Just read a bunch of the Lachon thread and I can relate to some of it. I don't think this girl is that abusive but still, I can feel that guys pain. I can relate to a lot of what he was saying and its another good perspective of where things could end up.
If you relate to ANY of it, you have problems ok?
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MichaelLCIn what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered Userregular
Just read a bunch of the Lachon thread and I can relate to some of it. I don't think this girl is that abusive but still, I can feel that guys pain. I can relate to a lot of what he was saying and its another good perspective of where things could end up.
If you relate to ANY of it, you have problems ok?
From your last thread, it sounds like you ignored the advice, so probably will again.
Relationships take work on both parties, but they should be a net positive for both, not only one.
Just read a bunch of the Lachon thread and I can relate to some of it. I don't think this girl is that abusive but still, I can feel that guys pain. I can relate to a lot of what he was saying and its another good perspective of where things could end up.
If you relate to ANY of it, you have problems ok?
From your last thread, it sounds like you ignored the advice, so probably will again.
Relationships take work on both parties, but they should be a net positive for both, not only one.
It was very difficult to walk away from her even after the last thread. I really felt like I owed her a chance.
I am going to take the advice from this - not to walk away, but to make it clear she either needs to commit and try at this with me or I am not interested any more. I don't want to be a doormat or a just-in-case, I want to be in a healthy, positive relationship be it with her or someone else in the future.
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
edited March 2010
Look, I can tell you that she's going to bend right over for you as soon as you lay that ultimatum down on her.
Then it's going to be a case of her slowly pushing back until the status quo is achieved.
You can't insist that people change when that isn't what they want out of a relationship. You can only control yourself, and you have to ask yourself, "Is this what I want in a relationship?" and if it's not, all you can do is say, "This isn't what I want."
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DunxcoShould get a suitNever skips breakfastRegistered Userregular
Just read a bunch of the Lachon thread and I can relate to some of it. I don't think this girl is that abusive but still, I can feel that guys pain. I can relate to a lot of what he was saying and its another good perspective of where things could end up.
If you relate to ANY of it, you have problems ok?
From your last thread, it sounds like you ignored the advice, so probably will again.
Relationships take work on both parties, but they should be a net positive for both, not only one.
It was very difficult to walk away from her even after the last thread. I really felt like I owed her a chance.
I am going to take the advice from this - not to walk away, but to make it clear she either needs to commit and try at this with me or I am not interested any more. I don't want to be a doormat or a just-in-case, I want to be in a healthy, positive relationship be it with her or someone else in the future.
Judging by the previous pages, and this thread, that's just going to delay the inevitable.
You'll sit her down and give her the ultimatum. She will either flutter her eyelashes and promise change (but it won't happen - it's a temporary measure to keep the whacky non-status-quo you two have in check). If that doesn't happen, she'll straight up refuse to comply. Sadly, this one's on you and if this happens, you should walk.
You've fought for this enough man, it's not going to get you anywhere. Cut out the middle man, cut your losses and find someone who doesn't treat you like this.
I am going to take the advice from this - not to walk away, but to make it clear she either needs to commit and try at this with me or I am not interested any more. I don't want to be a doormat or a just-in-case, I want to be in a healthy, positive relationship be it with her or someone else in the future.
If you are lucky, she will dump you even harder than she already has. This relationship sounds terrible. Get out while you still can.
What I dont understand is how you guys think anything ever gets worked out. Do you live in a world of perfect relationships where no one ever has problems? Have you guys found the love of your life and everything just clicks?
I have been told and taught that a relationship takes work and sacrafice. If she doesn't want to change and is unwilling to put in work and make sacrafices at this point, I'm gone. If she says "Ok, ok ok lets try this" and then in a month we are back at square 1, I'm gone.
Who knows. I sure don't. I'll let you guys know what happens when we talk tomorrow night.
I am going to take the advice from this - not to walk away, but to make it clear she either needs to commit and try at this with me or I am not interested any more. I don't want to be a doormat or a just-in-case, I want to be in a healthy, positive relationship be it with her or someone else in the future.
If you are lucky, she will dump you even harder than she already has. This relationship sounds terrible. Get out while you still can.
Just for the record - I dumped her. She has just never commited to wanting to be back in it with me.
What I dont understand is how you guys think anything ever gets worked out. Do you live in a world of perfect relationships where no one ever has problems? Have you guys found the love of your life and everything just clicks?
I have been told and taught that a relationship takes work and sacrafice. If she doesn't want to change and is unwilling to put in work and make sacrafices at this point, I'm gone. If she says "Ok, ok ok lets try this" and then in a month we are back at square 1, I'm gone.
Who knows. I sure don't. I'll let you guys know what happens when we talk tomorrow night.
No but most of us are in healthy relationships without severe insecurity and control issues. And we get out of relationships that clearly are not working. Also, a relationship requires two people (or sometimes more but that doesn't apply here) who want to be in a relationship with each other. She's told you she doesn't want to be committed to you and isn't your girlfriend. She couldn't be much clearer but you're in complete denial about this.
And let's be frank, you're not just in denial, you're obsessed with this relationship (even though she doesn't see this as one). You say in a month if it doesn't work you'll end it, but we know what will more likely happen. Another H&A thread about how things aren't working, but she's the love of your life and you want to make it work, blah, blah, blah. You're getting good advice, it's just not what you want to hear.
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
What I dont understand is how you guys think anything ever gets worked out. Do you live in a world of perfect relationships where no one ever has problems? Have you guys found the love of your life and everything just clicks?
I have been told and taught that a relationship takes work and sacrafice. If she doesn't want to change and is unwilling to put in work and make sacrafices at this point, I'm gone. If she says "Ok, ok ok lets try this" and then in a month we are back at square 1, I'm gone.
Who knows. I sure don't. I'll let you guys know what happens when we talk tomorrow night.
All relationships have problems, but what you're describing is a co-dependant cycle of self destruction. There's nothing to work out, here, she wants you to stop looking at other women while she goes out and does whatever she wants. You're desperately clinging to this like this is either the last woman you're ever going to meet or you just don't deserve anything better than to be treated like a second class human being.
But even then, why can't you listen to your self? You've stated repeatedly what you want out of this relationship and repeatedly you've stated that this woman isn't going to give it to you. Instead of moving on, you're trying to change her, just like she's trying to change you. Just because what you want is less disgusting doesn't make it less wrong. Once again, you can't change people, you can only go into a relationship with your own wants and needs and move on if those wants and needs aren't being met.
If she were here asking for advice, she would say the same thing: "I want him to stop looking at other women. I think it's okay to talk to guys if certain arbitrary criteria are met. I want a guy who'll break off contact with his female friends." It's what she wants and you can't change that, and that is why everyone is telling you to move on.
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NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
A good healthy relationship relies on trust and communication.
You have to trust in each other to do the right thing, regardless of circumstances. You have to trust that you'll be honest with each other. And you have to have the communication skills to work through those times when maybe your trust is a little shaky, or when you're making major life decisions.
Right now you don't have either of those things, and you absolutely deserve both of them.
Find someone who is willing to trust you and communicate freely with you, and don't be shy about bringing up tough issues that force you to improve your discussions - it's how you learn about your partner and discover whether or not the partnership is something that will last.
A good healthy relationship relies on trust and communication.
You have to trust in each other to do the right thing, regardless of circumstances. You have to trust that you'll be honest with each other. And you have to have the communication skills to work through those times when maybe your trust is a little shaky, or when you're making major life decisions.
Right now you don't have either of those things, and you absolutely deserve both of them.
Find someone who is willing to trust you and communicate freely with you, and don't be shy about bringing up tough issues that force you to improve your discussions - it's how you learn about your partner and discover whether or not the partnership is something that will last.
Exactly. Trust isn't just something that's one way and you're putting this girl up on a pedestal and making excuses for her terrible treatment of you Diogee. There's a huge difference between all relationships having some problems that the couple works through together, and what you're describing about your "relationship".
Usagi and I are in a relationship, we've certainly had issues we've needed to work out. But the key is that we BOTH see this as a partnership and we BOTH communicate very well with each other and we BOTH are working toward being on the same coast.
None of that is happening in your situation. You are simply being manipulated, and you should seriously consider counseling (solo, not with her) to help with this apparent dependent personality you seem to have (no I'm not making a clinical diagnosis, it's a guess based on what you've told us).
Posts
If you relate to ANY of it, you have problems ok?
From your last thread, it sounds like you ignored the advice, so probably will again.
Relationships take work on both parties, but they should be a net positive for both, not only one.
It was very difficult to walk away from her even after the last thread. I really felt like I owed her a chance.
I am going to take the advice from this - not to walk away, but to make it clear she either needs to commit and try at this with me or I am not interested any more. I don't want to be a doormat or a just-in-case, I want to be in a healthy, positive relationship be it with her or someone else in the future.
Then it's going to be a case of her slowly pushing back until the status quo is achieved.
You can't insist that people change when that isn't what they want out of a relationship. You can only control yourself, and you have to ask yourself, "Is this what I want in a relationship?" and if it's not, all you can do is say, "This isn't what I want."
Judging by the previous pages, and this thread, that's just going to delay the inevitable.
You'll sit her down and give her the ultimatum. She will either flutter her eyelashes and promise change (but it won't happen - it's a temporary measure to keep the whacky non-status-quo you two have in check). If that doesn't happen, she'll straight up refuse to comply. Sadly, this one's on you and if this happens, you should walk.
You've fought for this enough man, it's not going to get you anywhere. Cut out the middle man, cut your losses and find someone who doesn't treat you like this.
If you are lucky, she will dump you even harder than she already has. This relationship sounds terrible. Get out while you still can.
I have been told and taught that a relationship takes work and sacrafice. If she doesn't want to change and is unwilling to put in work and make sacrafices at this point, I'm gone. If she says "Ok, ok ok lets try this" and then in a month we are back at square 1, I'm gone.
Who knows. I sure don't. I'll let you guys know what happens when we talk tomorrow night.
Just for the record - I dumped her. She has just never commited to wanting to be back in it with me.
No but most of us are in healthy relationships without severe insecurity and control issues. And we get out of relationships that clearly are not working. Also, a relationship requires two people (or sometimes more but that doesn't apply here) who want to be in a relationship with each other. She's told you she doesn't want to be committed to you and isn't your girlfriend. She couldn't be much clearer but you're in complete denial about this.
And let's be frank, you're not just in denial, you're obsessed with this relationship (even though she doesn't see this as one). You say in a month if it doesn't work you'll end it, but we know what will more likely happen. Another H&A thread about how things aren't working, but she's the love of your life and you want to make it work, blah, blah, blah. You're getting good advice, it's just not what you want to hear.
All relationships have problems, but what you're describing is a co-dependant cycle of self destruction. There's nothing to work out, here, she wants you to stop looking at other women while she goes out and does whatever she wants. You're desperately clinging to this like this is either the last woman you're ever going to meet or you just don't deserve anything better than to be treated like a second class human being.
But even then, why can't you listen to your self? You've stated repeatedly what you want out of this relationship and repeatedly you've stated that this woman isn't going to give it to you. Instead of moving on, you're trying to change her, just like she's trying to change you. Just because what you want is less disgusting doesn't make it less wrong. Once again, you can't change people, you can only go into a relationship with your own wants and needs and move on if those wants and needs aren't being met.
If she were here asking for advice, she would say the same thing: "I want him to stop looking at other women. I think it's okay to talk to guys if certain arbitrary criteria are met. I want a guy who'll break off contact with his female friends." It's what she wants and you can't change that, and that is why everyone is telling you to move on.
BOTH of you.
I believe she's done this already.
You have to trust in each other to do the right thing, regardless of circumstances. You have to trust that you'll be honest with each other. And you have to have the communication skills to work through those times when maybe your trust is a little shaky, or when you're making major life decisions.
Right now you don't have either of those things, and you absolutely deserve both of them.
Find someone who is willing to trust you and communicate freely with you, and don't be shy about bringing up tough issues that force you to improve your discussions - it's how you learn about your partner and discover whether or not the partnership is something that will last.
So you dumped her, she dumped you, but you still want to be with her? The human heart makes no sense sometimes.
Exactly. Trust isn't just something that's one way and you're putting this girl up on a pedestal and making excuses for her terrible treatment of you Diogee. There's a huge difference between all relationships having some problems that the couple works through together, and what you're describing about your "relationship".
Usagi and I are in a relationship, we've certainly had issues we've needed to work out. But the key is that we BOTH see this as a partnership and we BOTH communicate very well with each other and we BOTH are working toward being on the same coast.
None of that is happening in your situation. You are simply being manipulated, and you should seriously consider counseling (solo, not with her) to help with this apparent dependent personality you seem to have (no I'm not making a clinical diagnosis, it's a guess based on what you've told us).