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[PARANOIA] The Source Of All Things Good And Right In Alpha Complex

AriviaArivia Registered User
edited February 2011 in Critical Failures
Greetings, citizen!

Uh, hi. What is this?

You have been selected to become a Troubleshooter, citizen!

Wh-what's that?

You are one of the chosen few who are ch-ch-chosen to defend Alpha Complex against traitors, spies, and especially the evil Commies!

But I don't want to do that! I like my life, cleaning algae vats and eating Hot Fun three times a day!

Did you just disagree with the mighty Computer, citizen? You are only INFRARED, that is a treasonous act.

No! No! I'm not a traitor, I swear! What...what do I do?

Here, citizen!

A box extends from the wall, containing fourteen geometrically-shaped twenty-sided spherical objects

Pick those spheres up, roll them in your hands, citizen, and drop them back in the box.

Okay.

You do so.

Excellent, citizen! Your new skills and identity, service firm assignment, and Mandatory Bonus Duty have been uploaded to your ME Card, the common identification for all Alpha Complex citizens! Tell me, what is your name?

Uh...Elvis-Elvis-Elvis-4.

ERROR. Citizen names must follow this pattern: given name-clearance initial-birth sector-clone number. Elvis is NOT an acceptable clearance initial. As you are now RED as you are a Troubleshooter, you are now Elvis-R-Elvis-4.

Alright. Okay.

Another drawer extends from the wall, containing a red jumpsuit and reflective armor, personal data computer, and laser pistol.

Please put on your Troubleshooter uniform and weapon, Elvis-R.

Here? But there's 40 other people here! Getting naked in public is treasonous, you know!

Please put on your Troubleshooter uniform and weapon, Elvis-R.

*sigh*

You do so.

Now, as a troubleshooter, you find trouble and you shoot it! Isn't this fun? Specifically, you find mutants, commies, traitors, members of Dead Leopard, rogue servbots wielding cotton candy dispensers and any other menace to the citizens of Alpha Complex!

Great.

Troubleshooters serve in squads. If one of your fellow troubleshooters turns out to be a traitor, a mutant, or a member of a secret society, you must report them to the Computer immediately! Understood?

Yes.

*kzzt*

"Hey Elvis, this is your bassist from Dead Leopard - we're thinking of hitting up the algae dispensers tonight, putting in some sweet drugs-"

*kzzt*

What was that?

N-nothing.

Are you a traitor, Elvis-Elvis-Elvis-4?

No.

Good. Stay that way, lest there be consequences. Like being executed.

Yes Computer!

Now, citizen. Are you familiar with the differences between treason and insubordination?

Yes.

List them.

Okay.
Spoiler:

Excellent, citizen. But you forgot one important insubordination - responding to me without ending your sentence with "Yes, Computer." Luckily for you that is not treason and therefore I am only fining you one thousand credits.

But that's a month's wages!

That will be another thousand credits.

Yes, Computer.

Good little Troubleshooter!

Can I go and get my assignment now?

Yes.

Thank you, Computer.

Oh, Elvis? *happy whistle*

Yes?

I heard your radio transmission.

ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!

New clone for Elvis-R-Elvis 5 will arrive within ten minutes.


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Welcome to PARANOIA.
Spoiler:

Post edited by Arivia on
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