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When Do You Know?
Mim
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Registered User regular
This is my first D&D thread and I hope I'm doing this right and if not I deeply apologize and oh please, do not hurt me. D:
Anyways, to begin with, I am another soul out there questioning their sexuality and I've run into a lot of debate mostly about bisexuality. For heterosexual and homosexual people when they first know they carry their sexual orientation it's normally through crushes, not many (I would assume) need to have sex in order to know definitely that they are straight or gay. However, when it comes to bisexuality a lot of people from both camps claim that in order to know if you are truly bisexual you'd have to have sex with both the opposite and same sex. That crushes are not merely enough to claim true bisexuality.
I'm not talking simply about finding someone attractive in a "They're cute" kind of way, I mean in an honest to goodness crush. But if that is truly the case for bisexuals then why isn't it the same for heterosexuals or homosexuals? And even then, even after having sex with your originally desired sex, can't things change and you actually end up preferring the opposite of what you began lusting after?
So when does someone truly know their sexual orientation then? Does it begin with repeated fantasies or dreams, does it become confirmed at the crush stage, or does a person have to go "all the way" to know definitely what they are? Or is sexuality so fluid that one may never know?
Again, apologies if this isn't correct or the wrong place I am so scared of D&D but I wanted to ask this and discuss it with reasonable people
Anyways, to begin with, I am another soul out there questioning their sexuality and I've run into a lot of debate mostly about bisexuality. For heterosexual and homosexual people when they first know they carry their sexual orientation it's normally through crushes, not many (I would assume) need to have sex in order to know definitely that they are straight or gay. However, when it comes to bisexuality a lot of people from both camps claim that in order to know if you are truly bisexual you'd have to have sex with both the opposite and same sex. That crushes are not merely enough to claim true bisexuality.
I'm not talking simply about finding someone attractive in a "They're cute" kind of way, I mean in an honest to goodness crush. But if that is truly the case for bisexuals then why isn't it the same for heterosexuals or homosexuals? And even then, even after having sex with your originally desired sex, can't things change and you actually end up preferring the opposite of what you began lusting after?
So when does someone truly know their sexual orientation then? Does it begin with repeated fantasies or dreams, does it become confirmed at the crush stage, or does a person have to go "all the way" to know definitely what they are? Or is sexuality so fluid that one may never know?
Again, apologies if this isn't correct or the wrong place I am so scared of D&D but I wanted to ask this and discuss it with reasonable people
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So then, would that be the same also for heterosexual people as well? When they enjoy opposite sex intercourse is when they'd know?
I mean, when looking at the arguments it seems weird that heterosexual people can know from an early age and even homosexual people, but not bisexuals. I hope that makes sense?
If you like someone of the same/opposite sex, then you do. If you want to call yourself Bisexual, go for it.
However, you seem to be describing Pansexuality a bit more than Bisexuality.
I see calling yourself something as being able to have a romantic relationship with that person/sex.
Think of it this way:
There are tons of dudes having "gay-intercourse" in prison, but how many of them claim to be homosexual?
I call myself heterosexual.
Am I describing pansexuality? I've run into this argument more so with bisexuality than pansexuality, oddly enough.
I see many bisexuals who usually date one sex more-often than the other, whereas those wo are self-described pansexuals have had multiple relations with either sex.
I think bisexuality is something most people are attuned to, as having a man-crush or something.
A pansexual would be happy with anyone.
The difference is that heterosexuals have been assuming they were heterosexual for years, so it doesn't seem like a significant event.
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So then, it doesn't happen with a crush, it happens when the first sexual act takes place?
I didn't specify a point. I don't know the point.
I'm heterosexual, I've always assumed I was heterosexual, turns out I assumed right, so there was no point of revelation or significance. As such, I really can't comment on when that point is, because I didn't realize it when I experienced it.
Although, if I had to take a guess, I'd say it was probably the first time I saw two dudes kissing and was all
o_O
:shock:
O_o
:v:
Just a guess.
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Some may require sexuality activity, others will only be able to form a romantic bond with a certain sex.
We're pretty complex.
Go with what you feel, and I will fight to the death to defend your right to do so. Labels are really only useful so we can oppress people.
Ahh, yes that is true. I mean, I always liked lesbian porn (since age 10), liked going into lesbian/bisexual women chat rooms and actively tried to cyber with girls online but in my day to day life went about liking boys but knowing something about me felt different than the rest of the kids. A crush on a male to female transexual didn't help matters in my teens (am I attracted to her because of who she is or am I attracted to her because I know she physically used to be male?)
Then posting a thread in H/A got me thinking, and then crying over a girl getting into a relationship with another girl that I really didn't want to happen, got me thinking even more and here I am. Then mid-talking it out with a friend of mine, it kind of hit me. Therapy didn't help much in that way either.
But when going out to talk to people about it, especially those in the queer community, they normally go "you have to sleep with both sexes to know for sure" when I feel that already thinking about growing old with the girl that set this harder into motion seemed like enough and huge to me.
There was one day I realized that it doesn't make you gay/bi if you can find someone of the same sex attractive. There are a lot of good looking women AND men out there and there is nothing gay/bi about admitting that. Many guys admit to their so called "man crushes" these days.
I always figured that if I were the least bit homosexual or bi or even just curious, that I'd at least have some fantasies or some sort of subconscious need or desire that would eventually show up in my thoughts or actions in some shape or form like a Freudian slip or something.
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I've known a person or two who were basically shunned because they "Weren't gay enough" or were "Pretending to be gay" because they had never had a boyfriend.
It comes down to you needing not to care what other people think and taking relationships as they come.
If you are gay/straight/bi/etc, it doesn't matter because labels are retarded.
If you like someone, that's all that matters.
Edit: For the most part, if you are confident in your sexuality as a whole, no one will question you.
Yeah, due to the staggering amount of people in this world I haven't actually met yet it's hard to argue that I'm 100% certain of anything. But since I seem to like girls a lot and have never met a guy I'd do I'm just going with heterosexual for now.
I mean, labels are useful for quick identification but there's no need to worry about it a lot.
Polite kiss, or not-what-you-should-do-in-public kissing? Because anyone of any gender doing the latter makes me have the above reaction. Time and a place, Jesus jumped-up Christ.
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The latter. To be honest, seeing a guy and a girl do it, tends not to show up on my radar at all, I don't even notice.
Seeing two girls do it...uhm...well, yeah.
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It's never ever been the latter, and to be perfectly honest, vaginas kind of gross me out (not mine, but that's cause it's always been there.)
So, I can honestly say that I'm, in fact, heterosexual, and I didn't have to have sex with a woman to know this. I even watch lesbian porn from time to time (It's actually very common among heterosexual women), and I know this.
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Yeah, at first I thought it was just a common thing I was doing, but then when my day dreams and fantasies turned to actually building a life and it went from "Man she's hot/pretty/whatever" in a fleeting moment to "Man she's hot/pretty/whatever" and stare for a really long time. Or even thinking "I would be up in that" in the sexual manner. Thinking or fantasizing about having sex with a woman doesn't seem weird to me just like being with a man intimately doesn't seem weird. Relationships for me in total are weird with anyone as I have issues with relationships and affection.
But despite my thoughts, feelings, fantasies, it still seems that until I get down and dirty with a woman, in lieu of the debates I've read, I am still straight.
And I've gone from thinking "vaginas? ugh" to "...that is a great looking vagina" but in a more..uh..non-polite way.
No, no not you guys. I meant from other places I read. Sorry about the confusion! D:
You can't help who you're attracted to, and if a man or a woman is attracted to someone of the same sex, then that really should be enough.
Anyone who says "Weeeeeeeellllll, have you ever had SEX with a man/woman? No? PFT, well then you don't know!" is just a silly goose.
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I also don't find men attractive....even gay men, but sometimes those sneaky shemales fool me.
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Even though it's still labeling, it's more..broken down and I think a lot of fluid people use it. Or do you think people will know based upon who that person is dating at the time?
You sound a lot like me. I never really doubted that I was bisexual but the number of people telling me that I should really label myself as "bi-curious" until I actually had experienced being with a woman made me doubt whether I could know. Then I was with a woman. Nothing changed - I still find both men and women attractive. I suppose now I know for sure that homosexual sex is just as awesome as heterosexual, but in a totally different way if that makes any sense at all.
In the end I'd agree with many of the fine folks here that it doesn't really matter that much. If you want to label yourself, do it. Don't let anyone tell you your chosen label is wrong or that you can't know; it's your life, your body, your mind, you probably know it better than they do. And really, if some day you change your mind, so what? Unless you've made a really bad drunken tattoo choice, your label isn't permanently affixed to your body in any way. People change. Live as honestly as you can now, don't worry about what you might decide later.
Long story short, live your life the way you want. Have sex with who you want; fall in love with who you want. Aside from safety and consent, there are no rules.
I mean, goddamn.
And then I got to kiss and touch one and goddamn.
So that's pretty much when I knew.
Yeah, that's what being gay is about.
He's baiting you, you know this. Don't let him.
You're attracted to who you're attracted to. The terms used to describe that are rarely definitive.
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It's just a more offensive than usual phrasing of a sentiment that I hear commonly enough.
In any case, I don't think something like that should go uncommented upon. It creates the wrong atmosphere if it does.
"True bisexuality" as described above is a pretty dumb concept.
I've had sex with both men and women, and enjoyed both, but I have had much more sex with women, and I tend to seek out women for relationships, and about 90% of the time when I masturbate I masturbate to porn or stories or fantasies involving women.
According to the above standard, I'm a "true bisexual" while a 16-year-old virgin who is equally attracted to both genders is not? That's some bullshit.
Tim Leary got it right on above:
It helps if you look at sexual preference in terms of personality theory. Personality is usually defined in terms of mostly consistent, and mostly predictable, but not immutable, patterns in a person's thoughts, feelings, and behavior. In other words, if I score as "Thinking" on the Myers-Briggs, then I'm more likely to approach situations from a logical, detached standpoint (as opposed to an emotional one). Does that mean I approach every situation from a logical standpoint? No. Just most situations. Does that mean that I am equally logical at the age of 30 as I was at the age of 20? No, but that rate of change is generally going to be very slow without very unusual and severe stressors. Does that mean that all "Thinking" types are as thinky as I am? No, some people score higher than others.
If sexual preference is a personality type, then it's going to be mostly consistent and mostly predictable across a person's lifespan, but still malleable (and possibly more malleable in some people than in others).
This doesn't make labels meaningless, it just means we have to be aware that labels are imperfect. They are not destiny.
I always knew that I was interested in sex with both men and women but relationships with only guys. I thought that was normal for a long time and was a bit surprised to find out that most straight people don't feel that way. Having sex with both men and women really didn't change the way I feel or who I am attracted to.
it happens when it happens.
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Extremely. Although that is even a mild form. I have seen people ask some of my friends how they can know they are still bisexual while in a long term monogamous relationship - despite having been in sexual long term relationships with both men and women in the past.