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How much time should married couples spend apart?

ALT1138ALT1138 Registered User
edited May 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
Sorry for the wall o' text, but it's par for the course here.

So I'm an introvert. I don't really have any friends and I'm OK with that. Socializing online and with my wife and sometimes with my family is basically enough for me. My wife is a total extrovert. There have been periods when she's been OK with not socializing too much, but these days, she goes out with her friends almost every night. It's really somewhat rare that we spend a night together just the two of us, and when we do, I feel like I have to be trying super hard to entertain her so that she doesn't decide to do something with her friends instead.

I can't say for sure whether it's because she simply isn't interested in me, or she honestly thinks a married woman should be spending most of her time without her husband. Yes, I've talked about this with her, and she insists I'm the abnormal one for not having any friends, and she's the normal one. Now, I know it's not "normal" to not have any friends, but I don't think it's nearly as rare as she thinks it is. Judging by these forums, you can't go a page without seeing another "I have no friends" thread, and in each of those threads, like 10 more people chime in to say they're the same way, so I know I'm not alone in that regard. That said, I know having friends is much more common than not having them. However, my feeling is that a married couple should spend time apart with their respective friends about an evening a week, maybe two evenings. Not like 5 evenings. I think married couples should have mutual friends they mostly hang out with together, and that it should be OK to spend many if not most nights at home with just the two of us.

You may be wondering whether she's cheating on me. I don't think so, but anything is possible. She generally answers the phone when I call her when she's out, she's never out all night, etc. As I said, anything is possible, but my feeling is that she's just out with her friends like she says she is. Her friends are all female and mostly single with no or next to no love lives, so all they have is each other. If that's the life she wants to lead, maybe she should be single with no or next to no love life too. She doesn't seem to accept that there are responsibilities and compromises attached to being married. She's pretty much a spoiled rich girl. She doesn't cook, barely cleans, doesn't contribute financially, and expects to be entertained every minute of her free time. I have to ask myself what I'm getting out of the relationship. If it were emotionally easy, I'd ditch her in a second, but we're stuck on each other and whenever we split up we always wind up back together anyway.

Thoughts?

ALT1138 on
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Posts

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    If that's the life she wants to lead, maybe she should be single with no or next to no love life too. She doesn't seem to accept that there are responsibilities and compromises attached to being married. She's pretty much a spoiled rich girl. She doesn't cook, barely cleans, doesn't contribute financially, and expects to be entertained every minute of her free time. I have to ask myself what I'm getting out of the relationship. If it were emotionally easy, I'd ditch her in a second, but we're stuck on each other and whenever we split up we always wind up back together anyway.

    I can't for the life of me figure out why she doesn't want to spend every waking second with you.

    There is a huge difference between being introverted and being a shut-in, and frankly it sounds like you are very much close to that second category. Either make some compromises or prepare for the inevitable.

    And for the record, there is no set amount of time couples need to spend together, just as long as their getting their needs met. However, it doesn't sound like her needs are being met when she's with you... so, yeah that is a huge red flag.

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  • ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    If my significant other expected me to see my mates only 1 night a week she would not be my SO for very long. You see marriage as some form of a way to bind this person to you. From the way your post reads its almost as if you married this person so you would have at least one dedicated friend.

    Just out of curiosity if you guys do spend an evening 'just the two of you' what exactly does that entail?

    edit: after reading that last paragraph I cannot see for the life of me why you two are married. I get the feeling this relationship is in a lot more trouble than just "she spends too much time with her friends." You seem to really resent your wife. What's up with that? You complain about how she demands to be entertained all the time and then complain when she goes out with her friends and entertains her self? Have you ever asked to go out with her? If you guys spend time together is it always at home or do you go out together?

  • RaneadosRaneados Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    your last thread was about your current girlfriend not wanting to have sex

    you married this person? In the month from that thread to this one you decided to, and did, marry that girl?

    Dubh wrote: »
    Rane is the future of ancient greek tradition
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    She doesn't contribute financially? that's an issue


    It seems like you are both causing problems

    you do need to be more sociable, for the sake of both of you

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  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Oathbreaker KingslayerRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah you make it sound like she is the worst person.

    You have all these ideas about her.

    You need to get out of your shell and sacrifice for this woman.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Raneados wrote: »
    your last thread was about your current girlfriend not wanting to have sex

    you married this person? In the month from that thread to this one you decided to, and did, marry that girl?

    Sounds like not that girl but a different girl, whom he married in less than a month if this is true.

    http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showpost.php?p=14567670&postcount=2402

  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Oathbreaker KingslayerRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    He may be posting for someone else?

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  • LucidLucid Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Sounds like you really love your wife. It's a wonder she doesn't want to spend all of her free time with you. I mean who wouldn't want to hang out with someone who secretly resents them.

  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    . . . yeah, my Troll sense is firing off...I read the OP and thought, "Hey..weren't you that one guy with the no-sex...,"

    What the hell man, how long have you guys been married?

  • Captain VashCaptain Vash Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    You don't make plans,
    you harbor resentments,
    you want to break up with your wife,
    you suspect cheating (even if you have logic that "disproves" this),

    and you expect your wife to sit around the house and do nothing with you when she could be out with her friends?

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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Tube's Favorite Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Raneados wrote: »
    your last thread was about your current girlfriend not wanting to have sex

    you married this person? In the month from that thread to this one you decided to, and did, marry that girl?

    Sounds like not that girl but a different girl, whom he married in less than a month if this is true.

    http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showpost.php?p=14567670&postcount=2402

    Looking at the facts, Doctor Metalbourne can make a diagnosis:

    Counseling.

  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    You are an introvert who enjoys being alone. Your wife is an extrovert who enjoys being around people. It seems to me that if she goes out with friends most nights, you both have what you want. I mean, what do you expect your extrovert wife to do every night? Sit home and stare at the wall?

    From your attitude here, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to spend more time with you.

  • HenroidHenroid Nobody Nowhere fastRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I think that finding out how your normal living conditions and meshing / spending time together work out before marriage makes for a good idea.

    The answer isn't easy though; what matters is if you're both happy with how things are. If the answer is yes, then you've found how much time you two, as a married couple, should spend apart. Spending every waking moment isn't a good thing, mind you, as is the opposite.

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  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    She's pretty much a spoiled rich girl. She doesn't cook, barely cleans, doesn't contribute financially, and expects to be entertained every minute of her free time. I have to ask myself what I'm getting out of the relationship. If it were emotionally easy, I'd ditch her in a second, but we're stuck on each other and whenever we split up we always wind up back together anyway.

    I hate to sound mean, but why put yourself in such a self destructive relationship?

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  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    So, I'm pretty sure this is a troll, but I'm going to pretend it isn't and give my advice anyway, just in case...

    It doesn't even sound like you LIKE your wife. You shouldn't feel like you're "stuck" with the person you're married to. That's pretty fucked up, dude. If this is the same woman as the other thread, maybe you should have fixed the issues in that relationship first before jumping into marriage. OR, if this is a new woman, maybe you should have waited a BIIIIT ( A LOT ) longer than a month to marry this chick, enough to learn if you LIKE her or not. Marriage is kind of a big deal, dude.

    Also, yes, going out 5 nights a week with her friends is excessive. If those friends were mutual, and you were tagging along it would be better, but even then. It doesn't sound like she wants to spend time with you, and it doesn't sound like you want to spend time with HER...you just sound lonely as fuck. Enough to marry a chick within a month that you resent.

  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal Flo-ridaRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    If you don't do any social activities at all together and she doesn't contribute financially (and in fact spends your money by going out every night), then what you have is not a marriage, but something much worse.

    As an aside, couples should share at least some friends. It's unusual if she doesn't even invite you out with her at least once or twice, I think at least.

  • ALT1138ALT1138 Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Whew, I don't know what I posted that warranted such hostile reactions. OK, I get it, in a perfect world, I would be more social. I have let her know I am willing to compromise. I *do* want mutual friends. I am invited out with her and her friends some of the time, and I accept some of the time. I don't generally have the best time with a bunch of girls talking about their classes and in-jokes. If I'm willing to compromise by not getting bent out of shape about her going out with them and by coming out with them sometimes, I would like it if she compromised and didn't go out with them 5+ nights a week. What's the point of being married then? Seriously, what do I get out of this relationship?

    What do we do when we're alone together? Well, we go out to fancy dinners every night we're together, movies, concerts, museums, skiing in the winter, etc. I love going out with her but it's exhausting trying to keep her entertained, and exhausting on my wallet too. I make a good salary and I'm not saving any money because it all goes to dating her. But god forbid we ever stay at home and eat in and watch something I want to watch, or play video games or something. She'll always find something better to do, in that case.

    Any resentment between me and my wife is not secret. She resents that I'm not social, and I resent that she's too social. I love her to death, and she loves me too, and we're really kind and loving to each other when we're together... but in trying to think logically, I imagine I'd be better off with an introvert and she with an extrovert. If we weren't together, I wouldn't have to feel like I want to keep her from doing what she likes. I would definitely prefer to make it work between the two of us though.

    And yes, that other thread was about me too. My wife and I have been separated for many months now, and we still technically are, but we're trying to make it work now. She knows I was dating and vice versa. We're not doing that anymore. I didn't expect you super sleuths to remember that other thread and I was hoping to keep them separate. I could give you my entire life story but I was trying to stick to just the facts relevant to this particular issue.

    I love how most of the "advice" in this forum is people being nasty, sarcastic, and passive-aggressive toward the OP's. I can't believe it's not against the rules to sneer at people when they post the innermost problems of their lives. I should know better than to come to a gaming forum for advice, but there are occasional scraps of wisdom so I always keep my fingers crossed. "Counseling" is about the only valid advice I've seen so far, and we may very well be doing that in the near future. She has expressed an interest, and has mentioned her graduate program has free relationship counseling, but she has not looked into it further or scheduled any appointments. I told her she should. Me being more social is good advice in general, I'm sure, but I'm 29 now (she's 26), and I don't know how easy it would be for me to change who I am. I'm not lonely, I just don't feel a need to hang out with other people. I have a genetic predisposition toward introversion. My aunt was just telling me about how my uncle, who has two great kids and a great wife, now, in his 50's, just made his first friend. I have a cousin who's way worse than I am - she doesn't even pick up the phone when her family calls. Her mother is pretty much cut off from the family, too, due to introversion.

    I may not feel a need for friendship, but I do have a need for love. I don't expect my wife to have being my friend be her full-time job, but I would like to spend more than one or two nights a week with her, and I would like to feel like it's not MY full-time job to entertain her. Why doesn't she make any plans for us? Why is it always my job? Should your spouse really be the person you see least in your life?

    What makes people think this is a troll? What do you get out of not taking my post at face value? What would I get out of making up stories like this? If anything, 80% of the responses have been trollish. I appreciate the level-headed ones, though. I can see how the last sentence of my OP might have sounded a little harsh, but I was just trying to be succinct. What I meant by "stuck on each other" was that we've split up several times during our 11 year relationship, but we can never learn to love anyone else, because we love each other too much. We both have had other relationships and broken other people's hearts over the fact that we are unable to get over each other. On paper, if we could get over each other, we might be better off, but I don't really want to get over her, because I love her. I think she feels the same way, but it seems she's not willing to put in any effort.

    I shouldn't have said as much as I did in my OP... I should have probably kept it to the simple question in the title... all I wanted was a sense of how much time per week is normal or acceptable for a couple to spend without each other...

  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Oathbreaker KingslayerRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    So you insult us, then you keep asking questions.

    Nice.

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  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    They think you might be a troll because of your previous posting history from about a month ago:
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    why is it that all the girls I want most are flawed in some fundamental way? Last one, would not do intercourse (I started a thread about that one in H&A). Now I'm talking to one who probably can't have kids. Is it too much to ask for a sane girl who likes sex and might be able to bear children?
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    I'll try to keep this short. I met a girl, she's pretty great. Eventually when we're being intimate, she tells me that she's unable to have sex, for medical reasons. I didn't press the issue and ask questions yet; feel free to speculate on why she might be medically unable to have sex. Now I face a moral dilemma. I would feel like a total ass for dumping someone because there's no hope of having sex, especially since we really seem to have a lot in common and a lot of chemistry besides that. On the other hand, I'm a 30 year old dude, and the prospect of possibly settling down with this woman and never being able to have sex again is horrifying. But then I think about her, and if it's true she can't have sex, then I feel bad for her and don't want to rob her of a promising romantic relationship due to something out of her control. Then on the other hand again, if I were castrated or something, it would be awful and a lonely life, but I don't think I'd feel right or secure making someone who likes sex and wants to have it settle down with me. What would you do in this situation? cut and run? give her a chance? I should ask her for an explanation of why she can't have sex, regardless.

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    Any resentment between me and my wife is not secret. She resents that I'm not social, and I resent that she's too social.

    Oof. You two are very mismatched, and if you're openly resenting each other that's really really really not a good thing.
    "Counseling" is about the only valid advice I've seen so far, and we may very well be doing that in the near future.

    That's an excellent idea, and will hopefully improve the communication between you two and make it really obvious which issues the both of you need to work on separately, and as a couple.
    She has expressed an interest, and has mentioned her graduate program has free relationship counseling, but she has not looked into it further or scheduled any appointments. I told her she should.

    OK, it's WE SHOULD. You're married, marriage counseling is a WE decision in which the both of you as a couple should agree to make the appointment together. It's not something you fob off on your already resentful significant other as something she has to do, because then it becomes yet another item for the both of you to resent and be angry at each other about.
    Me being more social is good advice in general, I'm sure, but I'm 29 now (she's 26), and I don't know how easy it would be for me to change who I am.

    I hate to break it to you, but that's sort of what counseling is about - not changing yourself drastically, but learning to compromise and work with your partner. If you're going into these theoretical counseling sessions with the attitude "I'm perfectly fine, she should just learn to deal with me" you're going to have a painful awakening. A more appropriate attitude for you would be "Yeah, I'm uncomfortable being social, but I love my wife enough that I'm willing to compromise and maybe hang out with her and her friends occasionally, and find some family/friends of my own."

    Counseling is HARD. It's WORK, and it requires tons of effort.
    I may not feel a need for friendship, but I do have a need for love. I don't expect my wife to have being my friend be her full-time job, but I would like to spend more than one or two nights a week with her, and I would like to feel like it's not MY full-time job to entertain her. Why doesn't she make any plans for us? Why is it always my job? Should your spouse really be the person you see least in your life?

    If you're content with sitting at home doing nothing and spending time alone, don't expect your partner to give up her social life to mimic you. And why the hell should she be your social coordinator? Get off your ass and plan something for the two of you.

    Remember that compromise thing? Yeah, if you want her to reciprocate, you have to put in equal effort.


    Going to be honest here, it really doesn't sound like you want to be married.

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  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Spending too much money eating out. That's about it. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    How much time two people spend together is completely subjective.

    And don't get pissy when you don't like what you hear. Honestly, the trouble in this situation seems like it's coming from you. If your wife is not a shut in, and you are, it's simply not going to work. Sounds to me like you're trying to suffocate her. I'd bet anything that if she had a husband who kept a somewhat normal social life, she wouldn't go out every night. Sounds also like she just doesn't want to be around you, and from your responses, I wouldn't want to be either.

    EDIT: On a side not, who do we petition to eliminate "alt advice" in H/A? Message Thanatos directly or just put in the Issues forum?

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  • MimMim Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    And here I thought this was going to be about Sex and the City 2.

    Sometimes its okay for married couples to spend time apart. Vacations with friends, or just whole days of not seeing each other. Its your relationship and you two make your own rules. Just don't expect people on the outside of your relationship to actually understand what you two have decided works for yourselves.
    Spoiler:

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  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited May 2010
    For what it's worth, I'm exactly like you. My husband isn't exactly extroverted, but he does like to go out and see his friends a lot more than I have any intention of leaving the house for any reason. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a homebody if you are capable of holding down whatever activity (work/school) you need to do.

    I would think someone was crazy who wanted to be out that much, and it would bother me a lot, but then I wouldn't marry someone who wanted to be out that much. If things have changed and you aren't into each other anymore, you should look into either marriage counseling or divorce or both. From what you say it sounds like you guys are stuck in a cycle together that you can't break for no reason other than fear. It sounds like you don't even like each other all that much, and I think if you actually managed to break that cycle you guys could move on to be happy and fulfilled either with other people or alone.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

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  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    On reflection, my parents also consist of an introvert and an extrovert. My mom always has a million activities planned or in the works. My father is a homebody who doesn't like going out often. Their relationship works because they have accepted this about each other. My mom goes out and does activities with her friends and my dad stays home and does his own activities (woodworking and such.) Maybe you need something of your own you can do at home to keep yourself entertained.

    If you really want someone who will stay at home most nights, I suggest re-separating with your ex-wife, because I doubt that's ever going to be her.

  • SpawnbrokerSpawnbroker Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    She resents that I'm not social, and I resent that she's too social.

    See this right here? You need either some major counselling, or a divorce. Married people should not resent each other. Before you come back and defend your words and how 'that's not what you really meant' I would think about this, because obviously you did mean it. You shouldn't resent your significant other, and if you do something is very, very wrong.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    On paper, if we could get over each other, we might be better off, but I don't really want to get over her, because I love her. I think she feels the same way, but it seems she's not willing to put in any effort.

    And neither are you. You want her to sit home and play video games with you and watch TV and stop going out but you won't go out with her and her friends because it doesn't entertain you. While at the same time complaining that when you're sitting home watching TV she gets bored and needs to be entertained. You're not willing to put in much effort outside of bitching about how she needs to change and how you're too old to change.

    Seriously, it's becoming more and more clear why your wife wants to spend time out with her friends instead of home with you. From your posts here as well as the other posts you've made on the subject, it seems that you want a homebody who will be happy with sitting at home watching TV and watching you play video games 5 nights a week while popping out babies. If that's what you want a social, extrovert is the not going to be that.



    Side note: Esh, I'm so on board with eliminating H&A alts as well.

  • CognisseurCognisseur Registered User
    edited May 2010
    Hm... how to approach this thread gently...

    1. You could probably use some individual counseling. I think it's that the way you say things manages to combine being assertive with being controlling, and the combination isn't pretty. Your resentful comments about your wife, your expectations for how women should act, and your generally low comments about women aren't particularly attractive.

    I think you need to generally work on a new outlook on life because you currently appear to be a pretty negative and resentful person and I can understand how it would alter your perception of people (wife, women in general) and your evaluation of events (like hanging out with her friends).

    2. This has been mentioned but there is a difference between introvert and shut-in. My father is incredibly introverted, but he still has a certain social life... just an introverted sort. Your isolation seems to be more of a problem than a personality trait, to be truthful. This is why I'm strongly recommending some counseling.

    3. You probably shouldn't be with this girl. That's probably why you guys are separated. For every 5 couples I've seen that have major separations and the people get back together, I'd say 1 of those couples did it for the right reasons and managed to make it work, and the other 4 did it for all the wrong reasons. Judging by what you say, you really sound like you're in the '4 couples' group. Your reasoning for why you guys should be together is that you're "stuck" together, and have a decent time when you're together (which is rarely?). Meanwhile you resent her openly, she's falling away from you, and you have very opposite personalities. You guys just sound like you're afraid to break up with each other and face the world anew so you keep crawling back to what is 'comfortable', regardless of how crappy it is.

  • Captain VashCaptain Vash Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    It doesn't sound to me like you love each other, it sounds like you're comfortable together and don't know how to function outside of this broken co-dependence.

    Now that might be the extreme negative side of the scale, but I'm just feeling out the vibe I get from your posts and with the evidence that we have while by no means is it a certainty, but it is not without foundation.

    I agree with the posts that say you should attend couples counseling, as a couple, and I do also agree that you would benefit from individual counseling, just so that you can talk to someone in an environment where someone who's trained at this can present you with the facts of what you're saying without seeming so confrontational.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Get a divorce, and next time you have relationship trouble try leaving the house and finding some support there. You need to get out more.

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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2010
    jesus, why do people who are either very extroverted or very introverted marry someone who's the complete opposite and expect them to change to suit their lifestyle? you married a social lady
    deal with it or get out of the marriage and set her free

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  • IogaIoga Registered User
    edited May 2010
    It sounds like you're practically already separated. End this quickly and divorce.

    Though, I'd love to know how you were in a relationship and eventually decided to get married to this woman without ever understanding this basic difference in your personalities.

  • sidhaethesidhaethe Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Okay, I can relate in *some* sense to the OP because I am an introvert as well (I can be extremely gregarious and outgoing in social situations, I just find them draining afterward, so I can't do them that often). My fiance is more outgoing and likes to go to events, throw parties, etc. BUT he is a homebody like me most of the time, just less of one than I am.

    When I was single I would get out a lot more because I would get lonely, but being around my fiance pretty much completely fills my social meter, like the OP describes with his wife. My fiance gets that, but still likes to go out and do things, and I'm all for him doing it whenever he wants (in his case, maybe twice a month). If he wants to throw a party at OUR house, though, I ask for a week's notice to psych myself up, and I participate as much as I'm comfortable, which is usually, but not always, the whole event. This is a reasonable compromise for the both of us.

    Sounds like your wife is wayyyy more extroverted than my fiance, and you are more introverted than me. I can't say I think this is a great match for the two of you, for obvious reasons and through the use of my imagination. but you're already in it, so you need to figure out how to make it work (well, or, as others have said, you should look into ending it; but as others have said that, I won't promote it in my reply). I think you are going to have to compromise/sacrifice a LOT if you want to spend more time with your wife, and work on that resentment; she will most definitely not want to stay home with you as much as you'd like or SHE will be miserable. Don't think she's trying to leave you behind or cheat on you or whatever; try to understand that staying home with you as often as you want to would be as draining and uncomfortable to her as going out all the time seems to you.

    Being outgoing can be trained with practice, to a degree; if you think of it as an act ("I am loving this! I love being around people! This is exciting and interesting to me!") it might be easier to pull off for a few hours, and then go home and sleep it off if it wears you out. Good luck.

  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited May 2010
    Side note: Esh, I'm so on board with eliminating H&A alts as well.
    No.

    The reason it's allowed is that there are many genuine OPs in need of H/A who, for one reason or another, are worried about friends and family picking up on a commonly used identity. The idea is not to discourage people from asking for advice when they need it, especially if a problem is serious enough to the poster that they feel the need to bother in the first place, because that's what this sub-forum is for.

    Unless something has changed from once upon a time, the mods can easily tell who is making an alt to cause a problem and act accordingly. If you think that the OP is a troll, don't sit there and say "lol troll" all over the thread; some threads that sound downright retarded to you may actually be serious. Report the thread and let the mods take care of it.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    all I wanted was a sense of how much time per week is normal or acceptable for a couple to spend without each other...

    There is no answer for this. It's entirely dependent on each couple.

    PSN: allenquid
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2010
    Quid wrote: »
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    all I wanted was a sense of how much time per week is normal or acceptable for a couple to spend without each other...

    There is no answer for this. It's entirely dependent on each couple.

    exactly
    and I think it says a lot about the OP that he thinks there is a set amount of time per week that's "acceptable" for all relationships

    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Wow..man you gotta understand your own feelings first here. I'll break down what you wrote and what I was thinking while I read it - then perhaps you can understand some of the vehement responses that have occured.

    " I am invited out with her and her friends some of the time, and I accept some of the time. I don't generally have the best time with a bunch of girls talking about their classes and in-jokes."
    So its not only that she has friends, but its friends you don't enjoy, doing things you don't enjoy. So you two don't actuall have a shared social life, you live different social lives and its causing contention.


    "What's the point of being married then? Seriously, what do I get out of this relationship?"
    Marriages don't have a pay-out schedule or an achievements list to unlock. It sounds like you envision it as a more give/take ratio and she may or may not share that outlook. Its important to understand that peoples views on marriage differ greatly, and in making a declaritive requirement/statement makes those of us who are married and not sharing that view very defensive in our responses indicating that our marriages dont work like that.


    "But god forbid we ever stay at home and eat in and watch something I want to watch, or play video games or something. She'll always find something better to do, in that case."
    Again, you have different interests, but here is the resentment factor. You feel that because you spend all the time doing things she wants to do and <IMPORTANT> things you HATE </IMPORTANT> that she should reciprocate. What you may misunderstand is that she may not get that you hate doing those things and that you just do them for her. Hell, YOU may not even understand that. But from what you're writing, thats what it seems like.


    "If we weren't together, I wouldn't have to feel like I want to keep her from doing what she likes. I would definitely prefer to make it work between the two of us though."
    But how? Your viewpoint seems to be one where you expect her to change and you to have to do nothing, because you're already doing everything. You already put up with it, you already work around it, you already do IT ALL....now you want HER to have to do it.
    But your missing the other half of that puzzle...she thinks she does it all already as well. She has to explain why shes out alone all the time, she has to plan things around your need for being anti-social, she's probably got the same viewpoint here she ALREADY DOES IT ALL..and now its your turn!
    ... See the endless circle?


    "And yes, that other thread was about me too. My wife and I have been separated for many months now, and we still technically are, but we're trying to make it work now. She knows I was dating and vice versa. We're not doing that anymore. I didn't expect you super sleuths to remember that other thread and I was hoping to keep them separate."
    Dude, you realize that its one click away right? Click your NAME (ALT1138) in the forum posting and it pulls your history instant. It wasnt like we went all Dick Tracy on your life.
    The history is important because from your initial postings it sounded like you want to pretend is an isolated or sigular issue - it isn't - this is all related. We are screaming counseling at you because you're having problems dating and you're having problems being married..the universal constant in all these is YOU. This is not to hang some kind of banner on you that says U SUK LOL, its because you're in the middle of an emotional train wreck and you've gotta get out of it! You guys are only hurting yourselves and each other and its so very unnecessary.


    "I'm not lonely, I just don't feel a need to hang out with other people. I have a genetic predisposition toward introversion. My aunt was just telling me about how my uncle, who has two great kids and a great wife, now, in his 50's, just made his first friend. I have a cousin who's way worse than I am - she doesn't even pick up the phone when her family calls. Her mother is pretty much cut off from the family, too, due to introversion."
    So are you trying to convince us you are normal or that you are abnormal? You're making contradictory statements 1. I should be more social 2. My family says being anti-social is how we all are and we are perfectly normal and happy. It's odd, I'm not sure if your talking to us or yourself in that paragraph. Do you want to have one friend when you turn 50? Do you want to never answer the phone when people call? Do you want to be cut off from your family?
    I'm not asking these things to attack you, I'm asking these things in earnest - Do these things appeal to you? Do you think of these and then think..."man..if only I could do that"?


    "What makes people think this is a troll? What do you get out of not taking my post at face value? What would I get out of making up stories like this? "
    You are on the internet. This is the land of Tubgirl, Meatspin, and bad ratios of Girls & Cups. Anonymous human beings are fucked up in terrible ways. I couldn't understand why you'd make shit up, but that doesnt mean that you wouldn't make shit up. That why people say - Don't feed the trolls. We see you talking about girlfriends and then talking about wives, we're going to be judgmental because we're jaded...this is the Internet.

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    ALT1138 wrote: »
    I love how most of the "advice" in this forum is people being nasty, sarcastic, and passive-aggressive toward the OP's. I can't believe it's not against the rules to sneer at people when they post the innermost problems of their lives. I should know better than to come to a gaming forum for advice, but there are occasional scraps of wisdom so I always keep my fingers crossed. "Counseling" is about the only valid advice I've seen so far, and we may very well be doing that in the near future. She has expressed an interest, and has mentioned her graduate program has free relationship counseling, but she has not looked into it further or scheduled any appointments. I told her she should. Me being more social is good advice in general, I'm sure, but I'm 29 now (she's 26), and I don't know how easy it would be for me to change who I am. I'm not lonely, I just don't feel a need to hang out with other people. I have a genetic predisposition toward introversion. My aunt was just telling me about how my uncle, who has two great kids and a great wife, now, in his 50's, just made his first friend. I have a cousin who's way worse than I am - she doesn't even pick up the phone when her family calls. Her mother is pretty much cut off from the family, too, due to introversion.


    What makes people think this is a troll? What do you get out of not taking my post at face value? What would I get out of making up stories like this? If anything, 80% of the responses have been trollish. I appreciate the level-headed ones, though. I can see how the last sentence of my OP might have sounded a little harsh, but I was just trying to be succinct. What I meant by "stuck on each other" was that we've split up several times during our 11 year relationship, but we can never learn to love anyone else, because we love each other too much. We both have had other relationships and broken other people's hearts over the fact that we are unable to get over each other. On paper, if we could get over each other, we might be better off, but I don't really want to get over her, because I love her. I think she feels the same way, but it seems she's not willing to put in any effort.

    I shouldn't have said as much as I did in my OP... I should have probably kept it to the simple question in the title... all I wanted was a sense of how much time per week is normal or acceptable for a couple to spend without each other...

    There are three main issues here. The first here is that yes a lot of sarcasm in these posts because I'm sorry you problems aren't "special" they're just your problems. I have a joke post that says that all posts in H/A are the same. You either need to grow up, confront the problem, check to see if the thing is on, go to the doctor or angry sex. Yours is pretty clear what you need to do is confront the problem in an adult manner, from there there is a handful of specific advice, but everyone's problems are different.

    The problem is that people (in this case you) don't want solutions, they want to be right lets be honest here, in your opinion the best case response from this thread would be "yes, you are right your wife doesn't spend enough time home would be" but this isn't SWYWTH (Say what you want to hear) this is H/A you need to deal with the fact that people tell you things you don't want to here, this is because actual practical advice is hard work. I'm not trying to be mean here, but if it was easy you would have done it already.

    In regards to the complaint of "Why am I a troll" context is the most important thing you can provide. Checking previous threads does immensly help because it adds extra information that you forgot. When you have previous posts talking about recent ex girlfriends and then a wife does raise issues. Because that isn't usually, and I'm sorry people do make fake posts here.

    In regards your actual problem, there is no particular amount of time you have to spend with her. Different people require different amount of time together. I have friends that are married and do Fly in Fly Out jobs at mines and they do fine in marriage as well.

    But the issue here isn't the amount of time here. It seems like the only time you want to spend time with her is at home by the computer. How is that fair for her? It has been established that she likes to go out. Maybe she would like to go out with you? It seems that you need to open up a dialogue with your wife and say that you want to spend more time with her. But like I also said, you need to realise that you just can't make her change to you, you need to compromise together.

  • MatriasMatrias Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    The fact you are consigning yourself to live in your shell for the rest of forever tells me you are doomed in this, and your marriage is doomed.

    I'm sure there are other things going on, but it is not okay you are unsociable. It is not okay to be a shut in. It is not okay to expect the same for your wife and resent her for wanting more. Marriage is about compromise, and you are not compromising. Also compromising is not letting your wife go out. Compromising is going out with her and having fun.




    Your post history suggests this is all made up anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter.

    3DS/Pokemon Friend Code - 2122-5878-9273 - Kyle
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Its perfectly okay to be a shut in.

    its not okay to force someone who does not want to be a shut in, to be a shut in, for the sake of a marriage. Incompatible people just shouldn't get married.

    Tube-san wrote:
    I apologise for my rudeness desu.
  • MatriasMatrias Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    Its perfectly okay to be a shut in.

    its not okay to force someone who does not want to be a shut in, to be a shut in, for the sake of a marriage. Incompatible people just shouldn't get married.

    well, having lived a year of my life as one, I will have to disagree, but I guess that's another topic...

    In any case, if the OP wants to save his marriage, it's not appropriate for him to continue that sort behavior - as you say it's so incompatibale something has to change or the relationship is doomed. It's reasonable to expect unsocial people to come out of their shell and become social, it's unreasonable and actually really selfish to expect the opposite.

    3DS/Pokemon Friend Code - 2122-5878-9273 - Kyle
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