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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "[Chat] Arcade", by ProfMoriarty

MikeManMikeMan Registered User regular
edited October 2009 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
MikeMan has reported a post.

Reason:
This is amazing.
Post: [Chat] Arcade
Forum: Debate and Discourse
Assigned Moderators: Elki, ElJeffe, Irond Will

Posted by: ProfMoriarty
Original Content:
Greetings, [chat], and welcome back to Alaska Week. All week we'll be taking a look at what makes that huge "little state that could" so special.

What's that, gentle reader? You've never heard of Alaska? Why, it's only the rootinen' tootinenest territory to become a state since Puerto Rico! Let's take a brief look at Alaska's origin!

Back in the time before years, there was a great star being known as Khazgareth'thul. Now, compared to you and me, Khazgareth'thul was humongous! Just big! Like wow! King Kong? An ant compared to this star being.

One day this star being known as Khazgareth'thul sought to destroy the planet Earth. I don't know, he woke up on the wrong side of the space bed or something.

At his whim, volcanoes erupted! The seas boiled and washed over the land! People were dying by the thousands.

The people of planet Earth prayed fervently to their various fictional gods and self-help authors to free them from this torment. They needed a savior!

One such Savior arose. A messiah for the people of Earth! His name was William Seward. Seward constructed a giant catapult the size of a million "your moms" and launched himself into space. There, he challenged Khazgareth'thul to a match of wits. This would later be known as Seward's Folly.

"If I win, you will cease tormenting the people of Earth. If you win, you may not only continue tormenting the people of Earth, but I will be your mortal slave in this endeavor."

Well, now, this was completely retarded. But the star being was so amused by the human and his depleting oxygen supply that he took Seward up on the challenge.

"I am thinking of a number between 1 and --"
"6, mortal."

Seward had lost before the challenge had even begun. Without even a moment to announce "double or nothing," Seward became posessed by the star being. Together, the two returned to Earth to bring a more intimate touch to the devastation.

His first target would be what we now know as Canada. But as he approached the moose-laden landmass, Khazgareth'thul-Seward realized his mistake. The human body cannot contain the infinite energy and potential of a star being.

The mortal's form soon began to expand and boil. Hideous rock formations formed on the ever-expanding body. It seemed that the star being would soon be nothing more than a cold, uninhabitable piece of dirt, floating in the ocean. The last part of Seward's free will laughed.

"Laugh all you like, mortal, but know this: I am filled with hatred, rage, and fury. I am evil incarnate, and even in death my darkness will live on. Your corpse will be the epitome of failure and death. Cold will fill the land and all who live here will suffer and become as animals! Aeons from now, this land will be recognized the world over as the ultimate source of disdain and corruption, and all will feel its touch!"

And that's how Alaska was born.

MikeMan on
HOW DO YOU FUCK UP BAGELS. YOU BOIL THE WATER. PUT IN THE NOODLES

Posts

  • HakkekageHakkekage Space Whore Academy summa cum laudeRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I was gonna report it, but decided to come here and make sure no one else did.

    It is full of stars.

    3DS: 2165 - 6538 - 3417
  • NerdgasmicNerdgasmic __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2009
    This is exactly what alaska is like.

    @nealcm @faynor
    nerdgasmic.gif1420 6068 6113 - XBL Atomoclassic
  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Bravo.

    PSN: allenquid
  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2009
    Context: Prof Moriarty is Alaskan.

    Speculation: He may have voted for Sarah Palin.

  • GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Rock on Prof, rock on.

    desc wrote: »
    ~ * swole patrol flying roundhouse kick top performer recognition: April 2014 * ~

  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Meowptimus Prime Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Well okie-dokie then.

    meowoptimus.jpg
    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • DehumanizedDehumanized Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    yeah, that was pretty great

  • ThegreatcowThegreatcow Lord of All Bacons Azusa Ca - The Quarry Armpit of AmericaRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    It's....beautiful....

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I am pretty sure it would be okay with "a million 'your moms'" and "Well, now, this was completely retarded"

    It would have been far funnier if it had maintained the voice it started with but instead it failed and it failed hard

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • RustRust __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2009
    I am pretty sure it would be okay with "a million 'your moms'" and "Well, now, this was completely retarded"

    It would have been far funnier if it had maintained the voice it started with but instead it failed and it failed hard

    now you're just being a nellie nitpick

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    no those things ruined it for me

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    no those things ruined it for me

    must suck to be you.

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    i hope it kills it for you too so that you can be as miserable as i

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • Silas BrownSilas Brown Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    You guys all rock, including INeedNoSalt who pointed out the weakest parts of my introduction to Alaska Week.

    CmgpQ.jpg
  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    You are so kind Moriarty

    I was too harsh as I am harsh of all Awesome posts

    It was pretty good stuff but those things took me out of the moment

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    This dude is a balsa wanting to be a guayacan.

  • Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I heard they pay you to live in Alaska.

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    You forgot the part where alaska is full of delicious oil.

  • YamiNoSenshiYamiNoSenshi Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    This post represents a straight line.

    It starts at "I would like to write something awesome," and ends at "I have written something awesome."

    Damn it, it's fucking noon. I demand to know if Yami shit on a desk yet.
  • DarmakDarmak Forgive me for this violence I am about to inflictRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I heard they pay you to live in Alaska.

    I wouldn't want to live there but it sure is nice to visit. Pretty as hell.

    hX0odIB.jpg
  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    My co-worker is going to return to the frozen north to bury her grandmother, my response when I learned that she was going to Alaska, "There's black people in Alaska?"

    My second response, "I wish I knew how to swim so I could get in on that mad money the people make on fishing boats"

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