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As Resolved as it's going to get: So my mother in law is evil.

SipexSipex Registered User
edited December 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Hi again. You guys might remember I've made a couple threads on here before and you all did a wonderful job in helping me (one with my wife/fiancee, we started communicating more and things cleared up immediately). Anywho, this thread is about a problem which has been plaguing us since I started dating my wife.

My wife's mother and her husband.

"Oh Sipex" you might say "Few people get along perfectly with their step parents, it's normal." and I'd happily agree with you and would love if that was just the case but it is not. Read the story below and know that it is not fake and tell me she is not evil afterwards. It'll be hard mind you, just thinking about the chain of events I can hardly believe they're real, I can understand if you expect to be bel-aired at the end of all this.

I apologise if I seem to trivialize horrible events but not having experienced them myself and wanting to keep this long post as short as possible it sort of happens.

Also, I'm sorry if this seems like a rant too, as it half is. My wife rants to me about this and I can't rant to anyone else to get it out because all my friends don't care or are shared between myself and her (and it's not fair to tell her secrets to people who will be able to make the connection to her).

Background info and context:
To start, my wife is the oldest of seven children, when she was younger her father did some horrible things to her and her two sisters. I won't get into details but that honestly should suffice. Her mother did not believe her at first when she finally came forward and told her, in short that she was a horrible child and a liar for saying such things. I honestly don't remember when her mother finally changed sides...I think my wife told a friend or something. Her father admitted to it, said he needed help, went to jail and was eventually deported.

A couple years go by, the family has tough times but things seem to be getting better.

My wife's mother, hereby referred to as Alice, starts dating a man named Brandon. Brandon has a temper and is currently cheating on his wife with Alice, he says his current wife does horrid things to him (later we find out none of this is true, it just turns out said wife had the balls to stand up to him and he didn't like that). My wife and her siblings (the older ones) are not too fond of him, my wife in particular hates him but Alice keeps dating him despite her concerns.

Brandon convinces Alice that she needs a break from raising the (currently 6) kids, and they put them in foster homes. This is not a joke.

Some of the children have better experiences than the others with this although they all miss each other terribly. My wife is lucky, her grand parents (Alice's parents) are foster parents and after she tells them how her previous foster family is treating her (terribly), they intervene and take over care of my wife for two years.

Suddenly Alice has a revelation, she wants her children back and by some stroke of luck she gets them all. But surprise, Brandon has left his wife and now Alice is pregnant with his child.

A short amount of time goes by...

Brandon and Alice's parents have a falling out over a joke, Brandon overreacts at said joke and storms off. To counter this Alice cuts my wife and her siblings off from their Grandparents and eventually her Aunt Candice (Alice's sister) for several years. I'd like to take a moment to state this is a very close family, raised on Mormon traditions and whatnot.

A year or so go by and my wife, being raised by Alice's parents for two years can't stand not talking to them and sneaks a phonecall to them. Alice finds out and nearly punishes my wife but her parents intervene with phonecalls apologising and generally telling her they just want the family back together again. Alice and her parents (and Aunt Candice too!) patch everything up.

During all this time Brandon has displayed his temper quite prominently. He yells at the children in frustration and anger, has hit a few and even thrown some objects at them. When crabby he grounds the children for obscure reasons or no reason at all. It's even believed that he's started hitting Alice as the signs start to arise. The children are thankful when he skulks off to his room which is often.

Alice and Brandon also start displaying blatant favourism amongst the children. Their child, the youngest of the 7, Elaine is never punished and gets the best gifts during christmas. One situation that particularily sticks out in my mind is Elaine got a doll while my wife got a tape dispenser (with her siblings receiving various other items similar to hers).

They also take leneincy towards the second oldest of the bunch, Francine. She is not punished for things the other children would see punishment for, her parents encourage her to have sex to a man who is 5 years older than her (and married) and she's generally being raised as a copy of her mother. (We eventually find out why)

Other atrocities:
- Elaine, as the youngest, is left home alone with Brandon who doesn't care to watch her or make sure she stays out of trouble. This leads to many bad things including: Drinking rubbing alcohol, losing possessions, killing off two batches of fish, shaving her arms, gluing her eyelids shut and cutting open her tongue when she tries to shave that too.
- While the kids survive off bread and KD, Alice and Brandon will order chinese food and other take out late at night so they don't have to share with the children.

I start dating my wife, we're 17ish, Brandon puts on a facade in front of guests or strangers but it's very obvious the kids are all tense around him. Eventually I find out from the lot of them the stories I have just conveyed above (and sadly more along the same lines).

My wife eventually has a falling out with her mother and moves in with me, her mother cuts the two of us off from talking to my wife's siblings. In secret meetings with a couple of the sisters we find out that she refers to my wife as the black sheep of the family.

Eventually, I'm not entirely sure how, my wife and her mother patch things up. We start visiting again. Everything is as fine as it gets.

Francine moves out to Aunt Candice's house after having a falling out with Alice but Alice doesn't cut her off.

The third oldest sister, Harriot, more like a brother to me really (she's very openly gay, and butch about it) begs to move in with my wife and I and we accept. We're cut off from the other children for a couple months again.

My wife also continues to show her displeasure towards her step-father Brandon, telling her mother that she doesn't accept him as a father and will never take his name. This is relevant later.

The current situation:
About...I'd say, two years ago I arrive at Aunt Candice's house after my wife tells me there's some sort of family emergency and I should head there after work. Upon arriving I find my wife, and the two other eldest sisters, Francine (the previously favoured child) and Harriot in tears. I'm concerned.

Over the next horrific hour the situation is revealed to me:
- The second youngest sister, Irene, went to a friend saying Brandon had been doing innappropriate things to her. Her friend responded properly and got an adult involved. Police, etc.
- This triggers an avalanche. Apparently Francine and Harriot both experienced the same thing (this would be the second time for each of them as horrible as that sounds), this is why Francine was the favoured child and why Harriot begged us to let her move in. They openly admitted it to Irene trying to comfort her and let her know they aren't alone.
- Aunt Candice, doing a good job of keeping her composure, has been on the phone with Alice during all this.
- Alice apparently blames my wife for the entire thing saying she put the idea in Irene's head and that Francine and Harriot were lying whores. They were all doing this as some demended scheme to get back at Brandon.
- Alice cuts everyone off from seeing her family, everyone. Her parents, Aunt Candice, the two sisters and us.

Time passes as we await the court date, Francine and Harriot have agreed to testify against Brandon while Alice has convinced Irene that she was making it all up. She has manipulated her daughter into believing this is all our fault. The next time we see the second youngest, Irene, she tells my wife she hates her for all of this, my wife is in tears.

I would like to take a moment to say...my wife did not have any part in this, she did not contact Irene when this first happened, she did not claim that she was abused. She simply supported her sisters because they needed her. To this day we have no idea why Alice hates us. I think she's fucking insane.

One by one the children still with their mother all fall to her corruption, they all believe her lies...maybe...well, we're not sure. Alice has very obviously told them to block all our accounts online and heavily monitors their emails, we even believe she posts as the children saying horrible things to us. One of the children, the youngest, Elaine, is unphased by her mother thankfully. Rare times we see her online (with a webcam as proof) and she says she misses her sisters.

Alice periodically sends horrible emails to us...mainly targetted at Francine who is the most gullible of the three sisters still in contact with each other. This leaves Francine in tears often. It's obvious she doesn't want the girls to testify.

Alice also spreads lies saying the girls are trying to break up the family, lies to friends of the family and such, we are thankfully not in contact with them anymore, but odd runnins just earn us cold shoulders from them now. She says the children will be taken away from her, the prosecutor (known as CAS here) ensures this is not the case...unless Alice keeps displaying that she is not an adequate parent.

Brandon is also not allowed to be with the family during this time, some child care workers catch him at the house during thanksgiving and Aunt Candice admits to seeing him there. (Alice has started letting Aunt Candice and her parents see the children again).

Court time arrives, the sisters are emotionally drained as you can imagine but they testify anyways. Aunt Candice has chosen not to take sides but to act as a support system for those who need it. We respect this choice.

Court, from what I hear (I had to work during court times), consists of the two sisters giving their testimonies, and Irene referring to her original testimony as "My Lie" the entire time. Alice's side constantly blames my wife and the two sisters for plotting against Brandon to get him taken away from the family stating that they never liked him. It's true, they don't like him but the idea of this being a plot is laughable.

The judge finds Brandon 'Not-guilty' because he/she can't fully believe Brandon is 100% guilty with no shadow of a doubt. The girls are all distraught, they were so sure justice would be served. Doubt seeds itself in Aunt Candice's mind. From now on Aunt Candice requests not to be involved in any court discussions, we oblige.

Time passes, no changes. Brandon moves back in with Alice but CAS requests he takes some courses in anger management and such. Brandon refuses. This incites court case #2.

While waiting for court case #2 my wife and I visit a theme park in a nearby city and 'accidentally' run into Aunt Candice who has taken Irene, the youngest sibling, here. Irene is excstatic to see her older sister and they spend the day together going on rides (even though my wife can barely take them). To this day we know Irene has not told her mother we were there.

Both Francine and my wife agree to testify for court case #2 (Harriot refuses, she has seen enough court time). This case is not to proove he's guilty, that, of course, cannot be done. This case is to try to keep Brandon away from the children unless he goes through mandatory therapy and regular visits. The lawyer tells my wife there's a much higher chance this will go through since the judge doesn't need to be 100% sure now, he/she just needs to be 51% sure.

Both sisters testify but only see the beginning of the preceedings. This case is apparently calling in multiple witnesses and all the children to get a reasonable assessment.

That was...about two or three weeks ago. Last night both my wife and Francine get an email from Aunt Candice stating that what they did was wrong and that they're trying to get the kids taken away from Alice. It's very obvious Alice has been talking to her.

Francine, angered by these accusations calls Aunt Candice up and angrily bitches her out. My wife calms Francine down afterwards (despite being angry herself) and sends a civil email back to Aunt Candice clarifying the situation.

Aunt Candice doesn't take, she responds accusing my wife of lying. It's apparent she's taken sides now.

I apologise for the snobbery, it's the only way I could type this without getting enraged.

What do I do? Is there anything I can do? I get so angry every time her mother pulls something new but I can't do anything.

Horseshoe wrote:
I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
Sipex on
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Posts

  • OhioOhio Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Sipex wrote: »
    What do I do? Is there anything I can do? I get so angry every time her mother pulls something new but I can't do anything.

    I read the first half the story and skimmed the second - that was long. There's way too much going on here for anyone on an Internet forum to summarize but I'd say, in general, it sounds like you should just keep out.

    Ohio on
  • NostregarNostregar Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Ohio wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    What do I do? Is there anything I can do? I get so angry every time her mother pulls something new but I can't do anything.

    I read the first half the story and skimmed the second - that was long. There's way too much going on here for anyone on an Internet forum to summarize but I'd say, in general, it sounds like you should just keep out.

    My first reaction was "stay out of it" as well, but it sounds like there is abuse going on so that's not really the best position to take.

    I don't really know what would be an appropriate course of action, though.

    Nostregar on
    Nostregar wrote: »
    I think that an entire religious debate done in haiku would be genuinely enjoyable.
    You say there is God
    I see only the fleshmeat
    Prove your space daddy
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Exactly, I'd love to stay out of it, we had the situation sort of handled until yesterday but at this rate we have to do something or Alice will eventually turn the entire family against us.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • NostregarNostregar Registered User
    edited December 2009
    As far as I can see, if the only concern is "the family won't like us", stay out of it. They're apparently all crazy and cause you nothing but trouble, so it's trouble you just don't need.

    If there's a concern of abuse, I feel like you should do something but I don't know what. It's already been to court and lost, so I don't know that there is a whole lot else you CAN do.

    But yeah, if the only concern is that they don't like you and not that there is abuse, stay out of it.

    Nostregar on
    Nostregar wrote: »
    I think that an entire religious debate done in haiku would be genuinely enjoyable.
    You say there is God
    I see only the fleshmeat
    Prove your space daddy
  • MagicPrimeMagicPrime Designated Wizard Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I don't understand a family dynamic where one member can essentially "cut off" family from contacting family.

    If my mother tried to "cut me off" from my grand parents I would just call them or go over to their house and be like, "What the hell?"

    MagicPrime on
    BNet • magicprime#1430 | PSN • MagicPrime | Steam • MagicPrime | Origin • FireSideWizard

    Ofnv4jq.gif
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    I'd love it if that was an option but my wife is very family oriented, we can't just give up on her family because her mother is psychotic.

    And that's not the only concern, it's just the most immediate one. We're constantly afraid Brandon will start up again thinking he's invulnerable since he won the last court case. Yes, this will let him be re-trialed but really, at the expense of THAT it's nearly not worth it.

    Although sadly you're right, I still can't think of anything I can do...short of vigilante justice. That's never a good idea though.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    MagicPrime wrote: »
    I don't understand a family dynamic where one member can essentially "cut off" family from contacting family.

    If my mother tried to "cut me off" from my grand parents I would just call them or go over to their house and be like, "What the hell?"

    She cuts her children off by moving them the fuck away, not answering phonecalls and heavily monitoring emails. The children are probably severely punished if they try to talk to us as well...as this was the case when she tried to cut my wife off from her grandparents.

    You also factor in that these kids have no access to transportation.

    It's really fucked up, lemme tell you.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There is no fixing some people.

    Refuse to have anything to do with the crazy mom, her crazy boyfriend or her supporters. That sucks, but will be healthier for you two in the long run. Leave the door open to the sisters and try to keep in contact with letter calls or emails. Offer to let them stay with you if possible.

    Since you and your wife didn't create this mess, there's not much else you can legally do besides trying to win custody of the younger kids.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    At this point, Sipex, the best thing you can do is be a loving pillar of support for your wife. She's not just dealing with her family during this ordeal -- she's confronting her own victimhood, her own sense of powerlessness in the face of the people who had abused her body and abused her trust. As long as you continue to make her feel empowered and responsible and supported through your love for her, then you are doing your part as her husband.

    SammyF on
  • MagicPrimeMagicPrime Designated Wizard Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    How much "sway" does the mother have on your wife now that you two are married?

    Little if any, I hope?

    MagicPrime on
    BNet • magicprime#1430 | PSN • MagicPrime | Steam • MagicPrime | Origin • FireSideWizard

    Ofnv4jq.gif
  • ceresceres I'm just your problem Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    You have the law involved, you have Child Services involved, from here there's only so much you can do. If everyone chooses the wrong side, they do; they're adults and can do that. There's nothing more you can do than try to protect the children still in her care, and you're doing that.

    In the mean time, be super-supportive of your wife, because she's been through more than anybody should, and it really looks like she's going to lose her family one by one.

    It's a terrible thing to say, but it really sounds like none of this will be over until people grow tired of Alice or she dies of old age.

    ceres on
    When you get your groove on, yeah I go blind.
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    My wife hates the bitch, I'm safe. In fact, she hasn't even talked to her (outside of court) for two years.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Far more important (in my eyes) is trying to protect the children. At this point, if Alice is so adamant that nothing is happening and is actively trying to quell the figurative uprising, she can and should be viewed as just that; an obstacle. I'm terribly sorry to hear of the indignities and violations placed upon the children of this family, and if there's anything that can be done, it's to try to salvage what is possible of their lives. Alice and Brandon don't deserve pity, sympathy or kind regards.

    If attempting to protect the children puts you and your wife in a negative light with anyone familiar with the situation, then that's their perogative, and seems like a terribly misinformed choice to make given the circumstances.

    Given that this has already gone to court twice in some fashion, obviously people (authorities and otherwise) are aware of what is going on (or at least the allegations), so I'm not sure how much more I can do as some random internet guy, but you and your wife are in a position to make a difference in the lives of those children, and however hard it is, I wish you luck in doing so.

    Forar on
    sigtwo.png
  • darkmayodarkmayo Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    For you and your wife, sever ties with crazy mom and her crazy abusive boyfriend.

    As for the family where there is potentially abuse happening, help and support them when they need a safe place to stay. Hopefully they are getting close to an age where they can move away or live with relatives who arent crazy. Then they should do the same and sever ties with crazy mom and crazy BF.

    darkmayo on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Yar, that's the current situation. For court session #2 we haven't heard results yet but I assume Alice is not 'winning' or else she wouldn't be talking about how my wife was trying to take the kids away from her.

    Our intention is never to get back in the green with Alice or Brandon, the family I'm concerned about are the kids (hoping they're not brainwashed beyond repair), my wife's grandparents and Aunt Candice's family (her husband and two kids who we're close to as well).

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2009
    Nothing you can do other than go through with the court case, offer the other siblings a place to crash when they realize what's really going down, and make sure Brandon never comes close to you or them again.

    Sheep on
    QlBGc.jpg
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Yar, the official word seems to be "Keep doing what I'm doing and wait it out." kind of sucks but okay.

    I'll post updates if we know where the court case is going. Feel free to post your intake on the situation if you want.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Sipex wrote: »
    I'd love it if that was an option but my wife is very family oriented, we can't just give up on her family because her mother is psychotic.

    You're right, it may not be an "option" - it may be the only possible thing that happens regardless of what you and your wife want.

    Some people are not sane. And sometimes, nothing will ever fix that. Sometimes it is simply not possible to keep a relationship with someone, for some reason, and insanity is one of those potential reasons. It sucks that your wife is family oriented and determined to maintain a relationship, but it may be PHYSICALLY and LITERALLY impossible. It may not be a matter of choosing anything, in the long run.

    That's not necessarily true, but if you go into this thinking "well that isn't an option" you are kidding yourself because this may not end up being about the choices you and your wife make anyway.

    Drez on
  • SaddlerSaddler Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    It sounds like they have a miniature cult going over there. But yeah, you're doing everything you can. Good job not stooping to Alice and Brandon's level of mania by doing something illegal.

    Those kids are gonna need training at some point to prevent them from growing up to be like their parents, like counseling to help them cope with all the fucked up things that have happened to them. Maybe when they are able to be emancipated, or reach 18, and can move out.

    Saddler on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Oh, point, kind of a scary point but maybe I'm reading too much into it.

    The eldest sibling still living with Alice is either 18 or 19 now. He still lives with her. I'm hoping this isn't by choice and more of no way to get out.

    edit: or possibly because he's staying behind to protect the others. Not sure.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2009
    This sounds like an SVU episode. I think it's supposed to end when Stabler busts into the house, but it's too late, you've already shot Brandon 6 times. Then the credits roll.

    But in all seriousness, I think you should keep doing what you're doing. You're not blood, but you're providing support to your wife and her sisters in the background. It's really the best you can do. If you get into any sort of direct involvement with Alice or Brandon it'll really make things worse.

    JustinSane07 on
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I think the best thing that you and your wife can do is to distance yourselves from the drama that Alice and Brandon create. Keep it out there that if her siblings need help, she will be there for them as much as legally possible, and that she loves them no matter what. If they are really trapped there (meaning they know that what's going on is wrong, but are scared to speak out), they will be able to remember that and hold onto it.

    It's very hard to let family what they want to be when you (and most of the rest of the civilized world) disagree with their choices, but that's what she has to do.

    witch_ie on
  • ceresceres I'm just your problem Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    This sounds like an SVU episode. I think it's supposed to end when Stabler busts into the house, but it's too late, you've already shot Brandon 6 times. Then the credits roll.

    But in all seriousness, I think you should keep doing what you're doing. You're not blood, but you're providing support to your wife and her sisters in the background. It's really the best you can do. If you get into any sort of direct involvement with Alice or Brandon it'll really make things worse.
    See, I was thinking of two possible endings: 1) One of the abused kids shoots Brandon, 2) Stabler busts into the house to catch the guy with a raised fist, at which point Stabler takes him down and beats him to a smear and then gets off with a slap on the wrist.

    I am sorry for how terribly morbid that was, but in all seriousness, after reading the first post one of my thoughts was really "Someday one of those kids is going to kill him." That may not match the level of drama that's actually going on, but I applaud you guys for giving anyone who wants/needs it a safe haven as much as you can. As it stands, if that really happened, the fucked-up mom would probably blame you and your wife. Let's just hope it never goes that far.

    ceres on
    When you get your groove on, yeah I go blind.
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    As has been stated, I don't think you can do much more on the legal side of things to try to protect people who are being victimized. It's horrible, but you have to hope the system can pull through.

    If I were you, I would start a savings account in private, without mentioning it to anyone. That money would be kept in reserve to help any of the sisters who ever end up reaching out to you and needing a bus ticket out, help making rent when they finally move out to get away from that horrible situation, or helping with school costs or something if the mother cuts them off again. It's not much, but it'd be a way of knowing that you're doing your best to try to help them if they ever come to a point where they need to help themselves.

    Darkewolfe on
    What is this I don't even.
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    With the mother's type of personality (i.e. mental illness), you're not going to get through to her. You can't reason with crazy, it's just not going to happen. She's not going to see your side, you're not going to persuade her. Everything you and your wife say and do will just make her more angry and vendictive. The best thing you can do is choose not to participate in the crazy and jump off the roller coaster.

    The part that really sucks is your wife has siblings who are in an abusive home, and from the sound of it has a sexual predator there with young kids. I wish I could say let it go, but I think you and your wife probably feel like you have a duty to help these kids out as the system can take a long time. I know, I work in that system, and have seen the same kind of things as you've described. The best thing you can do is report EVERYTHING. You can report any suspected abuse to your state's SRS agency. It takes a while, but as more and more reports come in, they will not be able to ignore. Leave a large papertrail. Eventually at some point they will see all of the reports and decide something drastic needs to change in that house.

    RocketSauce on
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Man, this is a train wreck of a situation in the worst way. I'll just echo what was said by many others.

    Authorities have already been involved, family has already been involved, and things are basically not going to get any better for you or the Wife if you try and get tangled in it anymore.

    It royally sucks, but you can only sit back and plan to provide some damage control for when they GTFO of that place if and when they decide to reconnect with you. The more you mire yourselves down in that cesspool of a situation, the more both sides will resent each other.

    Like it or not, but your wife is now "the enemy" and is the scapegoat of all or most of the problems in the family... there's no way to get out of that role that the mother could not twist into her favor if she's really being that way. If the kids talk to either of you, listen, be civil, and don't feed them any ammunition that the mother could pry out of them and use against the wife.

    EclecticGroove on
  • Death Cab For AlbieDeath Cab For Albie Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Every piece of advice I type up always ends in Brandon getting smashed in the face with a baseball bat. The sick asshole molests kids? He deserves the business end of a louisville slugger (I'll also accept a 9 iron)

    Death Cab For Albie on
    ...we made it cool to wear medallions and say hotep...
  • ceresceres I'm just your problem Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    Every piece of advice I type up always ends in Brandon getting smashed in the face with a baseball bat. The sick asshole molests kids? He deserves the business end of a louisville slugger (I'll also accept a 9 iron)
    You may have been kinder than I was.

    ceres on
    When you get your groove on, yeah I go blind.
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I'm trying to read between the lines here a bit, but it sounds like your mom and Brandon are still members of the Mormon Church, along with most of your wife's family, but she left the church when she married you...?

    And it sounds like you live in a community where the Mormon church is pretty influential...? Is that accurate?

    Thanatos on
  • KiplingKipling Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I'm slightly confused on who is where. There are three kids outside of the crazy house now, right?

    In comparison to a few years ago, that's three people aren't in that situation anymore. It's progress, and the fact is that some people would just have given up even before marriage, but you didn't. You dealt with crap that most people wouldn't voluntarily choose to submit themselves to, and because you were able to handle it there are three people whose lives better because of that. So when crap starts up again, try to remember that.

    You should probably make telling her something along those lines one of your first priorities. And how what you think and feel about the fact she hasn't given up. You both need to try to put the stress in context, because it can seem overwhelming.

    In terms of the future possibilities, ask the lawyer about video/audio taping consent laws in your state, for both adults and minors. For the next time someone tries to leave.

    Kipling on
    3DS Friends: 1693-1781-7023
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Kipling wrote: »

    In terms of the future possibilities, ask the lawyer about video/audio taping consent laws in your state, for both adults and minors. For the next time someone tries to leave.

    I don't see this ending well for OP because one of 2 things is going on here.

    1) The mother is a manipulative bitch and either/knows about the abuse, or simply refuses to see it for whatever reason. She will do nothing but use the tape to "prove" that her remaining kids are being coerced into this and will probably seek to have a restraining order put on the OP. his wife, and the sister living with them. The step dad has already been on trial and proven innocent. Unless the remaining kids and/or mother change their mind and go through with a new charge and stick with it, nothing will happen.

    2) Hate to bring this up, but it is certainly possible the other kids are making some of it up. Maybe abuse is happening, but perhaps not the kind they were trying to pin on him. I'm not saying this is true, but it's essentially what the kids changed their minds and stated at the first trial. The mother may have convinced them of this, or maybe they felt guilty about trying to pin a larger charge on him and simply dropped it entirely.

    I'm not saying they should do nothing, ever. But really... they are at the end of what they can do unless someone brings irrefutable evidence they can use, or the rest of the family finally gets on board with it. Without the victims and their primary guardian doing anything about this aside from making life difficult, the OP's hands are pretty much tied.

    EclecticGroove on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Thanatos: Did I mention mormons? Either way, my wife's mother and Brandon are members of the mormon church, yes. My wife and the two sisters who are on good terms with us are the only ones in the family who aren't mormon (my wife dropped out because she didn't agree with the principles, Francine dropped because...I'm not sure why, and Harriet dropped out because she also doesn't agree with the principles and she's gay)

    I wouldn't say the church is influencial, in fact I didn't even know they existed in my city until I met my wife (and then, only a while after). I have considered this as a point of contention though, Alice probably harps on it often enough. My wife's grand parents and Aunt Candice have never gotten on our case about it much. They make the off comment or two saying if we wish to be saved we should find christ but they've also said they don't hold it against us.

    I, personally hate the church, but that's a whole other thing and I've never voiced this to them.

    Being the scapegoat has become a way of life for my wife, Alice has been doing it for a long time, we've gotten used to it, it just shocked us that Aunt Candice, who we thought knew better to listen to Alice's lies, suddenly took Alice's side.

    ALSO! SUPER HAPPY FUN UPDATE!

    We've apparently been uninvited from Christmas. You can bet last night was a wonderful night. I've got the biggest urge to send Aunt Candice some passive aggressive bullshit email or something and I'm currently quelling that. I know it would be effective (as I'm the quiet aggreeable, non-aggressive one most of the time) but in the end would cause more damage.

    Why do all the satisfying choices have to be the wrong choices?

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2009
    Why would you even want to go to Christmas with those people?

    It really sounds like it would be best for your wife to cut off her crazy family members from her life.

    JustinSane07 on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    It was actually christmas with her Aunt and her grand parents (Alice and Brandon are never present, they refuse to be in the same area as us, we're fine with this), Aunt's family consists of our cousins who we absolutely adore and her grand parents who haven't said anything on the matter.

    Add to the fact we just fought to keep christmas with her aunt against my mother because it's my wife's family's turn (my mom doesn't seem to believe in taking turns).

    So, in the end, we've now been cut off from christmas with the entire family on both sides because my mom is peeved and the parts of her family that can't get any say in are also excluded to us.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Maybe you could invite them to Christmas Eve at your house even though you know you won't be seeing them Christmas day - this could be the Aunt and your Mom - anyone who wants to come. It's not passive aggressive, really, it's just showing them you want to see them during the holidays.

    witch_ie on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited December 2009
    We've decided to take our own route. We haven't bought their presents yet and we're not the only ones who have been 'excluded from christmas'. Francine was excluded for the same reason as my wife and Harriot was excluded because she stood up for us.

    With all this, we're going to use the money we would've spent on their gifts and have our own christmas celebration, it'll be the six of us (3 sisters and their SOs) but it'll be a good time nonetheless.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • ceresceres I'm just your problem Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    That sounds like a lovely idea.

    ceres on
    When you get your groove on, yeah I go blind.
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I hate to say this, but it kind of sounds like you're walking right into all these messes. From what you've written so far, I only really see one option, move on. By continually trying to smooth things out, mend fences, and live under all these ridiculous social restrictions with your wife's family, you're wasting your time and enabling her mother to continue doing these things. As to actual violence and sexual molestation, it sounds like you've done everything you could, and the system has failed. All you can do now is report anything you may see in teh future to the proper authorities. I expect the day you can both look at each other and go..."you know what, we just don't care, we're not going to play her (mom's) game anymore." will be a very freeing day indeed.
    Sipex wrote: »
    We've decided to take our own route. We haven't bought their presents yet and we're not the only ones who have been 'excluded from christmas'. Francine was excluded for the same reason as my wife and Harriot was excluded because she stood up for us.

    With all this, we're going to use the money we would've spent on their gifts and have our own christmas celebration, it'll be the six of us (3 sisters and their SOs) but it'll be a good time nonetheless.

    What would have gained by spending xmas together anyway? A tense night of forced politeness behind gritted teeth, that's no fun, and is antithetical to what xmas is anyway.

    Dark_Side on
  • delphinusdelphinus Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Sipex, from reading this thread beginning to end, im having a hard time understanding all the sister's current ages.
    theres a bunch of simple calming things i can tell you like:
    you can't control what others do, you can only control what you do.

    But in this case, if you don't act, someone's VERY likely to get hurt. So do what you can to support your wife, get the law involved and keep the sister's safe from that sicko. Even though theyll all probably hate your guts, you can go to bed knowing that they're safe.

    delphinus on
  • ArtreusArtreus I'm a wizard And that looks fucked upRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    It just seems kind of important that there is still at least one kid living there that has been sexually or otherwise abused. That is not right. And the fact that he got away with it because they intimidated the girl into thinking otherwise is extremely fucked up. That is not a good situation.

    If all of this is true, and I don't have any reason to believe you're lying about it, and if he has done this to several kids, and actually convinced them they were making it up.. Man.

    There has to be some way to communicate this to the other members of your family. I mean who cares about Alice and Brandon, but it is weak as hell that the rest of the family members think your wife made up that kind of stuff and are never talking to her while being completely convinced that the other people are just fine.

    Maybe trying to get everything into the open and giving a serious talk might stir up unnecessary drama, but if there is a girl still living with them who has been abused and then further abused into thinking she wasn't actually abused in the first place (which might make her more willing to undergo whatever else he does to her, as it "obviously" is just fine and isn't abuse, something needs to be done.

    Artreus on
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