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Girlfriend pregnant, wants adoption... I don't
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The girl may not want the baby, but she does want to give birth to it. Thus the father has every right to keep it if she doesn't want it.
Limed for mother fuckin' truth. Yes, during the time she is pregnant the choice of having the baby VS not having the baby is hers and hers alone because she is the one carrying it. However, she has decided to carry this child to term. What happens with the child then falls on both biological parents.
A, what, year ago we had a thread where an awesome dude's wife cheated on him with some guy. She ended up pregnant but had no idea who was the father of the child and she decided to bring the baby to term and then put it up for adoption. The guy had the choice of signing off on the adoption (she cannot give the baby up unless you sign those papers) or keeping the kid himself. He signed off on the papers because once that kid was born he HAD THE CHOICE.
OP, if you want this kid and you have the backing of your family (and it seems that you do) then by all means do so because you want the child. Do not have ANY misgivings that this will keep your relationship with the mother intact or that she will come around to wanting your child. This could very well destroy your relationship and you have to be prepared for that. But if you are not keeping this kid because you think it'll keep you two together, and you are truly attached to this child (and I think it was Esh who said that you already being attached to this kid is dangerous and that is NOT true. It is a beautiful thing and some guys don't even feel that attachment till the kid is born. You having it now is not unnatural) and willing to deal with the sacrifices that comes along with it, then do it.
And most people do not know how the sacrifices will effect them even if they do plan on having the kid. Its just something you learn as you go. However you should know that partying and other illicit activities are pretty much out.
TL;DR - If you want this kid with good intentions (no delusions of what it could do for your relationship with the mother and prepared to give up a lot for said child) then do it. If you're not prepared then assist in helping her find adoptive parents for the baby. But you do have rights and you should not allow yourself to get screwed out of them.
One girl I know who was adopted as a crack-addicted infant is now finishing up her medical residency. Another is growing up as a very privelaged child with two show horses.
There is hope.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
"Where's mommy?"
"Oh, she didn't want you."
On top of diapers, tack on years of psychiatrist bills.
Just because you messed up doesn't mean you need to be a father. There are soooo many loving families who want a healthy baby but can't have one. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others (the mom, the child, etc...)
I mean, you're saying the kid's going to be traumatized being raised by a single father and not knowing his mother but perfectly fine with being abandoned by both parents and put up for adoption? very curious logic there
I'm not speaking against adoption, just saying Esh isn't making any sense there. My opinion is that adoption probably is the best option, but that's because I doubt Netsua has the maturity and wisdom to be a good single father based largely on the lack of wisdom he's demonstrated so far in this whole episode.
It makes plenty of sense. A child can understand being put up for adoption because of unknown circumstances (hell, do some kids even know they're adopted?), but if there's just one parent and the other one isn't dead and just wants nothing to do with the child, then that child is going most likely develop some serious issues. Are you following me here?
Basically, since the child has never had the opportunity to actually know either of his birth parents, it's much less traumatizing.
Yes, because children raised by single mothers ALWAYS need psychiatry and face psychological damage because they're raised by one parent.
No, no, esh knows best. About everything.
I'm saying it's much more likely. And Druhim, don't be a silly goose. It's not needed or appreciated.
I'm going with Esh (not in total agreement with the rest of his posts
It sounds like she's made the best decision for herself, though don't be surprised if she struggles with the decision the entire pregnancy.
I wish you the best of luck, if you are serious on raising the baby yourself I'd seek out a financial planner, a strong support group for single dads, perhaps a lawyer to make sure you get the child, and figure out who will be willing to watch the child when you are at work/school.
That is completely false! Think about it, most women take pregnancy tests when they miss their period. Most women have periods 4 weeks apart and are fertile right in the middle of between their periods. That makes it a 2 week wait until the tests will reliably come up positive.
To the OP: you do not have any right to ask this girl to raise the baby with you. She wants to give birth to it, so you can decide to raise it but you do not have a right to ask her to be involved. Would you be willing to let her sign away her parental rights? You wouldn't be able to collect child support from her that way, but she might feel more comfortable that way.
Wait, so if we're to go with Esh's logic here then give the girl whatever she wants, but if you want this kid "fuck you"? It shouldn't work like that. If he wants the baby, he can do those things but if she gives up the kid its the adopted parents' obligation to support her financially or whatever she asks for.
OP is nothing but an accidental sperm donor and needs to remember that. The girl actually has to carry and birth the child. So yes, give her what she wants.
o_O
That is disturbingly cynical and makes the Pro choice = Culture of Death argument stronger.
The child might wind up just fine; adopted by a loving home which beats the hell out of being summarily executed for comming into existance at an inconvenient moment and the possibility they *may* have problems. You could make that argument to abort any pregnancy because you have no idea how bad *any* child in *any* situation might end up.
Adoption > Abortion.
As for the OP, the fact that your girlfriend is choosing the hard right over the easy wrong is admirable and should be supported.
I was raised by a single, overwhealmed parent for most of my childhood and a sane, stable, loving home with adoptive parents would have been better. I'd let her place the child for adoption because, with how picky most agencies are, you've got a high chance the adoptive parents are good people.
I've got a kid and with a spouse it's still hard, very hard, some days. It's gonna hurt, but think; would you want to raise the child as a single parent because it's best for the kid or because it's best for your feelings of guilt?
Personally, I have more respect for a couple/parent who admits they can't handle it and gives the child up for adoption instead of stubbornly keeping the child, and raising him/her badly, because they're too proud to admit they can't do it or too wrapped up in soothing their selfish guilt.
Not saying that's you or all single parents, though some fall into this category. Just something to consider.
Margaret Thatcher
Legal rights if she decides to give birth. He has those. It doesn't make him any less of a silly goose though for doing what he's trying to do.
Also, stop derailing the thread with personal attacks. Another one and I'm going to hit the report button. Hugs.
I haven't mentioned abortion once. I think you're very confused.
I'm asserting that the OP should let her give it up for adoption and go on his merry way.
It looks to me like you're going to have to choose between maintaining a relationship with this woman or raising your child, because she doesn't seem interested.
Know that there is a lot of information and support available for single fathers, and although raising a child will be the most difficult thing you will ever do, it will also be the most rewarding. That said, there are also many avenues available to you to be able to keep in touch or keep track of your child's progress should you decide to give him or her up. But, if you decide to raise your child on your own, understand that you may not end up being a single parent forever. For all you know you could meet the love of your life a week, month, year, or whatever after your kid is born.
A (if everything works out) lifetime relationship with a son or daughter would mean more to me than a relationship with a woman that may or may not last, but you can't eliminate the chance that she will change her mind someday (which is difficult to impossible if you both pursue adoption).
I think you should raise your child, on your own if need be, and I think that every day you'll look back and be glad that you did.
Yes, he does only have rights if she carries it to term, which she is. Thus, he has rights, but if he wants to be a decent person, he needs to let it go.
It's not difficult to impossible at all if they go for the more logical choice of an open adoption. Where a family who can afford to and is able to raise the child will and the OP and his gf will still be able to have a relationship with the child.
Okay, I'm 29 (my profile states this), she's 22. As for the whole school thing, I work full-time at a pretty good job (Canon) and could afford an apartment on my own, even with her there. I don't wish to keep the kid because I feel I have to... I REALLY want to be a father, always have. A little hard to explain really, but it is something I've always wanted to do. This is why I ask for help with ways of being able to let go if I have to. I will try and give her alternatives to giving it up, but otherwise I will support her fully. I don't wish to lose her either.
edit: Oh, and thanks to everyone who has responded. Sorry for taking a bit to get back to this. So many things going on right now and I went to chat with my best friend on this as well.
Eh, not quite what I was thinking, its yes give her support as best as you are able but if you want this kid, get a lawyer to make sure you can. He wanted to raise the baby with her. And so far it sounds like she doesn't, that's when the fuck you comes in to play.
I left "My suggestion would be to support her in the pregnancy (financially, emotionally, whatever she asks for) and then leave it well enough alone. This will help to minimize your "emotional distress". Because I think it is a good suggestion, I put in the "I wish the best of luck "sentence because I think he may want to raise the baby on his own and professionals will help come up with a reasonable plan.
That's true, but visiting your child and raising your child are two different things. I would hate to be in a biological parent's shoes when it was time to say goodbye and go home.
edit: Nitsua posted while I was writing this.
Bottom line - Please try to leave yourself options. The way you feel now might not be the way you feel a year from now, or ten years from now. That said, good luck with whatever route you decide to take.
Smartest thing I've seen in the thread so far. Good on you for realizing this.
Yes, this is indeed something I was thinking of. She is the type of person that does not like others doing things for them, but I could indeed afford to take care of her and the child while she goes through the last two semesters she has left. My best friend (a mother of three) also would love to help as well as my mother and a TON of her friends. it isn't like we don't have support.
She's young, and your relationship with her hasn't gone on for very long, so to try and pin her down with your expectations of familial bliss really isn't fair to either of you.
yes, I am quite certain this child is mine. Haven't done a paternity test, but she was on her period when I met her. She hadn't been with anyone for at least five months or so before hand.
As for the others asking (I really should read more before answering as I am, oh well) - this is not my first relationship... more like my tenth and my third sex partner. I will get to more questions as I see them.
As far as I can see it, her biggest worry is that she wouldn't be able to handle school and taking care of the baby. She already fears she won't be as good as a mother as her own was and she wasn't doing well in school before I came around. She feels I will be a great father though (MANY people keep telling me this) and has no doubts about my support, love for her, or anything like that. We have discussed me raising it on my own, but (with us being together still) it would be like she didn't really give it up anyhow.
NOT ON MY LIFE!
I don't wish to trap her... I am prepared to raise the child completely on my own if I must, but I really don't wish to (my friends wouldn't let me be alone anyhow though).
We get along extremely well and it was really the way I handled the news and was there for her and supported her when we found out that really calmed her down at first - that and how supportive her entire social network has been. There has literally been more offers to help watch the child when it is born than there are days in the month we would need such a thing.
Bolded for "That's what we're talking about". She is planning to give birth to this child. They aren't in the abortion vs adoption. This is adoption vs keeping the kid. He wants the kid, she want to give it up for adoption. Therefore if he wants the kid, he should be able to have the kid.
We're saying he can do this, it's hard as fuck, yes but he can do it. He has legal rights and he wants to exercise those rights. If this was abortion this would be completely different, but because this child is coming into the world and he wants to be there for all the milestones, then he should be able to.
Hell, to even come to an even ground, OP have you ever considered open adoptions?
Edit: See Nitsua chimed in. Dude, you can totally do this if you choose to. And I also saw someone brought in the open adoption argument before I did.
Anyways, keep your options open but if you're willing to raise this kid on your own, then do it. You're at a decent enough age to take care of the kid, you have the means, you seem to have the support.
I met her on OKCupid on Valentine's Day, we met up at my place for Rock Band the Sunday after (February 21st) We had sex on the 25th of February... was fairly unexpected really. The day I believe she conceived was around March 12th and we found out she was pregnant the Thursday after that.
It is not that she can't she herself raising a child with me... we even talked about children and everything mere days before finding out she was pregnant. We just assumed it would be a good number of years before this would happen. Yeah, we didn't actually work on making sure that would be the case, but we were already talking long term in a lot of ways. The major thing is that she doesn't believe that she can take care of a child, work more hours, and go to school as she needs to. I'm looking for more ideas on how I can present to her that it can indeed work and especially any way that I can take pressure off of her in the process. I intend to be a VERY hands on father and I'm with her every step of the way during the pregnancy.
If we keep it, it would not be out of any feelings of guilt or any of that. Both of us wanted families... just not so soon in her case. If we keep the child it will be because we want to have a family and raise the child, not for any other reason. If guilt was coming into play at all I would rather put up the child for I would not raise a kid in those circumstances.
And no offense, but you've been dating her for just over two months, you have no idea if you two have a strong relationship yet.
At 22 I was just starting to enjoy the experience of living on my own. Having a kid with a guy I just met was the absolute farthest thing on my mind. If she doesn't believe that she can take care of a child, work more hours, and go to school as she needs to. SHE'S RIGHT.
I have to say, you are creeping me out. The fact that she's said no, and that you keep trying to work her into a yes is frightening.