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Herpes Dillemma

Handsome CostanzaHandsome Costanza We sell products......and get in ROBOTS!Registered User regular
edited July 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
First off let me start by saying that it actually is my friend who has herpes. No it's not me and I'm just trying to cover for myself. If I had herpes I would tell you. In fact to avoid all the "your friend is you" controversy let me just come out now and say that I have herpes.
Spoiler:


Now that that's out of the way lets get down to business. So my friend recently admitted to me after much speculation that he had contracted herpes from his previous succubus soul sucker of a girlfriend. Now he has a new girl he's with. Here is my question: Do I tell his new girl that he has herpes?

I'll agree that it's none of my business. But Don't I have a civic duty to warn her? I mean thats like stopping a crime in progress right? I have no idea if I should infringe on the trust my friend bestowed on me but as one of the only people who knows the truth I feel compelled to tell her. He's already had sex with her so it may be too late if he was having an outbreak.


Should I warn her or leave it be? Frankly I'm worried that this is going to start an epidemic throughout my community of friends since we all know the same people.


Whadoido?

Handsome Costanza on
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  • EshEsh Sunshine! Kittens! Rainbows! Smiles! Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    First off let me start by saying that it actually is my friend who has herpes. No it's not me and I'm just trying to cover for myself. If I had herpes I would tell you. In fact to avoid all the "your friend is you" controversy let me just come out now and say that I have herpes.
    Spoiler:


    Now that that's out of the way lets get down to business. So my friend recently admitted to me after much speculation that he had contracted herpes from his previous succubus soul sucker of a girlfriend. Now he has a new girl he's with. Here is my question: Do I tell his new girl that he has herpes?

    I'll agree that it's none of my business. But Don't I have a civic duty to warn her? I mean thats like stopping a crime in progress right? I have no idea if I should infringe on the trust my friend bestowed on me but as one of the only people who knows the truth I feel compelled to tell her. He's already had sex with her so it may be too late if he was having an outbreak.


    Should I warn her or leave it be? Frankly I'm worried that this is going to start an epidemic throughout my community of friends since we all know the same people.


    Whadoido?

    You tell him to tell her. If he doesn't, then you tell her. Anyone who has sex (protected or not), who has a venereal disease, and who does not tell their partner is not a friend worth having.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."
  • WhiteZinfandelWhiteZinfandel Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    First off let me start by saying that it actually is my friend who has herpes. No it's not me and I'm just trying to cover for myself. If I had herpes I would tell you. In fact to avoid all the "your friend is you" controversy let me just come out now and say that I have herpes.
    Spoiler:


    Now that that's out of the way lets get down to business. So my friend recently admitted to me after much speculation that he had contracted herpes from his previous succubus soul sucker of a girlfriend. Now he has a new girl he's with. Here is my question: Do I tell his new girl that he has herpes?

    I'll agree that it's none of my business. But Don't I have a civic duty to warn her? I mean thats like stopping a crime in progress right? I have no idea if I should infringe on the trust my friend bestowed on me but as one of the only people who knows the truth I feel compelled to tell her. He's already had sex with her so it may be too late if he was having an outbreak.


    Should I warn her or leave it be? Frankly I'm worried that this is going to start an epidemic throughout my community of friends since we all know the same people.


    Whadoido?

    Talk to your friend, tell him he really needs to get tested and warn his new girlfriend. If he refuses... I would say you should tell his girlfriend.
    Spoiler:

    Spoiler:
  • SmokeStacksSmokeStacks License Number 137596Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Are you positive he hasn't told her yet? Your friend is a real piece of shit if he hasn't. That is something you absolutely have to divulge before you make sexual contact with anyone, no exceptions.

    This is something that can negatively change someone's life forever, and I feel that she needs to be informed. By you, if your friend refuses.

  • Handsome CostanzaHandsome Costanza We sell products... ...and get in ROBOTS!Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Are you positive he hasn't told her yet? Your friend is a real piece of shit if he hasn't. That is something you absolutely have to divulge before you make sexual contact with anyone, no exceptions.

    This is something that can negatively change someone's life forever, and I feel that she needs to be informed. By you, if your friend refuses.

    That is a good point. I'm not positive. Hell they could both have herpes and be trying to keep it private for all I know. Although I highly doubt it.



    I'm pretty sure they just got together yesterday and have already fucked. I'm 99.9% certain he didnt tell her anything like that. And I know people who were with her right before she got with him (like a 2 to 3 month span) and she didn't have herpes then.

    We sell fights and get into products.
  • LachrymiteLachrymite Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    "If you don't tell her, I will."

  • SmokeStacksSmokeStacks License Number 137596Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Hell they could both have herpes and be trying to keep it private for all I know. Although I highly doubt it.

    I didn't even think of that, but it's definitely a possibility. You might just not know about it because she isn't comfortable telling other people, even if you are all from the same group of friends. The timeline doesn't support it, but who knows.

    I'd ask him about it.

  • Handsome CostanzaHandsome Costanza We sell products... ...and get in ROBOTS!Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Hell they could both have herpes and be trying to keep it private for all I know. Although I highly doubt it.

    I didn't even think of that, but it's definitely a possibility. You might just not know about it because she isn't comfortable telling other people, even if you are all from the same group of friends. The timeline doesn't support it, but who knows.

    I'd ask him about it.

    And so it shall be.....





    There is going to be a pretty heavy conversation taking place at the ole Disk Golf course tomorrow.


    Which brings me to my next question: Can you get herpes from Disc Golfing with someone?
    Spoiler:

    We sell fights and get into products.
  • L Ron HowardL Ron Howard Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Spoiler:

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  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited July 2010
    If he's on the fence, you can tell him that most places in North America have no problem whatsoever with charging someone with aggravated sexual assault for concealing or lying about a venereal disease and then bestowing it upon another person.

    Even getting charged with a sex crime will make the rest of his life extremely, extremely difficult.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • CarnarvonCarnarvon Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Think of it this way: If you were going to have sex with your friend, he would lie about having herpes to you.

    Not really a friend worth having indeed(assuming he refuses to tell her).

  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Anybody could have herpes, and be totally unaware of it, some individuals never show symptoms. There is a blood test that looks for antibodies for Herpes I and II, a good doctor would need also outbreaks and lesions to be 110% sure.

    This girl could be carrier of the virus, and you too. This could become a snowball, he should tell her.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited July 2010
    Fantasma wrote: »
    Anybody could have herpes, and be totally unaware of it, some individuals never show symptoms. There is a blood test that looks for antibodies for Herpes I and II, a good doctor would need also outbreaks and lesions to be 110% sure.

    This girl could be carrier of the virus, and you too. This could become a snowball, he should tell her.

    Yes which is well and good but if his friend knows he has herpes and he conceals it and she contracts it, he can find himself under a mountain of (fully justified) legal trouble.

    Tell him to tell her. If he won't, you should. If he doesn't want to be your friend after that, you should probably just shrug and move on with life.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • ceresceres Love is in the battlecry Nevada, USASuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2010
    Make certain he hasn't told her, because if he has this is moot. If he hasn't, tell him he'd better for his own sake. If he only just found out, give him some time. Unless you were sitting outside their room you don't know they fucked, and you don't know what he's told her. Stop with the epidemic crap because, unless your group of friends regularly greet each other with genital contact, he's the only one who will have herpes just because he has herpes. It is not communicable via air. :P

    She really may already know though. If he's not having a breakout at the moment it's not a dire emergency, and herpes is largely controllable with medication anyway. It's not a reason not to tell her, but it IS a reason not to fucking panic all over yourself. Some ridiculous percentage of the US population has some form of herpes and doesn't even know it because it's just extremely virulent and severity of symptoms varies from person to person.

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  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    From a medical point of view, you have no right to disclose anyone else's health information, especially if it is speculative.

    However, you can urge him to get tested and to warn his partner about his medical concern.

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  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    In fact, as Ceres said,
    you all have herpes
    allllllll of you
    they don't even bother to distinguish simplex types anymore

    39kEWYh.jpg
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Also, everyone male and female needs to get their Gardasil shot.

    39kEWYh.jpg
  • EshEsh Sunshine! Kittens! Rainbows! Smiles! Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    From a medical point of view, you have no right to disclose anyone else's health information, especially if it is speculative.

    What does that have to do with anything? It's not very speculative either. His friend said "Hey, I've got herpes."

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."
  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    From a medical point of view, you have no right to disclose anyone else's health information, especially if it is speculative.

    However, you can urge him to get tested and to warn his partner about his medical concern.
    This is only applicable if you are a doctor.

    And he told you under a doctor/patient situation.

    Like pheezer said, in many places in is a crime, a month or two ago I saw on the news a dude going to jail for purposely having sex while HIV positive with unknowing women.

    Just have a word with him. If he says he hasn't done it tell him to do it, because A) it's a illegal, B) how the fuck did he feel when he found this out?

  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'm pretty sure it is horribly inappropriate to "warn" others of your friend(s)'s alleged diseases. His disease state is his personal business and it is not okay to warn others about his speculative disease state without

    A. Proof that he has the disease
    B. He has disclosed that he has MEDICAL diagnosis of the disease
    C. You know he plans to not take proper precautions with his disease state

    Even then, you need to think long and hard about your moral highground.

    If this dude went on WebMD, he probably thinks he has herpes and twelve other conditions.

    My point is, don't do anything rash without talking to your friend first.

    39kEWYh.jpg
  • EshEsh Sunshine! Kittens! Rainbows! Smiles! Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'm pretty sure it is horribly inappropriate to "warn" others of your friend(s)'s alleged diseases. His disease state is his personal business and it is not okay to warn others about his speculative disease state without

    A. Proof that he has the disease
    B. He has disclosed that he has MEDICAL diagnosis of the disease
    C. You know he plans to not take proper precautions with his disease state

    Even then, you need to think long and hard about your moral highground.

    If this dude went on WebMD, he probably thinks he has herpes and twelve other conditions.

    My point is, don't do anything rash without talking to your friend first.

    No one said to go straight to the girl.

    And it's not a "moral high ground" if he's infecting other people. I don't care how many people have various types of it.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Well if you violate someone's medical trust without a real threat, yeah you may not have that friend anymore.

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  • QuidQuid The Fifth Horseman Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    If they're violating someone else's trust without informing them of the risk then that's probably not a terrible thing.

  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'll reiterate for the last time, make sure your friend has the disease before you disclose his alleged disease to his significant anyones.

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  • EshEsh Sunshine! Kittens! Rainbows! Smiles! Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'll reiterate for the last time, make sure your friend has the disease before you disclose his alleged disease to his significant anyones.

    Yeah, we get it. No one is arguing this.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."
  • Handsome CostanzaHandsome Costanza We sell products... ...and get in ROBOTS!Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'll reiterate for the last time, make sure your friend has the disease before you disclose his alleged disease to his significant anyones.


    To clarify, he has a giant herpes welt/bump/zit on the left side of his lip and his ex-gf went to a gynecologist recently. She told him she gave him herpes so I'm assuming her gynecologist told her that. The giant herpes welt and him saying to me "I have herpes" were the two things that let me know he had it. Now whether or not he's gone to the doctor about it I do not know but why would he tell someone he has herpes if hes not even sure?



    This thread is making me crazy because I am going to jail if I don't tell on him but if I do tell on him I'm violating some sacred medical code and I'm going to jail. Now I have to go to a doctor and look up his patient records or I'm going to jail. For doing that I am going to fucking jail. Then I also have to look into his mind to see if he's going to maliciously infect anyone but how am I going to do this from jail? Everyone knows jail cells block out mind reading powers.

    this thread TLD;R:

    My friend has herpes, and I'm going to jail for it.

    We sell fights and get into products.
  • FagatronFagatron Registered User
    edited July 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    Stop with the epidemic crap because, unless your group of friends regularly greet each other with genital contact, he's the only one who will have herpes just because he has herpes. It is not communicable via air. :P

    So outside of San Francisco it isn't customary to greet others with a dickslap?

  • ceresceres Love is in the battlecry Nevada, USASuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2010
    Fagatron wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    Stop with the epidemic crap because, unless your group of friends regularly greet each other with genital contact, he's the only one who will have herpes just because he has herpes. It is not communicable via air. :P

    So outside of San Francisco it isn't customary to greet others with a dickslap?
    Only in the south. Also, herpes on your mouth and herpes on your penis aren't always the same thing, and while you CAN transmit genital herpes that way, if she saw him and he had a gigantic welt on the side of his face, that was probably a really good clue for her. I doubt she just said to herself "Oh my God, what the fuck is that herpes-like opening on his face? I bet it's strawberry jam," and then never spoke of it again.

    If she heard from her and she said she went to her gyno, that's not a diagnosis. That could even be her trying to freak him out about a cold sore (also herpes, but different herpes).

    In short, until he says to you "I was just tested for herpes and I have herpes" you are probably not going to jail, and you probably shouldn't go freaking out everyone he knows on that basis. He should tell his girlfriend and he should get tested, and I would argue that if he gets tested and has it and doesn't tell her you probably should, but right now you don't actually know anything.

    JohnDies_zpsfe6c609e.jpg
    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • SiskaSiska Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Well if it is on his face, it could be type 1. Which is not something you need to run around and warn people about. Because one they can see it and two over 70% of the worlds population has it. Just don't kiss any babies if you are having an outbreak, basically. Now, if his ex had type 2, he needs to get tested for that as that is the one that most commonly causes outbreaks around the genitals.

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  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited July 2010
    My friend has herpes, and I'm going to jail for it.

    No, not at all. You won't go to jail at all if your buddy gives someone herpes without warning them, HE can. You're just morally obligated to speak up if you can confirm he refuses to.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread The fuck am I looking atRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Do you tell his new ladyfriend?

    NO.

    It's none of your goddamn business. HSV is not some life-threatening epidemic that must be eradicated by all means--it's probably the most benign STD in existence. It gets a bad rap because its sufferers have long been associated with sleaze and stupidity (i.e., fucking dirty girls or not using protection), but I'd wager that most people contracted it while in a normal relationship.

    Now, if you're concerned, you can talk to your friend about it. Make sure he's being safe--absolutley no genital contact during an outbreak, strict condom use, keeping up on his medication, avoiding bodily fluid-swaps, etc--and if he is, then the risk of her contracting Genital Herpes is incredibly low. If not, well, he's an asshole and your next course of action would be to cease being his friend.

    That's it. Telling her would be an extremely assholish move on your part, and likely and unnecessary one, too.


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  • LandwehrLandwehr Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'm not sure exactly what responsibility you have to your friend or to his girlfriend. I think that's up to you to decide. But you do have a responsibility to educate yourself about STDs in order to make a decision that is fair and rational, rather than informed by prurience and hysteria. In your original post, you referred to your "civic duty" to tell the truth about your friend's herpes, you likened his sexual act to a "criminal act", and referred to your fear of a Herpes epidemic ravaging your community of friends. The way you describe the situation leads me to think that you don't actually know very much about Herpes. If you did any research on Herpes, you would know that about 58% of adults have HSV-1 (oral herpes) and about 15% have HSV-2 (genital herpes). Many of your friends probably already have herpes. So, your friend isn't going to start a herpes epidemic. Spreading herpes is not literally a criminal act. No one has ever been charged or prosecuted for doing so. Certainly in the case of herpes, which is a relatively minor STD, fear, shame, and embarrassment have caused far more pain than the actual disease. So you have a responsibility to educate yourself about herpes and think about the issue in a mature, empathetic way, before you decide what to do.

    P.S. I think you should convince your friend to get tested and then convince him to tell his girlfriend if he is positive.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User
    edited July 2010
    Your friend should get tested to be certain but until he knows what's going on he should keep it in his goddamn pants. Honestly, test results come back pretty quick these days, it's not like his dick is going to fall off if he doesn't have sex for a week.

  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    To clarify, he has a giant herpes welt/bump/zit on the left side of his lip and his ex-gf went to a gynecologist recently. She told him she gave him herpes so I'm assuming her gynecologist told her that. The giant herpes welt and him saying to me "I have herpes" were the two things that let me know he had it. Now whether or not he's gone to the doctor about it I do not know but why would he tell someone he has herpes if hes not even sure?

    His ex might or might not have herpes. She could be lying. If she's not lying, she could just assume that she gave it to him, I don't know that it's safe to assume a 100% chance of transmission.

    He really needs to get tested, and soon, even if he does have a giant herpes-like sore on his face.

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  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread The fuck am I looking atRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Yeah, VisionO'Clarity and Septus make excellent points--until he's been blood-tested or has an outbreak on his junk, he can't be certain that he has HSV. A cold sore is not the same as Genital Herpes, even though it's the same virus. It lives in the area that it infects and doesn't travel on its own, so he (and you) could just be seeing a cold sore and saying ZOMG HARPIES.


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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User
    edited July 2010
    Anytime someone you've slept with says "I found out I have this STD," you should get tested. Most insurances should cover it and planned parenthood has a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User
    edited July 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    I doubt she just said to herself "Oh my God, what the fuck is that herpes-like opening on his face? I bet it's strawberry jam," and then never spoke of it again.

    I just felt like this didn't get the attention it deserved.

    Also, it's something I was thinking as well.

  • adytumadytum Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Also there are free clinics widely available. Often state or county health services will offer free, anonymous testing.

    There's no reason not to get tested.

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  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    It is disturbing the way the OP reacted to all this, his "supposed" friend is not a Leper that must be separated from society like an outcast.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    I doubt she just said to herself "Oh my God, what the fuck is that herpes-like opening on his face? I bet it's strawberry jam," and then never spoke of it again.

    I just felt like this didn't get the attention it deserved.

    Also, it's something I was thinking as well.

    Yeah, I mean, she probably noticed the giant cold sore. He should get tested and you should encourage him to get informed and inform his GF. Did he specifically tell you that he isn't going to tell this chick that hes got herpes all over his face?

    But, like every one says, yes he should get tested. Dont go freak out his girlfriend like you're saving her becoming a pustule covered zombie, she should be taking preventative measures but herpes is not the end of this dudes right to have sex, he just needs to disclose.

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  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Since everyone is throwing around herpes terms, I think it's important to note that having the HSV-1 virus is still a concern, since it can be transmitted to the genitals during oral sex.

    If your buddy is saying he has a cold sore, he has HSV-1. If you buddy is saying he has welts around his dong, he has HSV-2. Either virus can be transmitted to the genitals. It just depends which of your naughty bits you're rubbing together.

    In either case, the guy should be more up-front with this girl if he does have an STD. Even HSV-1 is an STD given the right circumstances. You should at the very least encourage your friend to share this information with his partner.

    That is not to say that if you have a cold sore you need to scream it from the rooftops or you're a sleaze bag. But if you're at that point in a relationship where your uglies will be bumping, that is when you need to let people know that you have a transmittable disease.

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