Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

My girlfriend thinks Im lying about random shit

2»

Posts

  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    This relationship seems to have no humor. Humor does a great job of getting over petty arguments all couples seem to have. I find not caring about silly things the best way to get my wife not to care about them.

  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited January 2011
    When I was in my first LTR, the ridiculousness didn't come out right away. There were red flags that I ignored, I admit, but him telling me what I thought and how I felt and accusing me of lying to him (yes, believe it or not the same thing happened to me, and a lot of other people, and that's why it's hard for me to be sympathetic towards his girlfriend), didn't happen until a year and a half into the relationship.

    Not my first relationship, but for me it was about a month and a half of actually living with the guy. I had never experienced anything like that in a relationship, and I at first pegged it as occasional fighting, which many couples do. It was a couple months before I recognized it for what it was, and I should have dropped the whole thing like it was hot right then. The thing is, after a while conceding to end a fight about whether or not you're mad or whether or not someone said something bad about him because you know that it will end a fight that will otherwise last for days... that does something to you. And pretty soon my concession wasn't enough to put an issue to rest anymore.

    I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I do think that it's something that needs fixing. If telling her that all of this is hurting you isn't enough to make her re-examine this behavior then I would definitely be wary.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
    Dear Satan...
  • InfidelInfidel Heretic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Don't concede, it is only going to foster an abusive relationship.

    You don't need to end the relationship but you guys need to have a talk about this where she can come to an understanding. If she refuses to, well, what kind of future are you honestly expecting with this girl?

    TwitchTV channel: OrokosPA OrokosPA
    Play D&D 4e? :: Check out Orokos and upload your Character Builder sheet! :: Orokos Dice Roller
    The PhalLounge :: Chat board for Critical Failures IRC! :: #CriticalFailures and #mafia on irc.slashnet.org
  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle and you're not happy, but you're funny and I'm tripping over my joyRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Sorry, didn't have time to read page 2, but has anyone suggested you two see a neutral third party?

    It could be a really good friend you both trust to be neutral or a therapist. Because it doesn't sound like she ever backs down and you do just to not fight. I'd usually do the same thing, honestly. Fighting over such a minor thing as being really tired after a workout is dumb, so I get where you're coming from.

    If she can hear what you've been telling her from a neutral person, it would hopefully help. Best of luck, CO!

    edit: And it is so infuriating to me when people try to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling. Really trips my trigger. Serenity now, serenity now, etc.

    I'm a published writer and have a very unique and interesting writing style. I'm also sharp and witty. My profile is well-written and hilarious. My messages are likewise brilliant. And I've been doing this stuff for...four or five years. I know what "works" in terms of good internet dating writing. "Works" in the sense of leading to a "date" with a human female.
  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Important to note, don't concede and say "you're right i feel X" but also just don't get in an argument at all. Just flat out refuse. If she starts up say "I'm sorry but i feel like this is not contructive/healthy" and stop talking maybe really move physically away.

    Someone shoud look at my phrasing i'm very bad at not sounding agressive. Not fighting and also not conceding is the way to open up a real conversation i think.

    You know who I fucking hate? Pony.

    I don't know why, I just felt the need to say that.
  • SpawnbrokerSpawnbroker Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Every time your girlfriend says "You don't actually feel that way, you're lying!" What she is really saying is this:

    You can't feel the way you actually feel, you have to feel the way that she wants you to feel. Anything else is lying. As an aside, lying is usually defined as the cardinal sin of relationships. If you're lying to your significant other, most people find that pretty abhorrent. So she's telling you that your feelings aren't true (they're lies) while at the same time making you, over time, feel bad about feeling the way you do naturally.

    And after a while, you start to concede the point because you just don't want to fight. Then you might actually start feeling that way, and she might even badger you to the point where she convinces you she's right. She will have replaced your feelings with her own, with the way she wants you to feel.

    Does that sound like a relationship you want to be in? If not, you'd better talk to her about it. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, I don't think many of us would. Since you're posting here about it, I'd say the problem is probably pretty serious, and you should take it seriously. It's controlling, emotionally abusive behavior and it needs to stop.

    3DS: 5043-2471-1061
    Battle.net: Spawnbroker#1471
    Nintendo Network ID: Spawnbroker
  • JonGericJonGeric Registered User
    edited January 2011
    oh my god im can't believe i just read this!...everytime she asks you something from now on say "oh i'm sorry that wasn't the question we were looking for" or "would you like to make it a true daily double?"

  • edited January 2011
    An ex-girlfriend of mine always assumed I was lying to her from around the two year mark right up until it ended on the fifth. I always used to laugh it off, and that used to make her even more angry, which would make me laugh more. We used to have some truly epic arguments.

    Anyway, unfortunately, I was lying to her about a load of things towards the end, but the reason she was so dubious of my actions and intentions in the first place was because she was painfully insecure. Is it possible that your girlfriend is feeling the same?

    I'll be back for breakfast.
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User
    edited January 2011
    Important to note, don't concede and say "you're right i feel X" but also just don't get in an argument at all. Just flat out refuse. If she starts up say "I'm sorry but i feel like this is not contructive/healthy" and stop talking maybe really move physically away.

    Someone shoud look at my phrasing i'm very bad at not sounding agressive. Not fighting and also not conceding is the way to open up a real conversation i think.

    I wonder if the reason any way of phrasing that comes off aggressive is because it completely kills any conversation that could come from the topic at hand?

    Maybe a segue or broaching the topic without validating her statement would be better?

    Like when she said he must feel faint instead of saying 'I'm fine' saying 'Why, do I look funny? Cuz I feel alright'.

    Hopefully that way instead of getting defensive the conversation might continue to the point where the actual issue comes up?

    Edit: I mean, it's obviously not gonna suddenly be about why your a constant liar in her mind, but maybe it'd open the lines of communication more if her defenses aren't being triggered so much. Doesn't mean you have to pussyfoot around her constantly, but being a little more mindful of how you say stuff could go a long way. Plus a lot of dedication to not get sucked into the old routine.

    Spoiler:
  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    "You feel okay? You don't look okay."

    "I'm fine."

    "Don't lie. You're lying."

    "You're right, I'm lying. I truly feel awful. Would you please go and get me a glass of cold water? Honey?"

    edit: i know this works because i cop it all the time. my girlfriend is a master of the gently sarcastic concession of argument. this isn't 'trust issues', it's just gentle human neuroticism which we all have to learn to deal with in whatever way we can, especially when we want significant relationships. you'll figure it out.

    sig_zps00ca6d07.jpg
  • DarkMechaDarkMecha The Outer SpaceRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    CasedOut wrote: »
    You can't have a relationship without trust, and it sounds like she doesn't trust you as far as she could throw something that you can't throw very far.

    Yeah well its worse now, because when she says shit that isn't true I just say yeah maybe to defuse it, then when its brought up later she was like omg you admitted it! I am like no I just said yeah maybe to smooth things over because I didn't feel like fighting and then she says well then how can i trust you?!?

    I don't know how long this has been going on, but be very careful about constantly conceding / bending to defuse arguments or just so that things will be "ok". They likely will not, because a relationship should be about give and take, helping each other as equals to be better partners and people in general.

    It was similar for me in my last relationship, not so much a trust thing but constantly capitulating and such. About 2 years or so into it (lasted 3.5) she suddenly would have some thing she didn't like and we'd argue about it, but because I loved her and put alot of trust / faith in her, I just kept conceding. I figured she knew what she was talking about, maybe I just wasn't good enough. I'll admit too, a part of that was that I was afraid she'd leave me if I didn't change. I'd constantly try and change myself to be more how she wanted me. It worked for awhile, things seemed fantastic and then suddenly she just left me.

    I think in the end, if anything works long term, it has to be 50/50. That especially includes trust!

    Steam Profile | Check out my space ships! | 3DS FC: 3754-6679-5676
  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    eternalbl wrote: »
    Important to note, don't concede and say "you're right i feel X" but also just don't get in an argument at all. Just flat out refuse. If she starts up say "I'm sorry but i feel like this is not contructive/healthy" and stop talking maybe really move physically away.

    Someone shoud look at my phrasing i'm very bad at not sounding agressive. Not fighting and also not conceding is the way to open up a real conversation i think.

    I wonder if the reason any way of phrasing that comes off aggressive is because it completely kills any conversation that could come from the topic at hand?

    Oh well that was, what i was suggesting. Just don't talk to her if she tries to get you into an argument. Your way might work though. My idea was to shock her into realizing this wan't a proper form of discourse. Shock by just refusing to talk when the "you're lying, no i'm not" thing comes up.

    You know who I fucking hate? Pony.

    I don't know why, I just felt the need to say that.
  • CasedOutCasedOut Registered User
    edited January 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone, the issue isn't fully solved yet I don't feel, but I do have a lot now to think about and be wary of in the future when situations like this come up.

    452773-1.png
  • RadicalTurnipRadicalTurnip Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Sorry, didn't have time to read page 2, but has anyone suggested you two see a neutral third party?

    It could be a really good friend you both trust to be neutral or a therapist. Because it doesn't sound like she ever backs down and you do just to not fight. I'd usually do the same thing, honestly. Fighting over such a minor thing as being really tired after a workout is dumb, so I get where you're coming from.

    If she can hear what you've been telling her from a neutral person, it would hopefully help. Best of luck, CO!

    edit: And it is so infuriating to me when people try to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling. Really trips my trigger. Serenity now, serenity now, etc.

    I want this to get more attention, it sounds like a good thing.

    A question: Have you given her reason to be mistrustful of you previously?

    An idea: try talking to her about this when it isn't a hot issue. Don't say "you always think I'm lying" right after she says your lying. That just starts a fight...but once things are tranquil (and I know this is hard to do because you've been trying to avoid confrontation) you need to bring up the issue. If she's an interrupter, ask her to hear you out entirely before you even begin and she knows what you're going to talk about.

    Once she learns that its important enough to you that you bring it up (and not just use it in a defensive manner) *hopefully* she'll start realizing that her actions are not okay. If she does not, then you possibly need to have an out-and-out fight that you *do not* concede on (make sure that you're actually telling the truth on this, so that when it gets hard you can stick by the truth). I know fights suck, and rarely anyone would tell anyone else to actually have one...and there *should* be better ways of dealing with things, but sometimes a fight is what's needed with certain people. I don't know what tactics she uses to get you to concede, but you probably do. Be ready for them...and a few more to boot. Possibly be willing to let the issue drop without reaching an agreement, but I agree with everyone that says you need to stop submitting all the time.

    Just my 2cp worth.

2»
Sign In or Register to comment.