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Let us "rap" with Victorian Diction

ZoelZoel Registered User regular
edited February 2011 in Social Entropy++
It has recently come to my attention that there is a new musical form known chiefly as "rap" practiced by gentlemen who use a manner of speech quite unlike any we have heard before. It filled me with despair to know that these lyrical masterpieces could not be appreciated by those of us with more delicate sensibilities. Recently, an acquaintance of mine attempted to remedy this with some rather stunning adaptations. The following work is quite incredible, and I wish that I were capable of writing something one fifth as engaging. Behold the translation of a one OrangeJulius, below.
Given the frequency with which matters of grave importance arise in the tumultuous and oft impoverished urban neighborhoods south of Los Angeles proper, I often find simple existence to be a trying concern. However, in some fashion I find difficult to put into words, I am still able to derive, often daily, works one might describe as baroque or avant-garde. With that in mind, as I find myself without any pressing engagements, I should welcome you, good friend, into my domicile, so that I might relate to you a brief anecdote or two in the hope that such a tale should lighten your purse a pence or two in compensation.

Fear not waking my mother, for she is not about, and indeed because of this, the revelry and merrymaking of this evening's fete has not yet subsided, even at this late hour of two. Several members of the fairer sex have congregated in my parlor, and are engaged in the act of lovemaking. I have their personal assurance that they will not be departing until the hour of six. With that in mind, I put forth this query: what activities would you prefer to partake in? Verily, I have several prophylactics on my person, as do the gentleman who accompany me. I will take no offense should you turn down the lantern and shut the door! I myself may do the same, but let us both admit, we carry no lasting adoration for these strumpets. Perhaps in addition to intercourse, we shall inhale the smoke of smoldering cannabis while we dance to the sounds of a wax cylinder rotating on my phonograph.

Verily, I have obtained some distilled alcohol flavored with juniper berries, distributed by Diageo PLC under the brand name "Seagrams", and it seems that everyone has a receptacle for said spirit yet no one has contributed any tender towards its procurement. The occurrence of this particular scenario being the norm, I find it not uncivil to partake in this beverage before anyone else has had a chance to do the same. Nothing is troubling or melancholy for those who hark to the words I speak. Often spoken with a timbre and pitch so as to resemble sing-song, and uttered while standing in the middle of the thoroughfare and imbibing a delicate aperitif, these words catch the ear like the song of the Sirens, and not soon afterwards, I am moved to become amorous with a moll answering to the moniker of "Sadie", who in a time long past was betrothed to a confidant of mine. With the mercury indicating a temperature of eighty degrees, I find myself coldly shunning the harlot, crudely demanding that she refrain from laying the weight of her loins against mine. With the haste of my retreat no doubt disturbing the air around her, I find myself with a group of close friends and join their ante-meridian constitutional.

Some time later another friend of mine, a physician with the sobriquet "Dre", victoriously arrived carrying with him a parcel consisting of a juniper spirit similar to that from the previous evening, but sporting the label "Tanqueray", and a wildly tumescent roll of cut greenleaf enclosed in paper and engineered to be smoked. It is not in jest, I assure you, that partaking in this roll, I found its effects so overpowering that I had to excuse myself briefly and set my toby jug aside. The spirit and drug together conspired to impair my senses, and yet I found myself uninclined to cease with either, for I found the disorientation pleasant and delightful. Philanthropically, Dre had also taken it upon himself to bring with him several courtesans from the prefecture of Compton, who began to service me in earnest. I explained to them in no uncertain terms that there would be no post-coital co-mingling, and asked that they not lament over my post-haste departure, for I hold no lasting fondness for them. And with that in mind, I find myself

Ambulating down the thoroughfare smoking green leaf and quaffing a combination of juniper spirit and juice, in an easy-going and quite casual manner, reciprocally and poetically having my thoughts focused on my finances, and my finances chiefly in my thoughts.

So, friends and colleagues, I propose that we try our hand at translating these finer works of culture. My own attempts will be forthcoming. However, in an effort to ensure that this communique remains respectful and commensurable with our character, I must ask that you provide any response in the most polite of manners. Ungentlemanly conduct will almost assuredly be met with scorn and reproach from your colleagues.

Enclosed, please find my attempt to translate the rather popular song "I Require Immediate Medical Assistance, Regards, Eminem" by Dr. Dre, featuring a one Mr. Marshall Mathers:
Spoiler:

In any event, gentlemen, embrace your monocles. We are going to need more calligraphers.

Zoel on
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