Meeting People Back at Home

Don_Julio

Hey all, posting anonymously for personal reasons.

Life Story/Situation

This is my second summer back home from college and this time its different. For the last two summers I joined the Army Reserve, and did the split option planning (it means I went to BCT 08 and AIT 09). Furthermore, after I received my bonuses from the Army as well as saving my money from BCT/AIT I don't have to get a job this summer since my finances will be alright.

Overall, I have nothing going on. Naturally, I tried hooking up with friends from high school, but with bad results. For the most part, I'm assuming (assumption time!) that after we graduated I missed that "bump" where everyone in my group realized that they didn't quite have anything in common after high school was over, fought, and went their own ways. (Reason being I hung out with a lot of the jocks and "popular" kids) My own group for example pretty much "forgot" that I existed anymore for some stupid reason (Or maybe because they liked me giving them the answers to pass their classes and now that they were done with HS they didn't need me anymore). The few that did talk to me pulled the "Call me dude, lets hang out sometime" , to which when I did call them they wouldn't answer or would bullshit me.

Moving forward. I've made plenty of friends back at college, however, the #1 Problem about college friends has kicked in. Distance. Most of my friends live everywhere. While my closet friends live roughly 20-30 miles away and we've hung out a few times that distance however starts to rack up where hanging out more than once a week is a little, costly, when it comes to fuel. For the most part, we're friends at school. At home however, its facebook friends.

Last, I hit the old buddies from the block. However, problems with these guys come up. For the most part, I was the youngest from my group on the block. The time I entered high school these guys were graduating high school, or even going to college. Now that I'm graduated, and going to college these guys got their degrees, are enjoying life before marriage, etc. When I first got home the group and I all hung out a few times, but as time goes on restrictions kick in. The best friend from back at home works a lot, so hes unable to hang out more than once a week, if that. Its work, eat, sleep, hang out with fiance, if time to hang with friends he does that, but its usually no more than once every few weeks. The other guy I hang with, well, there's no nice way to put it. He, his friend, and his fiance are bums. They prefer to drink in his basement, whine about life, get fatter, and knock on my ambitions and self esteem (Because they don't want to take risks) Anyway, enough about them.

Last, my sister has offered me to hang out with her and her friends. HOWEVER, her friends are into drugs and all that bad stuff. With an aspiring military career I prefer not to associate myself with these kinds of people) As for my brother, heh. Hes that "fat guy" from the South Park WoW Episode. (No joke) and refuses to leave our house.

TLDR : First real summer vacation with nothing Army related going on that prevents me from having a full summer. I have no social connections left in my home town because everyone went their own ways, are to busy, or I refuse to associate myself with. Furthermore, friends from college live to far away to do anything meaningful for more than once a week.

Self Pity and My Ideas

Basically at this point, I have no social connections left in my home town. I'm trying to find ways to get active and meet people, but its really hard back here at home. I'm starting to get a little depressed tbh. I mean, I work out a lot and in good shape. In fact, I've been asked by friends (from college and a the few that I still talk to back at home) and family on why I'm still single. They've even told me there is no reason why I should still be single (Females mentioned that I'm attractive, good looking, and have a good personality), the guy friends mentioned that I'm in great shape, sociable, and a "good guy".) This kinda makes me feel slightly more depressed. Sitting in my room playing video games all day get old fast, I want to get out and have fun. However, I just don't know how to do this exactly. Which is where I'm asking for ideas and what not. I have had a few ideas which I'll list below. But in all, I'm feeling like I've lost my way.

Idea List

I've thought about trying to find various intramural sports in my areas, but a lot of them seem to establish that you need friends to start them or are cliqued off.

Church. Despite being agnostic, I've thought about going back to church and starting to help out with the events the church has to do within the local area. Though what turns me off is that I'm not exactly sure if the church crowd would be pleased with my life style since I do like to indulge on alcohol and have fun with the ladies (Not sex mind you) every once in awhile.

Bars. Why not go alone? I've been told that going to the bar alone is a great sign of confidence. However, the jag bag from above that bashes on my self esteem convinced me at one point that going to the bar alone is a sign of being a "faggot" and being "lonely"

TLDR : Basically I'm getting depressed about being at home. I've been told that I'm a great person and that there is no reason why I should be living this current life style. However, I've "lost my way" and haven't a clue on how to rebound myself out of this situation other than toughing it out till school starts in August.

JohnnyCache

jesus. You need to relax. If you go to a church where no one drinks, you're probably not in america.

why "not sex, mind you?" Finding and boning a person can be a fun time. You're old enough to kill people in iraq, you're old enough to wrap your protuberances in plastic and insert them into willing and happy people.

How "Into drugs and all that bad stuff" are your sisters' friends? How big of "bums" are they?

That "jag bag" probably doesn't ever get laid. He surrounds himself with loud friends so he can go "look at that fag, bros" when he sees someone, say, dancing with a girl.

What makes you think everyone "fought" during that "bump?" People do just drift apart. You've got no reason to be mad at HS friends for moving on - it sounds like you are in the process of doing same and just bored. Hell, why should the "townies" amuse you for six weeks before you go back to your real life?

There are serious overtones of being a little too uptight to hang out with people from your hometown in your post. I'm not saying its conscious, but you might want to give it the serious thought that anonymous criticism from the internet warrants.

Here are some easy things:

You workout. Do this in public. Run in parks. Lift in a gym. Take a martial art.
Go places. If you're going to sit and read a book, do it over a cup of coffee some where instead of at home.
Involve yourself in things. You were onto something with church, but there's a disconnect - you don't sound like you actually like church. There are things going on in your community every day.

You got a AAA baseball or arena football team? You can go to those games for the price of a movie and meet local people who will be in a default friendly and social mode.

Bars are also fine. Not every bar is a singles club. You can do things in bars like pool and darts. Bad at them? Ask for tips. Good at them? Give tips, join a league.

Be busy awesome guy, not sits in the corner guy. Even when the "sitting" is just as busy as the "being busy" (Ie "Working out at home" vs "going for a jog at the park/beach")

If you have money, you could also try things like SCUBA diving or other hobbies that have a built in fraternity. If you don't have any money, hey you can still surf.

Don_Julio

JohnnyCache wrote: »

why "not sex, mind you?" Finding and boning a person can be a fun time. You're old enough to kill people in iraq, you're old enough to wrap your protuberances in plastic and insert them into willing and happy people.

Ehh, I've had a rough patch. Basically the first two girls I was with ended up having STDs. The first one her boy friend after me ended up telling me that she had herpes and that if I fooled around with her to get myself checked (She apparently infected him with it and refused to tell anyone she was in a relationship with or past boy friends. Wait, isn't that a crime?). The second had something, she never told me what, but told me that she was glad that we didn't do anything other than kissing during the few dates we had. Mind you, I've had sex. However, I prefer to wait at least a month or two before jumping into a girl's panties.

How "Into drugs and all that bad stuff" are your sisters' friends? How big of "bums" are they?

Cocaine.

Bums - Her friends or mine? If mine. Well, sit in basement, drink 40 ozers, play Magic the Gathering, and cry about life.

That "jag bag" probably doesn't ever get laid. He surrounds himself with loud friends so he can go "look at that fag, bros" when he sees someone, say, dancing with a girl.

If this was two years ago you described him. Today hes still this, but has a fiance whose controlling. He ends up trying to control me, but for the most part. I'm to independent.

You workout. Do this in public. Run in parks. Lift in a gym. Take a martial art.
Go places. If you're going to sit and read a book, do it over a cup of coffee some where instead of at home.
Involve yourself in things. You were onto something with church, but there's a disconnect - you don't sound like you actually like church. There are things going on in your community every day.

I already go jogging six miles around my town. For the most part I get the occasional girls that scream the random "Hey sexy!" type of comments or the dbags that yell a variant of gay at me. Which no matter what is yelled at me motivates me to keep on pushing.

Gym Membership - I have a pass at a LA Fitness. I've met a few prior service guys and a 16 year old whose interested in joining the military. Other than that, its just been mediocre in that category.

Bars are also fine. Not every bar is a singles club. You can do things in bars like pool and darts. Bad at them? Ask for tips. Good at them? Give tips, join a league.

So basically it is okay to go to the bars alone then? Like I said, that dbag convinced me that it isn't okay.

Be busy awesome guy, not sits in the corner guy. Even when the "sitting" is just as busy as the "being busy" (Ie "Working out at home" vs "going for a jog at the park/beach")

Even at college this is me right here. I've been described as a social butter fly at parties and at the gym. For some reason this same mode hasn't been clicking for me at the gym. I've kinda assumed that its the different age groups that intimidated me.

ceres

It sounds like you're going to have a lot of time to fill and kill. My advice is this:

Get a job.

Seriously, something seasonal (so they won't expect you to stay past the beginning of your next term) and part-time (just enough so you have somewhere to be sometimes, but not enough to interfere with any social life you want to have). It really sounds like you're the kind of person who needs to have something to do with himself, like you won't be happy sitting around. However little you may need the money, having someplace to be keeps you aware of what day it is, and gives you an activity to focus on if your friends are busy.

The other advantage is that, while you don't need the money, you can make your income from this pastime into your recreational budget, so that you eat into your savings less when you do go out. Just something to think about.

dispatch.o

ceres wrote: »

It sounds like you're going to have a lot of time to fill and kill. My advice is this:

Get a job.

Seriously, something seasonal (so they won't expect you to stay past the beginning of your next term) and part-time (just enough so you have somewhere to be sometimes, but not enough to interfere with any social life you want to have). It really sounds like you're the kind of person who needs to have something to do with himself, like you won't be happy sitting around. However little you may need the money, having someplace to be keeps you aware of what day it is, and gives you an activity to focus on if your friends are busy.

The other advantage is that, while you don't need the money, you can make your income from this pastime into your recreational budget, so that you eat into your savings less when you do go out. Just something to think about.

This is good advice.

Get a job at a restaurant as a dishwasher or something. Typically there are a whole lot of part-time staff, some of which will be in a similar situation. Some of those people will inevitably be pretty cool folks who you may be able to make friends with and/or hang out with after work.

You will make tips (normally) so you'll have a few bucks in your pocket every night. Shifts aren't usually full time either so it will be somewhere that you have to go, but it wont take much of your week up.

Kyougu

Meetup.com

This is going to depend a lot where you're at (Dallas apparently is a huge meetup city, other's are dry holes) but I found it to be a lifesaver. I moved to Dallas, knew no one and started using it. Some groups sucked (Little members at events, or unfriendly people) but I finally found a group that clicked. And from there I started making friends, to where I do stuff outside of the group with them. And I'm doing lots of cool stuff.

So try it out. Look for volunteer groups, hiking groups, people of your age group. Stay away from single and dating oriented ones though, those are generally awful.

PkErthbnd

I'm going to second Ceres and dispatch's advice: Get a job. I recently moved back home (only an hour away from where I was at University, mind you) but it's still a "foreign" place, especially after you've laid your roots in another town. At least to me, everyone I went to high school and grew up with seems like a stranger. It's hard as well, because unlike college, there's not anything forcing you to meet people, ie. class, dorms, groups, etc.

You also said you didn't have to get a job this summer, but why not? You've got money saved up, why not save up more? Nothing will be worse for your morale than just sitting at home. If you just run the same path in your town every day, you're not meeting people. (Besides the yelling type. And in that case, they might be more freaked out if you approached them and asked to hang out.) I would advise you to get a job, even if something VERY part-time. Regardless, you'll not only meet co-workers, who in turn know more people in your town, but you also have the chance to meet regulars at where ever you work, which is a great way to get to know people too. It doesn't matter what you're doing, just pick something you think would be fun to do for a summer and do it.

To answer your other question, I think it's perfectly fine to go to bars alone. Having bartended for 2 years, I can tell you firsthand that if you go to a bar enough, are approachable enough, and "take care" of your bartender then they'll more than likely (you might have to ask them first, ymmv) introduce you to other people like yourself. Heck, I still talk to a guy that used to be a regular at the place I worked at, even after I quit. You might even meet some friends from high school that you never talked to, only to find out that they're in your exact same position.

All in all, the best advice I have (and am taking for myself) is to keep yourself busy with something. Learn a new skill. Master that video game you never beat. Get a job at a movie store and pick a new movie (or director, or genre, or language) to watch every week. Just because you aren't in school doesn't mean you should stop learning! I understand completely how frustrating it is just sitting at home without your normal surroundings, and if you ever need someone to vent to then PM me and I'll be more than happy to listen and rant back.

Tef

Have you thought about going travelling? Packing up a backpack and going somewhere in south america or even accross the pond to europe? I spent $5k on a holiday around western europe which was on the other side of the world for me and in a relatively expensive region. If you're funds are a bit tighter then you can go for pretty cheap to eastern europe and I'd imagine south america would be cheap as ships for you guys.

Get out for a bit, go and backpack around; you'll meet so many great people and hopefully it'll take your mind off the stress you're obviously feeling

JohnnyCache

i also had the thought that you could probably travel or something. Or go where your friends are. You aren't chained down at all.

oldsak

I've met lots of people by going to bars alone and just hanging out.