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I shot the [chat]

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Posts

  • TaminTamin Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    What is the easiest, most painless way to forget a day? Because I want to forget today existed.

    Alcohol. A fucking lot of alcohol.

    I will have to see about acquiring some, then.

  • TarranonTarranon Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Kilroy wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    What is the easiest, most painless way to forget a day? Because I want to forget today existed.

    Gin.

    oh god no, he doesn't need a gincident

  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

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  • KalkinoKalkino Buttons Londres Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Leitner wrote: »
    Haha.

    Michael O'Leary's quote is pretty good, especially given his capacity as a public figure for the company.

    BA CEO or Chair made similar but more diplomatic comments about airport security last week (26 October). Pre latest chapter on eternal war on Terror


    The British national flag carrier’s chairman has attacked the stringent screening processes imposed on passengers flying from airports in the UK. Martin Broughton, head of British Airways (BA), said that that some of the measures enforced in the UK are redundant and a sop to demands by US security bosses.

    Mr Broughton said checks such as those which involved shoe removal and separate screening for laptop computers were time-consuming and totally unnecessary. He also questioned the logic of imposing extra security checks on international passengers flying to the US, but not on passengers taking internal US flights.

    The BA boss, who is also the Liverpool FC chairman, told an audience at the annual conference of the UK Airport Operators’ Association that the UK should run the same security checks and screening for flights, from the UK to the US, that American authorities do on their own domestic flights.

    Freedom for the Northern Isles!
  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Looked at some of my old work...I'm actually a little proud of it. Shows potential at least, I think.

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  • Captain CarrotCaptain Carrot Harrisonburg, VARegistered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Bogart wrote: »
    Carrot, I was fiddling, and ended up re-writing the whole thing. I'm definitely not saying you should do what I've done, but I was trying to get across the same information by saying less.
    Spoiler:

    I don't know whether this is helpful to you, but I felt like posting it after working on it for a few minutes.
    I kept the clothing, but did the girl/redhead switch. I also added "somehow looking hopeful and dispirited at the same time." to the adverb of the first question. Also, contemplating giving the protagonist a unisex name and not giving any gender hints for a while. Of course, the redhead would almost certainly be aware after her question was answered, but that's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

  • TaminTamin Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

  • NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Obama is trying to put the small business toner distributors out of business

  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

    What is a "bit"? Because I wasn't kidding about needing a lot to erase a day

    ftOqU21.png
  • TaminTamin Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

    What is a "bit"? Because I wasn't kidding about needing a lot to erase a day

    Well, the bottle is 750 ml, and there's around a 1/10th left.

    If I need more than that ... well.

  • Silas BrownSilas Brown Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Oh man, tonight it's gonna be whiskey and words. Viva la NaNo!

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  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

    What is a "bit"? Because I wasn't kidding about needing a lot to erase a day

    Well, the bottle is 750 ml, and there's around a 1/10th left.

    If I need more than that ... well.

    so, a couple fingers?

    no, that won't do

    that won't do at all

    drink that then get your party plastic out and visit fifteen bars

    "visiting" has a two drink minimum

    ftOqU21.png
  • HonkHonk Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2010
    Drinking a lot of alcohol - post bad day - is probably not going to make you forget the day. Just the evening.

  • ShivahnShivahn Eastern coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

    What is a "bit"? Because I wasn't kidding about needing a lot to erase a day

    Would it really erase a day? I'd think it'd only affect you after you start drinking, not halt memories that were already forming. Am I wrong?

    I don't drink so I really don't know much, admittedly.

  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Honk wrote: »
    Drinking a lot of alcohol - post bad day - is probably not going to make you forget the day. Just the evening.

    but it'll make the next day worse so the previous day seems like nothing

    ftOqU21.png
  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Spoiler:
    A pretty girl approached, a redhead with a light blue v-neck shirt, denim jacket, and black skirt – and three-inch heels, which she somehow managed adroitly on the pebbly pavement, not to mention the rough grass.

    Hmm, still seems a little weird. How does this read to you?
    A pretty girl approached, a redhead with a light blue v-neck shirt, denim jacket, black skirt...and three-inch heels, which she somehow managed adroitly on the pebbly pavement, not to mention the rough grass.

    Not unobjectionable. I'll go with that for now, and change back if I feel strongly about it later.

    Why are you trying to break up the rest of the clothing from the heels? It feels awkward and has no reason, imo.

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  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Tamin wrote: »
    What is the easiest, most painless way to forget a day? Because I want to forget today existed.

    Go out and have a tremendous day tomorrow.

    B7ozVfx.png
  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Shivahn wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Tamin wrote: »
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    I have two litres of tax-free bombay sapphire right here, tamin

    I have a bit of tequila left over from an asshole room-mate, I may just take of that.

    What is a "bit"? Because I wasn't kidding about needing a lot to erase a day

    Would it really erase a day? I'd think it'd only affect you after you start drinking, not halt memories that were already forming. Am I wrong?

    I don't drink so I really don't know much, admittedly.

    Yeah it wouldn't erase a day.

    ftOqU21.png
  • NerdgasmicNerdgasmic __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2010
    why do you have to mention the heels at all

    @nealcm @faynor
    nerdgasmic.gif1420 6068 6113 - XBL Atomoclassic
  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    there was the prettiest french girl on the plane to copenhagen

    like, I'd pick her over audrey tautou pretty

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  • ShivahnShivahn Eastern coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Good. I was worried Wikipedia had failed me. That would've been tragic!

  • HonkHonk Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2010
    The only way to forget a bad day is to do a ctrl-z and then redo the day better.

    Unfortunately the undo feature has been disabled since 1912 due to a lack of RAM.

  • Captain CarrotCaptain Carrot Harrisonburg, VARegistered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Inquisitor wrote: »
    Spoiler:
    A pretty girl approached, a redhead with a light blue v-neck shirt, denim jacket, and black skirt – and three-inch heels, which she somehow managed adroitly on the pebbly pavement, not to mention the rough grass.

    Hmm, still seems a little weird. How does this read to you?
    A pretty girl approached, a redhead with a light blue v-neck shirt, denim jacket, black skirt...and three-inch heels, which she somehow managed adroitly on the pebbly pavement, not to mention the rough grass.

    Not unobjectionable. I'll go with that for now, and change back if I feel strongly about it later.

    Why are you trying to break up the rest of the clothing from the heels? It feels awkward and has no reason, imo.
    Nerdgasmic wrote: »
    why do you have to mention the heels at all
    Because the protagonist notices the heels after the rest of the clothing, and is slightly impressed at the redhead's ability to walk in them over that ground. That is why they are mentioned with a break.

  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Shivahn wrote: »
    Good. I was worried Wikipedia had failed me. That would've been tragic!

    a proper blackout will be accompanied by being pretty freaked out that the last eight hours are just not there, and some pretty serious pain

    and not being able to walk for a week

    if your experience matches mine

    ftOqU21.png
  • NerdgasmicNerdgasmic __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2010
    yeah, but why


    it just seems really awkward and unnecessary for no apparent benefit

    @nealcm @faynor
    nerdgasmic.gif1420 6068 6113 - XBL Atomoclassic
  • Silas BrownSilas Brown Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Nerdgasmic wrote: »
    why do you have to mention the heels at all

    Heels are super sexy.

    CmgpQ.jpg
  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    "light blue v-neck shirt" is too long, to me

    if you'd shorten it it would be an easier sell that this is some guy's thoughts

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  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    also, maybe not to mention the rough grass indeed

    ftOqU21.png
  • BogartBogart MR. Lady Anime Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Bogart wrote: »
    Carrot, I was fiddling, and ended up re-writing the whole thing. I'm definitely not saying you should do what I've done, but I was trying to get across the same information by saying less.
    Spoiler:

    I don't know whether this is helpful to you, but I felt like posting it after working on it for a few minutes.
    I kept the clothing, but did the girl/redhead switch. I also added "somehow looking hopeful and dispirited at the same time." to the adverb of the first question. Also, contemplating giving the protagonist a unisex name and not giving any gender hints for a while. Of course, the redhead would almost certainly be aware after her question was answered, but that's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

    'Hopeful and dispirited'? I'm trying to imagine someone looking both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. I kind of can't. Show she's nervous somehow. Show she's also kind of excited. Don't just tell us she looks like both at the same time.

  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    I've never been into heels. I mean, I can appreciate what it does for a girl's posture and legs but the heels themselves do nothing

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  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Gonna just throw in my comments in red. Like a mean teacher.

    I sat on the park bench, finishing my BLT and waiting for the rain to stop before I headed home Tense shift. I think? Change sat to was sitting, or something similar. Also is he sitting on a bench in the rain? That seems odd.. A rather pretty girl approached, a redhead with a light blue v-neck shirt, denim jacket, and black skirt. Drop the rather. Also just don't call her pretty at all. Show us that she is pretty don't tell us. Also denim jacket? Taaaacky.And three-inch heels, which she somehow managed adroitly on the rather uneven pavement, not to mention the rough grass. Once again, show don't tell. Just tell about how consistent her stride was despite the uneven ground or something.
    “Excuse me, are you Dan Arwood?” she asked, nervousness evident in her voice. The tone of her voice should be conveyed in the words, not in a footnote appended to it.
    “No, I’m not,” I replied, slightly puzzled. See above
    She slumped, dejected. Show, don't tell.“Shit. I knew I’d gotten here too late. I was supposed to meet him here for a sort of a date fifteen minutes ago. I guess he gave up waiting and went home.”
    I winced. “Oh, that sucks. Although if you ask me, fifteen minutes isn’t so long to wait. I take it this was an online dating thing?”Uneven tone. Goes from very informal "that sucks" to very proper "I take it this was a" Make it consistent.

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  • BogartBogart MR. Lady Anime Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Nerdgasmic wrote: »
    why do you have to mention the heels at all

    He's writing a foot fetishist romance. Next chapter: "Bunions and corns and atheletes foot, oh my!"

  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Sat sounds right to me?

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  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Because the protagonist notices the heels after the rest of the clothing, and is slightly impressed at the redhead's ability to walk in them over that ground. That is why they are mentioned with a break.

    I wouldn't try to show that via weird grammar tricks.

    Just put "then I noticed" if you want to make it very clear to the reader the order he noticed things in.

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  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Sat sounds right to me?

    Sat can work but then I want a was in front of finishing. Like "I sat on the park bench and was finishing"

    Don't know why, how it currently is written doesn't scan for me at all.

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  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    but anyway this french girl

    you could see she was french from miles away

    black wool coat, brunette, french bangs

    and very very cute

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  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Well, it is time for me to try my mother's experiment at making french onion soup *crosses fingers*

    Toodles.

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  • msmyamsmya Being Fabulous Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    I really just want winter break

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    Steam Profile / MsMya Stream Channel
  • AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Inquisitor wrote: »
    Because the protagonist notices the heels after the rest of the clothing, and is slightly impressed at the redhead's ability to walk in them over that ground. That is why they are mentioned with a break.

    I wouldn't try to show that via weird grammar tricks.

    Just put "then I noticed" if you want to make it very clear to the reader the order he noticed things in.

    I like it the way it is. It's precisely what I read it as because it's how my thoughts would go

    ftOqU21.png
  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Inquisitor wrote: »
    Because the protagonist notices the heels after the rest of the clothing, and is slightly impressed at the redhead's ability to walk in them over that ground. That is why they are mentioned with a break.

    I wouldn't try to show that via weird grammar tricks.

    Just put "then I noticed" if you want to make it very clear to the reader the order he noticed things in.

    I like it the way it is. It's precisely what I read it as because it's how my thoughts would go

    Yes well, it making sense to you means it definitely needs to be changed. :P

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This discussion has been closed.