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Double Standards

DiogeeDiogee Registered User
edited March 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I made a post a little while ago about getting back into a relationship with an ex.. well we've been at it for a while now and for the most part, things are fairly good but I am starting to have one concern I was hoping I could get some input on.

For whatever reason, the girl I am dating thinks I am just an absolute ass-magnet and that any girl I interact with wants to sleep with me within seconds. This is, of course, not at all the truth, but in her mind it is. Because of this, she doesn't like me making friends that are girls or talking to other females in general. I have several female friends that I have known much longer then her who have always been nothing more then friends, and she gets a little upset any time they contact me and I respond.. she has said on a number of occasions that she doesn't understand why I am holding on to these people from my past, etc, all the reasons I shouldn't talk to girls.

Now her not wanting me to talk to other girls is not a big problem for me. I love her, and we've come to an understanding that my friends are my friends, but I have no problem not going out and meeting new friends that are female. Not a big deal. My problem comes in the double standard that is becoming more and more evident in that requirement. She is a beautiful girl, and thus gets a ton of male attention, especially considering she works at a restaraunt where all the guys just want to get drunk and bang. The other day she called and said the bartender at the place asked her to hang out sometime and I was really surprised. How could she think it would be ok to go hang out 1 on 1 with a guy she knows is interested in her, when she doesn't even want me to TALK to another girl? If I proposed that situation to her but the other way around, she would have gone balistic.

The trouble is two fold - one, I trust her. Completely. I know no matter how hard a guy tries, she would never do anything with anyone else. She genuinely just wants to make friends and be social, she is innocent and often times doe-eyed in that she doesn't recognize that a lot of guys are just trying to get in her pants. So every time I bring something like this up, I feel stupid because I know she can just hang out and set boundries. However, part 2, is that she has different expectations for me and thats what really bothers me. That whole do as I say, not as I do thing is very frustrating. However, I am the one who asked to get back together - is it my responsibility to bite the bullet here to show her I care?

I know its a power game to a certain extent. She never felt in control in our relationship before and she sees the opportunity to do so now because I am trying so hard.

Anyone care to share in experiences with jealous girlfriends? Do they get over as they gain confidence in the relationship or is it a path doomed for failure because she will never trust me?

Diogee on
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Posts

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited March 2010
    It's doomed to failure on it's current course, you'll eventually get fed up with it and snap or your spirit will break and it won't matter.

    You need to talk to her about this, one on one.

    Also, "Now her not wanting me to talk to other girls is not a big problem for me. I love her, and we've come to an understanding that my friends are my friends, but I have no problem not going out and meeting new friends that are female. Not a big deal." this

    Never that, never.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling and you probably should not have gotten back together. Seriously, shit like this pisses me off. If she doesn't want you to have friends who are gals or make friends who are female that is some serious insecurity. Then if she insists that and then insists she can make male friends whenever she wants, then she's crazy. And possibly banging someone else. But is definitely treating you like a sucker.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    I wouldn't say it's "doomed to failure". There are some issues with their relationship, sure, but which relationship doesn't?

    If he thinks she is more important than potential new female friends, so be it. That's his choice. I wouldn't say it's inherently right or wrong - depends on the person.

    OP - you basically said it yourself. She is applying double standards to the relationship. If it were me in your situation, I would basically talk to her and say that it's not OK, because I'm a person that values principle and integrity, especially when it comes to relationships with other people. In my experience this leads to more solid foundations.

    You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?

  • DiogeeDiogee Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    You need to talk to her about this, one on one.

    I do try and talk to her about this one on one. The frustrating part is that its always 'different'. She always has a reason that my situations arent ok but hers are. For example, she says she wasn't trying to go out and meet guys, she just works with this bartender and he is fun so its ok. But if I met a girl at a work conference or something, that is different because i MUST have been flirting with her if she wants to hang out with me. I completely agree that talking it out is the only way to fix it, but I just haven't found an approach that sticks with her. Its always 'different', and for whatever reason I am always on the wrong side of the difference.

    I try and look at any siatuation with the opposite sex and ask myself "If she did this, would it bother me?" If the answer is yes, I dont do it. I don't feel like I am getting that same respect, and I have told her that but like I said before, its 'different'

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling and you probably should not have gotten back together. Seriously, shit like this pisses me off. If she doesn't want you to have friends who are gals or make friends who are female that is some serious insecurity. Then if she insists that and then insists she can make male friends whenever she wants, then she's crazy. And possibly banging someone else. But is definitely treating you like a sucker.

    God dammit people you need to stop saying stupid bullshit like this.

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    No offense, but a lot of people told you in the last thread that getting back together was a bad idea

    Jealousy in a relationship means there's a lack of trust, and she's in no way the "love of your life" if she's trying to control who you're allowed to be friends with.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    Your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling and you probably should not have gotten back together. Seriously, shit like this pisses me off. If she doesn't want you to have friends who are gals or make friends who are female that is some serious insecurity. Then if she insists that and then insists she can make male friends whenever she wants, then she's crazy. And possibly banging someone else. But is definitely treating you like a sucker.

    God dammit people you need to stop saying stupid bullshit like this.

    His girlfriend hangs out with the bartender who likes her but flips her shit when he talks to a girl because she might want to do him? You know who worries obsessively about being cheated on, people who are cheating.

  • muninnmuninn Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Your girl sounds emotionally insecure and possibly has a controlling personality. Personally I would think that she is not ready for a serious relationship at the moment. How old are you guys?

    And speaking of examples, my friend married a woman who insisted and coerced him away from interaction with his friends. He ended up completely alone and isolated, trapped in a relationship that went sour.

    Remember that you are equal partners in this relationship, and if your partner is making unreasonable demands of your personal life, it is fine to stand up for yourself and your friends that she seems to be attacking.

  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    For whatever reason, the girl I am dating thinks I am just an absolute ass-magnet and that any girl I interact with wants to sleep with me within seconds. This is, of course, not at all the truth, but in her mind it is. Because of this, she doesn't like me making friends that are girls or talking to other females in general. I have several female friends that I have known much longer then her who have always been nothing more then friends, and she gets a little upset any time they contact me and I respond.. she has said on a number of occasions that she doesn't understand why I am holding on to these people from my past, etc, all the reasons I shouldn't talk to girls.

    BWEEEEP! BWEEEEEP! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Just so everyone understands where he's coming from, the last thread

    Long time reader, first time poster - love of my life?

    was only a couple weeks ago

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Well, first things first. I don't think it's a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who tells you who you can and can't hang out with. Now, that isn't to say that you shouldn't let their feelings factor into your decisions on the matter (like, for example, you decided that you wanted to hang out with your ex-girlfriend all the time 1 on 1 and you wouldn't feel comfortable with your current girlfriend doing the same). It simply means that you get to decide who you see and who you don't.

    Second, it's pretty obvious that she's insecure. Either it's from bad past experience or guilt from her own actions. Oftentimes, a person involved in infidelity may transfer their guilt into jealousy. While you may not believe that to be the case, and it indeed may not be the case, it's certainly a possibility in this situation. Most people being cheated on can never imaging their spouse or loved one doing that to them. But the statistics on infidelity are staggering. So, there's obviously a huge disconnect between belief and action.

    Finally, I think you should talk with her about it. You have no right to tell her who she can or can't hang out with, just like she has no right to tell you. If the situation continues to go down this same path, you may end up being unhappy with the controlling nature of your gal.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    Your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling and you probably should not have gotten back together. Seriously, shit like this pisses me off. If she doesn't want you to have friends who are gals or make friends who are female that is some serious insecurity. Then if she insists that and then insists she can make male friends whenever she wants, then she's crazy. And possibly banging someone else. But is definitely treating you like a sucker.

    God dammit people you need to stop saying stupid bullshit like this.

    His girlfriend hangs out with the bartender who likes her but flips her shit when he talks to a girl because she might want to do him? You know who worries obsessively about being cheated on, people who are cheating.

    Or people who have been cheated on in the past, or people who are generally insecure.

    You really need to think before posting.

  • DiogeeDiogee Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?

    This specifically wasn't the issue. A quick background would be we dated for a bit over a year and we both got lazy and stopped putting effort in. The little problems grew to big ones because we werent both all in on the relationship and eventually the bickering and fighting made the prospect of being not in a relationship better then the prospect of staying in this one. After we were apart for a while, I realized this girl really is something special and even though she has flaws (like this one!) she has a tremendous number of great qualities that I admire and look for in a woman. For example, like I said earlier, she is completely faithful. I will never have to worry about her cheating on me ever, and I can say that with full confidence as someone who often looks at things skeptically. I came back to her and said I want to put the effort in and continue working on our relationship because I know if we dont get lazy, we can be very happy.

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Oh hey, I remember that thread.

    YOU'RE STILL BEING A SILLY GOOSE.

    You still undervalue yourself and treat her word as law.

    Do you still like your current female friends?
    Do you still like talking to other females?

    If yes to either than STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

    When you talk to her about this again (and do it again) refuse the excuses, stand up for yourself man. This will only end badly if you let her wriggle out of this.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Just read your update about how the situations are different. You just need to be firm with her and say "They aren't. You would be hanging out with a person on the opposite sex and I would be as well. You can give all the reasons in the world as to why your situation is different, but those reasons don't change the situation whatsoever."

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Diogee wrote: »
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?

    This specifically wasn't the issue. A quick background would be we dated for a bit over a year and we both got lazy and stopped putting effort in. The little problems grew to big ones because we werent both all in on the relationship and eventually the bickering and fighting made the prospect of being not in a relationship better then the prospect of staying in this one. After we were apart for a while, I realized this girl really is something special and even though she has flaws (like this one!) she has a tremendous number of great qualities that I admire and look for in a woman. For example, like I said earlier, she is completely faithful. I will never have to worry about her cheating on me ever, and I can say that with full confidence as someone who often looks at things skeptically. I came back to her and said I want to put the effort in and continue working on our relationship because I know if we dont get lazy, we can be very happy.

    If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

    Have you been in relationships in the past, or is this your first?

    I am asking because I need some context about your perspective, whether it's founded on past experience, or just naivette.

  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Diogee wrote: »
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?

    This specifically wasn't the issue. A quick background would be we dated for a bit over a year and we both got lazy and stopped putting effort in. The little problems grew to big ones because we werent both all in on the relationship and eventually the bickering and fighting made the prospect of being not in a relationship better then the prospect of staying in this one. After we were apart for a while, I realized this girl really is something special and even though she has flaws (like this one!) she has a tremendous number of great qualities that I admire and look for in a woman. For example, like I said earlier, she is completely faithful. I will never have to worry about her cheating on me ever, and I can say that with full confidence as someone who often looks at things skeptically. I came back to her and said I want to put the effort in and continue working on our relationship because I know if we dont get lazy, we can be very happy.

    This isn't about being lazy, this about her trying to control who you can be friends while insisting that she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants. Unless she's willing to get over that this isn't going to work and isn't an equal relationship. Honestly, I don't care how lovely she is otherwise this is a pretty big issue.

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited March 2010
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

  • badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.

    I've been in this kind of love and while you're there you can't see the forest through the trees. But, really, it will just continue until she makes you into the person she wants instead of the person you want to be.

    She either has to change or you have to leave. It will hurt for awhile, but sooner or later it'll scab over and you'll have learned an important life lesson.

    You should always be who you want to be, not who someone else wants you to be.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.

    Well, if it deteriorates into that, then sure.

    But at this point your point is nothing more than conjecture.

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited March 2010
    You trust her, neat. She doesn't trust you. It does not matter what the reason is that she doesn't trust you. It doesn't matter if she's been hurt in the past unless YOU did it, because even if that's the case, you're in your second attempt at a relationship and she's not even trying, and she won't talk to you about it because she doesn't need to-she already has you. This is the prettier of the options, because the other is that she's batting her eyelids and inflating your ego as a tool to keep you from being friends with people she doesn't like because she can.

    You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you farther than they can throw you, or does because they know that you're so deep in their thrall that you won't even look at someone they tell you not to.

    I don't know what suggestion to give you that isn't "break up with her". She doesn't want you to be around another girl, have you tried suggesting that she behave in kind with guys? If she isn't willing to do what she's asking you to do, you have a very uneven relationship and it's just not going to last.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

    Have you considered how fair it is to his female friends?

    They've known him for years and one day he just cuts communication with them because some girl he's dating said so. No good reason or anything.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

    Have you considered how fair it is to his female friends?

    They've known him for years and one day he just cuts communication with them because some girl he's dating said so. No good reason or anything.

    It's insane though if he's willing to do this he can't be that good of a friend. A good friend wouldn't drop someone like that.

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

    It's a legitimate sign of an abusive relationship, so YES there's something wrong with it.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • DiogeeDiogee Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    Diogee wrote: »
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?

    This specifically wasn't the issue. A quick background would be we dated for a bit over a year and we both got lazy and stopped putting effort in. The little problems grew to big ones because we werent both all in on the relationship and eventually the bickering and fighting made the prospect of being not in a relationship better then the prospect of staying in this one. After we were apart for a while, I realized this girl really is something special and even though she has flaws (like this one!) she has a tremendous number of great qualities that I admire and look for in a woman. For example, like I said earlier, she is completely faithful. I will never have to worry about her cheating on me ever, and I can say that with full confidence as someone who often looks at things skeptically. I came back to her and said I want to put the effort in and continue working on our relationship because I know if we dont get lazy, we can be very happy.

    If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

    Have you been in relationships in the past, or is this your first?

    I am asking because I need some context about your perspective, whether it's founded on past experience, or just naivette.

    We are both 23. This is definitely not my first relationship, Ive had other long term relationships before her. I lived with one girl for 6 months. I had to grow up pretty fast when I was younger so I would say I am not your typical 23 year old.. I'm not going out, hooking up, getting drunk..

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.
    Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.

    Remember it yet?

    Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • Angel177Angel177 Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.
    Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.

    Remember it yet?

    Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.

    LOOK AT LACH"S THREADS, trust me, you'll thank us \, that shit made me D: on a daily basis.

    6103544412_a48002080a.jpg
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    You're going to fawn over her for awhile, not break up with her for awhile, this relationship is going to end explosively and you're going to be incredibly emo about it for a long while.

    Five years from now you will look back and say, "Man, I wish I hadn't behaved in such a silly way."

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

    Have you considered how fair it is to his female friends?

    They've known him for years and one day he just cuts communication with them because some girl he's dating said so. No good reason or anything.

    Exactly. It's a spineless betrayal. It's saying, "I can't hang out with you because of the opinions of other people." I don't know why people think it's unacceptable when "the cool kids" do that, but perfectly fine when a woman does it, but it's still the same thing, and it's still something you grow out of in junior high.

  • DiogeeDiogee Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Most recent text she just sent me after our argument last night about the bartender:

    "Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"

    I know you guys think its naive, but shes not saying she wants to date other people. Shes trying to position her needs as 'different' then mine.. saying that I have no right to tell her not to make friends with bartender guy because we are just 'dating' and not gf/bf.. but because I am commited she can tell me what to do. Its ironic, I dont want to control everything, infact I want to control less! I dont want to have to care who shes hanging out with and I am just asking her to do the same for me.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited March 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    You trust her, neat. She doesn't trust you. It does not matter what the reason is that she doesn't trust you. It doesn't matter if she's been hurt in the past unless YOU did it, because even if that's the case, you're in your second attempt at a relationship and she's not even trying, and she won't talk to you about it because she doesn't need to-she already has you. This is the prettier of the options, because the other is that she's batting her eyelids and inflating your ego as a tool to keep you from being friends with people she doesn't like because she can.

    You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you farther than they can throw you, or does because they know that you're so deep in their thrall that you won't even look at someone they tell you not to.

    Alright, yeah you're right. Put this way, I agree with you.

    OP, I think you need to sit down and re-evaluate your relationship based on what you are being told. In order for a relationship to have long term potential trust needs to flow both ways and equally. If you trust her but she doesn't trust you then it doesn't matter if you're OK with it, it's going to snap sooner or later.

    And yeah, 23 is pretty young.

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Diogee wrote: »
    We are both 23. This is definitely not my first relationship, Ive had other long term relationships before her. I lived with one girl for 6 months. I had to grow up pretty fast when I was younger so I would say I am not your typical 23 year old.. I'm not going out, hooking up, getting drunk..

    Behavioral maturity does not equal emotional maturity. You can have one without the other.

    Good luck, dude.

    twitter, github, resume/portfolio, if you like to play or host boardgames online, check out handtracker
  • DiogeeDiogee Registered User
    edited March 2010
    Angel177 wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.
    Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.

    Remember it yet?

    Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.

    LOOK AT LACH"S THREADS, trust me, you'll thank us \, that shit made me D: on a daily basis.

    Link?

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited March 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.
    Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.

    Remember it yet?

    Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.

    I remember him, and I think relationship horror stories would do this guy good.

    Lachoneous was married and had a kid, his wife insulted him, stopped him from hanging out with his friends, wouldn't let him get a military job and stopped him from playing video games (as he had gotten 'addicted', notice the quotes please)

    This all happened AFTER they married, it seeped in gradually at first then hit him like a brick wall.

    Last we heard the man was on the road to getting divorced and trying to retain some legal connection with his son before his wife took him away.

    Don't let yourself become this man.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Diogee wrote: »
    Most recent text she just sent me after our argument last night about the bartender:

    "Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"

    OK, she's not your girlfriend.

    Stop pretending and open your eyes please.

    It doesn't matter whether you think she wants to date other people, it matters that she's out doing whatever the fuck she wants with whoever the fuck she wants and you're not allowed to hang out with your friends.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    edited March 2010

    We are both 23. This is definitely not my first relationship, Ive had other long term relationships before her. I lived with one girl for 6 months. I had to grow up pretty fast when I was younger so I would say I am not your typical 23 year old.. I'm not going out, hooking up, getting drunk..

    Obviously her issues are raising a red flag for you, since you at least made the effort to post here and (ostensibly) are willing to listen to opinions. There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing everything you can to save your relationship. However, my best advice is that you remember that making her happy isn't more important than you being happy. A good relationship makes both people partners in happiness, not one happy and one miserable.

    EDIT: After reading you last post it's obvious that she's not in the same place as you are as far as wanting a relationship. Go hang out with whomever you want and let her do the same. I think you'll find things will be taken care of in short order. And, no, I don't want to elaborate on that because you'll just say "She'd never do that," when she probably already is or soon will be.

  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Diogee wrote: »
    Angel177 wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?

    You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?

    Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?

    Really.
    Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.

    Remember it yet?

    Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.

    LOOK AT LACH"S THREADS, trust me, you'll thank us \, that shit made me D: on a daily basis.

    Link?

    I believe the thread was removed at his request.

  • mysticjuicermysticjuicer Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.

    I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.

    The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.

    FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?

    I'm a firm believer that any relationship is beholden to the desires of only those who are participants in it, and what works for others, or is normal for others is at best a distraction and at worst an impediment. So I don't see anything wrong in the general case of compromising something in order to make the other partner in a relationship feel more comfortable and at ease. In this particular case though, I think that cutting off contact with OPs female friends doesn't address the actual crisis, which is that she doesn't trust him to behave honorably with women.

    He notes that this is an issue with female co-workers and peers he meets in conferences as well. If he's willing to cut off contact with his female friends, is he also willing to cut off all contact with all women in the world? Should he hand out bags, and ask women to put them over their heads before they speak to him?

    OP, you need to sit down and talk to your girlfriend until you figure out a way to ease her into trusting you. I don't know what shape that discussion is going to take, but she needs to at the least admit that she doesn't trust you around women. From there, you need to find a way to acclimatize her to you hanging out with women. Maybe that means that for the next little while she hangs out with you and your female friends when you get together. Maybe that means explicitly letting her know when you're out with a female friend, or calling her sometime during that time to talk to her briefly.

    In the end, she will either overcome her feelings of insecurity and jealousy, or it will end the relationship as you eventually get tired of being CSIed about "why you were five minutes late coming home YOU'RE FUCKING HER AREN'T YOU!".

    Edit: And this discussion should not take the form of an argument, where you logically prove how much of a silly goose she is, and how one-sided her demands are, and "how would you like it if I told you that you had to stop talking to men or hanging out with your guy friends." Use "I feel" statements. Don't assign blame. Look for solutions, not victory.

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