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My wife's friends suck. (Help?)
Hiryu02
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, there is a lot to this, but I'm going to try and stick to the most salient facts.
A couple months ago, my wife and I had major car trouble, and so we've been without a vehicle since then. We are coping fine as she works within walking distance of our apartment, and I have alternate transportation.
About this time, two of her best girlfriends have started acting increasingly distant towards her. I don't know if it's because she's been more reliant on friends to pick her up when anyone is hanging out together, or for "going out". Her relationships with these two friends has been more and more strained, even culminating in the temporary termination of one of the friendships, although they did make up again some time later.
Cut to today, my wife has been planning a get-together tonight around going to a bar with her friends for the past 2 weeks. Via facebook, (sigh) one her friends sends her a msg that she's pulling a double at work and can't make it tonight. The other friend is driving in from a neighboring town and can't help her out ride-wise. Cue my wife getting very upset that tonight is pretty much canceled and bemoaning that she has "no friends". I would chalk this up to exaggeration, but unfortunately it's not the first time her friends have flaked out on her, or otherwise been unreliable. My wife has always had a difficult time making new friendships, and so she becomes very distraught at the prospect of losing the few friends she has. Even though her friends are not very good ones regardless.
is there anything I can do? Obviously I can't magic new, good friends out of the ether, and she doesn't currently do anything that brings her into regular contact with new people whom she might befriend. All I can do now is sympathize with her that her friends suck, but I hate to see her despondent.
Any ideas? Advice?
A couple months ago, my wife and I had major car trouble, and so we've been without a vehicle since then. We are coping fine as she works within walking distance of our apartment, and I have alternate transportation.
About this time, two of her best girlfriends have started acting increasingly distant towards her. I don't know if it's because she's been more reliant on friends to pick her up when anyone is hanging out together, or for "going out". Her relationships with these two friends has been more and more strained, even culminating in the temporary termination of one of the friendships, although they did make up again some time later.
Cut to today, my wife has been planning a get-together tonight around going to a bar with her friends for the past 2 weeks. Via facebook, (sigh) one her friends sends her a msg that she's pulling a double at work and can't make it tonight. The other friend is driving in from a neighboring town and can't help her out ride-wise. Cue my wife getting very upset that tonight is pretty much canceled and bemoaning that she has "no friends". I would chalk this up to exaggeration, but unfortunately it's not the first time her friends have flaked out on her, or otherwise been unreliable. My wife has always had a difficult time making new friendships, and so she becomes very distraught at the prospect of losing the few friends she has. Even though her friends are not very good ones regardless.
is there anything I can do? Obviously I can't magic new, good friends out of the ether, and she doesn't currently do anything that brings her into regular contact with new people whom she might befriend. All I can do now is sympathize with her that her friends suck, but I hate to see her despondent.
Any ideas? Advice?
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Hiryu02 on
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Otherwise, if you think it's all because of driving can your wife take a cab or something? I remember being "the guy with a car" a while back and it does get annoying when people always need a ride.
but they're listening to every word I say
Couldn't you take her somewhere instead?
That would probably be nice.
but they're listening to every word I say
On the no-car issue, like the poster above, I'm very often the driver in my group of friends. Nine times out of ten I'm cool with it, but it can get old. Also, if anyone acts like I'm expected to drive I generally tell them to piss off. If your wife feels like her friends are getting tired of driving her around, make sure she is asking them politely, thanking them and offering gas money (personally I never accept gas money, but it's definitely nice when people offer).
If you two want to make new friends, hit up your local recreation centre. Join a co-ed sports league, take some dance classes, whatever. There are tons of cheap ways to get you out of the house, get you active and meet new people.
If you take every instance personally that's up to you, but I can't tell you how many times I've planned stuff even with my boyfriend (whom I live with), come home from work/gym/etc. and been too tired or too hassled to make good on the plans
Don't be offended, just make another date and find something else to do that night
I do appreciate the observations. I'm a bit too close to the problem to be able to see the big picture.
If your lack of a car means that she can't join a club or take a class of some kind, maybe she can pursue a hobby that she can do at home to prevent her from feeling restless when her friends can't hang out with her.
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This has happened to my wife too on multiple occasions. With her friends, at least, there's either something where they're too polite to say they don't want to go to something, so make up some excuse the day of, or they really do have flimsy reasons not to come. It used to bother me a lot (I also scratched it up to her friends just not being very good), but it seems to be the norm for the interactions throughout the social group, and she herself wasn't being singled out. She does it to them too, I just don't see it when it happens (your wife might do the same).
Generally, when my guy friends say they are doing something, they're doing something. With her, it's not so obvious. You may just not be calibrated.
I had a friend who would always say "You should do X" and it was the most disrespectful wording possible, so almost everyone would tell him to fuck off because they felt like a meat puppet when they did something for him. He took it really personally, and one day I told him "if you could word it as 'would you pick me up?' or 'would you be able to grab me a drink when you're at the liquor store?' " and people would hate him significantly less for asking a favor. He used my advice and it worked extremely well, then he became resentful that I knew something he didn't, and defaulted back to "You should do X for me" and everyone started to tell him to piss off again.
So, that's something I would consider. She could be wording things in a weird way, making people feel like she's being manipulative, rather than grateful for their consideration of her.
Just a thought. She could be the most polite person in the world, I don't really know. But it is kind of weird that she won't default to using a cab if a ride falls through.
I have a very similar situation also. My GF's friends will plan stuff way in advance, and then flake out at the last minute with (imo) really lame excuses. But if the situation is reversed, and she is the one that can't make it, her friends get really pissed. Part of our problem is that we have 4 kids, and only 1 running vehicle.
I have never been able to figure out how to help with this aside from bending over backwards to make sure that she can make it to anything her friends are doing. It's not as easy as, "just make new friends" And it doesn't help that I have plenty of friends, and my friends almost never flake out for anything.
As for your wife, she's perhaps overreacting to a degree, but from a very reasonable perspective. I've been there. Shit sucks when you've got fuck-all interaction with people.
Have you checked Meetup.com in your area? There might be some interesting groups that'd get her, or both of you out of the house and meeting some new people.
If this is a recent thing though, it's probably not the case with your wife. I'd go with resentment, especially if this has been going on for months and they don't see any progress toward you guys replacing your car. They may just see this situation where she makes plans because she wants to go somewhere and doesn't have a ride so she invites them. Because no effort is readily apparent to make other arrangements her dependence on their cars just seems to stretch into infinity.
Anyway, I think maybe we're not hearing the whole story re: the friends like specific actions or attitude. As written it sounded like they were just being normal people.
It sounds like the problem here is anxiety your wife has. Which isn't a dig on her. What you need to do is address the anxiety. Unless your wife's friends do suck as much as your examples of them sucking do. In that case perhaps open up your circle of friends?
It's OK to share friends. Perhaps she can make some of her own friends through your friends, or extended circle?
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You seriously could have avoided all this fairly easily. Drop her off and pick her up from the bar. It's not unreasonable that the guy who has the car all the time might have to drive your wife around to events, even if you're not invited.
Alternately, if you live in an area with cabs, you could offer to pay her cab fare for a fun night out with friends.
Her not driving is putting stress on her relationships with her friends. Be a decent person and help her out when stuff like this comes up.
You didn't read the OP, he never claimed he had a car, just that he had alternate transportation, which I am reading to mean a bus or carpooling with someone else to his place of work.
Additionally, as has been said, being a chauffeur gets old fast, especially if someone doesn't live right down the street. Whoever is planning the gathering, especially to a drinking establishment, is usually the one who's going to offer driving. Otherwise, it comes off as a "I need a DD so I can drink". A few months of this is a long time. How close are you to finding a replacement vehicle?
He could still offer to do the cab thing, though.
My hubby doesnt think I should be her friend anymore, but she can be super good to me at time, and i wouldnt ask her to change for the world (thats what friends are.. they like you for who you are, not only the good parts) but I get so hurt by her.. and I dont have many friends.. it hurts being that girl who just want to make people happy and you just can never seem to. I can honestly say.. making bad friends is a hard habit to break, good friends are hard to come by.