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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "[Chat] Arcade", by ProfMoriarty

MikeManMikeMan Registered User regular
edited October 2009 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
MikeMan has reported a post.

Reason:
This is amazing.
Post: [Chat] Arcade
Forum: Debate and Discourse
Assigned Moderators: Elki, ElJeffe, Irond Will

Posted by: ProfMoriarty
Original Content:
Greetings, [chat], and welcome back to Alaska Week. All week we'll be taking a look at what makes that huge "little state that could" so special.

What's that, gentle reader? You've never heard of Alaska? Why, it's only the rootinen' tootinenest territory to become a state since Puerto Rico! Let's take a brief look at Alaska's origin!

Back in the time before years, there was a great star being known as Khazgareth'thul. Now, compared to you and me, Khazgareth'thul was humongous! Just big! Like wow! King Kong? An ant compared to this star being.

One day this star being known as Khazgareth'thul sought to destroy the planet Earth. I don't know, he woke up on the wrong side of the space bed or something.

At his whim, volcanoes erupted! The seas boiled and washed over the land! People were dying by the thousands.

The people of planet Earth prayed fervently to their various fictional gods and self-help authors to free them from this torment. They needed a savior!

One such Savior arose. A messiah for the people of Earth! His name was William Seward. Seward constructed a giant catapult the size of a million "your moms" and launched himself into space. There, he challenged Khazgareth'thul to a match of wits. This would later be known as Seward's Folly.

"If I win, you will cease tormenting the people of Earth. If you win, you may not only continue tormenting the people of Earth, but I will be your mortal slave in this endeavor."

Well, now, this was completely retarded. But the star being was so amused by the human and his depleting oxygen supply that he took Seward up on the challenge.

"I am thinking of a number between 1 and --"
"6, mortal."

Seward had lost before the challenge had even begun. Without even a moment to announce "double or nothing," Seward became posessed by the star being. Together, the two returned to Earth to bring a more intimate touch to the devastation.

His first target would be what we now know as Canada. But as he approached the moose-laden landmass, Khazgareth'thul-Seward realized his mistake. The human body cannot contain the infinite energy and potential of a star being.

The mortal's form soon began to expand and boil. Hideous rock formations formed on the ever-expanding body. It seemed that the star being would soon be nothing more than a cold, uninhabitable piece of dirt, floating in the ocean. The last part of Seward's free will laughed.

"Laugh all you like, mortal, but know this: I am filled with hatred, rage, and fury. I am evil incarnate, and even in death my darkness will live on. Your corpse will be the epitome of failure and death. Cold will fill the land and all who live here will suffer and become as animals! Aeons from now, this land will be recognized the world over as the ultimate source of disdain and corruption, and all will feel its touch!"

And that's how Alaska was born.

MikeMan on
HOW DO YOU FUCK UP BAGELS. YOU BOIL THE WATER. PUT IN THE NOODLES

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