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What's wrong with living at home in your 20s, 30s, etc. ?

useless4useless4 Registered User regular
edited December 2009 in Debate and/or Discourse
So in another post a person is being beaten up because he still lives at home with his parents after college and is in his 20s. I don't see anything wrong with this in most cases... why is everyone so against this?

Disclaimer : I lived with my parents off and on while attending local colleges. I moved out for good at 27, only after having job security... Now I am in the position that I can help out my parents financially because I didn't have to struggle earlier in life. Because of their assistance I know have achieved a better career then either of my parents, have a higher level of education and happily married and about to start a better life.

My wife on the other hand believes everyone should move out the day they turn 18. What she doesn't tell you is that she was still living off her trust fund when we got married and she was 31... I made more dollars in overtime last year alone then she has earned her entire life. But she moved out at 18 so that was MUCH better then what I did by living at home.

I have another friend who just moved out at 30... but he was saving up to buy a house in an aggressive sellers market. Was he wrong? (When the inevitable conversation about bringing the opposite sex home to mom and dad's comes up I will tell you his f'd up theory)

And here is a generic case: Alot of "adults" have their moma and dad move in with them... they take care of their "parents" while raising their own families. But that grandparent is helping out with the cooking, cleaning and in some cases contributing financially to the family . The babysitting they provide is almost priceless in this economy.

So why is it ok/not ok to live with your parents after high school?
And why is it ok and socially more acceptable if your parents "live with you" and you take care of them even if they are contributing in much the same way if the roles were reversed. (In fact most people have houses in the first place because their parents helped them out with it)

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Posts

  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2009
    There is nothing wrong with it, that girl in that other thread is being shitted on because her parents are abusive, not because she is living with them.

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  • useless4useless4 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Sorry not that thread, the "my parents might be poisoning me" thread.

  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2009
    He is being shitted on for being a paranoid fuck.

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  • TalkaTalka Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There are benefits to going out into the world and making your own mistakes. Of course, those don't necessarily outweigh the financial perks of living with your parents.

    Personally, I'd rather be struggling and independent than secure and reliant.

  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2009
    Talka wrote: »
    There are benefits to going out into the world and making your own mistakes. Of course, those don't necessarily outweigh the financial perks of living with your parents.

    Personally, I'd rather be struggling and independent than secure and reliant.

    I don't know about that. Most people I've seen that lived with their parents for a while have purchased homes and or started families quicker and more successfully than those that went straight independent as early as possible. They have also had considerably less debt. Makes sense, if you get a good job and can put like 90% of your income toward savings. No need to buy food or pay housing bills, etc.

    I guess the key is to go independent when you are certain you can afford a comfortable lifestyle on your own. Unless you like living rough.

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  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    useless4 wrote: »
    So why is it ok/not ok to live with your parents after high school?

    I do not think there is an inherent problem with living with one's parents after high school. I lived with my parents after I graduated college so that I could save money for graduate school. It made no sense to me to pay rent when I could save money by living with parents.

    The "problem", I think, is when persons live with their parents and insodoing become stagnant without any direction or compulsion to do anything with their lives. This is not objectively problematic, but it seems very easy to make an argument that stagnation does not behoove one's development, if one at all cares with development.

    So, living with parents is fine, economically sensible, and practically reasonable.

  • SpeakerSpeaker Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My wife and I live with her parents.

    I don't really see anything wrong with it.

    Their help with the new baby is nice, and the money we save on housing costs lets my wife be a full time mother.

    So . . . go intergenerational cooperation.

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  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    It becomes a bad thing when you use living with your parents as an excuse to not grow up and become an independent person.

    It can also be a problem to go straight from living with your parents into a serious relationship depending on the person's relationship with their parents and how much they were actually doing at home.

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  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2009
    We all depend on something anyway.

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  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Kistra wrote: »
    It becomes a bad thing when you use living with your parents as an excuse to not grow up and become an independent person.

    What is the virtue of being independent? Why is independence good?

  • TalkaTalka Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    _J_ wrote: »
    Kistra wrote: »
    It becomes a bad thing when you use living with your parents as an excuse to not grow up and become an independent person.

    What is the virtue of being independent? Why is independence good?

    Well, dependence can sometimes be a burden on the loved ones that are helping you out.

    Even still, I'm not sure independence is necessarily a virtue, in and of itself. It can be desirable, though. My brain is wired for independence. It's tied up with my concept of happiness.

  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2009
    _J_ wrote: »
    Kistra wrote: »
    It becomes a bad thing when you use living with your parents as an excuse to not grow up and become an independent person.

    What is the virtue of being independent? Why is independence good?

    Independence means you can basically do whatever you want, live how you want to live.

    Most people however, even ones who consider themselves independent, can't really do that.

    sexyoptimussig02.jpg
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    In my opinion, I think it's okay to live with your parents during college (hell, I am), because it helps you out financially, but I believe once you graduate (at around 21), you should move on and have the experience of living by yourself... IF you are fairly financially stable. And honestly, you kind of owe it to your parents a little bit, because they raised you for 21 years, and MIGHT want a bit of alone time now with you out of the house doing your own thing.

    Basically, hardly anyone is financially stable during college, so IMO it's okay to live with the rents for a while, but I feel like you should try to get on your feet, get a decent job, and move out and live your own life.

    That's just me though...and I can't wait to move out, actually.

  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There is nothing wrong with living with ones parents outside of it being a social taboo in some circles; i.e. "You still living with your parents? You're such a loser."

    Honestly, I've seen so many hypocrites in the 'move when you're 18' crowd that it kinda irks me. "What? You moved out when you're 18 and your parents pay your rent and car payment? Yeah buddy, you're soo independent."

    Then again, you do have that small population of 30 something years old whose lives had become stagnant. Work 8 hours, play WoW 10 hours, sleep 6 hours, repeat till infinity. Of course, this situation can happen to people who live with or without their parents.

    Seriously, it's all on how the scales balance. If the money saved outweighs the convenience of living without your family, then I say live with your parents. If it tips the other way, then live on your own. It's all circumstantial for a mature person.

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  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    In my opinion, I think it's okay to live with your parents during college (hell, I am), because it helps you out financially, but I believe once you graduate (at around 21), you should move on and have the experience of living by yourself... IF you are fairly financially stable. And honestly, you kind of owe it to your parents a little bit, because they raised you for 21 years, and MIGHT want a bit of alone time now with you out of the house doing your own thing.

    Basically, hardly anyone is financially stable during college, so IMO it's okay to live with the rents for a while, but I feel like you should try to get on your feet, get a decent job, and move out and live your own life.

    That's just me though...and I can't wait to move out, actually.

    I agree with this line of thinking. I did not move out until I was 24 (graduated, had a hard time finding work so went back for a second degree). Moved out to get a graduate degree, lost my job and ran out of money (Cash on hand - credit card debt = -$1500). I had to move back with my parents in order to get financially secure again. Pretty much as soon as that happened I started paying rent to them, which brings me to my point:

    If you are in your mid twenties or older, not in school and living with your parents you had better be paying for your own upkeep!

    Anyway, ended up living in the house with my brother after my parents moved out / waiting for it to sell (splitting full mortgage/utilities with just him). Finally out again and happier for it, but I was nearly 30 before I reached a point where I was fully able to do so.

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  • InfidelInfidel Too easy. PiltoverRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Living with your parents isn't any issue, in and of itself.

    Not growing up is a big problem.

    Never gaining independence is a great way to stunt your maturity. Parents living with their adult kids is not seen as anything negative because presumably the parents have already done more than their share of maturing, and while they are losing their independence in old age they are not impacting their own growth. They're long past that, and it just makes sense to take care of each other in a family.

    Right now my younger brother has a career and a house. My parents moved in with him and sold their house, they all live in the same city. I am going to school in another but was staying there as well to avoid having to work too much while going back to university. They helped me out, nothing wrong with a late 20s individual that moved out at 18 and lived his life independently to move back with family for financial support. (I'm actually moving back to the big city for January to finish off my last terms and begin grad school, since I can't make the commute viable any longer.)

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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    It also depends on the relationship you have with your parents. My parents separated when I was really young. I went to college (since graduated) 1400 miles away from my mother for a reason, and my father lives in small town middle of fucking nowhere since he is retired and loves to fish.
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  • HenroidHenroid Gibberish Cold white sand!Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    For the past three years, up 'til this May, I had to go back to living with my mother. My response through experience? It's a matter of shame and pride. The expectation of being able to and wanting to live on my own was strong. Then again, I have shitty parents. It was one thing to hear about all my failures in life (which was everything) when I was growing up. Having to hear it as an adult, and retroactively, was nothing short of a complete pain in the ass.

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  • RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Just a few hundred years ago the concept of living with your relatives was entirely normal. This whole "get out at 18" trend is pretty new.

    I'm going to live back home to save up currency for my grad career, but fucking hell I'm not sure what the fuck to do about dating and sex.

  • useless4useless4 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My friend has this weird idea on dating while living with your parents:
    He was 30, had a good job with amazing perks and some nice income, living in his parents basement.
    By basement I mean with a kitchenette and approaching 1500 sqft.

    He was saving up for a house (which he has since bought.)

    He had this theory which i find completely asinine:

    Girls will respect him more then if he was sharing an apartment with roommates. he says sharing an apartment with roommates makes you look irresponsible and childish. A woman would be more inclined to respect the person at 30 living at home with his parents. It shows sound financial planning.

    I never figured that theory out.

  • RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I like roommates

  • SpeakerSpeaker Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    The best thing about being married is the built in roommate.

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    Nor days of gloom, nor darkness -
    Being walkers with the sun and morning.
  • EndomaticEndomatic Registered User
    edited December 2009
    useless4 wrote: »
    My friend has this weird idea on dating while living with your parents:
    He was 30, had a good job with amazing perks and some nice income, living in his parents basement.
    By basement I mean with a kitchenette and approaching 1500 sqft.

    He was saving up for a house (which he has since bought.)

    He had this theory which i find completely asinine:

    Girls will respect him more then if he was sharing an apartment with roommates. he says sharing an apartment with roommates makes you look irresponsible and childish. A woman would be more inclined to respect the person at 30 living at home with his parents. It shows sound financial planning.

    I never figured that theory out.

    It depends on how he words it.
    From a strict standpoint, if he isn't paying rent, it's more money to save toward a house, which seems to have worked out well for him.

    It's a moot point now, and even in his favor, because he now has a house of his own.
    And here is a generic case: Alot of "adults" have their moma and dad move in with them... they take care of their "parents" while raising their own families. But that grandparent is helping out with the cooking, cleaning and in some cases contributing financially to the family . The babysitting they provide is almost priceless in this economy.

    I fall into this category, but don't understand your quotes. I own the house, bought with my money. I pay the mortgage. My mother lives with me and contributes financially. It works out well. You can't get anyone more reliable (and cleaner!) than your mother in most cases. I will admit it is a little awkward to explain.

  • ÆthelredÆthelred Registered User
    edited December 2009
    There was quite a nice article in the Times about this modern phenomena the other day.
    Young adults in their mid-twenties and early thirties are now more likely to be living with their parents than they were in 1988: nearly a quarter of men between 20 and 25 live with their parents and while the figure for women of the same age is lower than that it is still much higher than formerly.

    Something has clearly changed. When I was young, only the poor or the conventional, and perhaps the extremely rich, thought it all right to stay with their parents. Everyone else was eager to move out to a life of independence and freedom, however uncomfortable. A student hovel at university, a broken sofa in a Brighton squat or a shared cupboard in a decaying Edwardian flat was far preferable to the most cosseting of suburban luxuries with mum and dad. Among my friends it would have been seen as a mark of failure to go on living at home.

    Some of us talked of the psychological evils of the bourgeois nuclear family; there was supposed to be a natural enmity between parent and child, between old and young, and the songs of the time celebrated this division.

    [...]

    Other young people of my generation (whom I refuse to call the baby-boomers) were not much bothered by inter-generational politics — or by politics at all, in any serious sense. They simply enjoyed the fun and freedom of a bloodless social revolution. They had student grants, or they had work; they had money, they had attention. For the first time the young were rich and powerful enough to choose. Either way, the family home was for losers.

    [...]

    .. But I think this change also has something to do with an unspoken secret of our time: older adult children quite like their parents these days.

    They like them well enough to live with them and accept their loving services and subsidies from the Bank of Mum and Dad with enough grace to keep their mothers and fathers happy. I suspect inter-generational politics may actually have changed. The smell of resentment that hovers around the acronym kippers disguises this rather cheering possibility.

    TLDR : Children of this generation actually get on quite well with their parents.

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  • Moe FwackyMoe Fwacky Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    I was raised to be a very independent person. So, when I turned 19, I moved out. Granted, this didn't make me financially independent because I moved into one of my grandmother's rental houses and paid a whopping $125/mo. A year and a half later, my grandmother died and my parents inherited the property. They soon after raised the rent to something more on par with that neighborhood to cover their expenses (essentially, my grandmother was losing money with me living there, but didn't care).

    Now, this didn't make me financially independent and after a series of almost serious mistakes a few years later, I moved back in with my parents for a year. However, I did have social independence and was allowed to live as an adult and make my own mistakes, and that kind of experience was invaluable to who I am today.

    edit: moving out also improved my relationship with my parents immensely.

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  • RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Well we're still listening to rock and roll from the 60s-80s so it makes sense really

  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Robman wrote: »
    Well we're still listening to rock and roll from the 60s-80s so it makes sense really

    That's just because most (not all!) popular modern rock sucks ass.

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  • override367override367 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My mom lost her job and moved in with me and I'm still in college, how does that fit in this equation?

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  • RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My mom lost her job and moved in with me and I'm still in college, how does that fit in this equation?

    Fuck this economy in its dog raping asshole thats how

  • KalkinoKalkino Buttons Londres Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My parents and I get on really well and I don't think it would be a problem if I was living with them and working. Not working would be a problem as that would offend their sensibilities. But they live in the middle of nowhere so it has always been expected that we head off into the world and leave the area to do so. There is no way I could make either of my preferred career paths work in the area either, nor have gone to university either. If it had been, I probably would have wanted to live at home for at least a bit to save money. I probably would have ended up quite different I think, as my mother especially is one of those bend over backwards types who does all within her power to help. I could have become very lazy I think

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  • KetherialKetherial Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    i think it's looked down upon by women mostly because sometimes (maybe even often), girlfriends don't get along with parents, or wives don't get along with in-laws. overprotective mothers sometimes (maybe even often) see girlfriends as competition. i would think this is very bad and difficult for everyone involved.

    i think lots of people also think it's a little weird if your parents cater to you (i.e., do your laundry, clean your room, wash your dishes, etc.). these kinds of chores are things people expect adults to do for themselves. i probably agree with "them" (whoever they are) on this point.

    financially, there is nothing better than living with your parents. it's definitely the best way to go. i just think there are too many pitfalls that possibly get in the way of maturing.

  • MvrckMvrck Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I live at home at 24, though not under normal circumstances. Went to school for two years, ended up leaving and moving back to West Palm Beach by myself at 20. Lived there for two years, until my roommate died in a motorcycle accident. I had nine months left on my lease that I was locked into, which pretty much financially killed me. I had just bought a new car at the time, and "roommate's funeral will be in two weeks" didn't factor into my "can I afford this if things get tough" planning.

    After my lease ended, packed up and headed home. In the subsequent year I have been nearly soley responsible for ensuring my younger brother and sister make it to and from school on time, make their sports activities, do appropriate shopping and household tasks, pay rent, etc. My parents and I get along amazingly well. My being around allowed my mother to finish her last year of schooling to finally get a degree, and my father to transition from high school teaching to college courses, things they would not have been able to do without my assistance.

    I don't believe the fact that I live with my family makes me any less responsible than someone that lives independently. If anything I feel more mature and responsible from my experiences now, than I ever did living on my own. But, like everything in life, void where prohibited, and your mileage may vary.

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  • MazzyxMazzyx Changing the World Order. Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I moved up to college when I turned 18. I had small stints during the summer living with my parents while working and taking some summer classes at the community college between my normal college classes. By 20 I had an apartment and roommates and lived on my own till this last year. After I graduated college due to money I did move back for 7 months to save up money before I moved to Japan where I lived till this July.

    I currently live with my parents due to health reasons. I can't currently work at the moment and have been in and out the hospital a bit. So living with my parents right now doesn't bug me since I am not healthy enough to live on my own. In situations like that I see no problem with living with your parents. I get along with mine but I am starting to go a little nuts since I haven't lived with them for a few years.

    If you need to live with your parents for health reasons or because of the economy at the time it isn't a huge deal. If you are living there because you have never grown up and prefer to just stay stagnant then I can see it being a problem. I know people who are both.

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  • HenroidHenroid Gibberish Cold white sand!Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Robman wrote: »
    Just a few hundred years ago the concept of living with your relatives was entirely normal. This whole "get out at 18" trend is pretty new.

    I'm going to live back home to save up currency for my grad career, but fucking hell I'm not sure what the fuck to do about dating and sex.

    I think in my situation, both my parents being immigrants, they pushed on my brothers and I about it because it was their conception of America.

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  • IncenjucarIncenjucar QA Tester -> Game Producer Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There's no hard and fast rule. It depends on circumstances, personalities, and so forth.

    I personally find responsible independence to be extremely attractive and valuable. If someone can survive on their own, fully and wholly, they can develop themselves in ways that cannot occur if someone is always constantly and heavily supported. That's not to say anyone is unsupported - very few of us are in that position, and thankfully so, but having time to get to know yourself by yourself is a precious thing to me.

    That said, reality prevents me from having any issue with people who do not get that opportunity. Economics, health issues, and the raising of offspring are all reasons I can sympathize with staying with the folks longer than it takes to get your degree. People who elect to do so for other reasons I have no grudge against, but they don't jive with me at all.

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  • KupiKupi Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Retconn wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Kistra wrote: »
    It becomes a bad thing when you use living with your parents as an excuse to not grow up and become an independent person.

    What is the virtue of being independent? Why is independence good?

    Independence means you can basically do whatever you want, live how you want to live.

    Most people however, even ones who consider themselves independent, can't really do that.

    It was a while back, but I'd like to chime in: if you are dependent on something and that something is suddenly taken away from you, you're going to suffer. I mean, let's say you have someone who cooks for you all the time. As a result, you never learn how to cook much at all. If that person is suddenly taken away from you, you're going to have a hard time of it until you learn how to cook for yourself. So, if you're relying too much on your parents, you're setting yourself up for a rude awakening. Statistically speaking, they aren't going to be around for your whole life.

  • ArrathArrath Registered User
    edited December 2009
    I'm 20 and live with my parents. I moved out and lived for a year in another state, that didn't pan out too well (relationship disaster, lousy jobs, etc) I'm currently taking online classes offered by the local community college while working at least 72 hours a week, something I would not at all be able to do if I was living on my own. I am not treated like a child, I am an adult and my parents acknowledge it. I help out around the house, keep my bed and bathrooms clean, do my laundry, help out with the cooking and dishes, yard work, etc. My mom does make my lunches though, and its awesome. The rest of the crew at work is jealous of my overflowing lunch box while they have hastily thrown together sandwiches and such.

    I see no problem at all with living with your parents.

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  • Kipling217Kipling217 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Robman wrote: »
    My mom lost her job and moved in with me and I'm still in college, how does that fit in this equation?

    Fuck this economy in its dog raping asshole thats how

    Hear, hear. Thats what stopped me from moving while I was in college. I was never going to find a house that was liveable for the amount of money I had. Even Part-time jobs would only have move me up from Rat/Roach infested hellhole to plain Hellhole.

    As it was I had to stay with my mom longer due to the shitty jobmarket. The relief I felt when moving out was canceled out by the terror of actually living on my own for the first time. (the terror was mostly unfounded in the end).

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  • Irond WillIrond Will Dragonmaster Cambridge. MASuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited December 2009
    Robman wrote: »
    Just a few hundred years ago the concept of living with your relatives was entirely normal. This whole "get out at 18" trend is pretty new.

    I'm going to live back home to save up currency for my grad career, but fucking hell I'm not sure what the fuck to do about dating and sex.

    It also seems to depend on the part of the country. Where I grew up out west, living with ones' parents was really seen as a mark of shame, but it is pretty common in New England.

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  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA
    edited December 2009
    Robman wrote: »
    Just a few hundred years ago the concept of living with your relatives was entirely normal. This whole "get out at 18" trend is pretty new.

    I'm going to live back home to save up currency for my grad career, but fucking hell I'm not sure what the fuck to do about dating and sex.

    Hell, even now, it's not that uncommon for people to live with their parents until they're something like 26 I think. Especially with the economy in the tank, people can't just go get a job with the mill, move out, and get married at 18 like they could 50 years ago. It's a different world now.

    Personally, my wife and I got married during college, and we lived on our own for a little while still attending classes. When that was done, we moved up with her parents, and eventually my parents, just trying to find jobs that we could support ourselves on. We finally managed to move out for good when I was 25, and are pretty set finally.

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