Line Integrity Test

Lilnoobs

Well, nothing really that formal though it sounds pretty rad.

Basically, I'm looking for some focused feedback on a poem. Do the line breaks work or are they too fumbling? What do you think/feel about the lines themselves and where/how the lines break?

Of course anything else is fair game, but I'm particularly playing around with enjambment a bit more.

Spoiler:

He looked up at the night
and the night was blinded
by lamp posts scattered
evenly the black sky without a wrinkle
and his feelings of revelation as bright
incandescence, deemed everyone
a poet
including the poet next to him she
closed her fist white
knuckles a soft blue
vein stretching up
and continuing up as she raised to him
her middle finger
a bit like a student raising her hand
i have a question, i have
questions, listen to me

wogi

I had to read through this a couple of times. It feels like its a little disjointed towards the end. Though for the most part, the line structure works pretty well.

Lilnoobs

wogi wrote: »

I had to read through this a couple of times. It feels like its a little disjointed towards the end. Though for the most part, the line structure works pretty well.

Thanks! Where did you start to feel it getting disjointed?

wogi

About the last 3 or 4 lines. The "I have a question" bit I think is what does it. It doesn't seem to fit wit the overall flow.

Lilnoobs

Thank you. That helps me out.

Endless_Serpents

I like it! I like it a lot. I felt I could really picture the imagery.

The only thing I would change is "soft blue" because really there needn't be anything soft in this piece, and I think it detracts from her power and energy.

Anyways, I do like it, and if it was a one off poem, leave it, I've been making poems as I type into my posts, who am I to offer cri-teek?

Lilnoobs

Thanks. You are certainly right about the "soft" not needing to be there. Hmm. Good observation that I wouldn't have caught otherwise.

What is this "one off" poem that you speak of? Like a quick write and post? I'm curious just 'cause I never heard that phrase before. If that's the case, I spose it sort of is. I've been having these poems lately, much unlike my other stuff, that I like to boil inside me until I just take a pen and pad and overflow without interruption of annoying punctuation or mechanics. I have quite a few of those now.

edit:

I'm thinking "cold" blue. That might be neat. Need to sleep on it.

Endless_Serpents

Glad I could help my good man/thing. Cold is certainly the way to go.


EDIT! Oh and a "one off poem" is just a thing I made up, but you got it, unedited poems just written and posted. Not a great method of improving no doubt.