Backstory of my excuse first. Please read if you have the time, as I feel (and hope) it applies.
I grew up in a house with my brother (lets call him Randolf). At first we fought all the time, but eventually we became really close friends. Randolf is diagnosed ADHD (I know there's an over diagnosis epidemic of this...but I think he really is) and was on treatment while he was in school, but we're both our grandparent's grandsons (if that makes sense) and are cheapwads, so once he started working, he didn't want to pay for it, and so has done fine without it.
But anyway he (and I'll admit, I) will get bored easily and so we're always goofing around with each other. We're fairly physical in our play, even though I'm 25 and he's 27, we'll smack each other and poke each other and stuff like that...to a point where it's mildly painful...but neither of us really mind pain all that much...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Anyway, so when my brother does something physically that I don't like, even when he's playing around (for whatever reason) my response is also physical, and it's sort of a method of communication (I guess) we've had for a while. It works...for us.
Now, slightly more backstory that is directly relevant. In middle school I had this suspicion (before I ever heard that some companies actually do this) that chapstick and lotion were made to relieve painful lips or hands (or whatever) for a little while, but actually made them worse. So I did an experiment and stopped using Chapstick and lotion for three months. I found that after the first month or so, I could actually get by pain-free and with fairly well moisturized skin if I kept drinking enough water. So, I stopped using lotion and chapstick.
Apparently this became a big deal for me, because I don't even like the feel of lotion or chapstick anymore...and I don't like it getting on me. It's not that big of a deal, it's not like I hide from it or run screaming...but if I had the choice, I'd never touch chapstick or lotion ever again. My wife, however, uses both fairly regularly (as is common). I of course jibe her and talk about how gross it is or whatever (and she knows I don't like kissing her/holding her hand right after such an application).
We're almost 2-months married, so we're still settling in and getting used to each others quarks and oddities. So far, it's been amazing and awesome and I love spending time with her and getting to know her better...as well as learning a lot about myself.
So...my wife had been commenting on how dry my knees are for a day or two, and then one evening while I was brushing my teeth, she came up behind me and suddenly started rubbing lotion on my knees. I sort of lashed out without really thinking what I was doing. I didn't hit her hard...she didn't fall back or anything; but I hit her harder than what would be considered playful. I tried to explain to her a little, and I'm fairly certain she forgives me...
But now I'm really worried. I'm fairly certain that if I were really angry, I wouldn't use violence...but how sure can I be now? I don't really get angry...but what if I did? I mean, it wasn't a spinal reaction...I jumped a little because I was surprised about the sudden contact with my knees. But it took processing to figure out there was lotion on there...I hit because of the lotion, not because of the surprise.
I didn't realize it was that big of a deal to me until then, but apparently it is. And also, apparently, all the rough-housing with my brother has left me with a bit of a social cripple when it comes to people I'm very close to.
I'll be honest; I'm coming here mostly for comfort and/or affirmation that just because I did something like this doesn't mean I'll resort to spousal (or child, when the time comes) abuse. But I also respect the opinion of this community, and so I want to get some insight. Thanks H/A.