Carrot, I was fiddling, and ended up re-writing the whole thing. I'm definitely not saying you should do what I've done, but I was trying to get across the same information by saying less.
I sat on the park bench, finishing my sandwich and waiting for the rain to stop before I headed home. A pretty redhead approached the bench, walking without difficulty over the uneven ground in three inch heels. She bit her lip before speaking.
“Excuse me, are you Dan Arwood?”
“No, I’m not.”
She slumped. “Shit. I knew I’d gotten here too late. I was supposed to meet him here fifteen minutes ago. It's a sort of date. I guess he gave up waiting and went home.”
“I'm sorry." I gave what I hoped was an encouraging smile. "If you ask me, fifteen minutes isn’t so long to wait. I take it this was an online dating thing?”
I don't know whether this is helpful to you, but I felt like posting it after working on it for a few minutes.
I kept the clothing, but did the girl/redhead switch. I also added "somehow looking hopeful and dispirited at the same time." to the adverb of the first question. Also, contemplating giving the protagonist a unisex name and not giving any gender hints for a while. Of course, the redhead would almost certainly be aware after her question was answered, but that's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.
'Hopeful and dispirited'? I'm trying to imagine someone looking both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. I kind of can't. Show she's nervous somehow. Show she's also kind of excited. Don't just tell us she looks like both at the same time.
She's hoping to have found Dan but dismally certain that he hasn't.
Current version:
I sat on the park bench, finishing my BLT and waiting for the rain to stop before I headed home. A pretty redhead approached, wearing a v-neck shirt, denim jacket, black skirt ... and three-inch heels, which carried her on even strides over the pebbly pavement and rough wet grass.
“I don’t suppose you’re Dan Arwood?” she asked, with a small, desperate smile.
“Uh, no, I’m not,” I replied.
She slumped. “Shit. I knew I’d gotten here too late. I was supposed to meet him here for a sort of a date fifteen minutes ago. I guess he gave up waiting and went home.”
I winced. “Oh, that sucks. Although if you ask me, fifteen minutes isn’t so long to wait. Guessing this was an online dating thing?”
Because the protagonist notices the heels after the rest of the clothing, and is slightly impressed at the redhead's ability to walk in them over that ground. That is why they are mentioned with a break.
I wouldn't try to show that via weird grammar tricks.
Just put "then I noticed" if you want to make it very clear to the reader the order he noticed things in.
I like it the way it is. It's precisely what I read it as because it's how my thoughts would go
Yes well, it making sense to you means it definitely needs to be changed. :P
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Current version:
“I don’t suppose you’re Dan Arwood?” she asked, with a small, desperate smile.
“Uh, no, I’m not,” I replied.
She slumped. “Shit. I knew I’d gotten here too late. I was supposed to meet him here for a sort of a date fifteen minutes ago. I guess he gave up waiting and went home.”
I winced. “Oh, that sucks. Although if you ask me, fifteen minutes isn’t so long to wait. Guessing this was an online dating thing?”
so that means that I have tomorrow off
or that if they call, I won't pick up before it's too late for me to come in at all
good point
yeah, change it, carrot
No booty at all.
Man I was the worst when I worked at the hotel. If I saw a work number calling, you can bet I was "away from the house."
Sheik Yer-Booti
Don't stop.