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Mod Forum Phalla: The Thread
Posts
Narration to follow.
"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but it dies in the process."
Imagine all of my posts being spoken by Alec Baldwin
GamerTag: MunkusBeaver ||||| Steam: munkus
lost my LoL game. hope i have better luck in here
You have been trying to put the focus on Larlar for quite some time now.
Damn you, Munkus.
The only woman ever to be knighted in Arcadia was watching the sun set. She had done all she could. Pleas were made and deals were brokered, but in the end she was helpless to stop it from coming. All of her strength and influence were nothing compared to the power of a short length of rope.
“I shall not die quivering or sniveling.” She looked at the gallows-man, someone who she had known for years as a friend. “Do me this one last favor. Let me have my pride at least.”
The man nodded solemnly and set the hood down. He looked one last time at the golden-haired woman once called knight. The lever was pulled with a creak, the trapdoor dropped without fanfare. The proud lady died with her chin held high, the only dignity afforded to treacherous souls.
* * * * * * *
Three knights stood at the windows of the hallowed hall, watching the deadly pantomime play out before them. As the lifeless body swing, one knight felt the pangs of regret.
“Look there Whoopsie,” whispered Moe. “That is not the face of a coward. I fear we have been deceived.”
“On dear Ceres life, the sun has set. But this noble knight has no regrets! I used quite sound logical practice to issue my charge against the cactus!”
Moe sighed heavily. “My talents are wasted in the company of madmen.”
The cactus said nothing.
* * * * * * *
While Moe and Whoopsie waxed philosophically about the fate of their peers, three figures entered the castle. The guards recognized their garb as foreign, but made no move to subdue. Their faces were familiar to all who had business in the royal court.
No alarm was raised to the meeting hall.
They were all dressed in black, from bootstraps to helmet plumes. Each gloved hand was lined with intricate gold lacing, polished to an exquisite sheen that shined darkly. Each carried a long sword sheathed in dark leather on their back. Each bore the hedgehog crest of Toob Pendragon on the cloak and banners. They were identically dressed in this manner, except one had taken careful pain to hammer out a perfectly sculpted set of abs onto his breastplate. One had decided that this was a sharp idea, but had given up halfway through once he discovered that steel is hard to bend. However, his half-pec was exquisitely sculpted with expert-ish craftsmanship.
They formally announced themselves to the remaining loyal knights by kicking down the ironclad doors of the hall. With a mighty KLANG, the door fell down and the curtain of deception flew up. Sir Geebs, Sir Duck, and Sir Irond Will stood swords drawn and poised to attack.
“Ya boys should make this real easy now,” said Geebs, pushing his obsidian visor up to allow his beard to breath. “Yer outnumbered and ya’re servin a dead crown.”
Moe drew his sword and responded, “Toob is a greedy and callous man! A knight is a man of the people! His legacy on the throne shall be writ with their blood”
Duck smirked, then cackled a shrilly. “Better the pen than the ink, boy.” He pointed toward Whoopsie. “And you?”
Whoopsie grinned wildly. “One and one and one makes THREE! But us also, with sir shrubbery!”
“You IDIOT! How can we be aided by that…THING?!”
Duck and Geebs both exchanged a furtive glance of minor shock. “Heh, we didn’t afford ye as much credit as ye deserve, lad!” Geebs grinned. “Noticed the difference in its fertilizer did ye?”
“Oh gods, we face certain defeat,” Whoopsie groaned. “Our treacherous foes tactize to cheat!”
“I uh…I got dibs on the cactus milord,” whispered Irond Will.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!” Sir Moe erupted into a whirlwind of rage, swinging wildly at his enemies, preventing a counter attack through his reckless flurry. Duck moved in gentle, fluid motions to avoid the onslaught. He waited for the right moment then… “NOW GEEBS!” Moe swung low toward Duck’s left side and began to arc it to the sky. In an instant, Duck brought his hand down on the sword with a loud KLANG! A thousand pieces of steel showered the air with colorful drops of crimson dancing from shard to shard. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Duck grinned.
Geebs ducked under Whoopsies initial swing, punching the madcap knight in the stomach as he rose up. Whoopsie was brought to his knees, momentarily winded, but managed to roll at the last second to avoid fatal strike to his head.
“Ha! Behold my reflexes! That of a cat!” Whoopsie parried a strike at his chest and dove over the followup kick. “You’ll never kill me with moves like that.”
“You…rhyming…prick,” wheezed Geebs. “I ain’t….tryin tah kill ya…”
“You’re not doing? You’re not trying?” laughed Whoopsie. “Good for me! I don’t plan on”
The sword pierced his armor, sundering his spine. His heart beat once. Twice. He moved his mouth, but his words fell silent. Unable to speak, he used his last strength to finish his rhyme with professional grade pantomime.
Duck leaned on Whoopsie for a moment of support, the hefted his sword free using one arm. The other dangled useless and red at his side.
“And what of Moe?” said Geebs, still trying to catch his breath.
“Escaped.” Duck coughed small red droplets onto the marble floor. “But with no sword, he is no knight. How long will he endure the gutterborn life again? Here he was a human being, a man with rights. Now he….*cough* *cough* has all the rights of chattel.”
Sir Irond Will suddenly appeared from behind a pillar. “Right milord! We’ve got to tend to those wounds right away, milord. I’ll uh….I’ll go fetch a nurse or something…”
“Yes, run away and get…”
“I did NOT run away! No!”
All eyes paused on Sir Irond Will for a moment.
“Oh. Right sir. Running away as fast as I can sir.”
“Argh” Geebs grunted as he helped Sir Duck back to his feet. “At least this mess is done with. We’re the last knights of the old guard and the first nights of the new guard.”
“Yes we *cough* we *cough**wheeze* are, sir Geebs. Yes we are.”
The final two fighters excited the room, leaving in the distance one potted plant.
He was not happy about the death of ceres. He was not happy about the black knights coming into power and killing the boy king to put Tuub Pendragon into power. The poisonous fertilizer were starting to take root and had begun creeping up his complex water storage mechanism. In the end, Larlar truly had no regrets. He not think of anyone as an enemy or even as a bitter rival. And while he truly did not expect to die an unmarried bachelor, this fact did not bother him at all in his final moments.
The sun began to rise on the grisly scene that was the Castle of Arcadia.
The cactus said nothing.
The cactus died.
THE END THANKS FOR PLAYING
"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but it dies in the process."
Imagine all of my posts being spoken by Alec Baldwin
GamerTag: MunkusBeaver ||||| Steam: munkus
"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but it dies in the process."
Imagine all of my posts being spoken by Alec Baldwin
GamerTag: MunkusBeaver ||||| Steam: munkus
Truly this has been the highlight of my week!
i'm sorry
i always remember partway through phallas that i don't like being deceitful
at least i got to poison a cactus
This all went to shit the moment ceres told me she wasn't PMing with anyone and then immediately started talking to SMWM. I was sure she was evil. So close.
I made up my own Special Ability and agenda and tried to use that to suss out who was under what alignment.
It wasn't a complete disaster.
It was like a freaking game of sudoku, and ceres went in the wrong box. The rest fell apart from there. I even once suspected Will again after working with him for what seemed like half a day, and had to dismiss the idea once it contradicted ceres' status.
Everyone blame ceres for not being a Black Knight. Totally her fault.
I've never done this before, so I wasn't sure if there was a method to how I was supposed to start talking to people or what. So I just waited, and the only person who PM'd me was Jeffe. So I decided that Jeffe was a good guy definitely because he was being secret friends with me. Then he was the next to go and I was sad and back to square one. Grifter was the first person mentioned that day, so I hopped on the bandwagon. When Larlar started on me, and started saying that this and that was obvious when the only evidence I could find to support it was that he said so, I got very suspicious.
Then SMWN started talking to me and said he didn't care if I was a black knight or not if I had some information, which unfortunately I didn't, but I didn't care because I had a secret friend again so I decided I'd vote with him and damn Larlar and his "because I said so's".
And that is how that went down.
This is adorable
I was the only one you could trust who didn't stab you in the back, Larlar. How does that feel?
And before I could pass on any useful intel!
Even though I died right out of the gate, I had a kick following the game, and Munkus put out some genuinely awesome narrations. Very Pratchett-esque. I kept expecting Death to show up.
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
man i played no part in killing you!
actually none of us black knights even knew that we could issue a kill order. so munkus sent us a last-minute PM and someone else gave the order.
I totally would have done it though. black knights can't afford to have busybodies milling about and forming alliances and stuff
Larlar's last PM was so hopeful before the narration went up. I really thought we had a shot.
Next time we play I am killing you square away. I don't even care if I'm a bad guy or not. I will lobby whoever's hosting to implement a special role for me called "Kill that bastard Will."
My idea at the start was to contact a couple of people that I figured I knew well enough to maybe know if they were being dishonest. I've played with you in past games, so I figured you were a good choice. And ceres had never played before, so I hoped that if she was evil she would be more likely to tip her hand or act suspiciously.
And I was just thinking before the first night's narration, "Okay, I'm pretty sure ceres is safe, and I'm pretty wary about Will, so I should probably let ceres know in the event that I wind up dead, hmm, what's this oh goddammit."
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"