I have recently started writing reviews again...and well, matthasaproblem got me The Critic
for the Secret Satan thing...anyhoo, I thought that we could start a thread where we share various reviews. Movies are probably easiest.
Now this isn't a what are you watching, or going to watch/read, whatever thread. Provide a preview.
Here are some samples of my "work".
[quote=SW Ep III
]George Lucas is a giant fat head. He's got the Death Star of skulls. The only thing larger than his bulbous head is his ego. The man is hubris incarnate. Hell, I bet Zeus would masturbate frenetically at the thought of Lucas's eventual comeuppance. All of that aside, Mr. Fathead has finally made another Star Wars movie that is worth watching. Some people might even call it excellent. Shocking, I know.
As Episode III opens, we see the Republic locked into a bitter struggle with the Separatists. General Grievous, an asthmatic and possibly Russian super cyborg has kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker charge off to save the day, as Jedi often do. Anakin's rescue and interaction with Palpatine then sets off a series of unfortunate events, culminating in his transformation into the clad in black badass we all know and love. Oh, and Padme is preggers.
The action, space and landbased, was much more enthralling than what we were exposed to in the other prequels. Lucas finally gives us a great starship battle and he puts it right at the beginning of the movie. Thanks, Fathead! Even better, it's not ruined by an irritating little shit precociously saving the day. Fuck, I hate little kids in movies. I do like watching capital ships blast each other with abandon as their crews are sucked out into the void. The vacuum of space is a harsh mistress and we'd all be wise to learn this lesson. There are Wookies and they do kick some ass, but don't worry, Lucas practiced some restraint and you won't have to endure an hour long furry fanservice festival.
The light saber brawls were impressive, most impressive. Obi-Wan is quick to chop a limb off. I would have enjoyed seeing a few more examples of offensive use of the Force, but that's a little nitpicky. One thing I've wondered about is why don't the Jedi turn off the other guy's light saber during a duel? Do they have anti-Force locks on the suckers? I think it'd be a great move. "Nice block... if I hadn't switched off your saber, chump!" It is kind of silly watching the Emperor fool around with a light saber. He looks more like a greeter at Wal-Mart than a fearsome fighter. Maybe if he used a light walker to fend off his opponents. Yeah, I'd buy that.
The acting and the dialog are not the best that you will ever catch on the big screen; however, McGregor has improved upon his performance as Obi-Wan and you can really see what a wily bastard he is. I love how although he's not the strongest or the best fighter out there, he makes up for it in trickiness. Hayden Christensen is still pouty as Anakin, but he's no longer courting Padme so there's little talk of sand and how it is unlike human skin. I think Portman may have been pumped full of Valium during shooting. Her acting in the prequels has been a remarkably spot on impersonation of a two-by-four. I really have to wonder what Lucas does to his actors before he begins shooting. CG Yoda was actually a cool character this time around. Sure, he once again busts out with Super Force Kung Fu, but it wasn't nearly as laughable as the stuff in Episode II. Perhaps the technology has improved or maybe it was the choreography. Difficult to say, it is.
I thought the nods to the vehicles of the original trilogy were great and added a lot for fans of the original trilogy. Space fighters bear a distinct resemblance to X-Wings and TIE Fighters. Troop transports are clearly evolving towards AT-AT impressiveness/foolishness. It was a fairly subtle homage, especially for Lucas. The opening battle provides a great showcase for the ancestral designs. I hope they make a space fighter simulator from this movie. I loved the old X-Wing and TIE Fighter games.
It's refreshing to not cringe for two and a half hours as I watch a new Star Wars movie. Don't get me wrong, this movie is not flawless, but there are far fewer "What the fuck were you thinking, Lucas?" moments. See this in theaters you must. [/quote]
My Catholic upbringing surfaces in odd ways from time to time. One such way is the desire to serve penance for real and imagined sins. I have no fucking idea what I must have done to have felt the need to watch Hackers from beginning to end.
Bad does not begin to describe this movie. Gut wrenchingly awful is closer to the reality, but even then, I don't think I'm doing the movie justice. There are many things wrong with this movie. Its use of slang is appalling, the age of the cast is woefully inappropriate for highschool students, and the costumes are uniformly stupid. It's as if some grossly retarded refugee of the Paris fashion circuit escaped with a secondhand account of Xtreme sports' outfits and set about to make his mark on the Hollywood costume scene.
The promised glimpse of Angelina Jolie's breasts is inadequate to maintain interest in this movie. The actors/actresses are horrid with Lorraine Bracco and Matthew Lillard being the worst of the bunch. Lillard is awful as usual. He plays a shrill-voiced, whacked out technoprophet named Cereal Killer. I would pay good money to spend some quality time with Lillard and a baseball bat, but I digress. The use of flashy graphics to describe the hackers' intricate computer world is annoying and trite. There is no emoticon that adequately expresses my disgust at watching a virus labelled "Cookie Monster" chomp down on doughy bits of data.
Despite it's mountainous pile of flaws, Hackers does have one good feature and that's the soundtrack. So kudos to whoever put that together, assuming that they haven't killed themselves out of shame for being attached to this project.
With all of its faults, it's hard to pick out one thing that is especially bad, but that won't stop me from trying. The dialog earns the honor of most godawful thing that weaves this pile of shit into one spectacular tapestry. Peppered with phrases such as "elite" and "hacking the Gibson," you'll wish you had never learned the English language. I can only hope that Hackers has not been translated into too many other tongues. If it has, our politicians will have their hands full in trying to contain the damage. [/quote]