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My girlfriend thinks Im lying about random shit

CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
edited January 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
So here is the deal, my girlfriend lately thinks I have been lying to her a lot about small little things. For example, at the gym yesterday after we were done working out my girlfriend said I looked like I was about to pass out. I told her I felt fine, (I did feel fine). She said I was lying to her and that I didn't feel fine. I kept insisting that I felt fine and she kept insisting that I was lying. This has been happening a lot with little things and it is always with something I can't prove and the she can't prove, either about how I feel or what my intentions were etc. Another example is sometimes I am kind of a klutz, so sometimes I bump into people or things when walking etc. The other day I bumped into her and it was totally an accident. She got all pissed at me saying I bumped into her on purpose and why wouldn't I just admit that it was on purpose. I have no idea what to do about this situation, any advice?

CasedOut on
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Posts

  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Have you asked her why she thinks you are lying to her?

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  • SkyEyeSkyEye Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Have you tried talking to her? How long have you been going out? Trust is the thing that makes or breaks relationships. If she doesn't believe you on trivial details, you might not be able to count on her on more important matters.

    Steam: Autumn_Thunder - SC2: AutumnThundr.563 (NA) - Hearthstone: AutumnThundr.1383

  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    I have tried talking to her about this several times. I have asked her why she thinks I am lying, and she says because she can just tell, or she uses the situation and says "look at you I know for a fact you feel like you are going to pass out" when in fact I actually felt fine. Also we have been going out for almost 2 years.

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  • streeverstreever Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Has she been cheated on before? Does she have trust issues? Is the problem new?

  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    streever wrote: »
    Has she been cheated on before? Does she have trust issues? Is the problem new?

    As far as I know she hasn't ever been cheated on nor am I aware of any trust issues. The problem is definitely new, she seems to think she knows me better than I know myself or something it seems.

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  • streeverstreever Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I wouldn't discount the possibility that she is psychic.

    Seriously though, I know you've asked her about it, but have you told her it is frustrating for you, or explained that you don't like it? Maybe she is trying to be "motherly" or show you how much compassion she can have, and doing it poorly :), in the hopes that you'll start talking marriage/kids?

  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    streever wrote: »
    I wouldn't discount the possibility that she is psychic.

    Seriously though, I know you've asked her about it, but have you told her it is frustrating for you, or explained that you don't like it? Maybe she is trying to be "motherly" or show you how much compassion she can have, and doing it poorly :), in the hopes that you'll start talking marriage/kids?

    I have tried to tell her it frustrating, but she insists that I am still lying about it and why can't I just admit it. So she won't even care that I am frustrated because she thinks I am lying.

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  • Anon the FelonAnon the Felon In bat country.Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    It's also possible, and I hate to say this, but she could be hiding something herself and deflecting it onto you. I'm no accredited psychotherapist, but this is a pretty common practice among people who are generally honest folk.

    They have done something wrong to you or some one else, and it's big enough that they feel guilty. At the same time they lack the ability to express it, or fear that you will fly off the handle. So, they push the focus onto some one else constantly. By insinuating that you are a liar, mean, or distrustful, you are looking inward and not outward. This means she doesn't have to worry about you examining things and possibly finding out what she did. Odds are it's minute and you're not going to care, but she thinks you will.

    Now, I have no idea how to go about solving the issue. I just wanted to posit what I see this as. It's something to think about, perhaps some one else can point you in a direction of action.

  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I was thinking the same thing anon.

  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Unless she's suddenly developed an intense mistrust of you, or some sort of personality/behavior disorder, I'd guess there's probably something else wrong. It's just coming out with this behavior. I'd talk with her about how she's doing in a more general sense. Maybe she's just really stressed, or something about the relationship is bothering her that she doesn't want to bring up.

  • GaddezGaddez Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I suppose the logical question is: how much do you care about this girl? She seems to be subjecting you to some wierd emotional crap for no apparent reason, and if she can't give you a real reason for this it may be time to look into breaking up.

    I hope it doesn't come to that.

    Spoiler:
  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I'd suggest, as well, that this may just be a case of the stubborn rock meeting the hard place. After two years if your girlfriend believes that "she knows what's best for you", you may not have much of a choice. Is she the nurturing type?

    Does it ever get to actual arguing, or is it a smug "I know better"?

    I don't want to say this, but your girlfriend sounds like how my mother acts when she gets it into her head that she's going to take care of me and that she knows best.

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  • acidlacedpenguinacidlacedpenguin Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    you could try to prove that her read of your poker face is way off by actually playing poker with her and winning lots of money.

    edit: alternatively you could do so by playing any number of board/card/video games not for money. If you win a bunch of games of Mastermind in a row then maybe you'll be able to prove her read wrong.

    GT: Acidboogie PSNid: AcidLacedPenguiN
  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    It definitely gets into actual arguing. She never backs down though and she pretty much thinks I am always in the wrong about everything, I find myself conceding time and again just to make things smooth.

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  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    CasedOut wrote: »
    It definitely gets into actual arguing. She never backs down though and she pretty much thinks I am always in the wrong about everything, I find myself conceding time and again just to make things smooth.

    Sounds like being pig-headed more than anything else. Is this recent? any antecedents?

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  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    Nah its not really recent, I do my best to defuse arguments before they start but yeah when they do I always have to concede and then apologize. The whole she thinks I am lying thing is really recent though.

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  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Sometimes in a long relationship you run into minor bumps. She is likely stressed or agitated by something else, and is displacing that stress on you.

    If you love her, just be patient.

    3DS friendcode: 2380-4618-2503
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    CasedOut wrote: »
    Nah its not really recent, I do my best to defuse arguments before they start but yeah when they do I always have to concede and then apologize. The whole she thinks I am lying thing is really recent though.

    You may just want to be frank with her. That's not a healthy relationship at all. Tell her you don't appreciate the condescension and know-it-all attitude about your feelings and her telling you what you feel.

  • mysticjuicermysticjuicer Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    You can't have a relationship without trust, and it sounds like she doesn't trust you as far as she could throw something that you can't throw very far.

    narwhal wrote:
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  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    You can't have a relationship without trust, and it sounds like she doesn't trust you as far as she could throw something that you can't throw very far.

    Yeah well its worse now, because when she says shit that isn't true I just say yeah maybe to defuse it, then when its brought up later she was like omg you admitted it! I am like no I just said yeah maybe to smooth things over because I didn't feel like fighting and then she says well then how can i trust you?!?

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  • LinkInJoeLinkInJoe Registered User
    edited January 2011
    You could bring up the fact during the argument that there is no way that you can prove you weren't lying, and there is no way for her to prove that you were, so she should just trust you, because you have no reason to lie about such minute instances.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    To be honest, the first time someone pulled this crap with me I'd probably loose it on them telling them that I'm pretty damn sure I know what I'm thinking and feeling and that calling me a liar over it is just god damn stupid and really obnoxious. The second time it'd happen I'd probably just dump them because I'd have no urge to experience that amount of bullshit a third time.

    She's purposefully picking fights with you and when you bring it up to her she completely brushes off your feelings. This isn't a good relationship and you need to decide how long you want to stay with someone who constantly call you a liar.

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    It doesn't sound like a rational rebuttal is going to get you anywhere, so I think trying to "prove" that you're not lying is going to just make hermore angry

    It sounds like she's really stressed out and taking her frustration out on you. I would suggest asking her kindly if she's ok because you're worried about her stress level/workload at a time when she's not harping on you. And communicating to her that you're hurt and confused about the accusations might make her understand how irritated you are.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
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  • HeirHeir Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Answering with "Yeah maybe" to end the fight isn't helping. It's just reaffirming her feelings.

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  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    To be honest, the first time someone pulled this crap with me I'd probably loose it on them telling them that I'm pretty damn sure I know what I'm thinking and feeling and that calling me a liar over it is just god damn stupid and really obnoxious. The second time it'd happen I'd probably just dump them because I'd have no urge to experience that amount of bullshit a third time.

    She's purposefully picking fights with you and when you bring it up to her she completely brushes off your feelings. This isn't a good relationship and you need to decide how long you want to stay with someone who constantly call you a liar.

    I'd lime this whole thing, if it wouldn't blind everyone. She clearly does not trust you, as she's telling YOU (the only person who knows how YOU feel) how you feel. You need to have a looooong sit down, and tell her that this shit is not okay. It gets old, fast.

  • FirmSkaterFirmSkater Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    A lot of the time I've found that if a girl doesn't seem to trust you its because she doesn't entirely trust herself either.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    My bf (who's previous gf was a ball of crazy) suggested that she may have been crazy this entire time and you just missed the warning signs. Sometimes they wait until you're in a long term relationship before pulling out the really crazy shit. And at first you brush it off as an occasional thing but before you know it she's crazy all the time.

  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    All women are crazy. The key is just finding the kind of crazy you're ok with. I imagine vice versa is true as well.

  • RendRend Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    To be honest, the first time someone pulled this crap with me I'd probably loose it on them telling them that I'm pretty damn sure I know what I'm thinking and feeling and that calling me a liar over it is just god damn stupid and really obnoxious. The second time it'd happen I'd probably just dump them because I'd have no urge to experience that amount of bullshit a third time.

    She's purposefully picking fights with you and when you bring it up to her she completely brushes off your feelings. This isn't a good relationship and you need to decide how long you want to stay with someone who constantly call you a liar.

    I'd lime this whole thing, if it wouldn't blind everyone. She clearly does not trust you, as she's telling YOU (the only person who knows how YOU feel) how you feel. You need to have a looooong sit down, and tell her that this shit is not okay. It gets old, fast.

    Have either of you been in a long term relationship? There is no issue of deep set trust here, this is not her proving that the relationship is not going anywhere. If you decide someone is not for you based on the fact that this is something they started suddenly after two years, I am honestly wondering my question above. Serious relationships require patience.

    I mean I am pretty sure this is something that happened with everyone. I have been going out with my fiancee for over three years now and this happens every once in awhile, and it's happened on both sides.

    Either she's worried about you or she's really stressed out about something. I would say the latter is more likely because if it were the former, she would probably back down and try to be supportive instead of getting her way in the argument.

    If it were me, I would diffuse the argument and wait. Wait maybe an hour, maybe two, then find her when she's not too preoccupied, sit down, and ask earnestly if there's been anything bothering her. Tell her why you think there might be, and assure her that she can tell you if there is.

    If there's something up, you may have just solved your problem. If not, then you need to communicate to her that what's happening isn't healthy.

    Usagi had the right of it:
    Usagi wrote:
    It sounds like she's really stressed out and taking her frustration out on you. I would suggest asking her kindly if she's ok because you're worried about her stress level/workload at a time when she's not harping on you. And communicating to her that you're hurt and confused about the accusations might make her understand how irritated you are.

  • mysticjuicermysticjuicer Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    CasedOut wrote: »
    You can't have a relationship without trust, and it sounds like she doesn't trust you as far as she could throw something that you can't throw very far.

    Yeah well its worse now, because when she says shit that isn't true I just say yeah maybe to defuse it, then when its brought up later she was like omg you admitted it! I am like no I just said yeah maybe to smooth things over because I didn't feel like fighting and then she says well then how can i trust you?!?

    Can't blame you, I don't like getting into confrontations with the people who are close to me in life. But that behaviour's just been feeding her insecurity the whole time. Honestly, if you're not already ready to break up over this, then you've got to have a long heart-to-heart with her. And if your first instinct is to reply with "but I already did" then I think you already know you can't salvage this.

    narwhal wrote:
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  • FyreWulffFyreWulff Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2011
    She sounds like she's treating you like she's your mom. Does her mom talk like this to her all the time?

  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rend wrote: »
    Have either of you been in a long term relationship? There is no issue of deep set trust here, this is not her proving that the relationship is not going anywhere. If you decide someone is not for you based on the fact that this is something they started suddenly after two years, I am honestly wondering my question above. Serious relationships require patience.

    I mean I am pretty sure this is something that happened with everyone. I have been going out with my fiancee for over three years now and this happens every once in awhile, and it's happened on both sides.

    Either she's worried about you or she's really stressed out about something. I would say the latter is more likely because if it were the former, she would probably back down and try to be supportive instead of getting her way in the argument.

    If it were me, I would diffuse the argument and wait. Wait maybe an hour, maybe two, then find her when she's not too preoccupied, sit down, and ask earnestly if there's been anything bothering her. Tell her why you think there might be, and assure her that she can tell you if there is.

    I've been in 2 long term relationships, and I can tell you one thing, when someone tells you you're feeling something, or are something, etc, when you're not, and you tell them that you're not, and they keep insisting that you are and that you're LYING to them...there is a problem. It's an even bigger problem when this is consistently happening, and you have to make a thread on the internet about it asking for help. Notice how I never said for him to break up with her, and how he should have a long sit down with her and talk this shit out? I said that because relationships require work, and if there is a problem, you should never just pull the trigger and break up with out talking about it first.
    When I was in my first LTR, the ridiculousness didn't come out right away. There were red flags that I ignored, I admit, but him telling me what I thought and how I felt and accusing me of lying to him (yes, believe it or not the same thing happened to me, and a lot of other people, and that's why it's hard for me to be sympathetic towards his girlfriend), didn't happen until a year and a half into the relationship.


    Like I said before. Sit down with her, and talk it out. If this continues, you're going to have to decide if it's something you can handle.

    Edit: And to add, I'm living with my boyfriend of a year and a half, and every disagreement we've had resulted in us talking about it and sorting the issues out in a calm manner. He has never accused me of lying to him, and I haven't done that to him.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rend wrote: »
    To be honest, the first time someone pulled this crap with me I'd probably loose it on them telling them that I'm pretty damn sure I know what I'm thinking and feeling and that calling me a liar over it is just god damn stupid and really obnoxious. The second time it'd happen I'd probably just dump them because I'd have no urge to experience that amount of bullshit a third time.

    She's purposefully picking fights with you and when you bring it up to her she completely brushes off your feelings. This isn't a good relationship and you need to decide how long you want to stay with someone who constantly call you a liar.

    I'd lime this whole thing, if it wouldn't blind everyone. She clearly does not trust you, as she's telling YOU (the only person who knows how YOU feel) how you feel. You need to have a looooong sit down, and tell her that this shit is not okay. It gets old, fast.

    Have either of you been in a long term relationship? There is no issue of deep set trust here, this is not her proving that the relationship is not going anywhere. If you decide someone is not for you based on the fact that this is something they started suddenly after two years, I am honestly wondering my question above. Serious relationships require patience.

    I mean I am pretty sure this is something that happened with everyone. I have been going out with my fiancee for over three years now and this happens every once in awhile, and it's happened on both sides.

    Either she's worried about you or she's really stressed out about something. I would say the latter is more likely because if it were the former, she would probably back down and try to be supportive instead of getting her way in the argument.

    If it were me, I would diffuse the argument and wait. Wait maybe an hour, maybe two, then find her when she's not too preoccupied, sit down, and ask earnestly if there's been anything bothering her. Tell her why you think there might be, and assure her that she can tell you if there is.

    If there's something up, you may have just solved your problem. If not, then you need to communicate to her that what's happening isn't healthy.

    Actually yes, in fact I'm living with my bf of four years who is not completely paranoid that I'm always lying to him. And when I tell him something frustrates me (as the OP has done) he does not completely ignore what I'm saying and insist I'm lying (as his the OP's gf has done). Because we're in a healthy relationship he doesn't accuse me of lying every day about ridiculous things and get mad and start a fight when I don't agree with him right away.

    And no, what happening to the OP is not normal and is not something that should happen in a healthy relationship and since the OP's gf turns him bringing it up into an argument he does not have to eat shit just because they're dating.

  • Regina FongRegina Fong Allons-y, Alonso Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    CasedOut wrote: »
    It definitely gets into actual arguing. She never backs down though and she pretty much thinks I am always in the wrong about everything, I find myself conceding time and again just to make things smooth.

    I would say take a step back and re-read the bolded part of what you said.

    If this is an exaggeration made out of frustration, OK.

    If this is an accurate description of her behavior, then I suggest you end this abusive relationship now.

  • RendRend Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Actually yes, in fact I'm living with my bf of four years who is not completely paranoid that I'm always lying to him. And when I tell him something frustrates me (as the OP has done) he does not completely ignore what I'm saying and insist I'm lying (as his the OP's gf has done). Because we're in a healthy relationship he doesn't accuse me of lying every day about ridiculous things and get mad and start a fight when I don't agree with him right away.

    And no, what happening to the OP is not normal and is not something that should happen in a healthy relationship and since the OP's gf turns him bringing it up into an argument he does not have to eat shit just because they're dating.

    Well, congratulations and I am happy for you and your success, and I mean that with no sarcasm or mis-intent. Perhaps I was a bit short-sighted when I addressed you and Alyce, but I feel like a lot of people are jumping to huge conclusions here.

    I know that my GF and I both do things like this when we get stressed out. With us, the key is that at this point we both recognize that we do it, and we both recognize the other does it, so now when we point it out, we can address the problem at hand instead of it snowballing out of control. It's all about learning to communicate with one another. We all do things that are imperfect.

    Of course there are red flags here, and if they end up being indications of the relationship being truly unhealthy, then that's a different story altogether, but I don't think that's the first conclusion that anyone should come to.

  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rend wrote: »

    I know that my GF and I both do things like this when we get stressed out. With us, the key is that at this point we both recognize that we do it, and we both recognize the other does it, so now when we point it out, we can address the problem at hand instead of it snowballing out of control. It's all about learning to communicate with one another. We all do things that are imperfect.

    That's the thing though, that's not what's happening with the OP and his lady. She apparently keeps on insisting that he's lying, to the point where an argument breaks out, and he concedes, which is not healthy at all.
    They either need to learn to communicate, find out if he can deal with that type of behavior, or break it off.

  • TankHammerTankHammer Extreme Ghostbuster Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I'm going to just throw this idea out here and let it float:

    If my long-term girlfriend tells me how she feels then I have no reason to believe she isn't being honest with me. I'd have a discussion and wouldn't shut her down or get mad that she was mature enough to bring up an emotional concern.

    If I didn't believe her and actually thought I had reason to believe that she was lying about her feelings and wouldn't admit having a problem over more than a couple weeks I would start to question my relationship. It's unhealthy to have a serious mistrust in your significant other and would certainly lead to a breakup if it wasn't solved.

    So either the OP is telling the truth and his girlfriend is acting out on some internalized trust problems she needs to deal with or the girlfriend can't trust her boyfriend and needs to deal with that. If this isn't something both parties can discuss on the same level then breaking up is the only option other than a life of quiet misery and compromise inter-spaced with barely-restrained, open hostility.

    Don't let fear of being alone keep you in this abusive relationship.

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  • Regina FongRegina Fong Allons-y, Alonso Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Constant attempts to undermine someone in a relationship by making them always wrong, picking up on every single thing they say and turning it into an argument until they are forced to back down and agree with you isn't a "red flag". It is abusive, controlling behavior. Period.

    If the OP were the one doing this, then he would need all sorts of advice. He's not though, so the only advice he really needs is "Leave."

    Now, it's up to the OP to decide if he's really being fair in his assessment of the girlfriend's behavior. He could easily be exaggerating.

    But if his description is indeed accurate, then this isn't a frustrated girlfriend, it is a woman who prepping her victim by destroying his self-esteem and his ability to resist her.

    Frustrated people in a relationship will start arguments over nothing, yes. But they won't start an argument over everything and then always insist on winning it.

    That's not frustration, it's control.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rend wrote: »

    I know that my GF and I both do things like this when we get stressed out. With us, the key is that at this point we both recognize that we do it, and we both recognize the other does it, so now when we point it out, we can address the problem at hand instead of it snowballing out of control. It's all about learning to communicate with one another. We all do things that are imperfect.

    That's the thing though, that's not what's happening with the OP and his lady. She apparently keeps on insisting that he's lying, to the point where an argument breaks out, and he concedes, which is not healthy at all.
    They either need to learn to communicate, find out if he can deal with that type of behavior, or break it off.

    Bing! Alyce hit it dead on. It's one thing to get into stupid fights and apologize. What he's getting is a big red flag. If she were stopping and apologizing for yelling at him when he brought it up that'd be different (but still not good if she's doing it a lot). Instead she's yelling at him again and telling him he's lying.

  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    How much do you know about your girlfriend's past relationships? Has she had guys lie/abuse/cheat in the past? Has she recently had a close friend do something like this to her? She could be in a place where she is just waiting for something terrible to happen, so she's fishing you out.

    Talk to her. Be completely honest. STOP conceding when she behaves this way. By apologizing to her, you're showing her that her behaviour was justified, and she's going to continue to follow these false hunches in the future.

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