I come from a rather large family, and semi-annually I get to see most of my siblings and their children. I get along well with most of them, but I have this one unrepentant asshole of a brother who is basically intolerable to be around. We'll call him "Jimmy."
Initially, I resolved this by moving to a different town from "Jimmy," and I figured that with distance he would seem less grating, that I'd be able to deal with his madness more easily. He is the sibling closest to me in age, so there's more baggage with him than with any other sibling, which could cause bad feelings. The problem is that he really is anti-social, I'm not just manufacturing it based on our relationship. When I don't see him for 6 months, I have a tendency to think, "Oh he's not as bad as all that. I'm sure he's just a guy like any other. And having kids has probably mellowed him out and given him some empathy." But then I arrive at my hometown and he instantly makes me regret any kind feelings I had toward him.
Some of his transgressions:
- Slapping our sister "Sharon" on the butt (she's 39, he's 35)
(This one creeped me out quite a bit. Brothers should not be touching their sister's asses.)
- Meeting girls other than his wife to work out with and be texting buddies with, and telling his wife that "this is the American way and she just doesn't understand." (his wife is from Taiwan) Note also that his wife supports him, he has no job.
- generally being a rude dick to everyone, and then whining about how everybody hates him for "no reason." This has been a constant with him for as long as I can remember.
- In the midst of a disagreement with my brother "Randall", it was requested by "Randall" that my opinion be sought on the subject. This is after I heard no part of the conversation and didn't even know that they were arguing. "Jimmy's" response was, "What's the point in asking her? She's a psycho bitch." (Granted, you have no way of knowing whether I am legitimately a psycho bitch or not since none of you know me. It still wasn't a nice thing to say, especially when I hadn't provoked it)
I can't really give details as to the years of crazy from this guy, because it would take too long. Suffice it to say that nearly everything that comes out of his mouth in recent years is fecal, and that he has managed to offend nearly every member of my family. This past holiday, I suggested to my mother, without malice, that I think he needs therapy.
So my question is, how do I deal with his unpleasantness and still have happy times with the rest of my family? Do I just act like he hasn't spoken, or is that just inviting more of such comments? Do I simply avoid him at all costs? (Not always possible). Certainly arguing with him is pointless. My father, who is an old fashioned "man's man" type, thinks that I should slap "Jimmy" if he says things like that to me. I pointed out that "Jimmy" might very well slap me back. When he slapped "Sharon" on the butt, she got her football player son to put "Jimmy" in a choke hold until he tapped out, as a means to let "Jimmy" know that he was being inappropriate. But frankly, I do not think violence will help this situation. "Jimmy" does not have a good sense of what is appropriate socially and what is not, unless you copy his acts and use them on him, then suddenly he understands immediately what's wrong with saying/doing those things - yet he can't seem to apply that knowledge to himself. At this point I have no interest in trying to help him figure anything out, I just want to know how to deal with him without losing my happiness at visiting my other relatives.