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The Limits of Well-Intentioned Nagging
Hamurabi
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Spoiler:
The above quote tree is from the SE thread on the first episode of season 2 of PATV. While it's not a great discussion in itself, it does bring up what I feel is a worthwhile question:
When are you justified in nagging people you care about (your friends, relatives, co-workers, people who draw webcomics that you like, etc.) to do something that will objectively (or at least, I don't think you could make a very cogent argument against doing) improve their lives? Is it annoying and offputting to bring up your buddy's tobacco habit one in awhile and urge him to quit? Is it beyond the pale to see someone buying loads of Arizona tea and mention that it's basically just sugar water?
How justified are people in suggesting (politely) that the people they care about help themselves?
Hamurabi on
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But if they're annoyed, I drop it - it's not worth losing a friend / annoying them over it. You never get somebody to do what you want by annoying them in any worthwhile sense - change in behaviour comes from them actually agreeing with you and believing that what you say is true.
But habits die hard, and like usually with a lot of angry flailing.
http://troublethinking.wordpress.com (Updated Wed) http://twitter.com/#!/Durandal4532
my unofficial autobio will be accompanied with tips on how to smile
cause I've found that when they don't see you frown, they never know that you're a threat
and they don't sweat you when you came around
So I should've waited until they hit an episode in season 2 about personal health? Alternatively, I missed the boat when people were talking about that episode where they showcased the treadmill with a PC in front of it running WoW, and now I can't comment on it anymore?
This is one of the things that separates close friends from acquaintances in my world.
People who have bad habits have certainly heard how their habits are bad before. Smokers, for instance, have a whole world of messages telling them to quit. it's printed on every pack they buy.
If you're a stranger, or somebody who only barely knows them, then your voice is just going to join that cacophony.
But if you're a friend, somebody they already trust, then you're in a privileged position to give them advice.
On top of that, some vices aren't as clear-cut as smoking. What if we're talking about a person in an abusive relationship? Or a bad job? Maybe you don't see the whole picture, maybe you're only seeing one facet of the situation.
Even then, if you're a close friend, you have to be frugal with constructive criticism or else you risk damaging your friendship and rendering the person even more closed-off to your message.
Also, if this devolves into yet another fitness thread so help me god I will shank somebody.
What if you went with a friend that had to take his 4 year old with him, its cool, you're old buddies. Now the kid asks for an icecream, I mean, the next showing of Toy Story 3 is in 35 minutes, there is time to kill. Now that friend start shouting at his kid unreasonably, I mean, you are withen you rights to say 'NO' to your kid, but why make him feel like shit about it?
Now, whats the aproperite thing for YOU to do? Should I defend the kid infront of the kid? That could enforce the kid's perciption that he is wronged and in turn could damage their relationship. Should I talk to him when the kid is busy?
I feel situations where advice would be a direct offense against someone's skill are the most hard to navigate, such as telling a girl friend to let you teach her how to park in a crowded parking lot. Or telling a father how to raise his kids.
But, again, if it's not a close friend of yours, you're really not in the best position to criticize them.