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How about some awful jokes

2

Posts

  • AntimatterAntimatter if you want to talk to me look elsewhere.Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    celandine wrote: »
    Antimatter wrote: »
    celandine wrote: »
    AMP'd wrote: »
    Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.

    You are twisted.

    have you read Watchmen?

    Yes, of course. That's why you're twisted.

    I
    but
    we're two separate people
    he's even jailed

  • DeathPrawnDeathPrawn Registered User
    edited October 2009
    What does a gay horse eat?
    Spoiler:

    Signature not found.
  • unintentionalunintentional Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    how do you convert your dishwasher to a snow-blower
    Spoiler:

    i'm out, follow me on twitter @uninten , steam is GaryMyNemesis
  • AMP'dAMP'd Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Antimatter wrote: »
    celandine wrote: »
    Antimatter wrote: »
    celandine wrote: »
    AMP'd wrote: »
    Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.

    You are twisted.

    have you read Watchmen?

    Yes, of course. That's why you're twisted.

    I
    but
    we're two separate people
    he's even jailed

    Conjoined at the pinky

    Antimatter has been sitting outside of my cell for over a month and a half

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • unintentionalunintentional Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Why don't women need to know how to ice skate
    Spoiler:

    i'm out, follow me on twitter @uninten , steam is GaryMyNemesis
  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.

    At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"

    "It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.

    "What's the score, then?"

    "Eight-two, Brutus."

    Spoiler:

    gotsig.jpg
  • AntimatterAntimatter if you want to talk to me look elsewhere.Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
  • ZoelZoel Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    My boss's email:

    "Guys I am working very hard on time cards today but if you don't keep your time logged it is literally going to drive me insane."

    My email:

    "Are you cold? Maybe you should have worn your time cardigan."

    My Boss's email:

    "Well, I would just turn up the heat but I figured you must be roasting seeing as you're about to get fired."

  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Antimatter wrote: »
    don't be

    This place was actually the first place I heard that joke.
    I saved it in a text file named "awful jokes.txt"

    gotsig.jpg
  • ZoelZoel Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I was talking to my ex girlfriend about how she can't find Mr. Right, and she was saying that there probably is no Mr. Right. I said yeah there are, look in the phone book. They're all Asian though.

    She was confused and asked me why they'd all be Asian.

    I told her it was because nobody wants to be Wong.

  • SeriouslySeriously ˈpɛrɪ ˌdɒt Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Zoel wrote: »
    My boss's email:

    "Guys I am working very hard on time cards today but if you don't keep your time logged it is literally going to drive me insane."

    My email:

    "Are you cold? Maybe you should have worn your time cardigan."

    My Boss's email:

    "Well, I would just turn up the heat but I figured you must be roasting seeing as you're about to get fired."

    I approve.

    iq16sKi.png
  • PataPata Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Zoel wrote: »
    I was talking to my ex girlfriend about how she can't find Mr. Right, and she was saying that there probably is no Mr. Right. I said yeah there are, look in the phone book. They're all Asian though.

    She was confused and asked me why they'd all be Asian.

    I told her it was because nobody wants to be Wong.

    Boooooooooooooooooo

    Spoiler:
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    BusterK wrote: »
    What do you call a masturbating cow?



    Beef Stroganoff

    ok that's pretty damn great

    nevillexmassig1.png
  • ZoelZoel Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    seriously though why is there a thread about my post history

  • mullymully Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    funny this should appear
    we are listening to mitch hedburg right now

    "i got a solution for sweat shops -- air conditioning. problem solved."

  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    What will happen if you ate yeast and polish?
    You'll rise and shine.

    gotsig.jpg
  • DeathPrawnDeathPrawn Registered User
    edited October 2009
    Sicarii wrote: »
    What will happen if you ate yeast and polish?

    You'd get very sick and likely die a slow and agonizing death.

    Signature not found.
  • mullymully Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    deathprawn, ladies and gentlemen!

  • unintentionalunintentional Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sicarii wrote: »
    What will happen if you ate yeast and polish sausage

    People would wonder why you were eating that combination of food

    i'm out, follow me on twitter @uninten , steam is GaryMyNemesis
  • IpseDixitIpseDixit Treat me like a pirate And give me that bootyRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    What do you call a white whale?

    A bleached whale

    ipsesignew.jpg
    Flickr - PSN ID - IamTetsuo - Steam
  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    bahaha
    A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"

  • AntimatterAntimatter if you want to talk to me look elsewhere.Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    boooooooooooooooooooo

  • DefenestratorDefenestrator Registered User
    edited October 2009
    That joke gave me cancer.

  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    that joke is the king of all jokes, yea, their very leader
    it is the Omega Joke, the joke from which all others were wrought

  • AMP'dAMP'd Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    You mean the alpha joke

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    no i mean the Alpha and the Omega joke. It is the joke that is called I Am.

  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
  • marty_0001marty_0001 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I don't get that Brutus joke :<

  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    marty_0001 wrote: »
    I don't get that Brutus joke :<

    e tu brute

    fuckin educate yourself

  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Eu tu brute?

    e:beaten

    There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.

    So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

    The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."

    Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

    The moral of this story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

    gotsig.jpg
  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Well it's actually

    Et tu

    so......yeah nice try though

    gotsig.jpg
  • AntimatterAntimatter if you want to talk to me look elsewhere.Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Wimble wrote: »
    crwth wrote: »
    that's it now we will never be twitter friends

    and brother my tweets are pure gold

    well they do make me go Au!

  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    Sicarii wrote: »
    Well it's actually

    Et tu

    so......yeah nice try though

    at least e tu is italian for and you
    eu isnt anything

  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Kusuguttai wrote: »
    Sicarii wrote: »
    Well it's actually

    Et tu

    so......yeah nice try though

    at least e tu is italian for and you
    eu isnt anything

    Yeah but I wasn't correcting anyone and trying to feel superior about it.

    gotsig.jpg
  • AMP'dAMP'd Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    this conversation is making me go eu

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    AMP'd wrote: »
    this conversation is making me go eu

    More bad jokes!

    Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.

    Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.

    gotsig.jpg
  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    Sicarii wrote: »
    Kusuguttai wrote: »
    Sicarii wrote: »
    Well it's actually

    Et tu

    so......yeah nice try though

    at least e tu is italian for and you
    eu isnt anything

    Yeah but I wasn't correcting anyone and trying to feel superior about it.

    well i did both
    so i win

  • KusuguttaiKusuguttai __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    Sicarii wrote: »
    AMP'd wrote: »
    this conversation is making me go eu

    More bad jokes!

    Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.

    Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.

    well obviously we know who they bowl for

    the tells bowl for thee

  • ZourtackZourtack Registered User
    edited October 2009
    What do you call a joke with no punch line
    Spoiler:
    What is brown and sticky
    Spoiler:
    What is brown and sticky and has wheels
    Spoiler:
    A red ship and a blue ship crashed into each other
    Spoiler:
    What's black and white and red all over
    Spoiler:
    What do you call a vampire 4 miles away from the blood bank
    Spoiler:
    What is red and smells like blue paint
    Spoiler:
    How do you make holy water
    Spoiler:
    What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves
    Spoiler:
    Where do you find a dog with no legs
    Spoiler:
    This one time I was trying to get people to laugh at a party and I started telling puns, but man I couldn't get people to laugh. In fact no pun in ten did

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