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Drunken holiday party hookup

ukiyo eukiyo e Registered User regular
edited December 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I work for a small company (about 40 employees, mostly under the age of 30). We had our annual holiday luncheon on Friday. It followed the usual routine: big lunch, open bar, then the younger workers from the company go out to a bar to continue drinking. Usually I skip the last part because I'm not a huge fan of the local bar scene and I don't really socialize with my co-workers. But I went out anyways this year, had too much to drink, danced like an idiot (fun) and ended up making out with one of my co-workers at the bar (also fun). She was drunk as well, she came onto me (from what I can remember), and she seemed to enjoy the experience. I think that I can say both of those things with confidence because A: I'm not one to make out with people when I'm drunk (I've been drunk enough times to know this) and B: She had me pressed up against a wall, so if she wanted to stop she could have. While this was going on I sobered up enough to know that anything more then sloppy drunken makeouts would be a bad idea (sleeping with drunk girls is definitely not my style), so I told her that I had to catch a train (which was the truth) and made my exit.
So whatever, I'm moderately embarrassed by the whole situation because *sloppy makeouts in a crowded bar*, but I'm not too concerned about it. This co-worker and I are friendly enough around the office. I wouldn't call her a friend, but we share music and youtube links. You know, general office acquaintance stuff. I assumed that there would be some office gossip on Monday, I'd see her around the office, we'd share one of those knowing embarrassed grins, and life would go on. Monday comes around, I get into the office and go about my day. I see her in the hallway around noon time and hitch on one my usual big smiles, she sees me... and immediately does a 180 and goes in the opposite direction. Obvious avoidance. Great.
I know the right thing to do is to give her space. She's probably embarrassed, and hopefully not disgusted with herself (I like to think that I'm a decent looking fellow). So I'm playing it cool. The problem is that this isn't some college cafeteria. It's a place of business. Sooner or later we're going to have to communicate about business things. I really don't want this awkwardness to affect either of our jobs.
I don't even know what kind of help or advice I'm asking for here. It's just that none of my friends have ever really been in a situation like this. When I told my guy friends they basically just said the equivalent of "Niiiiice" and when I told my girl friends they just wanted to know who the girl was and if we were going to date. Neither response was very helpful in letting me know whether or not I'm acting like a jerk.

ukiyo e on
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Posts

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Something has really devalued the word "hook-up", 'cause drunken make-outs at the bar is definitely not what I was expecting.

    You didn't do anything wrong. You barely even did enough that it could've possibly been doing something wrong, given the context. She's just embarrassed because she made out with somebody, while drunk, in a public place, which our (repressed) culture says is something (female) people should feel bad about.

    Don't press her, but don't start avoiding her. Just interact with her the way you normally would, and if she wants to bring it up she'll bring it up.

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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    How she reacts to the situation is not your problem. She is a big girl and needs to be able to deal with it.

    Just, you know, don't mention it ever again to her. She probably won't seem receptive to it. I would also not talk about it to anyone else at work.

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  • ukiyo eukiyo e Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    admanb wrote: »
    Something has really devalued the word "hook-up", 'cause drunken make-outs at the bar is definitely not what I was expecting.

    "drunken holiday party sloppy makeouts" seemed a little too descriptive for a title. Gotta leave something to the imagination.

    1EAFQ.gif
  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Two options.
    1. this is something you can easily laugh about.
    2. she likes you

    If it's 1, then stop being embarrassed and just laugh about it. If it's 2, well... that'll be awkward at some point if you don't like her back...

  • ninzorjonsninzorjons Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    NotYou wrote: »
    Two options.
    1. this is something you can easily laugh about.
    2. she likes you

    If it's 1, then stop being embarrassed and just laugh about it. If it's 2, well... that'll be awkward at some point if you don't like her back...

    I highly doubt the bolded part, unless she's incredibly immature.

    Best course of action is to probably just let it be for a bit. If she continues acting this way, you may have to just confront her and tell her straight up "it wasn't a big deal, we work together, we're going to have to acknowledge each other eventually."

    "Be excellent to each other."
  • DibsDibs Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Uh, do you like her? Do you want to start a relationship?

  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Keep in mind that her inner personality is the one you met that night, she is herself now, so don't expect too much. Interact normally with her, be professinal but friendly.

    I had a couple of experiences like this in the past: girl gets drunk, girl chases me, next day I encounter a completely different person. Alcohol has the ability to make people lose their inhibitions.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • SanguineAngelSanguineAngel Lord Centre of the UniverseRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Just a quick suggestion: Is it possible she likes the OP but got the wrong end of the stick when he made his excuses and left? In which case a discussion might be warrented. very similar thing happened to me at work before.

    Either way, it seems to be either a "discuss frankly and like adults situation" if you like the girl or a "don't sweat it and pretend like it didn't happen situation" if you're not too fussed.

    In my limited experience, these things honestly do change relationship and office dynamics and you can't really undo them. If your choice is the latter then you may be able to straighten things out later but, as others have said, I wouldn't force it or worry about overly.

    You've not done anything wrong as far as your tale goes. You got drunk in front of colleagues but from your description, it was an environment where everyone was likely similarly plastered so that shouldn't be a problem.

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  • Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Austin, TXRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    This may go against the consensus, but if it were me, I'd at least send her an email just letting her know that there's nothing to be embarrassed about. If you want to pursue a relationship, you can mention something about how you'd like to go out again with her, this time without alcohol. If not, just let her know it was fun but a little inappropriate and you'd just like to put it in the past and move forward. Things will be awkward for a while either way, but if you confront it now you can mitigate that somewhat.

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  • WillethWilleth Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    This may go against the consensus, but if it were me, I'd at least send her an email just letting her know that there's nothing to be embarrassed about. If you want to pursue a relationship, you can mention something about how you'd like to go out again with her, this time without alcohol. If not, just let her know it was fun but a little inappropriate and you'd just like to put it in the past and move forward. Things will be awkward for a while either way, but if you confront it now you can mitigate that somewhat.

    If you do this, do not use the work email.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Holy shit, don't try to pretend there's some magical relationship here. People who are drunk and in the mood will make out with a crocodile if the light is dim. Don't go out of your way to contact her at all; sending an e-mail is such an incredibly terrible idea. I'm sure she's a big kid too, so if you have to interact for work you can do that without going out of your way to be social. After a few weeks the embarrassment memory of the event will probably fade and you can go back to being mostly normal co-workers.

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    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    The problem is, though, is that it may affect work and get them both in trouble.

    He should probably try to approach her amicably. I doubt she is looking for a relationship, but rather embarrassed about the whole making out in public. In my opinion the best thing to do is to ask her out to coffee or something and discuss what happened. Which may have good repercussions for both of them, and, at the least, get past this issue.

  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I think the big key is: do you like her or no?
    If not, as above, just send a personal email or IM or something saying it's no big deal.

    If you do, well, ask her out.

    More than likely, you'll have forgotten about it by new years.

  • ukiyo eukiyo e Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice. I didn't think that this was a big deal until she avoided me yesterday. It was a "wait, what the fuck was that?" kind of moment. You have all basically echo'd what my thoughts were on the situation. I'm just going to wait it out and hope that she gets over it soon.
    About the dating thing, that's out of the question. I know better then to read intentions from someone who was drunk. Dating someone you work with is a recipe for disaster, anyways.

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  • Modern ManModern Man Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    You shouldn't send her an e-mail about this or try and make her talk about it. Both of those approaches are inappropriate in a professional setting.

    Don't mention the incident again and make every effort to keep your relationship with her (and your other co-workers) as professional as possible. There is no benefit to anyone in bringing this up again. Just move on and pretend it didn't happen, and she'll likely do the same. If any of your co-workers bring it up, tell them it's inappropriate to talk about that at work.

    And do not ever do anything like that again. Mixing your personal/romantic life with your professional one is a recipe for disaster. You showed some bad judgment in hooking up with a co-worker in a bar where other co-workers could see you. I wouldn't dwell on it, since stuff like this is sort of expected at holiday parties. But don't make a habit of it.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Modern Man wrote: »
    You shouldn't send her an e-mail about this or try and make her talk about it. Both of those approaches are inappropriate in a professional setting.

    Don't mention the incident again and make every effort to keep your relationship with her (and your other co-workers) as professional as possible. There is no benefit to anyone in bringing this up again. Just move on and pretend it didn't happen, and she'll likely do the same. If any of your co-workers bring it up, tell them it's inappropriate to talk about that at work.

    And do not ever do anything like that again. Mixing your personal/romantic life with your professional one is a recipe for disaster. You showed some bad judgment in hooking up with a co-worker in a bar where other co-workers could see you. I wouldn't dwell on it, since stuff like this is sort of expected at holiday parties. But don't make a habit of it.

    Man, why you gotta be so eloquent, saying things I did without any profanity and yet with added sage wisdom.

    "Don't dip your pen in the company ink." Or as my ineffably wise roommate used to say, "Don't shit where you eat."

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    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I don't think you did anything wrong.

    The 2 best (IMO) ways of handling it: (1) pretend it never happened (a little difficult if you're discussing it with your work colleagues) and (2) an acknowledgement of what occurred and an assurance that it's a trivial matter (smile and say "Hi, you don't need to avoid me. I didn't think it was a big deal. You doing a 180 when you see me seems like avoidance and that makes me uncomfortable, is there something you want to tell me?"). I'd keep the communication verbal and short. If it looks like it's going to turn into an extended conversation I'd invite her to talk about it outside of work.

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    If she is avoiding him at work, I'm not entirely sure confrontation of any sort is going to help. From the brief description, she seems intent on avoiding what happened and he should let her.

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  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Modern Man wrote: »
    You shouldn't send her an e-mail about this or try and make her talk about it. Both of those approaches are inappropriate in a professional setting.

    Don't mention the incident again and make every effort to keep your relationship with her (and your other co-workers) as professional as possible. There is no benefit to anyone in bringing this up again. Just move on and pretend it didn't happen, and she'll likely do the same. If any of your co-workers bring it up, tell them it's inappropriate to talk about that at work.
    Modern Man is 100% right about this. You will never hear those words from me again.

    Sending her an e-mail is a fucking catastrofuck of an idea; I can't believe someone actually suggested it.

    Give her some space, and after a week or so, go back to normal, pretend it never happened.

  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Ya, don't use office communicaton tools to talk this one out. A simple face to face should be all you need.

    If it was me, and I liked the girl enough to date her, I'd simply show up at her desk with a smile and say something like 'hey! I just wanted to say sorry for bailing early the other night, I had to [x]. And also, tequila.'

    Then take the tone. If it is an embarrassed smile, then green light, if it is a sharp breath masking the sudden taste of guilt and shame, then red light.

    Green light: 'Well anyways, you're pretty awesome, and I'd love to do it up right. Dinner at [nice place]? Sweet. [details].'

    Red Light: 'Hey no worries. It was what it was. Nothing wrong with a little fun once in a while. I'll see ya around okay? (big smile).'

    There's all kinds of variations on the theme, depending on how badly you'd like to press, but in the end you can choose whether to treat it as a singular event or a segue to something else. Either way, let the person know that they are pretty cool and that things in general are cool. Not 'it never happened', but 'it was a non-event, don't worry about it'.

    Hand in hand with non-event is not telling everybody (i.e. anybody) at work about it.

    Oh shit. Ya, if you don't like her enough to date her, then don't make any kind of deal out of it at all. Just stop by with some useless bit of whatever that you 'need her opinion on' and be friendly so that she knows there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

    Edcrab wrote: »
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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2010
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Holy shit, don't try to pretend there's some magical relationship here. People who are drunk and in the mood will make out with a crocodile if the light is dim. Don't go out of your way to contact her at all; sending an e-mail is such an incredibly terrible idea. I'm sure she's a big kid too, so if you have to interact for work you can do that without going out of your way to be social. After a few weeks the embarrassment memory of the event will probably fade and you can go back to being mostly normal co-workers.

    yes, this

    it was just drunken kissing
    you're taking this way too seriously

    edit: durr I am slow at reading, you've already acknowledged it ain't a thing so just be cool about it and let her avoid you if she wants to

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Yeah, echoing posts above, but throw another on the pile for the "pretend like it never happened and move on with your life" advice. It's hardly a big deal, a drunken make out sesh at a bar after the xmas party is pretty tame all things considered

  • Modern ManModern Man Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Sarcastro wrote: »
    Ya, don't use office communicaton tools to talk this one out. A simple face to face should be all you need.

    If it was me, and I liked the girl enough to date her, I'd simply show up at her desk with a smile and say something like 'hey! I just wanted to say sorry for bailing early the other night, I had to [x]. And also, tequila.'

    Then take the tone. If it is an embarrassed smile, then green light, if it is a sharp breath masking the sudden taste of guilt and shame, then red light.

    Green light: 'Well anyways, you're pretty awesome, and I'd love to do it up right. Dinner at [nice place]? Sweet. [details].'

    Red Light: 'Hey no worries. It was what it was. Nothing wrong with a little fun once in a while. I'll see ya around okay? (big smile).'

    There's all kinds of variations on the theme, depending on how badly you'd like to press, but in the end you can choose whether to treat it as a singular event or a segue to something else. Either way, let the person know that they are pretty cool and that things in general are cool. Not 'it never happened', but 'it was a non-event, don't worry about it'.

    Hand in hand with non-event is not telling everybody (i.e. anybody) at work about it.

    Oh shit. Ya, if you don't like her enough to date her, then don't make any kind of deal out of it at all. Just stop by with some useless bit of whatever that you 'need her opinion on' and be friendly so that she knows there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
    No, no, no. A thousand times no. Do not pursue this girl, do not attempt to talk about the incident. Just move on.

    The OP made a mistake hooking up with a co-worker at a Christmas party. It's not a faux pas on the level of taking a crap on your boss' desk, but it is still a faux pas. Trying to pursue this girl in any way after that incident is an incredibly terrible idea.

    Move on, forget about it and don't ever again get drunk at a work function. And do not, in any circumstance, kiss a co-worker again.

    Aetian Jupiter - 41 Gunslinger - The Old Republic
    Rigorous Scholarship

  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Modern Man wrote: »
    Sarcastro wrote: »
    Ya, don't use office communicaton tools to talk this one out. A simple face to face should be all you need.

    If it was me, and I liked the girl enough to date her, I'd simply show up at her desk with a smile and say something like 'hey! I just wanted to say sorry for bailing early the other night, I had to [x]. And also, tequila.'

    Then take the tone. If it is an embarrassed smile, then green light, if it is a sharp breath masking the sudden taste of guilt and shame, then red light.

    Green light: 'Well anyways, you're pretty awesome, and I'd love to do it up right. Dinner at [nice place]? Sweet. [details].'

    Red Light: 'Hey no worries. It was what it was. Nothing wrong with a little fun once in a while. I'll see ya around okay? (big smile).'

    There's all kinds of variations on the theme, depending on how badly you'd like to press, but in the end you can choose whether to treat it as a singular event or a segue to something else. Either way, let the person know that they are pretty cool and that things in general are cool. Not 'it never happened', but 'it was a non-event, don't worry about it'.

    Hand in hand with non-event is not telling everybody (i.e. anybody) at work about it.

    Oh shit. Ya, if you don't like her enough to date her, then don't make any kind of deal out of it at all. Just stop by with some useless bit of whatever that you 'need her opinion on' and be friendly so that she knows there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
    No, no, no. A thousand times no. Do not pursue this girl, do not attempt to talk about the incident. Just move on.

    The OP made a mistake hooking up with a co-worker at a Christmas party. It's not a faux pas on the level of taking a crap on your boss' desk, but it is still a faux pas. Trying to pursue this girl in any way after that incident is an incredibly terrible idea.

    Move on, forget about it and don't ever again get drunk at a work function. And do not, in any circumstance, kiss a co-worker again.

    This completely depends on where you work. Inter-office dating is very common, sometimes its frowned upon and sometimes not. Totally moot in this case, as there is no wish to pursue anything further.

    Whether or not one would clear the air, or ignore the event completely, appears to be the only thing currently relevant to the OP.

    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Worse things have happened at work parties, trust me. Her embarassment probably has nothing to do with you personally, she's more upset with her own behavior most likely. It's like if you bent down and split your pants in front of a coworker, you'd probably be a little mortified when you saw them next. Just be cool about it, let it blow over and it probably wont be a thing.

  • WileyWiley Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Is it possible that she did the 180 when she saw you because she was concerned that you would take it more seriously than it was? Maybe when you smiled at her she took that as a signal that you think you guys have something going on now. The best advice has been given. Act normal around her, eventually she will realize it meant nothing to you and things will get back to as normal as possible.

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  • VeeveeVeevee WisconsinRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    What a bunch of anti-social nerds.

    You can ignore the event and act like it never happened, and get on with your life and maybe things will go back to how they were. But the event did happen, and odds are that it will always be in the back of either your mind or hers when you two interact.

    Or you can go talk to her (using any excuse you can come up with), and talk about it and maybe grow a (non-sexual) friendship out of it. Some of my best friends I have grew from a night of sloppy drunken make-outs, where the next day (or a couple days later) we got together, talked and laughed about it and realized we have a lot in common.

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Meh, the move on and pretend it didn't happen isn't necessarily anti-social.....

    Everyone handles things differently, since the OP doesn't strike me as a particularly gregarious man about the office in what he posted, and given what he said she's acted like since it happened, I would say that a face to face lets talk this out is probably a bad idea. On the other hand OP if you're one of those people who can crack a joke and break the ice, then sure, do that, make light of it and be friends with her.

    Once when my female roommate and I were drunk at our apartment she ended up offering to let me touch her boobs, which I of course accepted, things could have been very weird, but I joked about the very next morning and everything was fine. Also once I got a rather inappropriate goodbye at an office xmas party from a female employee. We both ignored it and are still pals. You just gotta pick the best tactic for the situation at hand.

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