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Was not expecting Nada Surf to show up in H/A, but damn if Im not glad it did!
Also, this is excellent advice. Don't be evasive. It just leads to the dude banging his head against the wall in frustration because you held out hope. You aren't "sparing his feelings", you're "avoiding confrontation".
#FreeScheck
#FreeSKFM
"I had fun but I just didnt feel that spark. "
I know what the spark is and I agree'd and that was that.
No hard feelings. if the guy gets all boo hoo then tough, thats not your problem.
Or be a decent person and just cut it off.
This is really tactful. I like it.
You just learn that later = "no" and not returning your call = "HELL NO!"
So I mean, I guess you could try to be more upfront.
But it's not like you are that different from everyone else either.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
Skyrim
GT/Twitter: Tanith 6227
It's a survival strategy because when you tell some men that they argue and fight or demand reasons. Or worse get all stabby and rapey or whatever. They just can't know until that moment, and given the risks, it's very understandable to avoid the situation.
In fact, it's so common lots of guys just don't see the massive power differential. You may want to read this discussion. I know I wasn't as aware of the issue before I did.
The small fraction of assholes ruin it for the rest of us. "We" guys just have to take it on the chin and get the fuck over it when it happens.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
This is a statistic that has been thoroughly debunked again and again. And yet its been repeated so many times that its become a part of the public consciousness, creating this rather unfortunate paranoia about men in general. And no more than a few times I've felt myself unjustly on the receiving end of that paranoia. Just sucks is all. Done ranting.
If the OP has agreed to a second date, then there has been no "social cue to back off" given, thus he can't ignore it. I'm suggesting the OP give that cue, since going out on the date is pointless anyway.
Skyrim
GT/Twitter: Tanith 6227
Very, very few guys 'get all stabby and rapey', and those that do (like, for example, Ted Bundy) are clinical sociopaths. It's not like a normal, mentally healthy person is going to hear a polite rejection and suddenly reach for the hunting knife that they were carrying for... opening those annoying electronics packages that USB memory sticks come in? Fuck.
If you're unfortunate enough to run into a sociopath while dating, it doesn't really matter what you do at that point.
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
Then she is weak and leading him on.
Say no, explain you aren't interested. Hang up.
Make sure you don't negotiate or defend your position. You're not there to tell the guy what's wrong with him, you're not there to debate the merits of your decision not to date him. Partaking in either of those conversations makes your decision into some kind of political or debatable position, one that needs to be defended and could theoretically be somehow "proven wrong."
It's a necessary thing, and while I will admit it can be difficult some times (for me, it's a fear that rejection will mean we can no longer be friends, at all) it's the nicest thing to do. It's not only easiest on them, in the long run it's easiest on you. If they hate you for it, that is their own decision, you cannot control their actions or their maturity level, so don't be afraid of their reaction or let it color your actions. You can only completely control your own actions in the end. And therefore, make your own actions as mature as possible: just let them down quickly and kindly.
Also, with respect to the "guys who react poorly to rejection": Please don't do this to girls. I went on a couple of dates with a guy who I met through friends. He came on way too strong, I just wasn't interested, and after the second date I made it clear that while I liked hanging out with him, I didn't want any more exclusive dates and our relationship wouldn't progress past friendship. For months after that, he would ignore me if he saw me out (we had a good number of mutual friends so this wasn't uncommon), he refused to invite me to events he planned but would invite EVERYONE else we both knew, aaaand to top it all off he apparently talked about how I "led him on" (two dates?! c'mon!) to my current boyfriend. Awesome. Please don't do this.
In reality, its "Be aggressive, unless I don't want you to, but I won't tell you, and there will be few signs"
But if you don't have a lot of dating experience, it's hard as hell to pick up on those signs.
Going on a date with the intention of breaking up is leading on.
He's not physically forcing her. She needs to say "No thanks, I'm not interested" and leave.
I took this to mean something like this:
"not now I'm busy, maybe later...(hope he gets the hint!)"
"well when's later? thursday?(ah, she is busy during the week, I like a girl who has her own life)"
"no not thursday... (jeez why won't this guy leave me alone? aren't I obvious?)"
"how about friday?(guess she was busy thursday)"
"no fridays not good for me, I have plans friday(omg! so annoying! someone give this guy a brain!)"
"... saturday then?(busy girl, this one)"
"oh, I guess I can go out saturday(maybe now he'll leave me alone)"
"see you then!(I think she likes me! date #2! score!)"
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
That's fair, but it's much much worse if you go out again which basically signals interest only to later let him down even worse than just cutting it off now.
It might be uncomfortable but it will only be for a minute then it's over. Doing the opposite and going out again with the intention of breaking it off later is mean and only serves to waste his money and emotions.
Let us know how he takes it... you know H/A! Details!!!
You guys do realize what irony is and that this is a song about shallow, uncaring, stupid people and that this is really no good advice for breaking up with someone you are in an actual relationship with(though that is definitely not the situation the OP is in)?
FTFY
To Librarian: Pretty sure no one was talking about real relationships. Just 1-3 date situations, where the song (joke as it may be) is perfectly sound advice.
On the other hand, deciding that you "don't love" someone after the first date seems a little... purile is the wrong word, as is vain, but you get the ghist. Most people still have a heavily crafted facade at that point, and it's kind of silly to expect swoon-level chemistry after one meeting. It'd seem more fair to treat him for one more date to be sure and explain at the end.
You can tell if you are at least attracted or interested in someone. That's the whole point of dating. If you aren't interested why bother? Unless she's out for free shit, why lead him on?
The first girl I dated was a people-pleaser, to the point that she would make plans with me- because she didn't want to say no and disappoint me- then cancel them at the last possible second because she had promised somebody else something. That behavior dragged the relationship out until I realized it was never going to change and ended it. It's become a behavior I watch out for closely- you can't please everyone all the time, and if you try you're just going to end up pissing everyone off.
And from one late-bloomer to another, assuming you've got things going on for yourself, you can be as choosy as you want. You'd be surprised how many opportunities you have if you're put-together. It doesn't mean they'll work out, but it can be fun trying.
I said the "I had a good time but I didn't think it clicked" thing. I also told him I didn't have time to travel to see him all the time (true) and I'd be graduating this year so nothing could be long-term (also true.)
He didn't give up, the stinker.
He's desperate or something. He doesn't get a lot of interesting female company (usual situation of the recent college grad in a town full of strangers) and he's pinned his goddamn hopes on me.
I wanted to tell him, "I'm trying to turn you down, silly!"
But it seems I have a second date in two weeks ...
Fuck.
I'm going to have to write him an all-caps email saying I'M NOT INTERESTED or something. Why do boys think that if they wish for something enough, it will come true?
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
I can not agree with this enough.
As a guy, an honest no beat the living shit out of being strung along. Seriously, you can simply say to a further request "No, I don't want to go out again and that won't change, sorry." and sometimes it doesn't hurt at all since you know there's no point in trying anymore and you can move on.
Margaret Thatcher
Cel, call him back and say "I'm sorry for the confusion but I'm not interested, please don't call me again."
If the subtle approach isn't working you can't be afraid to actually tell him the blatant truth.
Or, let him think he's got another date until you end up married to the guy. It could work out, I suppose.
"Haha, kids, I tried to turn your father down a million times, but he just wouldn't let up. Ten years and two pregnancies later, I knew that it was meant to be. Or stopped fighting fate. Or got bored of trying to break up with him. One of those."
E-mail sent.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not actually interested. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Not your fault, but I don't think it's going to work out."
A sane person should be able to understand that.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
Good, because that's exactly what you should say. Should have said.
Hurry up and say this.
It's a shame, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. For some people they are just so desperate that they cling to any scrap of attention like it's the last they will ever get. Others see it as a personal failing, and the other person doesn't even factor in... if you reject them it just means they have to try harder.
Then, of course, you can't forget the wonderful lessons that some take to heart from all the cheesy romance comedies and the like, where all they have to do is just stay strong and true and the girl/guy will swoon for them in the end.
Either way, that should be enough to let him know... and if it isn't, you've done your part and don't have to worry if you need to give him the cold shoulder from now on.
Stop evading the problem and confront it. You aren't going to solve a problem by avoiding and evading it. Simpley be honest and confront him straight on and let him know you are not interested, it's will always be the best method; don't worry about hurt feelings because the sooner you deal with telling him the truth, the less painful it will be for him.
don't be like that
like that nada surf song
dont do that
So you tell them again
without the niceties
if they continue, you tell them to up and fuck off, before you consider getting authorities involved
How could you be led on for a year and a half? Did you never make a move?