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Even Robots Cry, Sometimes...

_J__J_ PedantRegistered User regular
edited April 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So, guess what I found out today. Well, I shall tell you what I found out today.

K and I started dating on December 28th. Apparently, as I learned today, K has been dating another guy in the department, B, since September. So, given the way time works, K has been dating both me and B, unbeknownst to either B or myself, since late December.

So, you may ask, how did I come to learn this information. Well, it is quite a story.

So, Friday, K and I went out to the bar together with people from the department. My understanding was that she and I would go to the bar and then come back to my apartment afterwards. When I approached her to ask if she was ready to go she said she was not coming over, so I left. Once I left people asked her if she and I were dating, given how I reacted to her refusing to come with me. She denied that we were dating. One of my friends let me know of this, and I was upset. After talking to K about this over the weekend, she denied that she had denied me. So, I decided to start asking other people who were there what they remember happening.

This afternoon I asked one person, who was there Friday and who happened to be in the department, if K had denied that she and I were dating to which the person replied, "Well, yeah, because she has been dating B." This is the point at which my inquiry became quite interesting. For, you see, I am not B. And, in fact, am someone other than B who K was, until this afternoon, dating.

At this point I came to understand that there may be a problem, given that K and I were dating, but, according to this person, K was dating another guy. So, after talking to this provider of information for a bit, I came to realize that I needed more information. K was also in the department this afternoon, so I asked her if I could talk to her. I asked her if she was dating B to which she replied that she was not.

So, now, I had two hypothesis. 1) K is dating only me, and the person to whom I talked was lying. 2) K is dating both me and B, and K is lying. So, either K or the person to whom I was talking was lying.

Which meant I needed more information.

So, I contact another friend of K's in whom K confides quite a bit. This individual informed me that they did not know if K was dating anyone, as K keeps to herself, but the person was quite upset that K would not have told them. So, this person decided to ask K.

Now, as we have quite the cast of characters at this point, let us denote some names onto them for ease of further articulation.

me = me, your narrator.
K = A woman who cheated on me
B = A guy who, presumably, is in the same position as I am, now.
Player A = the person to whom I first talked who told me K was dating B.
Player C = the person who told me they did not know if K was dating B.
Mr. Teal = A very nice finch who enjoys the writings of Horace.

So, I stop talking to Player C, while Player C talks to K. K, apparently, denied everything. Player C then talks to Player A, which is where our plan comes together, and they both come to realize, given their mutual understanding of K, B, and myself, that K has been, in fact, dating both B and myself.

Both Player A and Player C then inform me of this information, at which point I die on the inside.

In the interest of full disclosure I ought to point out that Player C knew that K was dating B, but when I called Player C did not know what to say, or if I was lying, so they simply replied that they did not know if K was dating anyone and, when talking to me later, told me the full story and explained why they did not tell me in the first place. I think their actions justified, as they were trying to protect K, who, until this afternoon, was their friend.

So, that is where I am right now. Here are a few enticing tidbits to add to the spice of this narrative:

-K has met my parents
-K approached me, on December 28th, and informed me that she wanted to be my girlfriend
-K met some of my friends, under the guise of being my girlfriend
-K had previously said, "If you were to propose to me, I would say yes."
-K and I had previously talked about moving in together, living together, etc.
-K has told me multiple times during our relationship that she loves me, cares about me, and wants to be with me.

Which, at the moment, leaves me at a loss as to explain why this happened or why she would have done this.

I think the first sign that this was a problem was that she wanted to keep the relationship a secret. At the time, her explanation was that by keeping the relationship a secret no drama would result. Well, turns out that theory got shot all to hell today. At the time, though, I honestly wanted to believe her. Which I guess makes me the fool.

I am at a loss, at the moment, for what to do. Here I was with this girl, who I thought I would be with for quite some time, and it turns out that throughout the entire duration of our relationship she was dating someone else, being with someone else, sleeping with someone else, and lying to a whole wealth of people.

I recognize that there are people I can trust, and that K was not one of those people. But that she could do this for three months...that she could come to my home, meet my parents, meet my friends, and do all of the things we did together while she was dating another guy...I do not know how she could have done this.

K has since de-friended most of these people on Facebook, which is totally a big deal like for sure, and I do feel bad for her loss of friends and their having lost K as a friend. And, honestly, this whole adventure this afternoon was not my trying to make K out to be bad, or to destroy her friendships, or to cause drama or anything. I simply wanted to know the truth.

And, having discerned the truth, I have a new appreciation for the CIA Credo:

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."




Since, this is Help / Advice my question is this: How do I explain why K would have done this? She was dating B since September…but while she was dating him she started dating me, met my parents, the whole thing. Things, recently, had gotten troublesome and she was acting strange…but since she had been cheating on me THE ENTIRE TIME why would she just now start to feel bad about it?

That is the part, at the moment, which consternates me. What could her end-game have been? What did she think was going to happen? She acted as if she liked me and cared…but now…she just used me for three months while she was dating someone else…

I do not know what to make of this. Any ideas anyone has would be appreciated.

I think I died inside.

_J_ on
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Posts

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    This is not a stable healthy rational person and trying to understand her motivation, if any, would serve no purpose. It would be a fruitless endeavour that only confused you more. There is no logic in her actions, accept it, hurt, and move on.
    I am sorry random Internet person, but some people are seriously like this.

    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    You don't explain why she did it. Sometimes people are just horrible human beings.

    You just have to accept that she did something horrible to you, deal with the pain, and move on. Looking for explanations for why she did it is fruitless; there is never going to be an explanation that makes it all make sense for you.

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Six pack on a dick Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    To be, as your title states, a pedant here, technically K was cheating on B with you not the other way around, as she started dating you second. Not that it makes it any better, of course.

    As for her motives? Who knows. Maybe she was going through a rough spot with B and thought it was going to end. Maybe she thought she could have her cake and eat it too and date two guys. Maybe she met you and fell for you and fully intended to be just with you but either couldn't or wouldn't break it off with B.

    In any case, dwelling on it, obsessing over it, trying to analyze it and look for meaning, all of these will only make you feel worse. Even if you got her to sit down with you and explain absolutely everything in excruciating detail, my guess is she still couldn't give you a "why" that would make you feel any better or the pain go away. She hurt you, and it's going to hurt for a while, and no explanation is going to make it any better.

    h1DI1.jpg
    All my fuckin life I lived a normal fuckin life
  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Improvolone's basically got it. This is a girl with emotional or psychological issues. What she did may've made perfect sense to her, but is completely unexplainable to anyone else. It's time for the break-up stuff: spend a lot of time with your friends, find a new hobby, start going to the gym, and drink (but not to excess).

    twitter, github, resume/portfolio, if you like to play or host boardgames online, check out handtracker
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    To be, as your title states, a pedant here, technically K was cheating on B with you not the other way around, as she started dating you second. Not that it makes it any better, of course.

    As for her motives? Who knows. Maybe she was going through a rough spot with B and thought it was going to end. Maybe she thought she could have her cake and eat it too and date two guys. Maybe she met you and fell for you and fully intended to be just with you but either couldn't or wouldn't break it off with B.

    In any case, dwelling on it, obsessing over it, trying to analyze it and look for meaning, all of these will only make you feel worse. Even if you got her to sit down with you and explain absolutely everything in excruciating detail, my guess is she still couldn't give you a "why" that would make you feel any better or the pain go away. She hurt you, and it's going to hurt for a while, and no explanation is going to make it any better.

    Technically she was cheating on both of them. There's no such thing as "first" and "second" here, especially as _J_ didn't know. But I'd say that's a wholly irrelevant tangent.

    steam_sig.png
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Human nature being what it is, I can understand why you would want to know why she did what she did. Her explanation will probably be wholly unsatisfactory or wholly fabricated, but I would probably still want to know too. And we can hypothesize as Matt did and come up with any number of possible explanations. But we don't know.

    So all you can do is ask her. She will probably lie to you though.

    OooOOOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOoOoOOoOOoOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo
  • b0bd0db0bd0d Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I would disappear for a few days. Not really use the phone, facebook, etc. Just kinda get some quiet time and think about things. Don't call her or anything like that. No 2am phone call crying about how could she do this to you.

    Then go get drunk at some bar with one or two good friends. i mean drunk. And i mean good friends. the type that don't mind you bitching for a few hours about some bitch that played you. no drunk phone call to her either. Be a man about this whole situation. Go have some drinks, think about things, stare at all the fine looking women dressed up sexy, and just relax.

    There is no why. She has reasons but you ain't gonna figure em out. I've dated multiple women before but I never took it to a serious level. Once it started getting serious, I usually stopped talking to them. I never really wanted anything nor cared and just wanted to have a good time. I've talked to women that have had multiple men. They just don't care and just want to enjoy themselves. They also have fucked up issues with themselves, their feelings, how they view men, how they deal with relationships, self-esteem issues, all types of fucked up things. People are complex, fucked up women more so.

    I mean, I understand wanting to figure it out. If you can make it make sense, you'll be able to understand it and deal with it. Maybe you could fix it! (Don't be an idiot) Perhaps the situation just got outta control and before she knew it...she was kinda in a really fucked up situation. Still, it doesn't matter. Just act and react. don't get all deep thoughts about it. Just realize what happened, understand how it affected you and what you can learn from it, and move on. Maybe she's just a dumb hooker that has issues with herself and those issues are reflected in her relationships.

    Damnit, now I'm starting to think about it and try and figure it out. Crap. Leave the situation alone for awhile until your feelings calm down. Don't initiate contact with her. At all. If you really want, you can email her or something in a few weeks/months when you have a clear head and ask why/what happened. Do not try and get back with her.

    And you only dated her for three months? It's not that serious. I mean, it sucks that you were getting your mindset into long-term relationship but better now then in 2 years. I never believed it until I got a lot more experience, but here's some wisdom from some old school men: "Women are like buses, if you miss one there's another one in thirty minutes." It may not be the bus that you want, it might not smell so good or ride so nice, but it will get you where you need to be. Don't get so hung up on this one that you miss the next one. Those last two sentences are my take on the situation.

    Also, GO GET TESTED.
    I doubt you have anything but it's always a good idea. Getting tested tomorrow myself.

  • GammarahGammarah Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    In any case, dwelling on it, obsessing over it, trying to analyze it and look for meaning, all of these will only make you feel worse. Even if you got her to sit down with you and explain absolutely everything in excruciating detail, my guess is she still couldn't give you a "why" that would make you feel any better or the pain go away. She hurt you, and it's going to hurt for a while, and no explanation is going to make it any better.

    Agreed with the above, absoulutly. If you're anything like me, after shit like this happens you're going to want to completely analyze every single aspect of what happened, her motives for doing so, what you could have done to prevent it, what things would have been like if it happened differently, and so on and so on, until you feel sick and you just can't take it anymore. Don't let that depression consume you and waste your time. Talk to her to satisfy your curiosity about her motives and what she'll say to you, and keep talking to her for as long as it takes to satisfy your want of information and reasons why, and afterwards, dump her and never talk to her ever again. You'll be a lot better after you move on and are able to stop thinking about this and just accept this, but the only thing that will really allow that to happen is time. Don't be like me and take a month to get over the most vapid shit because of your analytical nature, just accept it for what it is. Like admanb said, find something to occupy your time, and just have fun with it. You'll feel SO much better after it's all been said and done.

    I wish you luck dude. Shit like this sucks when it's suddenly dumped on you, but you'll be a much happier person once it all blows over.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited April 2010
    J, you need some perspective.

    You have been dating this girl since December 28th. That's a little over 3 months.

    And yet, despite the fact that the relationship is extremely young, she was already talking about love, marriage, moving in together? Yeah, that's enough in and of itself to ring alarm bells in most people.

    What you do right now is quite simple.

    1. Find out who B is and let him know the situation. In my opinion you have a responsibility to save him from this lying whore. He is as much a victim as you are.

    2. Cut all contact with the aforementioned lying whore, and never talk to her again.

    3. Do you best to forget about it. Get drunk and cry yourself out in the toilet if you have to. Just get over it.

    And, for fuck's sake, use your fucking head next time and when a girl talks about all that serious stuff before at least the one year mark, run the other way as hard as you fucking can.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I appreciate the feedback. I think you are all correct that there is no understanding her actions. The more I think about it the less sense it makes.

    I am not going to do the long, crying e-mails or phone conversations. Given all that happened I do not want to be with her...I just sort of feel sorry for her that now this is all going to explode in her face. I really did care about her and wanted to be with her...and now it's just suck.

    The STD testing thing was something I realized shortly after the full story came out and I realized what had happened. So, yeah, that'll be a fun little venture.

    I'm probably just going to hide for a while; I let my professors know, in a way, what happened and I think they will let me sit out of classes for a week while I try to work through this.

    I just can't wrap my head around the fact that for three months she's been dating two guys...and she never thought it was wrong or that she was hurting me...I just do not understand it.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    1. Find out who B is and let him know the situation. In my opinion you have a responsibility to save him from this lying whore. He is as much a victim as you are.

    I called him when I had my suspicions and left a message for him to call me. Then after I found out everything I called him again and said, basically, "K has been dating both of us for three months. I did not know she was dating you when she and I started dating. If you want to talk I would be willing, but I just thought you should know."

    Player C is good friends with B, so she is going to talk to him. And, apparently, when Player C called K to ask about this K was with B. So my guess was that after I asked K if she was dating B she knew that things were going to hit the fan so she ran to try to salvage things with B.

    I left him a voicemail telling him what was going on. So, yeah, I was trying to do the right thing there.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Oh fuck she WAS cheating on him with me...

    I mean, she was cheating on both of us...but she has been dating him for a longer time.

    That, for some reason, makes me feel worse.

  • PerpetualPerpetual Registered User
    edited April 2010
    _J_ wrote: »
    Oh fuck she WAS cheating on him with me...

    I mean, she was cheating on both of us...but she has been dating him for a longer time.

    That, for some reason, makes me feel worse.

    Nothing you could have done could prevent it. You had no way of knowing, and you basically found out thanks to a fortunate accident. You should be glad that you found out when you did, and not, say, a year later.

    No reason to feel bad about it, honestly. Self-blame would be very misplaced here.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Perpetual wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Oh fuck she WAS cheating on him with me...

    I mean, she was cheating on both of us...but she has been dating him for a longer time.

    That, for some reason, makes me feel worse.

    Nothing you could have done could prevent it. You had no way of knowing, and you basically found out thanks to a fortunate accident. You should be glad that you found out when you did, and not, say, a year later.

    No reason to feel bad about it, honestly. Self-blame would be very misplaced here.

    Yeah, it really was an interesting series of events which resulted in my knowing.

    It's just so fucked up.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    _J_ wrote: »
    Oh fuck she WAS cheating on him with me...

    I mean, she was cheating on both of us...but she has been dating him for a longer time.

    That, for some reason, makes me feel worse.

    Wrong. Please expunge this from your mind. It is wrong and unhelpful.

    steam_sig.png
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Drez wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Oh fuck she WAS cheating on him with me...

    I mean, she was cheating on both of us...but she has been dating him for a longer time.

    That, for some reason, makes me feel worse.

    Wrong. Please expunge this from your mind. It is wrong and unhelpful.

    Yeah, my feeling guilty would be idiotic.

  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Call up B, tell him about the situation, have him arrange a "date" with K.

    When she shows up, the two of you are there and inform her that you both know about the whole thing, and that you are both breaking up with her.

    If Hollywood has taught me anything, you and B will then either start a successful rock band or will start a bromance so awesome that you won't have to worry about girls.

    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Call up B, tell him about the situation, have him arrange a "date" with K.

    When she shows up, the two of you are there and inform her that you both know about the whole thing, and that you are both breaking up with her.

    If Hollywood has taught me anything, you and B will then either start a successful rock band or will start a bromance so awesome that you won't have to worry about girls.

    B was with K this afternoon while Player C was talking to K about whether or not K was just dating B or dating B and myself.

    So, my understanding is that he already knows.

    but...I would like a rock band.

    My assumption is that he knows already, or will find out soon. And I left him a voicemail telling him what I knew. So, I think I have done enough with regard to that whole situation.

  • GammarahGammarah Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Call up B, tell him about the situation, have him arrange a "date" with K.

    When she shows up, the two of you are there and inform her that you both know about the whole thing, and that you are both breaking up with her.

    If Hollywood has taught me anything, you and B will then either start a successful rock band or will start a bromance so awesome that you won't have to worry about girls.

    Bonus points if you guys fist-bump as she runs off crying.

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Gammarah wrote: »
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Call up B, tell him about the situation, have him arrange a "date" with K.

    When she shows up, the two of you are there and inform her that you both know about the whole thing, and that you are both breaking up with her.

    If Hollywood has taught me anything, you and B will then either start a successful rock band or will start a bromance so awesome that you won't have to worry about girls.

    Bonus points if you guys fist-bump as she runs off crying.

    *cut to wailing riffs and screaming crowds*

    twitter, github, resume/portfolio, if you like to play or host boardgames online, check out handtracker
  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I believe this bitch has been treating you like this for quite some time, _J_. What happened is unfortunate, but I need to stress this as much as I possibly can:

    This woman is poison.

    She's toxic. She's destructive. She's manipulative. She is everything that's bad for you and would leave you emotionally dead when she was done draining you. I know it sucks right now, but leaving her is exactly what you needed.

    JKKaAGp.png
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    i'm a little confused by all the euphemism in your OP - have you actually heard any of this from the girl or the other guy, or just friends?

    People do often taper off their dating on the path to exclusivity.

    That said, she sounds fulla shit

    and as for why, she's doing it because she's emotionally young. any other explanation is a subset of that one.
    The key here is not to "figure out" why she did it but to moderate the effects on yourself. The mistake is to become angrier or more possesive or to not move forward with relationships out of fear of a repeat.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • DusT_HounDDusT_HounD Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    @ _J_
    sorry to hear bout your shitty situation. Guess you really just have to suck it up and cut your losses here. Red flag, red flag- this girl is damaged goods, unfortunately.

  • FonjoFonjo Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Reading your OP made my heart ache. I am sorry you had to experience that and I hope you can recover quickly.

    At least you were not dating for two years and recently engaged, right? I know a guy like that.

    You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Personally, if I were you, I would ask her what she was thinking. I would not expect a good answer and I would not expect to ever know but asking once can't hurt.

    Either way, whether you end up having one last conversation with her or not, cut things off as soon as possible and move on.

    camo_sig2.png
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    i'm a little confused by all the euphemism in your OP - have you actually heard any of this from the girl or the other guy, or just friends?

    Only friends, but it is a large number of friends. K is not returning my calls or texts.

    Actually, I went out to the bar tonight because some people were there and they wanted to see me. And it turns out that K had actually told part of the group she was with me, part of the group she was with B, and she had actually navigated the social groups of the department quite well such that no one, until today, crossed the wires on who she was dating. It was quite impressive. So everyone had their own "Oh, K is dating X because of Y" story and once they all got around talking it became incredibly obvious that, basically, K was lying to everyone.

    So, the vast majority of the department is on my side and of a "fuck, this bitch is fucked up" mentality.


    Apparently B (the other guy) has been told all of this and does not believe it. And a few people have been trying to convince him. So I called and left a message telling him that it is not my business to live his life, but I have her things over here and texts that he could see if he needs proof. I do not know if he will take me up on it...but I thought it would be nice to offer. Well, nice in a sense.


    In all of this, though, I still care about her. Like, I had friends come over and support me and be there for me...and I do not know if she has anyone. And I do not want the department to turn against her...I want her to have friends and be happy...but...she lied to all of us, she dated two guys in the department at the same time...and I cannot be responsible for what happens to her as a result of her doing that.

    I just wish none of this had happened...that she had just dated me...and that things were happy. This all completely sucks.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Fonjo wrote: »
    Personally, if I were you, I would ask her what she was thinking. I would not expect a good answer and I would not expect to ever know but asking once can't hurt.

    Yeah. She has not replied to any of my texts or calls...and I do not know how she is.

    I honestly do want to know what she was thinking...and try to get her some help. It is as if she was living two completely different lives...and that is not healthy.

  • FonjoFonjo Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    _J_ wrote: »
    ...and try to get her some help. It is as if she was living two completely different lives...and that is not healthy.

    I would strongly recommend against doing this. She will only seek help if she feels she needs it.

    I know you care about her but getting involved in this will just bring more pain and long term suffering for you and maybe both parties.

    A happy medium would be to contact a mutual friend, if you have any left, and see if they would look out for her.

    Seriously though, I would stay away. I am not against having one last conversation to see if you can salvage any information but beyond that, you should move on.

    I am terribly sorry you had to experience this bullshit.

    camo_sig2.png
  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Wow, that is messed up. Just like this girl. I don't think you'll ever fully understand why she did it other than because she's unstable.

  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    You do not want to "get this girl some help".

    I can understand you good intentions, _J_, but there are some people out there that trying to help will only end up with you suffering for it.

    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    So, a lot of people have talked about how K is a whore, toxic, and generally not a good person. And given all that has happened I completely agree. But...while I am basically dead inside as a result of this...what I feel is not anger or rage or anything. It's different.

    I do not know if any of you care, or if it is asinine to share this...but I wanted to share the e-mail I just sent her. Because...by every right I ought to be completely mad and of a "fuck that bitch" mentality. But that is not how I feel.

    And, I guess...well, what follows in the spoiler is what I feel. And if any of you care to know then feel free to read it. If you have thoughts, feel free to share them. I just sat down to write her something, and this is what came out. And, honestly, I did not expect it.

    Spoiler:

  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    That's actually a pretty understandable reaction.

    But now, no more contact with her. Like, ever again.

    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • BogartBogart Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    _J_, as everyone else has said, your best option is to just walk away. It's not what your emotions are telling you to do, but in time the hurt feelings and desperate need to close the sudden chasm between yourself and someone you trusted deeply until just the other day will fade and you will, I promise, feel better about having cut things off cleanly.

  • PantsBPantsB Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I believe this bitch has been treating you like this for quite some time, _J_. What happened is unfortunate, but I need to stress this as much as I possibly can:

    This woman is
    Spoiler:
    .

    She's toxic. She's destructive. She's manipulative. She is everything that's bad for you and would leave you emotionally dead when she was done draining you. I know it sucks right now, but leaving her is exactly what you needed.

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    Spoiler:
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Don't even think about contacting her over anything. If she contacts you, you are entitled to act like an asshole and tell her to stop fucking calling you. Go ahead, you earned it. Don't waste time calling her names, but stop giving a shit. She clearly didn't care about you.

    And don't fucking stop going to classes. Do not let this woman you dated for a few months affect your life. Keep your shit together, keep doing what you need to do.

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  • DiscoZombieDiscoZombie Registered User
    edited April 2010
    You've been handling everything in the textbook perfect way, in my opinion.

    I'm not sure anyone's tried to "explain" her actions, but there are a few possible explanations, and more than one of them could be true. Maybe she liked you much more than the other guy but didn't know how to break it off with him. Maybe she liked the danger of having two boyfriends. Maybe she was so scared of being alone that she made sure she had a "backup" boyfriend if one didn't work out. None of these are healthy, rational, or moral reasons, but they are reasons. Humans do a lot of stupid things.

  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Jesus christ. You make my recent heartbreak seem like an overreaction.

    So, do you guys work together? If so, you might not be able to follow this advice: Erase her from your entire life, because she's a crazy-making sociopath.

    I had to do that recently. Deleted phone numbers, email addresses, sent/recieved text messages, missed/recieved/outgoing calls, facebook. Let mutual friends know that I would decline any invitations to events where I would cross paths with this dude. The first week was fucked up, but it's about a month later now, and I'm feeling a lot better.

    A lot better.

    Good luck.

  • Apothe0sisApothe0sis Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    From the things that you HAVE described _J_ I would suggest that you will absolutely never understand why she did this. While I have nowhere near enough information for any conclusive declaration, the relationship sounds like the stereotypical "Boy meets girl with borderline personality disorder" story.

    Now, I am not saying that she has BPD. At all. In fact, I think that irrelevant to the actual advice for the thread. However, the advice for dealing with a breakup involving someone who turns out to be, against all expectation, an utterly irrational or amoral actor with regard to romance will apply to any such situatuation and there's a lot of information about that subject in dealing BPD sufferer related help sites.

    The "relationship profile" if you will, of the BPD-romance is in no way exclusive to sufferers OF BPD. This is important because - you will probably find a bit of self-identification with many of the stories, and that understanding can be helpful, but it will also show that her motivations are essentially inscrutible.

    However, just from the things which you have said, they're all such complete red flags that closely correlate with that KIND of relationship regardless of what she as a person might be like.

    Or, I could be way off base and just projecting my own stuff onto your story.

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  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    _J_ wrote: »
    So, a lot of people have talked about how K is a whore, toxic, and generally not a good person. And given all that has happened I completely agree. But...while I am basically dead inside as a result of this...what I feel is not anger or rage or anything. It's different.

    You're depressed, which is normal. I mean, when bad things happen to me I don't get angry or vengeful, I get sad because something shitty happened and that's life sometimes. Some dudes punch walls; other dudes think that's really stupid and simply get depressed.

    What your story makes me wonder is who's the original boyfriend or husband that no one knows about.

    But what she did was give you the impression that she was head over heels for you, and who knows, she might've felt that way a bit. She might've felt stronger because she knew she was "breaking rules." By wanting to meet your parents and talk about your future -- but keep it private to the department -- she gave you the impression that she was serious but didn't want to create drama in the department, which is logical for rational people. And because she was excited about your parents/friends/future, you didn't question it.

    In a normal relationship you wouldn't really have to question it, either, although typically something happens (for example, exactly your story) where it falls apart.

    You don't need to worry about B -- if he wants to live in denial and stick with her, he can. He needs to move on himself, if he wants to. You've already extended your hand to the guy -- don't turn it into a fist by forcing a meeting or conversation.

    As for why, I think you're overthinking it. She was dating B, had kept it a secret from most of the department, and then decided that she also liked you. So she decided to have another relationship. Maybe things with B weren't that serious, or maybe she likes the thrill of doing something slightly illicit. Or maybe she just really liked you but didn't want to leave B.

    But you shouldn't be surprised that you still have feelings for her. Even though she's a cheater, she still thought you had a lot of positive qualities and wanted to date you. You had a lot of fun together. I mean, if you're an optimist you'll realize that this happened because she likes you, and you found out because your friends like you.

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  • STATE OF THE ART ROBOTSTATE OF THE ART ROBOT EVERYBODY'S GOT A PRICE! Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I am going to quote advice given on the SA forums when a girl reveals herself to be like this:

    Bitch crazy, sever.

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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I am going to quote advice given on the SA forums when a girl reveals herself to be like this:

    Bitch crazy, sever.

    for everything surrounding the SA guys and their forums, they do give out good relationship advice.

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