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How much space should I give her?

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Posts

  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    Evander wrote: »
    I sent her a text message (because she might still be at work) around 5, saying essentially "Hey, I don't know if you are still free tonight, but would you like to get together and grab some coffee some time before ths weekend?"

    My plan is to try calling around 7 (which is when I get out of my class) as well, if she doesn't respond by then, and just leave it at that (no voicemail if she doesn't answer, let her choose whether to call me back or just ignore it.)


    For future reference, I'll relay one of the hard lessons I learned dating in college. Don't text to make plans, just call the girl. I wouldn't call back tonight either, I'd leave the text as is, and try again maybe tomorrow, if you call at 7 you're going to come off needy.

    the reason for calling at 7 is that she lives about 30 minutes north of campus, I live about 30 minutes south, so calling her before I leave, rather than after I get home, makes MUCH more sense.

    georgersig.jpg
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    Evander wrote: »
    I sent her a text message (because she might still be at work) around 5, saying essentially "Hey, I don't know if you are still free tonight, but would you like to get together and grab some coffee some time before ths weekend?"

    My plan is to try calling around 7 (which is when I get out of my class) as well, if she doesn't respond by then, and just leave it at that (no voicemail if she doesn't answer, let her choose whether to call me back or just ignore it.)


    For future reference, I'll relay one of the hard lessons I learned dating in college. Don't text to make plans, just call the girl. I wouldn't call back tonight either, I'd leave the text as is, and try again maybe tomorrow, if you call at 7 you're going to come off needy.

    the reason for calling at 7 is that she lives about 30 minutes north of campus, I live about 30 minutes south, so calling her before I leave, rather than after I get home, makes MUCH more sense.

    Sorry, I should have been more clear, I meant that instead of sending an initial text, you should have just called to begin with. Found a time to do it in between classes or something. That's my other issue with this whole thing though, is that throughout this entire thread, you seem to be making all sorts of excuses for both her and yourself. Ultimately if you want a to pursue a relationship your going to have to stop doing both.

  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    That's my other issue with this whole thing though, is that throughout this entire thread, you seem to be making all sorts of excuses for both her and yourself. Ultimately if you want a to pursue a relationship your going to have to stop doing both.

    How do you mean?

    georgersig.jpg
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    That's my other issue with this whole thing though, is that throughout this entire thread, you seem to be making all sorts of excuses for both her and yourself. Ultimately if you want a to pursue a relationship your going to have to stop doing both.

    How do you mean?

    Well, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but look back at the thread, every time someone brings up a criticism, you have an excuse ready to go, and the way you lay out the background for this issue, it seems like you think it all to be your fault, and that you need to give her all the space she needs, and let her figure out what she wants to do. Well sorry, but fuck that, you deserve some happiness too, and not just the happiness from getting to hang out with her, but some more pro-activeness from her end of things too. I could be wrong, but it strikes me that you have her up on a pedestal, and women don't want that far as I can tell.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Spending too much money eating out. That's about it. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    I sent her a text message (because she might still be at work) around 5, saying essentially "Hey, I don't know if you are still free tonight, but would you like to get together and grab some coffee some time before ths weekend?"

    My plan is to try calling around 7 (which is when I get out of my class) as well, if she doesn't respond by then, and just leave it at that (no voicemail if she doesn't answer, let her choose whether to call me back or just ignore it.)

    You already attempted contact once, which should have been via voice, but too late now. If you call again, you're reeking of desperation. I'm not telling you to play games, but she knows you've attempted contact, you don't need to hammer it in.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    So I guess you have 2 options:

    1) Let her decide and risk her cooling off and deciding it's not worth it.

    2) Go for the big gesture and try to convince her that it is worth it and risk scaring her away by crowding her too much.

    Honestly I'm reluctant to suggest either course of action based just on the information presented. You need to decide which of these two options is better based on how into the relationship you think she is. If you think she wants you to convince her then convince her, but if you think she legitimately wants time then give her time.

    A caveat I would add though: if convincing her doesn't work then waiting probably wasn't going to work either. But depending on how often you see eachother you should wait at least a couple of "date periods" before you try to convince her.

    Don't put a letter on her desk, that is way tacky. Just send an email.

    EDIT: Upon reading the rest of thread, it sounds like what you are doing is fine.

    OooOOOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOoOoOOoOOoOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Alright, so here is where specifics get complicated, and I could really use some help.

    I know for a fact that she is busy this weekend. She is going to visit her mother. Originally I was supposed to be coming with. Last we talked, I am not.

    Next week is Passover. Going out to dinner during Passover is basically impossible. (she is also Jewish. If she weren't, I'd just say fuck Passover for the sake of this.)

    I know that, as of two days ago, she had no plans for tonight.



    So, should I invite her out tonight? It feels like I'm not giving her enough time.

    Should I try to get reinvited for this weekend? It feels like I am putting too much pressure on her (we've done road trips before, but it's still not the same as a night out.)

    Should I wait two weeks before asking her to dinner? It feels like I'm giving her too much time, and maybe even making it look like I'm not interested anymore.



    I think you guys are right, I just don't want to go about it the wrong way.


    Upon reading THIS: I would just write it off for the rest of the week. She seems to not want to see you right now, whether this is permanent or temporary I have no idea.

    OooOOOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOoOoOOoOOoOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
  • LucidLucid Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    If it's only been a week of plans cancelling, I wouldn't do anything yet. After 2 or 3 weeks then yeah, you should talk to her. You don't need to be as forceful as some people are suggesting, but asking her 'are we cool, what's going on?' or something like that would be fine.

    Many women don't like it when a guy seems to need to be around them a lot, especially early on in a relationship. So if you seem like it's imperative you need to be around her right now, it may push her away more.

    No museum needs another upside-down toilet bowl once it has one.
  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Lucid wrote: »
    If it's only been a week of plans cancelling, I wouldn't do anything yet. After 2 or 3 weeks then yeah, you should talk to her. You don't need to be as forceful as some people are suggesting, but asking her 'are we cool, what's going on?' or something like that would be fine.

    Many women don't like it when a guy seems to need to be around them a lot, especially early on in a relationship. So if you seem like it's imperative you need to be around her right now, it may push her away more.

    As I stated in the OP, I already asked "are we cool", and was told "not quite".

    I a not sitting around wondering what is wrong. I am sitting around wondering what to do about it.



    Anyway, update time. She got back to me around 7:20 (turns out she had been sleeping) and said that she didn't feel well enough to do anything tonight, but suggested lunch or an early dinner tomorrow. I wasn't really a fan of either or those, because both would have hard "out" times where she had to be somewhere for work (which could interfere with a conversation in progress) so I told her that I would prefer a later dinner, after her work obligations were over. She told me it sounded good, and she will see how she feels.

    So, I will see how it goes, I guess.Even if she isn't feeling well tomorrow night, there's really no way she can blow me off completely, without making it clear that she just doesn't want to do anything (since I will be coming up to campus specifically to rendevous), so I at least have that particular litmus test going for me.

    georgersig.jpg
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Spending too much money eating out. That's about it. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Lucid wrote: »
    If it's only been a week of plans cancelling, I wouldn't do anything yet. After 2 or 3 weeks then yeah, you should talk to her. You don't need to be as forceful as some people are suggesting, but asking her 'are we cool, what's going on?' or something like that would be fine.

    Many women don't like it when a guy seems to need to be around them a lot, especially early on in a relationship. So if you seem like it's imperative you need to be around her right now, it may push her away more.

    As I stated in the OP, I already asked "are we cool", and was told "not quite".

    I a not sitting around wondering what is wrong. I am sitting around wondering what to do about it.



    Anyway, update time. She got back to me around 7:20 (turns out she had been sleeping) and said that she didn't feel well enough to do anything tonight, but suggested lunch or an early dinner tomorrow. I wasn't really a fan of either or those, because both would have hard "out" times where she had to be somewhere for work (which could interfere with a conversation in progress) so I told her that I would prefer a later dinner, after her work obligations were over. She told me it sounded good, and she will see how she feels.

    So, I will see how it goes, I guess.Even if she isn't feeling well tomorrow night, there's really no way she can blow me off completely, without making it clear that she just doesn't want to do anything (since I will be coming up to campus specifically to rendevous), so I at least have that particular litmus test going for me.

    She isn't feeling well and you want to have a serious discussion with her? Not a great idea. In fact, it's a pretty terrible idea. You should've taken the early lunch, let her leave on a good note, then when she gets back you sit her down.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Esh wrote: »
    Evander wrote: »
    Lucid wrote: »
    If it's only been a week of plans cancelling, I wouldn't do anything yet. After 2 or 3 weeks then yeah, you should talk to her. You don't need to be as forceful as some people are suggesting, but asking her 'are we cool, what's going on?' or something like that would be fine.

    Many women don't like it when a guy seems to need to be around them a lot, especially early on in a relationship. So if you seem like it's imperative you need to be around her right now, it may push her away more.

    As I stated in the OP, I already asked "are we cool", and was told "not quite".

    I a not sitting around wondering what is wrong. I am sitting around wondering what to do about it.



    Anyway, update time. She got back to me around 7:20 (turns out she had been sleeping) and said that she didn't feel well enough to do anything tonight, but suggested lunch or an early dinner tomorrow. I wasn't really a fan of either or those, because both would have hard "out" times where she had to be somewhere for work (which could interfere with a conversation in progress) so I told her that I would prefer a later dinner, after her work obligations were over. She told me it sounded good, and she will see how she feels.

    So, I will see how it goes, I guess.Even if she isn't feeling well tomorrow night, there's really no way she can blow me off completely, without making it clear that she just doesn't want to do anything (since I will be coming up to campus specifically to rendevous), so I at least have that particular litmus test going for me.

    She isn't feeling well and you want to have a serious discussion with her? Not a great idea. In fact, it's a pretty terrible idea. You should've taken the early lunch, let her leave on a good note, then when she gets back you sit her down.

    Obviously if she isn't feeling well I'm not going to be throwing heavy topics at her. On the other hand, she has a one o'clock meeting, and I have no classes tomorrow, so me rushing up to campus early in the morning for lunch would be absurd, and honestly come off as much more needy than anything else, in my mind.

    Usually, when she isn't feeling well but we had plans, I go up to her place, and we just cuddle and watch a movie. The concept of her seeing me while not feeling well is not alien within our relationship. Hell, she's already given me whatever bug is currently working its way out of her system.

    Even if I don't get a chance to really talk about all of this with her, I think it's important that her most recent impression of me no longer be me as a student. All this week, the last time she saw me, I was "one of her students". Swapping that with "her boyfriend taking her to that Italian restaurant he had been talking about" is a pretty big plus, in my mind.

    georgersig.jpg
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Spending too much money eating out. That's about it. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    Evander wrote: »
    Lucid wrote: »
    If it's only been a week of plans cancelling, I wouldn't do anything yet. After 2 or 3 weeks then yeah, you should talk to her. You don't need to be as forceful as some people are suggesting, but asking her 'are we cool, what's going on?' or something like that would be fine.

    Many women don't like it when a guy seems to need to be around them a lot, especially early on in a relationship. So if you seem like it's imperative you need to be around her right now, it may push her away more.

    As I stated in the OP, I already asked "are we cool", and was told "not quite".

    I a not sitting around wondering what is wrong. I am sitting around wondering what to do about it.



    Anyway, update time. She got back to me around 7:20 (turns out she had been sleeping) and said that she didn't feel well enough to do anything tonight, but suggested lunch or an early dinner tomorrow. I wasn't really a fan of either or those, because both would have hard "out" times where she had to be somewhere for work (which could interfere with a conversation in progress) so I told her that I would prefer a later dinner, after her work obligations were over. She told me it sounded good, and she will see how she feels.

    So, I will see how it goes, I guess.Even if she isn't feeling well tomorrow night, there's really no way she can blow me off completely, without making it clear that she just doesn't want to do anything (since I will be coming up to campus specifically to rendevous), so I at least have that particular litmus test going for me.

    She isn't feeling well and you want to have a serious discussion with her? Not a great idea. In fact, it's a pretty terrible idea. You should've taken the early lunch, let her leave on a good note, then when she gets back you sit her down.

    Obviously if she isn't feeling well I'm not going to be throwing heavy topics at her. On the other hand, she has a one o'clock meeting, and I have no classes tomorrow, so me rushing up to campus early in the morning for lunch would be absurd, and honestly come off as much more needy than anything else, in my mind.

    Usually, when she isn't feeling well but we had plans, I go up to her place, and we just cuddle and watch a movie. The concept of her seeing me while not feeling well is not alien within our relationship. Hell, she's already given me whatever bug is currently working its way out of her system.

    Even if I don't get a chance to really talk about all of this with her, I think it's important that her most recent impression of me no longer be me as a student. All this week, the last time she saw me, I was "one of her students". Swapping that with "her boyfriend taking her to that Italian restaurant he had been talking about" is a pretty big plus, in my mind.

    How is it "needy" when she suggested it? You forcing her to your idea of what should work is more needy than anything. Especially when she's feeling unwell. As well you seem to be planning on talking to her about something pertaining to her feelings or else you wouldn't be concerned about an out time. Be careful or this is all just going to blow up in your face. She said she needs space, give it to her. If you love someone, set them free and all that jazz.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    something as an aside:

    every single student/teacher relationship i have ever had discussed boiled down to 1 thing

    is there any sort of situation with the student/teacher that could result in an opportunity to exert power over the other

    and this lady is your teacher, so you both have the edge. EVERY single HR guy and mediator and everything i have ever been talked to about this, whether it be lectures, classroom discussion, or even the few personal 1 on 1 things i've done ALL say that if this lady is your teacher, they can and will try to fire her if they find out what's going on

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Raneados wrote: »
    and this lady is your teacher

    no, she isn't

    she is a staff member of a non-university organization that functions off of campus, and serves a specific need of a portion of the student body.

    an organization which my friend is a board member of, and before we began dating, he checked for me to be sure that there was no policy against our relationship.

    georgersig.jpg
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    I think you are doing fine.

    Esh you need to tone down the hostility a bit bro.

    OooOOOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOoOoOOoOOoOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    I think you are doing fine.

    Esh you need to tone down the hostility a bit bro.

    This should be in a sticky

    steam_sig.png
  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Evander wrote: »
    Raneados wrote: »
    and this lady is your teacher

    no, she isn't

    she is a staff member of a non-university organization that functions off of campus, and serves a specific need of a portion of the student body.

    an organization which my friend is a board member of, and before we began dating, he checked for me to be sure that there was no policy against our relationship.

    aha!

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Yeah, but Esh is making sense, I wouldn't plan a dinner just so I could force the issue with a girl I'm seeing about why she's being so distant, because yeah, the odds of it blowing up in my face are high. (In fact full disclosure, I've done this very thing and it did in fact go totally wrong.) I would just go to dinner and focus on having fun, because nobody likes to spend their friday night having a dreaded relationship talk, unless you really do want to scare her off anyway. 1 year in and your girl or fella is giving you the cold shoulder, sure, go for it, but not at only 3 months.

    I'm starting to think that either you've been sent back to the courting phase by her, or you were never really dating in the first place Evander, I would just try to plan some fun things to reignite the spark; make her not care about the fact that you're a student, and calling her all the time wanting to have talks about this or that serious business, and so on.

  • histronichistronic Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Esh is the only one who has been giving real advice other than "You can do it man don't give up!"

    OP: I'm really confused as to what her actual job is because if she isn't a teacher or even employed by the actual university that you go to, I completely fail to see where she would have an issue with dating you. There are no ethical implications if she isn't giving you a grade or hell even a recommendation to a grad school or something, so the only thing I can think of, and I'm sorry because you might not want to hear this, but it sounds like she is just looking for a way to break up with you and is using this as a lame silly goose excuse. Girls are notorious for this, trust me it happens to all of us. My advice is if she wants space, you give her space, and sometimes girls freak out and decide they didn't want space, and sometimes you find out they're just whores. Either way, best of luck to you.

    WiiU Friend Code: rlinkmanl
    PSN: rlinkmanl
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 a.k.a. Nubmonger/Antaeus#1352, 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion Oakland, CARegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Well let's see what happens during dinner...

    Can't say I see this going well, unfortunately. =(

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    she cancelled dinner, so yeah, i'm done being proactive

    this thread can be closed. the whole thing isn't over yet, but I'm no longer worried about what to do. it's all up to her now

    georgersig.jpg
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 a.k.a. Nubmonger/Antaeus#1352, 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion Oakland, CARegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    1. Don't initiate communication
    2. If she initiates communication, respond but don't pursue conversation (i.e., let her drive the discussion, don't feel the need to draw things out, feel comfortable letting the discussion "die off")
    3. Don't initiate communication
    4. After at least two weeks, if you still want to pursue things, tell her you would like to pick things back up
    5. If she says no or flakes or continues to make the situation ambiguous, then just let it go, man


    PS - The above probably should've been the initial gameplan. =(


    Honestly, it does seem like she's just confused. Sometimes you can't unconfuse other people. They just have to figure stuff out on their own. Or maybe she's not confused and just wants to ends things but isn't mature/strong enough to do it directly. Either way, functionally the result is the same - you are being left hanging out to dry in emotional limbo. Just take care of yourself and try to move on. If she wants to pick up and try again, she'll let you know.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    That sucks maen. Bitches is crazy!

    OooOOOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOoOoOOoOOoOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
  • EvanderEvander Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Oh, don't start attacking her. She is a good person, just a little freaked out by circumstance. Maybe she isn't treating me right, but she's operating rationally (just from what is, in my opinion, a faulty premise.)

    The big irony is that if I weren't a 25 year old undergrad, we'd never have met in the first place.

    georgersig.jpg
  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Well that sucks Evander, I hope she figures it out and realizes that you're a good guy and really care about her. Good luck!

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Spending too much money eating out. That's about it. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Usagi wrote: »
    Well that sucks Evander, I hope she figures it out and realizes that you're a good guy and really care about her. Good luck!

    And sometimes people just aren't compatible. Just because one person really is nice to another doesn't mean it's meant to be. Sometimes we just have to let go of things.

    And sorry that things went the way they did, Evander. Just pick yourself up and get back out there. You'll find someone else soon enough.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
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