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Relationship Breakup

AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
edited May 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So the girl who I have been dating for the last 4 years just broke up with me. Apparently she has wanted to for a long while but been too much of a coward to actually say anything (Even in a situation 3 months ago where I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship).

I just don't know what I will do. She is/was my best friend. I talked to her more than anyone. I lived with her for 1.5 years (we moved out because of money issues last august - right around the time she decided to be a coward).

She wants to be friends and got very upset when I told her that is impossible.

But yea I don't know what to do with myself. Lost my best friend who I talked to about everything. Life is just empty and fucked...

Avicus on
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Posts

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Spend a lot of time with friends, join a gym, drink (but not to excess) yell, scream, laugh. And of course (I'm sure you realize this) cut her completely out of your life.

    You'll feel better, eventually.

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  • AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    admanb wrote: »
    Spend a lot of time with friends, join a gym, drink (but not to excess) yell, scream, laugh. And of course (I'm sure you realize this) cut her completely out of your life.

    You'll feel better, eventually.

    Yea I already go to a gym. I would probably be there right now but I go with my brother and he isn't home yet.

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  • histronichistronic Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    admanb wrote: »
    Spend a lot of time with friends, join a gym, drink (but not to excess) yell, scream, laugh. And of course (I'm sure you realize this) cut her completely out of your life.

    You'll feel better, eventually.

    This is pretty much it. Its gonna take some time but things will be great again eventually.

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  • RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    admanb wrote: »
    Spend a lot of time with friends, join a gym, drink (but not to excess) yell, scream, laugh. And of course (I'm sure you realize this) cut her completely out of your life.

    You'll feel better, eventually.

    Don't forget to go out with your friends, get really fucking drunk and hit on several women.

    Or just get your best bud over and drink and cry with him. That works too I guess.

  • CliffCliff Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    This too shall pass. You should probobly cut off contact with her, but also forgive her for being a coward. To move on you'll need to let go of feelings toward her, both positive and negative. Other than that, just give yourself some time. Things seem worse now than they will a week from now, and so on and so forth until you'll laugh at yourself for getting so bent out of shape. Also remember that romance is ultimately a small part of life. Focus on yourself and personal goals, shift the time and energy you spent on her into positive things for yourself.

    Wasn't that movie about David Bowie seducing a 16 year old girl while surrounding himself with monsters and rubbing his balls?

    I don't think it was even a movie, it was just some footage of what Bowie does in his day to day life.
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I don't know that I'd consider romance a small part of life all the time but when you're not currently in a relationship it should definitely take a back seat.

    Tube-san wrote:
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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Robman wrote: »
    admanb wrote: »
    Spend a lot of time with friends, join a gym, drink (but not to excess) yell, scream, laugh. And of course (I'm sure you realize this) cut her completely out of your life.

    You'll feel better, eventually.

    Don't forget to go out with your friends, get really fucking drunk and hit on several women.

    Or just get your best bud over and drink and cry with him. That works too I guess.

    Every time I've broken up with someone, I made an effort to do all those things they worked so hard to get me to stop doing, like playing video games in my underwear, or eating waffles with my bare hands over the sink, or pissing and leaving the toilet seat up.

    So petty but goddamn it feels so good. It's only unhealthy if you're still making a point to do that stuff five years down the road.

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    That only really works if you're living alone, but yeah, that is definitely one big thing. Enjoy being able to do all the small things that really make another person go EWW but you don't care.

    Things like getting up on a saturday morning when you have nothing to do that day and just sitting straight down in front of the computer in your boxers then getting up again 12 hours later to go back to bed.

    Tube-san wrote:
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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah maybe I should have been more clear not to do anything destructive, like getting back into your old heroin habit or re-joining your old white-supremacy group. That would do more harm than good.

  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life. Some of life's greatest lessons are devastatingly painful.

  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I know you said it, which is a good thing, but it's very important that you stick to your idea where you can't be friends. Don't even entertain the possibility. As far as you are concerned, you will live out the rest of your days without ever having any sort of contact with her ever again.

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  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited May 2010
    Yeah, grats on asserting up-front that you don't want to be friends. Some people can do it and some people can't, and if you don't feel like you can and still move on, that's your right.

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  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    She got upset, but, well...she's the one that broke up with you, so tough luck for her.

    I know it sucks now and probably will for a good portion of time, just let it heal naturally (don't force yourself to feel one way or another, just let your feelings come and go as they will). Try to stay busy, talk to friends, maybe find a new hobby...

    I wouldn't try to be positive, because for me at least, that ends up in the feelings getting buried instead of sorted out. If you feel like shit, don't sweat it, feel like shit. You're going to feel what you need to feel naturally, and it's important to let that process finish. Of course, if you're completely depressed for an abnormally long period of time, you should take a step back and see what you need to do.

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  • i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Time is the only cure for this my friend and even then it may take some internal fortitude. You just need to stick to your guns and do what's best for YOU right now. Focus on what you want in life right now and go after it with drive. You'll be amazed at how this kind of situation can motivate you to do things you never imagined. My advice is to take this time to yourself to hone in on who you are so when the next big thing comes around (and trust me it will its not hopeless) you will be at your best. Don't let yourself go and keep yourself as busy as possible to keep your mind from drifting.

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  • LiiyaLiiya Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    You'll probably find you've got a bit of spare time now, so as well as hanging out with your friends more, do something like join a new group/club/class if you find you've got time on your hands, you'll feel you're doing something extra which is productive. Doesn't have to be something expensive, even if its just going for bike rides or something.

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  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Bros night

    some beer, some games, and an esky to drag to the nearest hilltop with a scenic view

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  • spindoktrspindoktr Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Agreed on asserting that you can't be friends. It's hard to offer advice that will soften that blow, but truly time heals all. You'll move on and find someone new or someone might find you that you'd never expect! Either way, stay strong and focus on other parts of your life and in time everything will fall into place :)

  • ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I know you're upset about her not telling you that she wanted out, but, that shit is HARD. Especially when you still like the person and don't necessarily want to hurt them, or lose them, you just don't want to be in a relationship with them. I'm not defending her, I've just been there. Forgiving her for that is going to be the first step in you getting better though. You don't have to be her friend, but holding negative feelings about her is going to make you think of her longer than you need to.

    Go out with friends, do what you guys do. If you drink, hand someone your keys. Don't make bad decisions to get over this.

    Maybe take a class on something that interests you, photography, pottery, whatever.

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  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Ouch, sorry to hear that. Lots of good advice here though.

    If that ever happened to me I'd be more pissed off that she wasted so much of your time pursuing something that she didn't believe was going anywhere.

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  • AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Update: Just went to see if she had updated her livejournal (I know stupid, don't actually use livejournal so I just used her login) and oh look at all these entries. Wow you met a guy on australia day and went back to his place and 'intentionally spooned' (her words). Oh look at this. Met another guy and had 2 psuedo hookups and then another that ended in sex (looks like he then ditched her after that huh). This was all in Jan/Feb. Then in March there is another entry saying I like Clinton, wondering how i approach trying to get with him hahaha.

    Seems that she didn't realise that she was in a relationship. Half the shit she said about me in these posts is not pleasant either. Break up is long overdue and she just wants to get it over with (2-3 months ago, right around the time when I asked her if she wanted to break up).

    I must look like the biggest fucking fool. Seems everyone knew but me. Fuck this shit. Still hate myself and want to die. Now I hate her too.

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  • STATE OF THE ART ROBOTSTATE OF THE ART ROBOT Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    It happens Avicius. Sometimes relationships make peope blind to the facts. Anyways just end it with her, break all contact, when breaking up with her get everything off your chest and tell her off if you so choose. Then find things you enjoy, maybe hit the gym up and feel better. Oh did I say sever? You never want to see that ugly bitch again nor speak another word to her. She holds no emotional weight over you.

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    Update: Just went to see if she had updated her livejournal (I know stupid, don't actually use livejournal so I just used her login) and oh look at all these entries. Wow you met a guy on australia day and went back to his place and 'intentionally spooned' (her words). Oh look at this. Met another guy and had 2 psuedo hookups and then another that ended in sex (looks like he then ditched her after that huh). This was all in Jan/Feb. Then in March there is another entry saying I like Clinton, wondering how i approach trying to get with him hahaha.

    Seems that she didn't realise that she was in a relationship. Half the shit she said about me in these posts is not pleasant either. Break up is long overdue and she just wants to get it over with (2-3 months ago, right around the time when I asked her if she wanted to break up).

    I must look like the biggest fucking fool. Seems everyone knew but me. Fuck this shit. Still hate myself and want to die. Now I hate her too.

    That shit is definitely bad from her and no one would blame you for having negative feelings about her. I can't believe she even thinks she deserves to be friends with you after all of that. Sounds like its just a cowardly move because she doesn't have the guts to actually break up with you straight up.

    Can I suggest one thing though...stop stalking her livejournals, facebooks, etc, etc. It may seem like you're getting closure, but its really irrelevant at this point and its only going to make you feel worse.

    Tube-san wrote:
    I apologise for my rudeness desu.
  • VivixenneVivixenne aDAWRable! Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    Update: Just went to see if she had updated her livejournal (I know stupid, don't actually use livejournal so I just used her login) and oh look at all these entries. Wow you met a guy on australia day and went back to his place and 'intentionally spooned' (her words). Oh look at this. Met another guy and had 2 psuedo hookups and then another that ended in sex (looks like he then ditched her after that huh). This was all in Jan/Feb. Then in March there is another entry saying I like Clinton, wondering how i approach trying to get with him hahaha.

    Seems that she didn't realise that she was in a relationship. Half the shit she said about me in these posts is not pleasant either. Break up is long overdue and she just wants to get it over with (2-3 months ago, right around the time when I asked her if she wanted to break up).

    I must look like the biggest fucking fool. Seems everyone knew but me. Fuck this shit. Still hate myself and want to die. Now I hate her too.
    Your relationship is over. It sucks and it sucks even more that she could've spared you a lot of hurt by being a better person in general, but there it is.

    Checking her LJ is not something you should be doing. I hope you learned your lesson with how much worse you feel after reading it... don't do it again and don't find other ways to check up on her. There's no POINT to it. Closure should be sought for YOU, YOURSELF, and in YOUR time. It should have nothing to do with her beyond maybe you confronting her and saying the things you want to say to her, but even then, what does that give you? A few moments where you feel better for venting at her but... then what?

    The break was messy and it makes you feel horrible and I understand... but you are doing yourself no favours by seeking her out, even if it's in an indirect way by seeing what's up in her life. Your focus should be on YOU and where YOU go from here... not on you compared to her and certainly not on her activities at present.

    You have every right to feel angry and by all means, rage and rant and go out with buddies and spend the night bitching about what a terrible person she is and thank your lucky stars you're no longer with her. But don't, don't, DON'T concern yourself with what's going on in her life now.

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Maybe breaking into her LJ wasn't the best idea, if only to save your ego from even more damage.

    But yeah, you mentioned that you have a brother who you gym with. Talk it out, I guess. You still have people who give a damn about you, even if it might not feel like it some times.

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  • SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah...don't be a stalker. Move on with your life - you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    Update: Just went to see if she had updated her livejournal (I know stupid, don't actually use livejournal so I just used her login) and oh look at all these entries. Wow you met a guy on australia day and went back to his place and 'intentionally spooned' (her words). Oh look at this. Met another guy and had 2 psuedo hookups and then another that ended in sex (looks like he then ditched her after that huh). This was all in Jan/Feb. Then in March there is another entry saying I like Clinton, wondering how i approach trying to get with him hahaha.

    Seems that she didn't realise that she was in a relationship. Half the shit she said about me in these posts is not pleasant either. Break up is long overdue and she just wants to get it over with (2-3 months ago, right around the time when I asked her if she wanted to break up).

    I must look like the biggest fucking fool. Seems everyone knew but me. Fuck this shit. Still hate myself and want to die. Now I hate her too.

    Great, you gonna drive by her house later too to see if she's home? Maybe hack into her email and see who she's talking to? Let it go. She dumped you, she wanted to dump you awhile ago but didn't, probably because she wanted to avoid the stalker/creepo/clingy crap we're seeing now. But it's over and now you're being the weirdo by hacking into her livejournal to check in on her. That's creepy and you need to cut it out.

  • ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Chill guys. He didn't hack anything. People in long relationships share passwords to things, it's a little gray to use it after break-up but it happens. And checking on that shit is also normal, really it is. Break-ups are harder now a days. All this access to social media makes a clean break harder.

    I'll say again, even though it's harder now, don't waste your time hating her. It'll just take you longer to get over it.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    No, using your ex's passwords to log into their accounts to check on them and what they're doing is creepy.

  • AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    Update: Just went to see if she had updated her livejournal (I know stupid, don't actually use livejournal so I just used her login) and oh look at all these entries. Wow you met a guy on australia day and went back to his place and 'intentionally spooned' (her words). Oh look at this. Met another guy and had 2 psuedo hookups and then another that ended in sex (looks like he then ditched her after that huh). This was all in Jan/Feb. Then in March there is another entry saying I like Clinton, wondering how i approach trying to get with him hahaha.

    Seems that she didn't realise that she was in a relationship. Half the shit she said about me in these posts is not pleasant either. Break up is long overdue and she just wants to get it over with (2-3 months ago, right around the time when I asked her if she wanted to break up).

    I must look like the biggest fucking fool. Seems everyone knew but me. Fuck this shit. Still hate myself and want to die. Now I hate her too.

    Great, you gonna drive by her house later too to see if she's home? Maybe hack into her email and see who she's talking to? Let it go. She dumped you, she wanted to dump you awhile ago but didn't, probably because she wanted to avoid the stalker/creepo/clingy crap we're seeing now. But it's over and now you're being the weirdo by hacking into her livejournal to check in on her. That's creepy and you need to cut it out.

    You know what? Fuck you. I needed some closure so I looked to see what she had said the breakup. This was right in my face. And its not 'hacking' when I have used the account before to do some shit on the site myself. It logged in automatically even. I was deeply invested in this relationship and I needed to find out what happened. Maybe if you hopped off your high horse you could put yourself in my shoes. I don't know you and you don't know me or what has happened in the last 4 years.

    I haven't talked to her (god knows I want to) and I will try my best not to. I know the relationship is over.

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  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    No, using your ex's passwords to log into their accounts to check on them and what they're doing is creepy.

    if Dan Savage doesn't condemn it then neither do I

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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    This hits kind of close to home. My ex did something slightly similar, in that we broke up last year, 4 days later she was texting some guy to hook up, and 4 days after that she did the deed. In my bedroom. After asking me to be out of the apartment so she and her friends could 'party' without me around and the awkwardness that could bring. I found out about the hookup when I noticed a condom missing from the box at the side of the bed. I found out about the setup when I glanced at her phone one day when a message came in and it was... rather explicit.

    I should've known better, but I checked back a few, and found others. To this day, she doesn't know that I know, and while I remain civil when she gets in touch, I am done with her.

    I guess I'm trying to say that it'd be hypocritical of me to shit on you for checking her livejournal, but at the same time I do believe that doing such things and finding out stuff you didn't necessarily want to know does rest upon your (our) shoulders. If she was putting this shit out there for all to read, then maybe she wanted to be found out, but it doesn't matter now. It's over. You know it's over, and despite anything that might be said recently or in the future, her actions speak volumes.

    My relationship wasn't even a year old when things went straight to hell, and 4 years is a damned long time to spend with a person. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you feel, especially with her galavanting around with others and posting positively about them (and negatively about you). But it's not worth it. The anger, the hate, it's all a red herring. Just as she clearly shows no consideration for you with your actions, you are not tied to her in any way whatsoever.

    Move on. Grieve; be it over beers (in moderation) with friends, doing things you want to do to embrace your freedom once more, or just pounding out an extra hour now and then at the gym. If you want to cry inconsolably, do so. Despite her callous actions and words, you're allowed to feel terrible. It took me a month to really bounce back from things, and I'm sure you're in for some very fucking tough times.

    You have my empathy, and no matter how fucking dark a day may seem, just keep going. One day at a time, one step after the other, you'll be back to you again one day. It might take a while, but that baseline will return.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    No, using your ex's passwords to log into their accounts to check on them and what they're doing is creepy.

    if Dan Savage doesn't condemn it then neither do I

    And Abby, Margo & Prudence would find it bizarre. Apparently he thinks it's normal to snoop through even your current SO's emails, texts, etc no matter what and it's totally ok/expected to do so and that's just odd, obsessive and paranoid.

  • PitselehPitseleh Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Checking accounts is a shitty thing to do.

    But then again sleeping with dudes while you're in a relationship and openly talking about wanting to get with other ones is pretty bad too.

    In times of emotional distress a lot of things like checking an account make sense in the moment - there is information pertaining to you and exactly how you're being treated out there and you have access to it - it's logical to want to take a look at it. Sorry you got dealt the bad news that you must have been suspecting. It's brutal.

    Stop beating up on the guy for having a broken heart and making an irrational decision, it happens, and this happened. If he had been a creep checking her LJ periodically throughout the relationship this would be a far different thread.

    Alright, now, you're done. You never check her accounts again, you never look at her facebook and you delete her number. You got your one creepy free pass, but she's gone, she's out of your life, you're a ghost.

    It may go without saying but never let her know you checked her LJ, never let her friends know - it's information for you. Nothing good comes from confrontation in this case - you got your reason to leave her in the past, take it, and go. It all ends HERE.

    If anyone has a quick fix on how to deal with losing someone after 4 years I'd be suspect to their advice, just be yourself. Hang out with friends, go to work, work out - just find a sense of balance in your every day and be happy with yourself. That's all that matters now. What happened has happened, the event has passed, and now you are alone. Figure out what makes you happy while alone and without being dependent on a parter. As you go over the corpse of the last four years with a fine tooth comb, pick little pieces out of yourself that you want to improve and improve them. You can be always be a better partner. That's about all you can do.

  • MimMim Return of Saturn Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Wait, were the things on her LJ posted during your relationship or after? If during, I would suggest getting an STD test to be safe.

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  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    No, using your ex's passwords to log into their accounts to check on them and what they're doing is creepy.

    if Dan Savage doesn't condemn it then neither do I

    And Abby, Margo & Prudence would find it bizarre. Apparently he thinks it's normal to snoop through even your current SO's emails, texts, etc no matter what and it's totally ok/expected to do so and that's just odd, obsessive and paranoid.

    I think his point is more like it's a temptation very few people can resist. Especially after being betrayed and having no idea what happened to the relationship. In situations where they feel lost 95% of people will snoop.

    I agree that it is a bad thing, because trust but also because you are only going to hurt your self.

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  • AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Mim wrote: »
    Wait, were the things on her LJ posted during your relationship or after? If during, I would suggest getting an STD test to be safe.

    Oh it was during. I have had sex with her since and that is one of the first things I am doing. And I only know of one, if she can lie about all this then I'm sure she has lied before as well.

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  • MimMim Return of Saturn Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    Mim wrote: »
    Wait, were the things on her LJ posted during your relationship or after? If during, I would suggest getting an STD test to be safe.

    Oh it was during. I have had sex with her since and that is one of the first things I am doing. And I only know of one, if she can lie about all this then I'm sure she has lied before as well.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you. Do try to stay out of her LJ/facebook/whathaveyous for future reference and to keep yourself from going insane. I'm not going to lambaste you for doing it this once because I've done it myself (and with OCD in play, that made not checking super hard) but try to break the habit. See if you can't block LJ in its entirety so you won't check it.

    Considering she cheated on you and there is no room for reconciliation, I would suggest never talking to her again. Give her, her stuff, take your stuff and stay the hell away from her. She doesn't deserve your love nor your friendship.

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  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited May 2010
    While logging into her live journal is creepy somewhat I can understand and it's not like this is something you couldn't have found out without logging into her account anyways (it's live journal, all you have to do is find her page, she's already made it public).

    I honestly can't imagine how you must feel, I would be absolutely livid and...okay I guess I can sort of imagine how you feel.

    Best of luck getting over this, go buy yourself a shiny new toy, that always cheers me up.

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  • 1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Hey man, I'm sorry to hear what happened but it happens to the best of us. My advice that I can give is to just get the rage out, seriously. I took a shovel to an old broken printer that was in my house. I went Office Space on it. Screaming and everything. It really calmed me down at least.

  • zrikzzrikz Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Same thing happened to me man, except it was 5 years and instead of live journal, it was a real journal that I happened to stumble upon.... every single word increased the rage and sadness in me; just quit reading it and don't go back, it only makes you feel worse.

    I even looked at her facebook (not logging in mind you) for a good month and it just made it hurt even more seeing all of the photos / status updates and random guys posting on her wall, just delete her from your friends list now.

    I quit talking to her and everything and that is really the only fix, its hard not to look, hard not to want to talk, but it must be done. I spent a day or two writing up a big email, lots of nasty things and sent it... I don't think I really regret it, probably was not the best idea, but it made me feel better =/

    Friends right now is not possible.. maybe later.. if you really want to, but its been a year and a half and we are just now starting to communicate again.

    But as everyone has said, alcohol, friends, family, gym and just time will make it better.

    There is no cure all, but don't let all of that hatred build up.. go punch a bag or something, it helped me some =/

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