So, just recently, I got rejected for the n
th time, which I suppose isn't unusual, but in this case brought up a slew of insecurities in me that I just don't know how to shake. For a little background, I'm 19, I have a history of depression (about 6 solid years of it), which I attribute to also having OCD (the obsessive part, so I tend to cling on to things that make me anxious...like this!
). I'm over it for the most part, and can handle most situations, but this means a lot to me and I really want some reassurance...or a reality check. Well, I don't want a reality check, but I guess if I need one I should get it now.
So, this girl. I think she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen anywhere. This includes movies, television, magazines, whatever...I like her body language, her voice, her looks, her name...She's got a great personality, we get along well, and I've never felt as strongly about someone as I have about her. Of course, it doesn't matter now, she likes another guy and it's clear there's nothing that's going to happen between us. As much as that hurts to get over, it also brings some doubts to my mind, the main one being: am I shooting too high? Am I going to have to settle for somebody 'realistic' and "in my league?" Those words honestly make me anxious just to think about. I couldn't settle until life really just beats me to the floor and I do it because I'd rather not be alone...
Everyone likes this girl, they think she's beautiful, and 99% of them understand she's out of their league. I don't believe in that thing, or at least I don't want to
. By most accounts I'm not bad looking, but shit, now that I've seen her I don't know if I could handle somebody I found less attractive, and I don't know if I have what it takes to be with that person. It's not my personality I'm worried about, I think I'm a lot of the things most girls want: I'm sensitive, positive, I want just one girl, and I plan to treat her right. Of course, I won't do any of those things if I'm not up to standard physically. I'm in good shape and only getting in better shape, but what if I'm just not that handsome? I'm not really tall, I don't have a strong jaw, I don't have bulging muscles or any of that shit...I feel like I'm doomed to face the reality that I won't ever be with a girl like her.
Am I just beaten up because of a particularly harsh rejection or am I contending with something very real here?
TL;DR: fell for a really pretty girl who I think is great in all ways, standard is raised for me, now unsure if I will ever have that.
EDIT: Oh, and I also very, very rarely find myself attracted to somebody. It's not always the most beautiful girl in the room, often times people think one girl is gorgeous and I agree she's pretty, but I'm not attracted to her at all. Othertimes I'm attracted to a girl and I can't explain why. However, I don't know if everything has changed now that this chick has entered (and exited) the picture. Just like eating a gourmet meal, it's not easy to go back to something you find less appealing.
EDIT 2: It occurs to me that I'm explaining this girl in a purely superficial sense, and it makes me come off as being only superficial. I can guarantee there's a lot more to the whole thing. It's just that I found this girl that I think is almost perfect for me, and when it didn't work out I started worrying that it's because my standards are just too high, and that a guy like me will never get a girl like her.