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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "pony [chat]", by Dread Pirate Arbuthnot

AldoAldo Hippo Hooraythe swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
edited August 2010 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
Aldo has reported a post.

Reason:
Winky has rear exit problems that are not helped at all by his toilet practises.
Winky wrote: »
I just had the worst poop ever.

First of all, we are all out of toilet paper and we have no money. Like not enough money to drive to the store and buy toilet paper. So we have gone through all the tissues, papertowels, napkins and coffee filters in the house, and now I've resorted to wetting printer paper before crumpling it up and using that.

But that wasn't the really bad part. The really bad part is that my ass was just dripping blood. Enough to dye all the toilet bowl water bright red.

And then it got clogged.
Post: pony [chat]
Forum: Debate and Discourse
Assigned Moderators: Elki, ElJeffe, Irond Will

Posted by: Dread Pirate Arbuthnot
Original Content:
Sarksus wrote: »
Actually pay the five dollars to Cass so she writes a fanfiction about this.

Winky stared at the sink as it filled with a torrent of gushing water. Gently, he eased a new piece of computer paper off the top of the pile. It creased in his hands, sharp and fresh like the scent of pine on a summer breeze.

"You'll have to do, old girl." he whispered, staring at the pile of poop stained coffee filters collected at the garbage in front. "It's time for you to serve your country."

The computer paper silently drifted free of Winky's hand and embraced the cool embrace of the tap water. Winky settled down to do his business. His thoughts drifted to happier times. He remembered Christmas morning, when he was but five years old. His tiny legs could barely toddle down to the brightly lit tree. As he tore open the colorful packaging, he screamed with joy at the contents - his own pack of toilet paper.

"It's yours now son." his father whispered, cradling the tot in his arms. "It's your legacy. May your ass always be cradled by the finest of fabrics."

With great regret, he pulled the soggy computer paper out of the sink.

"I'm so sorry." The regret exploded from his lips as he reached down towards his moist anus. "Father...."

The first torrent of blood ripped forth.

*e:
Winky wrote: »
Nerdgasmic wrote: »
why did you buy any video games at all if your finances are that tight

I bought SCII two weeks ago.

I mean, I knew things were going to be tight then, but not so tight that we wouldn't have necessities. My mom kind of sprung the "we have no money until Friday so make due" on me very recently.

I'm sure she wasn't really paying attention to how much money we had either.

I'm just really worried about her now because she's already taken out a really awful loan and now she's in debt. The sooner I move back into school the better. I just hope I can convince my dad that my mom shouldn't have to pay any of it, because she seriously fucking can't!

"Dad I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."

That is a pretty convincing argument.

I mean not even re: the debt.

Just about anything in general.

"Winky can you take the trash out?"
"Dad I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."
"I'll...I'll take it out myself."

Winky I feel like you should treat your elders with more respect because-

Dad I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood.

"Son, why were you doing 65 in a 45?"
"I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."

"Oh my God! There's a dead hooker and a brick of cocaine! Winky, what have you done??"
"Dad, I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood." /thousand yard stare
"Let me help you hide the bodies, son."

"Who the fuck took my car antique car on a joy ride?!"
"Dad, I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."
"....I'll call an auto body."

"Oh god my stocks... my IRA... all emptied out and spent on Farmville cash..."
"Dad, I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."
"I'll... I'll go fill out a McDonalds job application... I love you, son."

"YOU LOST 74 PLEX IN EVE ONLINE?!"
"Dad, I had to wipe my ass with computer paper and the toilet filled with blood."
"I'll start the miners back up..."

Aldo on
Elendil wrote: »
said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
·

Posts

  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    "I'm so sorry." The regret exploded from his lips as he reached down towards his moist anus. "Father...."

    I'm giving it 5 stars for this right here

    that's it, I'm shutting this entire forum down, everyone thank buttcleft
    ·
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
  • AzadIsCoolAzadIsCool Registered User
    edited August 2010
    o_O

    wut

    I- I can't even rate this. This is unratable. Why would anyone feel the need to share this?

    leftaq.jpgcenterv.jpgrightz.jpg
    ·
  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2010
    Because it's embarassing, beautiful and horrifying all at once.

    ·
  • BobbleBobble Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    wow.

    That is all.

    Just wow.

    ·
  • simulacrumsimulacrum Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Dear god.

    ·
  • fightinfilipinofightinfilipino omfg Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    terrible.

    beautiful.

    beautifully terrible.

    ffNewSig.png
    twitter | steam | 3ds: 4227 1731 4009
    ·
  • PasserbyePasserbye The Woman Who Is Not Short at The Moonlite All-Nite Diner; a glass box full of bad food and good people.Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Eeeesh.

    4 *s.

    ·
  • HenroidHenroid Nobody Nowhere fastRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Dread Pirate is easily one of my favorite people here. 5 stars.

    Edit - I mean seriously.
    The first torrent of blood ripped forth.
    That's some epic shit. So to speak.

    "Ultima Online Pre-Trammel is the perfect example of why libertarians are full of shit."
    - @Ludious
    PA Lets Play Archive - Twitter - Blog (6/15/14)
    ·
  • HacksawHacksaw J Duggan Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Well thanks again, Cass. Once again you've created something that's going to give me nightmares for weeks to come.

    ·
  • HakkekageHakkekage Space Whore Academy summa cum laudeRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    oh my god cannot stop laughing

    From start to finish, it is a thing of glory

    5 million stars

    3DS: 2165 - 6538 - 3417
    ·
  • TL DRTL DR Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Cass, pick a charity. I will send them $20. In the "From:" field I will write "So that no anus may be touched by printer paper forevermore"

    g1nalluk2ox1.jpg
    ·
  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Cass, pick a charity. I will send them $20. In the "From:" field I will write "So that no anus may be touched by printer paper forevermore"

    On the off-chance you're serious, I support the Toronto Hospital for Sick Children, or Child's Play which benefits that hospital.

    0wSr10c.png?1
    ·
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    pfffffaahhaha

    3DS friendcode: 2380-4618-2503
    ·
  • ShrieveShrieve Game Designer CaliforniaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I don't know why Sarksus is bringing up payment for writing a fan fic for this. This is the sort of shit you go pro bono for.

    FkbtS.png
    ·
  • WinkyWinky Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I want you all to remember, while you're praising Cass for being all clever and hilarious or whatever, that is was my anus that bled for your entertainment.

    ·
  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I was laughing so hard I squeaked.

    ·
  • atat23atat23 Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    each part by itself is awesome, so 15 stars!

    ·
  • Captain CarrotCaptain Carrot Harrisonburg, VARegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    maybe your money should go to winky for some toilet paper, Leary

    ·
  • Zilla360Zilla360 Spaaaace! In Space.Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    :lol: :lol:

    my lungs

    oh gawd my lungs

    5*

    ·
  • EndEnd Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    maybe your money should go to winky for some toilet paper, Leary

    I'm tempted to fedex him a big box of toilet paper.

    I saw its soul, envied its pride, but needed nothing it had
    zaleiria-by-lexxy-sig~medium.jpgsteam~tinythumb.png
    ·
  • RyadicRyadic Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Winky.

    Can I adopt you?

    You can be like my pet monkey or some shit.

    Also, use a fucking t-shirt to wipe your ass... Or a towel. I mean, you have to have one shirt that's practically ripped to shreds anyways cause you wear it so much.

    steam_sig.png
    ·
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