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I don't know if you noticed (you didn't) but I have been gone for the past almost four days.
Well, it is because I was up in Forbestown, California, which is about as rural and buttfucky as you can get in California.
They got metheads, crack babies, and there was even a guy next door to my uncle's house in super short cutoff denim shorts with willy nelson locks having his own personal one man ecstasy fueled rave.
Now, normally, I consider my Uncle's house a safe haven from all this insanity.
However, on this particular thanksgiving getaway, I got hit with the brown eye of the storm.
Let's go to thanksgiving day.
I have a cousin, who we'll call Ally because that's her name.
Ally is your typical fourteen year old "emo" girl, who writes stupid poetry and listens to stupid music and has stupid friends and has her room painted black with posters of My Chemical Romance up on her walls.
Now, despite all this, Ally is pretty fun to hang out with, and we've been close since we were very young.
However, Ally's parents, my aunt and uncle, are pretty liberal and uncaring and allow profuse alcohol consumption by all.
I tend not to drink at these gatherings because I don't trust those meth'd up hillbillies not to break in and start shit.
Ally does not follow this particular stigma.
Ally gets pissdrunk and when everyone goes to bed, begins to hit on me.
You may be asking yourself "Swordfights, did you remember to bring your condoms" to which I say, shut up let me finish my story.
So Ally is hitting on me, trying to take off my pants, saying things akin to "I hate you, because you're illegal" and "Is it bad that I wanna kiss you", and when I kissed her on the forehead to shut her up she replied with "No, not like that"
So I'm about ready to let her collapse onto the floor and pass out for the night when she does collapse, but instead of passing out, she proceeds to claw at herself saying "I CAN FEEL IT I CAN FEEL HIM HITTING ME HE'S KICKING ME OH GOD" and so I have to restrain her because she is breaking the skin.
She proceeds to claw me
A couple times during this episode she passes out and stops breathing, so I slap and shake her awake until she regains consciousness and breathes.
I can't leave the girl alone because there is a very high probability she will choke on her own vomit and die.
So as I'm sitting there thinking "God damnit why didn't I go to sleep two hours ago", I see a family friend we invited along walk by.
I go grab her, and we take her into the bathroom, induce vomiting, and I wake up her parents and tell them what happened and get my sleepy ass to bed.
Fun Thanksgiving, right?
anyway Faynor and I were talking about our families and started talking about small towns and stuff and how scary they are and it prompted me to look up Forbestown. I now present you with their official website (pay close attention to the URL):