Seasons 1-11 now available on Twitter!
[strike]Soundtrack coming... maybe? (Probably not)[/strike]
[Map of Haven]
[Map of Shadowhaven
[Map of Signet]
THE LONG SUMMARY, FROM THE VERY BEGINNING
OUR STORY BEGINS with a group of heroes, consisting of Gary, Malkor, Eric, Matt, Dubh and Xitl being thrown off of a wagon caravan, having made some inappropriate remarks to the caravan leader. Shortly thereafter the caravan falls into a pit of shit, and as the group investigates, they meet up with Speed Rider. The group finds that the children of the caravan-driver have been kidnapped, and the party accidentally kills the remaining members of the caravan. The party explores the cavern of shit below the earth, meeting Lo'li the pedophile priest and losing Xitl in the process. On the other side of the cave they find the town of Starfish Cove, about which there were rumors of plague and other nastiness. Splitting up, the party has a few misadventures, including inventing techno and sexing up a gorgeous woman with a speech impediment and ursine ancestry. Malkor is killed, but on the plus side the party learns about a Scatomancer that has taken up residence in Pooroc Keep. The party infiltrates the keep, slaying his henchman. While Matt attacks the Scatomancer, the others explore a secret passage, where they discover an ancient Bearkin spaceship. Recognizing Gary the Bearkin as its natural commander, the ship admits the party, and they use it to battle the Scatomancer, who merges with the essence of the God of Shit. During the fight, two mancers, named Farth and Locth, and a stoner named Tommy, join the party. Speed finishes the enemy off with an entirely over-powered attack that has the unfortunate side effect of creating a rift in time that destroys the entire universe. Speed barely manages to save everyone by completely reforming the universe.
Last time on Glossolalia
So! Now instead of fantasy we are in sci-fi. After saving the Starfish Colony from a Scat Adept, the crew of the Ursa Majoris takes off for a space rock where a high-profile ship-modder took residence. They find that the place has been ransacked by robots. One of the customers, a friend of a popular racer, managed to hide, so the crew does the sensible thing and takes him hostage, calling the racer for a ransom. The crew gets the shit kicked out of them by the racer's henchmen, and are saved when Speed challenges him to a race, which he wins. Because of this, Speed gains access to the biggest underground race there is, which is set to start in a week's time. Also, the good and bad members of the crew are beginning to notice that their moral choices are altering their appearances, and after some research learn that they are drawing cosmic forces, called Benevochlorians and Malevochondria, to themselves like magnets. Meanwhile, Gary passes out, and begins hallucinating an Urson woman who is urging him to track down an Urson pathway so that he can save the Urson race. They also discover Tomarli, a plant-like alien, drifting in an escape pod in space.
But that shit's boring! Speed enters into the race, where he meets Ytlkrek, a hot-headed (and hot) alien racer. While he's trying to hit on her, he's interrupted by the arrival of a massive warplate, controlled by a warlord AI called Dienderkahn. While Speed and Ytlkrek work together to smoke Dienderkahn on the track, the rest of the crew works to destroy his brain. Loeli transforms Dienderkahn into a timid, inquisitive AI named Oeliki, while Speed manages to edge past Ytlkrek to win the most difficult race in the Quadrant. Speed offers Ytlkrek a ride back to the warplate, and shortly after learns that apparently getting beaten finally got her hot for him and they have lots and lots of sexy (pretend) makeouts. Meanwhile, Gary acquires the Urson Pathway that was used in the race, and directs it to the coordinates that the Urson hallucination tells him.
The Pathway warps them to a distant galaxy, filled with a malicious dust that rends the warplate apart. Loeli just barely manages to download Oeliki into a robot before he's destroyed, and while Speed and Matt rush to save Ytlkrek the others fight back the dust to keep it from eating the Ursa Majoris. While the dust is temporarily kept at bay, the crew lands the ship at the Tehelikron, a planet-sized Urson space station. Inside, they find that the station has been maintained by a friendly group of aliens that were saved by the Urson long ago. They bring the crew to the central room, which is a massive cloning lab, which can be used to create a new generation of Urson. The Tehilikron uses the crew as a basis for the Urson, and unfortunately the evil members of the crew are the dominating factor, creating an army of Bear Nazis. An epic battle ensues, which results in the crew defeating the army. The Urson woman tells Gary that hidden somewhere in the universe there is something containing the data of the dead Urson race, which can be used to revive them properly. 4 clues as to its location where put on 4 different planets. The Tehilikron dissolves into dust, called Skorokov, and merges with the Ursa.
The first stop is an ocean planet, home to the ruins of an underwater Urson city. Speed and Ytlkrek scout ahead, and it suddenly appears that they've entered a protected and hidden Urson city. Speed takes his helmet off only to discover that he's actually still in the water, and narrowly survives drowning thanks to Ytlkrek. On the way back to the crew, Ytlkrek suddenly proposes to Speed, which he eagerly says yes to. Before they can tell the news to the rest of the crew, another Ytlkrek shows up, saying that Speed took his helmet off and died. She angrily calls the other Speed an illusion, and the two Ytlkreks get into a spat. The two are separated and watched closely as they explore the ruins, suddenly discovering the Psycho Whale, a monstrous beast that's been mutated by the Urson data. A fight ensues and the crew is victorious, flying off into space. Suddenly, Speed fuses with the core of the ship and immediately uses his powers to destroy the universe... again. The crew wakes up to find themselves prisoners of the Psycho Whale, who is currently feasting on Farth's brains. They manage to break free and defeat the whale, but soon discover that Speed actually did drown earlier, and that the one following them around was an illusion. Luckily Loeli is able to make a new one using the Tehilikron, and due to a bit of an accident he can now transform his racer into a suit of super-armor.
The next stop the crew makes is on Dubh's home planet of Kih'tan. The Kih'tanni people are locked in a constant struggle against SpaceSEC, the military force of SpaceGOV, the humano-centric governing body that controls the known galaxy. There they meet Thieresai, a genetically-modified military commander with a scar across most of her body and a lot of hate. The crew works their way to one of the last strongholds of the Kih'tanni, where they learn that their leader has taken the Skorokov they need into her body to become super-powered. She agrees to give it up if the crew helps her fight back SpaceSEC, a battle which ends in a climactic thrashing of Thieresai, who is arrested by SpaceSEC for warcrimes. The Kih'tanni leader keeps her word and gives the crew the Skorokov.
The next stop is a frozen world home to an ice elemental, a being of pure manceric energy that Matt hates for some reason. The crew destroys the creature and secures the Skorokov with little problem.
The final location the crew heads for is a human colony that's been mysteriously abandoned. The crew soon finds out why: Skorokov zombies have invaded the place. After lots of running, hiding, and shooting into vents, the crew manages to find the source of the Skorokov and merge it into what they need.
The four Skorokovs now united, the crew learns that the last leg of their quest to revive the Urson is the Dark, a large area of mysterious black space. Flying into it, the crew finds themselves in a surreal dreamworld, where their manceric powers are boosted exponentially. While exploring the mysterious place, called The Bloom, Speed goes a bit power crazy and almost kills himself when his manceric implant explodes. Fortunately he's able to create a prosthetic out of his racer. The crew continues onward into the Burning Tomorrow, where they're all separated and placed into personalized nightmares, each of which culminates in the meeting of an assassin hired by... someone. Each assassin is someone from the crew's past. Fortunately, Racer X, the assassin hired to kill Speed, is a double agent, and with his help Speed manages to rescue the others from the Burning Tomorrow. All the obstacles now overcome, the crew finds themselves at The Heart. They discover that this ancient piece of Urson technology is the source of all mancery in the universe, and that deactivating it to revive the Urson would destroy mancery, an act which would indirectly kill an untold number of people. On the other hand, The Bloom is slowly expanding outward, and will eventually consume the entirety of the universe. After a long debate, Gary deactivates the heart against the wishes of most of the crew. Matt immediately kills himself while the others stare on in silent horror. Considering that he has the only way out of the Heart, the rest of the crew resigns to continue being a part of Gary's crew, even though some of them harbor intense anger over what he did.
From here we cut to two months later. The Urson have become a massive force in Galactic affairs, their technology mostly making up for the loss of mancery. Humanity is somewhat frustrated with suddenly no longer being the dominant force, but there's little they can do about it. The crew flies off to Speed's home planet of Anyymaye as guests for his sister's wedding. After the wedding, the crew meets up with Dux, a massive bodyguard, and Foghorne, an alien from Toon Lunei that Speed is kind of racist against. They also meet with a newly resurrected Matt, who's under direct orders from Thieresai to watch Gary and keep him from stirring up any more shit. Here they find out that Speed's family is under pressure from a mob boss, and with little difficulty fuck him up bad. Speed learns that the loss of mancery has turned his idyllic world into one of depravity, and secretly plans with Matt to run away.
The crew happens upon a large, drifting ship with odd signals coming from it, and upon exploring it find it to be filled with pillow robots with powerful sleep-based weapons. While most of the crew clear out these robots, Speed, Matt and Ytlkrek steal the Ursa Majoris and fly away. They land on a small planet where they spend their funds on a new ship, and Speed and Matt almost immediately fall back into their old bickering ways as Matt tries to assume control of everything. Speed is approached by Thieresai, who is displeased with the performance of Matt and wants to hire Speed to watch Gary instead. Thinking of this as an opportunity to keep Gary from killing more people, Speed agrees. Matt gets stranded somewhere, alone and angry.
Now with multiple ships under their command, the crew splits up to investigate two separate areas. One half investigates the Tehilikron, which has apparently become haunted, while the other investigates a planet of hateful bug people that are oddly reminiscent of what the crew found in the burning tomorrow. What happens doesn't really matter, however, as the Tehilikron crew is suddenly met with a giant laser. The human military had been developing the Alpha Buster, the most powerful weapon in the universe, to try and trump the influence of the Urson, and due to a miscalculation they teleported their fleet directly into Urson space. Not willing to back down the Human Presidist declares war, and an epic space battle ensues in which the crew manages to commandeer one of the Alpha Busters. Aboard, they meet Feli, the ship's psychologist, who agrees to join the crew in exchange for not getting brutally murdered like everyone else. The crew sets a plan into motion to subtly alter the mindset of the Earthling humans into a more peaceful one, and inadvertently turn Earth into one massive, perpetual party. Shortly thereafter, Dubh meets the SECommissar, the head of SpaceSEC. He reveals that he was the one that hired the assassins in the Bloom, and that he is actually Dubh's father. And that... Dubh is his father. The SECommissar, who is in fact the Kih'tanni deity Our Lad Cheshire, explains that the universe is actually very young, and that Speed evidently created it somehow. Because the crew of the Ursa were central to the creation of the universe, they are in a sense its gods. When the universe was made, each crewmember had its own Echo, a deity that mirrored them and that possessed all of their godly powers. The elder gods harbor a deep hatred for the crew, and are working on penetrating their universe to destroy them and everything else. Dubh doesn't really give a shit and kills the SECommissar (and Thieresai) in a badass way. By killing his echo, Dubh gains his godly powers. The crew sets off to find and destroy their echoes, so that they might gain their powers and fight off the evil gods.
No one knows for sure what happens after that. The crew is never heard from again. We now join a new crew, led by the bastard son of Gary. The universe has become a much different place in the fifty years since the adventuring days of the crew of the Ursa Majoris. Skorokov has become extremely commonplace, and SpaceGOV has been replaced by the UUUS. Perhaps most importantly, sections of the universe have now become volatile areas where the laws of physics no longer apply. These areas are known as The Wrath, and are known to drive anyone stupid enough to go near them insane.
Rory's crew, who don't even have a ship, are hired to kill the ruler of a little shithole colony. They stealthily infiltrate the building and murder him, only to discover that he has anything but a human anatomy. During their escape they steal his briefcase, which directs them towards a beacon. Here they find a hideous red spikey ship that they use to escape. Once aboard, they learn that it's a prototype ship designed to allow travel through The Wrath. Unable to actually pay them for the job, the crew's client instead directs them towards a derelict space station, where there's sure to be some goods to be salvaged. Here they meet Terro Drake and fight a robot dog.
But fuck those guys let's get back to the old crew. In the city of Signet, both the After- and Beforelife, nine new souls awaken. They have no memories of who they are, and only after a great deal of thought can they piece together any semblence of an identity. Together they explore the city of Signet, and ultimately head off to meet three oracles, who they hope can help them learn about themselves. In doing so however, they anger the Cracked Lady, the queen of Signet, who sics Leonine soldiers on them. The party barely manages to escape with the Oracles, and using some trickery on their home, Loeli manages to mask it from the Cracked Lady. Unfortunately, the Oracles lose their abilities. The crew continues to explore Signet, doing what they can to avoid the Cracked Lady's forces, until Loeli decides to fly right into her fortress and offer to work for her. After a fight that destroys a huge swath of the city, the Cracked Lady summons the "Ten" to her, revealing that she is actually the soul of Thieresai, infused with a great deal of the SECommissar's power. After a bit of back-and-forth with Dubh, she offers the group a job as governers of the section of Signet that they just blew up. About half accept and half deny her, while Speed and Gary don't bother taking sides. Speed is too concerned about Ytlkrek to really give a shit about anything else, and Gary's just Gary.
That about catches us up! Gary is currently adventuring with his new scorpion pal named Boots, while Speed has just completed his journey to find Ytlkrek. The Outfit, the group that decided to work for Thieresai, are currently doing things to ingratiate themselves with the people of Signet, while The Coalition, the group that has decided to go against Thieresai, is trying to start a revolution against the Cracked Lady.
Tensions ran high as Loeli had a dangerous proposition for the Cracked Lady: she would like to work for her. In that same instant, several members of the Ten fought agaisnt an awakened and angry tempest God, Tommy and Dubh striking the final blow in the form of a red comet. The Ten then all found themselves within the Court Room of the Queen, as she offered them a job, thanks to Loeli. Loeli, Locth, Feli and Jo'Maril chose to work for the Queen, becoming The Outfit. Meanwhile Dubh, Tommy and Dux found her too distasteful and form the rebel group The Coalition. Speed and Gary pursue their own ends.
Meanwhile a mysterious stranger Kro is contracted to kill an enemy of the Queen...
A enigmatic Benefactor offers aid to the Coalition, and offers them items of great power in aid them in their quest to revolt. The trio enter Vataky's sprawl and single-handedly destroy every Leonine in the neighborhood, which garners the attention of Vataky.
A new stranger enters the scene- a soul by the name of Kro. The Lady offers him a deal he can't refuse- track down and destroy the soul known as the Banker. After Kro destroys a bar in his search for information, failing to track down his target. Fortunately, the cracked Lady has another target for him- Dubh, and rest of the Coalition; Tommy and Dux. A short standoff later, and Kro decides to throw his lot in with the Coalition.
Meanwhile, the members of Ten serving the lady (known as the Outfit) are given a task to repair damage to a temple over in Otalhen's district. After some headscratching, they play out the theme to Drive: Roll Hard which reawakens the contruct; which happens to be Loeli's robot "child" from their mortal lives. Otalhen explains that he managed to save the soul of every mechanical being that had ever existed, and gave them an eternal home.
Gary and Boots, after a long time wandering in the Depths, come upon a scatomancer the original members of Thrustwaist's crew encountered in Starfish Cove. He easily, um, defeats the maddened wizard and establishes his new kingdom- Skullfuck Mountain. This doesn't last long, as Boots suddenly decides to wander off- leading Gary into the red of the Wrath.
Speed succeeds in locating Ytlkrek and, after a short reunion, report to the Cracked Lady to see what she's all about. The Cracked Lady explains to Speed how her fracture gates work, which prompts the racer to challenge her. She doesn't find this amusing, and teleports him and Ytlkrek into the Wrath.
Gary bumps into the pair, and they manage to find a giant testicle in the Rend and are almost instantly defeated by it.
The Coalition destroys Vataky, with the aid of their new ally, and begin the revolution in earnest. Organization of the effort begins, and Thieresai's hold over Signet begins to slip...
Loeli is summoned by the Cracked Lady soon after Vataky's defeat and the restoration of the Humming Temple. The Lady unveils her dark secret- she's been keeping a man locked in the basement of the Spire, a person who would explode if he wasn't kept in the check- the Universe. The Lady wants to keep the Universe trapped forever, to spare everyone the pain of mortality. Loeli expresses her disagreement, and the reasons why. The Cracked Lady doesn't want to hear it, and warps her into the Wrath, and then puts the kill order out on the rest of the Outfit.
The Benefactor rescues Ytlkrek and Speed, while Loeli opens a portal back to Haven and saves herself. Gary, however, directly challenges the mights (and many, many dicks) of the Wrath and engages in a contest of wills with the mysterious DE?AD.
The Outfit joins up with the Coalition, and begins a systematic conversion and liberation of Signet. Eventually, every delegate turns to their side, which makes the work of the Ten much easier to accomplish.
Gary succeeds in his battle against the Wrath, and takes it over. His first act as ruler is to breach a hole in Pherult's keep, which gives the rest of the Ten access to Pherult and the Shattered Spire.
After Pherult defects to the revolution, Otalhen calls a meeting over at his district to discuss the fate of Signet and the Universe...