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The Black Dog Follows (Short Story, 2.2k)
Iriah
Registered User
Registered User
It's been a while since I've posted or critiqued something, but I'd really like some C&C on this, if you've got the time! Thanks.
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Iriah on
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As sentences go this is already very brief, the comma just becomes a hiccup.
This is a great passage; it speaks volumes, it does the reader credit by letting them assume that Henrietta is a chicken (as daft as that might sound you’d be surprised how many authors feel the need to extrapolate), it expands on the touching melancholy that began with the disparity between Theodore’s old and new notebooks with the pictures of fish. But the bolded part instantly shatters the rhythm even though it’s integral.
If you really want to have a pause, consider hyphens. Not an improvement so much as a change from the scattergun commas. Or hell, even just:
Because you tell the reader pointblank that he’s a “large black dog” in the next paragraph- so rather than redundancy, you’d have a setup.
“Horizon to the east”, “from which he took it, in the war”- these sorts of lines are harder to comment on because they’re factual but not necessarily telling us anything we need to know, particularly in the first example. But to your credit the “The trot favours his back left paw” line was echoed later and given relevance.
Once people start talking the story finds its footing. The dialogue is brilliant, full of character in both speech and motion- I especially liked the understated part with the unboiled kettle.
This was great. “Pike especially” is so apt and specific that it raises a smile despite the doom and gloom all around it.
Aargh. We know what’s coming, but you still know how to make us squirm!
The ending is forecasted but it’s still equal parts horrific and touching, and the poem is likely to linger in the reader’s memory for a long time.
As is, it's a great read with a few little grammatical niggles. This is one of those classical theme stories that have been told before and are practically capable of telling themselves, so that first third could really benefit from being tightened up- if the finale and its build-up is anything to go by you could make it truly excellent.
I get that you're trying to establish Theo's pattern here, but everything else is written as a specific actions Theo takes, not generalized behavior patterns. I recommend getting rid of the "or" clauses here. Or perhaps rephrase them like "Breakfast is cold porridge. Yesterday it was lukewarm bacon and eggs."
Sounds weird—though perhaps that's what you're going for. I would try "either"
I really liked this.
Appeared, not appears? I am worried about your tenses switching a lot, though I haven't been paying that close attention.
The word "stands" doesn't seem to fit the image of a four-legged creature. Perhaps "gets up"?
...
General thoughts: I don't generally like depressing stories because, well, I don't like feeling depressed. Especially about dead doggies. But this was very well written and not overly blunt with the symbolism. "Losing" possessions as a prelude to death works well, and the confusion clicks into understanding at just the right place.
Firstly, I agree with Qingu about the paragraphs that say 'sometimes he does this, or sometimes he does that.' That's a summary narrative, and so early in the story it really takes one out of the scene. I agree that it should be written to describe what he's actually doing, with some tidbits thrown in to represent the repetition. As it stands, I felt an immediate disconnect as soon as you started summarizing.
Secondly, I thought the most interesting aspect of this story was the dispossession of property. I would like to see a more detailed exploration of the theme, as I thought that it should be more than a lead-up to death. There's a lot of interesting philosophical ideas contained in ownership and alienation of property, and the idea that the dog is his own dog brings the spectre of a lot of philosophical commentary from Locke to Marx. This is just an idea, but this isn't a particularly well-explored theme in literature, and I think it could make your story stand apart.
I'm a bit ashamed to say this is a more-or-less first draft, hot off the press, so the language is stilted as you say. I mostly wanted to be sure the pacing was solid, and no one seems to have any issue with that except for the first third. It's a bit muddled, mostly because I didn't really find my stride until the last third, when I knew where everything was going.
I'll rectify all the grammatical fuckups you guys pointed out, especially the part about the chicken and dog. Chronos, I was wondering if you could maybe give me a suggestion of some way you'd like to see the possession idea expanded on? I mean, I know how that sounds, but I didn't know that was going to be in the story at all until I wrote the sentence about his house. And then I was like, oooooh, so that's what's going to happen. You know? Anyway!
Thanks again.
I disagree that this is awkward. A trot cannot favour something, but it worked fine as an image, for me.
And I agree, this was really nice, especially the bolded part.
Good to see you posting again! But I'm gonna say, this wasn't my favourite of your works. There are some excellent aspects, but it doesn't pull together for me.
The part that grabbed me the most was Theodore's condition, his "unbelonging". It doesn't matter whether the reader interprets this as a purely psychological condition or a literal changing of the objects in his life, it works. A truly gorgeous and unsettling manifestation of the slide towards death.
As for the... um...
Upon rereading, I realise I missed two entire paragraphs first time through. No wonder this made no sense. Goddamnit.
Catch you on MSN, we'll talk more.
I don't want to tell you how to write your story, I just thought there were some interesting questions. When his things are no longer his, to whom do they then belong? Do they become their own things, like the dog, or do they revert to someone else? It seems there's references to who physically made things, or chopped the wood being important. Is labor an ingredient to possession (as it was for Locke)? Perhaps in the end, the narrator is dispossessed of himself? I'm also curious to know how the death of the dog leads to his dispossession. Is he sort of fading into some etherial world, where his interaction with real things begins to fade? I thought perhaps the returning of the dead dog was perhaps a manifestation of his drifting into the afterlife, of which dispossession was s symptom.
Anyways, these are questions that certainly need not be answered, but might provide some interesting things to think about if you decide to expand on them.