beneath, which, in my opinion, is far more compelling.
I agree with Stuf strongly here. I think Magell might be missing the point.
Initially I thought that this is a somewhat awkward wording. It's correct, but maybe breaking it up by using a different word other than other may help? But the latter portion actually really just feels tangential, so maybe you could go without it?
Overall I liked the piece. The pacing matches the suspense that you'd like to convey. The repetition of "wait..." works as the informally written instructions that I can see this piece being.
Footnotes would definitely take away from the piece. Framing it around someone finding the instructions could work depending on how it was done.