I sort of felt like that, too. When I'm not making cookies I will try out some Gulps/Swigs and some Whooshes/Fwooshes.
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NappuccinoSurveyor of Things and StuffRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
The gulp, atleast, won't cover up the awesome artwork.
But the Whoosh/ Fwoosh would be over the fire wouldn't it? Its kind of ironic because that panel, more than the gulp one, feels like it needs a sfx but I can't figure out where it would go and not cover the awesome fire yet be natural looking.
That's the problem with sound-effects, really. And dialogue. I see it down the bottom of the fire, curved to fit the flame with the F just a little tucked behind the arm.
I was having a pretty bummer day until I read this. Thanks for the pick-me-up, Squidbunny.
Hunter's stare in panel 4 just kills me. Dude looks high as a kite and he hasn't even got his drink on yet.
As for the SFX, as it stands it has a kinda otherworldly feel, like the flames burst out in complete spooky silence. You could try keeping that, but have Mizz Dauterive's muscle cry out in pain to fill the panel with some audible emphasis.
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MustangArbiter of Unpopular OpinionsRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
I thought the goons were Hunters men until that last page.
I'm kind of at a loss re: the thug confusion, I'll admit; not sure how I could rectify that.
But let's talk flames.
Someone extra-AC told me the flames in that last panel lacked velocity, which I get, so I tried redoing those. I also added potential SFX, but I kind of like that no SFX implies silent, slow-mo goings-on. I'm torn. What do you like?
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surrealitychecklonely, but not unloveddreaming of faulty keys and latchesRegistered Userregular
Middle one looks best, by the way, although it might look slightly better if the thug is looking at the flames instead of staring out into the void. It makes him look a bit stiffer than he should, maybe.
Yeah, thugs were totally clear. Even though them standing cross-armed behind Dauterive in the opening pages is subtle, the overt tell is when they respond to Hunter's touching her necklace in page 5 and then whisper information into Dauterive's ear on page 6.
Just makes sense a fair young lady needs some bruisers to keep fleeced card players from getting uppity.
I like the second set of flames better, too. My mind is making up patterns of little horses and demons in there, making the fire seem more infernal.
The "Aaarg!" cry from the thug sounds wrong -- more like a response to being stabbed. Every time I've set myself or others on fire, the universal exclamation is "Aaaah! AAAAH!" followed by pleas to put it out and running in circles.
Okay positive stuff: The dialogue, pacing, and style is all really good. The colors especially are just nice.
Now, the thug on the left with the knife, I don't quite understand how he's supposed to be holding it. He seems to be gripping it between his thumb and forefinger, like a scalpel. The rest of the fingers aren't "rolling" along the hilt like one would expect them to, so it doesn't convey a very firm grasp.
Also did you do a reference pose for the drinking frame? He looks like he's playing a trumpet. It looks less like a high-angle shot, and more like he's got his shoulders hunched.
The new fire looks great. The "swig" and "aaargh" are probably unnecessary.
I too am personally partial to new fire, no SFX or screaming, so I think we're good, Shepard.
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NappuccinoSurveyor of Things and StuffRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
I kind of like the swig- its tiny size is humorous to me. And I think seeing the word and reading it helps to add a nice pause in the pacing, the calm before the fire....storm.
I also really like the new fire and... maybe if you drew the guy on fire a tad it would sell the fire better than the sfx? (like the others, i don't think the sfx is working in the last panel)
I think this is your best page both layout and color wise. It's just purdy to look at.
Crit wise, I'd say its a bit too peaceful on the outside for having a full blown inferno in the interior. Maybe a little smoke coming out the window might help.
Also the hands on the left of the last panel seem like floating magic hands from Smash Brothers cause they don't seem to be part of a body. Minor quibbles aside its fucking awesome.
Oooooh, I like what I'm seeing. A lot. The colors, the art, the panel borders, everything. Though, I do have a few suggestions. I will admit that I probably don't know what I'm talking about, since you seem to have a metric ton of experience more than me, but these are just my opinions.
I guess what I want to talk about first is the presentation. From what I can tell, you really like using close ups. I'm not saying you use them for every single page, but consider this: Are you consciously using panels without dialogue? Panels with just background? Panels where you zoom out so you can see everything? Silent close ups of the characters? These are indispensable, and it lets the audience imbue them with their own meaning and stimulates their imagination.
I love how it looks, but I think it wouldn't hurt to "loosen" it up. I just seems a bit..."cramped". I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. If you don't want to change it, that's just fine. These are "my" thoughts, and mine alone. >_>
I agree with the multi-party smoke crit; it did occur to me when I was working on that last panel that it was absurd there was no smoke roiling out the building as Vane approaches, but I was so hung up on wanting the tipoff that Hunter was in the building to be the branded horse, because that's what I originally scripted, that I was stubborn and stupid about it. But I'll definitely fix it when I'm not at work.
'Stang: NTO's book 1 script is 32 or 36 pages (it's 32 but I seem to break things up more in practice than I ever originally intend so it'll probably be 36); I'm drawing the first 13 so it leaves off on a semi-interesting story beat while clearing the sequential pages required to submit to every publisher I'd like to pitch it to. My only regret is these first 13 pages aren't really action-packed, but the few people I asked about this seemed to think it was better to start with a sort of introduction to what we were getting into rather than jumping right into a disembodied action set piece. I dunno. To be honest I've sort of lost steam/confidence with it, but now who's rambling.
To be honest I've sort of lost steam/confidence with it, but now who's rambling.
NO! Stop that! Stop that right now before I kick you!
This is great work and I'm very curious to see where it is heading.
Also, method question. I have a bit of trouble working with high DPI for any piece that needs printing. It's the sort of "working under a magnifying glass" feeling you get from having to zoom in to the actual pixel size. How do you go about it with these? Do you do roughs in lower DPI and raise it for the inking/coloring? Or is there a better method that I'm not aware of?
Also, last panel of the last page has some great composition. I do have a quick recommendation, though. If you're adding smoke to the first panel, it may not be a bad idea to throw in a flaming thug bursting out of the window. In the final panel you could account for this by having the background window between the two characters be shattered.
I pencil these at 10x15" and scan them in at 300ppi; I work at that size the whole way. If you're getting tunnel vision working zoomed in, try opening a second window for the file and keep that zoomed way out so you can keep a better eye on the big picture. Seems to work okay for me.
Re: throwing a thug out the window, I appreciate the suggestion but that would completely overshadow the revelation of the brand on that horse (which is important), and also, I think it'd mischaracterize Hunter: he's not a throw-a-guy-out-a-window sort.
Squid if you stop before you even hit the 13 page mark I will make my own wild west comic called "There Will Be Punches" starring Daniel Day Lewis as "my fist" and your nose as "himself"
Re: throwing a thug out the window, I appreciate the suggestion but that would completely overshadow the revelation of the brand on that horse (which is important), and also, I think it'd mischaracterize Hunter: he's not a throw-a-guy-out-a-window sort.
Makes sense, but just to clarify I wasn't suggesting that Hunter would've thrown him out the window, but that he would've burst through the window of his own accord as a response to being on fire.
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Do the last two panels here need SFX?
I only say that because they do seem a little bit at odds with the rest of the panels dialogue/ word wise. It is as if something is missing.
But the Whoosh/ Fwoosh would be over the fire wouldn't it? Its kind of ironic because that panel, more than the gulp one, feels like it needs a sfx but I can't figure out where it would go and not cover the awesome fire yet be natural looking.
Hunter's stare in panel 4 just kills me. Dude looks high as a kite and he hasn't even got his drink on yet.
As for the SFX, as it stands it has a kinda otherworldly feel, like the flames burst out in complete spooky silence. You could try keeping that, but have Mizz Dauterive's muscle cry out in pain to fill the panel with some audible emphasis.
I did too actually.
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But let's talk flames.
Someone extra-AC told me the flames in that last panel lacked velocity, which I get, so I tried redoing those. I also added potential SFX, but I kind of like that no SFX implies silent, slow-mo goings-on. I'm torn. What do you like?
Middle one looks best, by the way, although it might look slightly better if the thug is looking at the flames instead of staring out into the void. It makes him look a bit stiffer than he should, maybe.
Just makes sense a fair young lady needs some bruisers to keep fleeced card players from getting uppity.
I like the second set of flames better, too. My mind is making up patterns of little horses and demons in there, making the fire seem more infernal.
The "Aaarg!" cry from the thug sounds wrong -- more like a response to being stabbed. Every time I've set myself or others on fire, the universal exclamation is "Aaaah! AAAAH!" followed by pleas to put it out and running in circles.
Ah, memories.
Now, the thug on the left with the knife, I don't quite understand how he's supposed to be holding it. He seems to be gripping it between his thumb and forefinger, like a scalpel. The rest of the fingers aren't "rolling" along the hilt like one would expect them to, so it doesn't convey a very firm grasp.
Also did you do a reference pose for the drinking frame? He looks like he's playing a trumpet. It looks less like a high-angle shot, and more like he's got his shoulders hunched.
The new fire looks great. The "swig" and "aaargh" are probably unnecessary.
Those things seem comedic here, probably because they're so cliché.
That second fire looks great though.
I also really like the new fire and... maybe if you drew the guy on fire a tad it would sell the fire better than the sfx? (like the others, i don't think the sfx is working in the last panel)
Crit wise, I'd say its a bit too peaceful on the outside for having a full blown inferno in the interior. Maybe a little smoke coming out the window might help.
Also the hands on the left of the last panel seem like floating magic hands from Smash Brothers cause they don't seem to be part of a body. Minor quibbles aside its fucking awesome.
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I concur. It is pretty sweet. I agree about the smoke, too, though. Especially with how much smoke there is on the inside.
I guess what I want to talk about first is the presentation. From what I can tell, you really like using close ups. I'm not saying you use them for every single page, but consider this: Are you consciously using panels without dialogue? Panels with just background? Panels where you zoom out so you can see everything? Silent close ups of the characters? These are indispensable, and it lets the audience imbue them with their own meaning and stimulates their imagination.
I love how it looks, but I think it wouldn't hurt to "loosen" it up. I just seems a bit..."cramped". I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. If you don't want to change it, that's just fine. These are "my" thoughts, and mine alone. >_>
Keep up the good work!
'Stang: NTO's book 1 script is 32 or 36 pages (it's 32 but I seem to break things up more in practice than I ever originally intend so it'll probably be 36); I'm drawing the first 13 so it leaves off on a semi-interesting story beat while clearing the sequential pages required to submit to every publisher I'd like to pitch it to. My only regret is these first 13 pages aren't really action-packed, but the few people I asked about this seemed to think it was better to start with a sort of introduction to what we were getting into rather than jumping right into a disembodied action set piece. I dunno. To be honest I've sort of lost steam/confidence with it, but now who's rambling.
Per usual, thanks for all the feedback, guys.
NO! Stop that! Stop that right now before I kick you!
This is great work and I'm very curious to see where it is heading.
Also, method question. I have a bit of trouble working with high DPI for any piece that needs printing. It's the sort of "working under a magnifying glass" feeling you get from having to zoom in to the actual pixel size. How do you go about it with these? Do you do roughs in lower DPI and raise it for the inking/coloring? Or is there a better method that I'm not aware of?
Also, last panel of the last page has some great composition. I do have a quick recommendation, though. If you're adding smoke to the first panel, it may not be a bad idea to throw in a flaming thug bursting out of the window. In the final panel you could account for this by having the background window between the two characters be shattered.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Re: throwing a thug out the window, I appreciate the suggestion but that would completely overshadow the revelation of the brand on that horse (which is important), and also, I think it'd mischaracterize Hunter: he's not a throw-a-guy-out-a-window sort.
Much obliged for the encouragement!
Makes sense, but just to clarify I wasn't suggesting that Hunter would've thrown him out the window, but that he would've burst through the window of his own accord as a response to being on fire.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Fug: That pretty much encourages me to quit posthaste, sir.
I've only had time/drive to get at this smoke thing today. Adequate?
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Though I do like the far right vertical one, for a fancy title.
I agree with Mustang, those are the best two logos. They work well as a set too.
The right one seems a bit too... Souther Comfort like.
The Middle left one is pretty good too though.