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Cancer - Updated - More confusion
LeCaustic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I certainly do not know what I'm doing at this point. Backstory - Myself and Sarah have become close friends over the past year after meeting at my previous job which I quit before going to school (So, she works there and I don't). She's always appreciated my honesty and rather jerkish/cynical/mean attitude I tend to have. I'm not a douche or jackass, I just tend to not pretend to be nice, if that makes sense. She's okay with it because I'm not deliberately mean or insulting. So, unfortunately, Sarah's (we'll call her) mother has breast cancer, which I’d known about for a while, and the Doctors never gave her a good prognosis on it. About a month back they told her that the cancer had actually regressed, which looked like good news, and I was happy when she told me that. Unfortunately, things have only gotten worse. Sarah went to Vegas with her mother when she noticed that her mom was getting worse. They took her to the doctor this past week to run some tests and immediately asked her mother to come back the next morning (Friday morning). I asked to be updated because I wanted to know what happened and I was worried. So Friday she just told me that she needed to talk to me, which I gathered wasn’t good news. I meet her for coffee and she told me the bad news. The cancer had spread to her brain and she only has a couple months to live. I didn’t know what to do and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. She started crying right there so we went to her car. I don’t know how to best handle this. I mean, I hung out with her the entire day and tried to be there for her/make her happy. I told her not to go to work because it’d just make things worse with people asking about it constantly. We walked downtown/had lunch, I even went to her doctors appointment (with her cardiologist). I figured she didn’t want to just sit by herself and cry or think about it at the moment and so I tried my best to be there and make her happy. I mean, is there a better way to handle the situation? She said that she really appreciated what I did and it really helped, but I don’t know what to do from here on out. I don’t want to do anything wrong or make things worse. I've stopped being mean around her and become more nice because I figure there's a time to act like I do and there's a time for, well, what I'm doing now. I just have NEVER dealt with eminent death, cancer, or anything like that. I don't want to do the wrong thing here (I'm actually rather scared/worry about that prospect) but don't want to become an annoyance either.
Anyone have any helpful suggestions of what to do/not do. Realize, we're not dating/in a relationship and I've never even meet her family. She came to me first and I was surprised/happy that she did, but now I don't know what to do at this point.
Anyone have any helpful suggestions of what to do/not do. Realize, we're not dating/in a relationship and I've never even meet her family. She came to me first and I was surprised/happy that she did, but now I don't know what to do at this point.
Your sig is too tall. -Thanatos
LeCaustic on
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Theres really not much else you can do. Just be there for her when she wants you to be.
However, the day she was diagnosed was the worst day of my life. Hell, last year was the worst year of my life. Cancer makes you feel like you have no control over your life... and that's just how bystanders to the actual patient feel. My wife is cancer free now. She's terrified of having to battle cancer again. It's something that completely changes your life for the rest of your life.
So what does this mean to you?
Your friend needs you to be there. Just listen. Empathize. Let her cry. Let her talk. Nothing you can say will make it better and honestly, anything you say will sound contrite. You can't relate unless you've had cancer or have/had a family member go through it, so don't offer up examples from your life experiences.
Don't push her to talk about it; just be there when she needs you.
Just be there for her, that's all you can do.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
If she lives at home, bring dinner for her and her family as the last thing anybody wants to do is cook and clean when they could be spending time with their loved ones. That was very helpful for my father and me. Also you may want to ask her if she has any errands you can take care of (drop off mail or something like that). She's going to want to spend as much time with her mom as she can.
Brain cancer is particularly bad, since it will literally eat your brain function alive around you, and it's almost always terminal
Brace yourself, basically
That's what I figured. I didn't bring up anything because I knew it was stupid. I've just been listening and letting her talk when she wants. I definitely don't bring it up other than asking how she's doing (thinly veiled attempt at seeing how she is doing but could also be interpreted as a casual question). She noticed that I was acting weird while talking/hanging out and I told her I was scared to say the wrong things and didn't know what to do. All I could think of was "just be nice and shut up". I know it's going to be worse, and that's what I'm trying to brace myself for. I told her that if she wants to talk anytime, don't hesitate.
Thanks for the help, so far. I know it's still early, which is why I'm asking now.
Hopefully your friend deals with this better than I did. I was a useless teenager and got frustrated with my mother because I didn't understand how scared she was, and thought she was being irrational. It was years after the worst was over when we were talking to a nursing student about it that I gained that bit of empathy.
That's pretty much what I've done. I have finals week and I seriously couldn't care about them in regards to her situation. I told her that. She was in the same masters program I'm in now so she says she feels bad, but jokingly told her that I need a 52 in one final to get an A and the other class I don't care about anymore because I'm already doing well in the other 4. I just don't want her to feel like she's bothering me if she does need me. Which is definitely not the case, but I don't want to act like I'm forcing her to, either.
I appreciate the advice and I'm glad to know I didn't do anything wrong when she told me.
Pretty much this. There's nothing you can say that will make the situation better for her. Just be there as her friend, and listen to her thoughts and concerns when she feels the need to unload.
Everybody goes through these things differently, and you're best served letting her determine how much she wants to talk about it. I went through my own cancer scare recently (turned out it wasn't), and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was talk about it before I even knew what it was, but my mother was determined to cry about it and tell me how everything was going to be okay, and how she wouldn't let anything happen to me. I understand why she felt this way, since I'm her only child and she was terrified, but behaving like this only served to piss me off and make me withdraw and withhold information from her, because talking with her became bouts of reassuring her, even though I was the one with something in my head.
Sorry to kind of unload there, but it serves a good point on what not to do. She and her mom are the ones that need support right now. Just be there for them, and let them determine what they need out of their support group.
Just be there for them, emotionally, physically, whatever. If she need 15 mins to just forget about life, and go do something stupid like shoot fireworks off in the middle of the day. Or they just want someone to watch a movie with. Just be there for her. Make sure she knows you just want to be by her side, and you'll always be there.
And don't talk about it unless they bring it up. Trust me, nothing worse than trying to forget bad parts of your life for 10 minuites to have someone say "So about your mom...."
Just... make her know you'll continue to be there, and be strong for her.
When I was still with my ex a few years ago she lost her mom to brain cancer. You basically just need to be there for them.
Oh man, I remember this. Every new chemo or radiation option or blood test brings on all sorts of emotions. Just listen and be there, as before. Cautiously optimistic is pretty much the way to go for these sort of developments like trying new treatment, or good test results.
It's been seconded and thirded, but this is all you can do.
The bringing food suggestion is a good one. Just make sure that they have somethings to eat or some good frozen/reheatable options.
It's kind of weird, but whenever I get bad news about family/friends, it's cooking time.
Just be there for a friend of yours, and help out in ways you can. I guarantee she will remember it later, and appreciate it, when things aren't so crazy for her.
Also, for people who have dealt with this, how does it feel when someone asks you about it?
How the hell do I deal with an oncologist who doesn't seem to be doing the right thing? They tried giving her an MRI without taking into account/looking into kidney issues and the contrast dye didn't even filter through. One oncologist says one thing, the other something entirely. They didn't seem to think late stage (IV) cancer can metastasize to the brain... or ever said anything about that. It's infuriating. Then they gave her a terrible prognosis after the 5 to 1 remission.
update isn't much, but it's unfuriating for me. I'm like a scientific robot and this is such a struggle. I'll admit that compassion/sympathy/whatever is what I suck at, but I care too much about her to fuck this up.
Things I've done -
cooked her dozens of meals
meet her for whatever in the middle of work (coffee/etc) (Don't worry about this, I'm not saying fuck work completely)
went on vacation at the last minute
Any other suggestions for what I can do to help? I've had chances to meet her mom/family, but her dad isn't a fan of me (Despite NOT meeting me, but because of my religious beliefs).
Her father might need reassurance that you aren't trying to take advantage of his daughter when she's emotionally vulnerable... and he's likely just as stressed about his wife's illness as his daughter is.
It's possible that it might help to explain that you are just trying to be a good friend, and that you really have no other designs on his daughter. ...Or it might make it worse, depending on his personality.
Please be on the lookout for your emotional state as well... it won't do anybody any good if you start resenting the help that you are giving to your friend or her family. If it's getting to be too much for you, you need to back off a bit.
As far as the oncologist is concerned... I'm sorry to say, you can't do anything. You aren't family, and the oncologist has no right to speak to you about the mother's medical issues. The best you can do is stay calm.
I think you may be getting a little too involved. And you may need to come to terms with the fact that this is not a problem you can solve. As for your friend being depressed, well, thats pretty normal. Having a parent with cancer is akin to being fed through an emotional meat grinder.
Correct, it's her mother that's sick. I don't want to cross into that too involved boundary and that's why I'm coming here to ask.
As for the other post - The father hasn't liked any guy being with any of his daughters. He refused to come to a cookout yesterday that my friends sister + husband had because he doesn't like the husband at all. That's some comfort because it makes me realize that he just has issues with guys in general (husband is definitel not a bad guy, he's helped me move into my new apartment/sold me his old furniture for a ridiculous bargain/etc.
I absolutely do not resent the help I give. I enjoy it tremendously as I'm having fun, too. And, as a note, I'm not doing these things soley with her, as other friends are coming along/helping, too.
Thanks for the responses so far.