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Comic - "C-System" (Working Title) - Issue One Script
Maltease
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Have at it, gents. Rip it apart. Accepting any and all suggestions. Apologies for the odd, and kind of shitty, formatting. Looks better in Word (obviously).
Page 1 – Splash Page
Panel 1
A city skyline. The buildings are all made of reflective glass. Three or Four skyscrapers dominate the skyline, with a few midsized buildings spattered here and there, and one or two smaller buildings on the outskirts. For a supposedly bustling hub, the buildings seem to be few and fairly spaced out. There is a lot of green: Grass, Trees, etc. There are roads, tinted a bluish gray. One of them is coming up from the bottom of the panel and leading a winding path into the city, though from our vantage point high in the sky, it still looks like little more than a narrow river to us. A few cars dot the roads. The few clouds in the sky are small and wispy.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
This city wasn’t always so beautiful.
You can’t see the rampant poverty,
the elderly being robbed, the orphaned 8-year olds who shoot up and thieve to survive.
You can’t see the world that once was because it’s been erased. All traces washed from the surface. The symptoms cured.
Those times aren’t forgotten though.
We remember.
Page 2
Panel 1
Same city, in the past. We’re closer to it now. We see graffiti on the walls, litter on the sidewalks. Vacant lots a-plenty. The buildings look as if they’re made less of steel and more of cold, unrelenting brick and concrete. The general tone is unhappy and dangerous.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The times when things weren’t so good. When you couldn’t leave your door unlocked.
Panel 2
A man runs past a woman on the streets in front of a few small shops (one has bars on its windows ), pulling her handbag from her. The women is distraught, and the man’s face shows nothing but malice as he looks forward.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
We aren’t the first generation born in safety, and we won’t be the last.
You hear most of the horror stories from the elderly. The few remaining that have scars from those dark times.
The few that cling to their memories of lead and gunpowder.
WOMAN:
Hey! Help! Police!
Panel 3
A display case of many guns. The guns are all shined and perfected. They’re tiled up at an angle. The sheet beneath them is a rich purple. The color of royalty.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
They remember when fear held them in its vicious grip.
They tell us, “You don’t know horror. You can’t know real fear these days.”
“You’ll never have to know the sound of gunfire, or the cold sleepless nights.”
Page 3
Panel 1
A battlefield. Men are separated by a short distance, all baring their “war face”. Their muzzles are flashing, bullets are flying. Dead bodies scatter the no-man’s land, freshly spilled blood seeping onto the dirt. A few people on both sides are in the process of being shot. The blood spurts from their wounds (when exiting their backs), and dribbles down (when they’re wounded from the front). The scene is altogether an unpleasant one.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There was war when they showed up. The peace-keepers. The legends say the blood ran so thick the few plants that still grew turned red.
Panel 2
A shadow falls over the battlefield and the men are now looking up. They’ve stopped fighting. Their guns are only half up. Everyone’s attention has been turned to the massive things that’s in the sky. We cannot yet see it, as our vantage point is between these humans and the object, looking down at the humans, but they are in awe at its vastness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
We’re taught that their arrival brought about a moment of utter and complete silence. The first real moment of its kind since the Earth was created.
Panel 3
Now we can see the ship. We’ve panned back far enough that we can see the entirety of the battlefield, and a slight curve to the horizon. The ship is massive, dominating the skyline and blotting out the sun entirely, with only a few rays shining weakly around the sides of the ship. It’s clearly alien, though it’s far from smooth and shiny. It looks less like a saucer and more like an air battleship. Make of that what you will.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The elderly say the shadows the ships made were colder than an autumn night, even where the summer heat raged.
They came is such vast numbers, there was nowhere you could be on the planet where you couldn’t see at least one.
Panel 4
From the bottom of the ship we now see a thick, black, man-shaped object falling toward the ground. We’re too far away to discern any color or specific shapes to it other than the vagueness of its outline. It does, however, seem to be falling headfirst, arms at its side, and legs together. The fighting below is still at a halt. The object is falling toward the dead center of the no-man’s land.
Panel 5
We see the battleground from directly above, though now, in the center of the no-man’s land, there is a hole. The ground around the hole is cracked and broken, reaching in diameter almost to each side of the middle-ground.
Page 4
Panel 1
Looking up from a couple feet down the hole, we see a few soldiers (from each army), peering down at us. They’re holding their guns up, ready to fire should anything come out. Their faces show fear and cautiousness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The newcomers came in peace, but we didn’t know.
Panel 2
A man-shaped figure, though seeming to be clad in some kind of body armor, is halfway out of the hole, climbing. Members of both armies are firing at it wildly.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There was brief moment where we, as a race, knew only hostility towards them. A very brief moment.
Panel 3
The alien is standing there, taking bullet after bullet from these men, but no noticeable damage. It’s tapping on the underside of its wrist, possibly typing.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Then they broke our guns.
All of them.
Panel 4
The alien stands there, no longer being fired at, though the guns are still pointed at it. A blue pulse is washing over the men closest to it. It seems to be shooting away from the alien, in a circle shape.
SFX (Near the guns of those who are being or have been washed over by the circle):
Click Click Click
Page 5
Panel 1
Top-Down, Wide - Battlefield. The circle has expanded quite a ways, reaching the backs of both armies and extending past the edges of the panel. We can really only make out the slight curve of the sides of the circle in the corners of the panel. Only the leading edges of the pulse seem to be colored, though. It leaves no color trace once it has passed over something.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Suddenly all of the work we’d put into destroying each other, all the research done so we could “keep the peace”, was meaningless.
Panel 2
We see the Earth from space. All over its surface are large black objects (the alien ships). It looks almost as if it were a blue ball being attacked by thousands of ants. The stars shine behind the planets in the surrounding blackness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
All told, the invasion took 45 minutes.
Page 6 – Splash Page
Panel 1
An aerial view of an airport. There are no planes on the tarmac. The only thing resting here is one of the giant, alien ships. Near the front, the press have formed a sort of semi-circle.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
The first diplomatic contact was made the same day.
Everyone used to say first alien contact would be kept secret, and the public wouldn’t know for decades.
It was a bit late for secrets.
Page 7
Panel 1
A walkway has popped open from the underside of the ship, near the front, and walking down it are three of the aliens. They’re all dressed in the same armor that the last alien we saw was, but the one in the lead is wearing a blue cape. It attaches at two points: one on each shoulder. None of the aliens are holding any weapons of any kind. Waiting for them at the bottom of the walkway, about 10 feet away from it, are three military individuals, and a well-dressed black man.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Never once did they wish or try to harm us. They asked only for our patience and trust.
Panel 2
A Photo-OP with the well-dressed black man and the alien wearing the cape. They’re shaking hands, the black man smiling and looking up at the alien, and the alien looking down at the black man. A photographer in the background is down on one knee, facing toward us, snapping a picture of the historic
event, and behind him are hundreds of other reporters and photographers behind a barricade.
Page 8
Panel 1
A newspaper headline that reads “THEY COME IN PEACE”, below which is the picture the photographer on the previous page was taking.
Panel 2
We’re inside the meeting room of the U.N. The alien with the cape stands at the podium, looking up at the assembled dignitaries of every country across the world. He is clearly speaking to them, and they all sit at rapt attention.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
They bore no name recognizable in any language on Earth.
Most people still can’t even pronounce it.
Panel 3
The same room, but now the alien is indicating a screen behind him. The room has darkened, and on the screen is an image of an alien facing toward the viewers, and to its right an image of the alien facing to the right. Much like one might see a diagram of the human body.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Despite this momentary lack of communication, they were able to learn our languages very quickly.
They taught us about themselves. How they were all connected in a way that we might call “telepathic”.
They were many, but they were also One.
Because of this, many humans began referring to them as the Cobalt System, or C-System, because of the blue tone to their armor.
Panel 4
Still the same room. Though the screen is white now and the room is bright again. The alien is holding up a sheet of paper in its hand. Across the top, in fancy script, is written “Treatise”. The room is in an uproar.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Naturally, we were greedy for their technology.
They were more than willing to share, on one condition:
Total disarmament of every country, as well as the signed promise that the technology be used for peace, and never for war.
Page 9
Panel 1
There is a line of the Aliens in the background, and we are positioned behind (and amidst) an advancing line of humans. These humans belong to no militia. They’re dressed in every day clothes. They are revolting. Fires burn around the aliens. Some humans are tossing molotovs, but none are wielding guns.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
War is inherent to us, as a race.
Panel 2
People are climbing on the Aliens, bashing them with their fists now that they’ve run out of other weapons.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
When they tried to take it away from us, we did only what we knew.
We revolted.
Panel 3
Many people now sit around and in between the aliens. They have tired themselves out. They sit with their knees up, or lay on the ground. Most of the fires are out. One man is still half-heartedly going at an Alien, but two humans are in the process of pulling him off. They know there’s no battle here to win.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
To their credit, the members of the C-System, the C-Units, never retaliated.
They took it on the chin.
Page 10
Panel 1
We are in a room with a circular table. Around it we see the leaders of all major regions on the planet; from the United States, to Russia, to India, to China, Japan, Brazil, Cuba, Australia, and representatives for the European Union, the continent of Africa, and the Middle East. Feel free to add in anyone else you can think of, and don’t be afraid to make them slightly stereotypical. A lot of them would share characteristics physically, so while it might be a little rude, it’s the best way to differentiate. Barring that, you could also put little name plates in front of each person (though you probably wouldn’t see all of the name plates in this panel) with the region they represent.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
The C-System gathered us together. Some say forced, but the truth is we went rather peacefully.
Most didn’t even bring bodyguards.
Panel 2
We see a close up of the representative for the Middle East. He looks rather bitter, and is looking directly at the reader.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There were those who harbored resentment towards others.
Panel 3
A C-Unit has now come over and placed a hand gently on the man’s shoulder. The man is now looking down and to the right (the C-Unit’s hand is on his right shoulder), his face no longer bitter but solemn and understanding.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The C-System understood. They helped us through it.
Panel 4
The representative from Africa is standing, his arms outstretched as he speaks to the assembled dignitaries. In the background stand two C-Units, seemingly hiding in the shadows.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The C-System let us all work out our problems.
Panel 5
The representative from Brazil is standing now, addressing the African dignitary. He looks agitated.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
They acted as mediators, not enforcers.
Panel 6
The African dignitary is bowing his head, holding his hand out as he sits down, ceding the floor to the Brazilian one.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Whereas once it was impossible, the negotiations went surprisingly smoothly.
Page 11 – Splash Page
Panel 1
We see the first global flag. It can look like whatever you want, it’s not particularly important unless you’re into symbolism. Personally I’m not, but hey, what do I know? It’s placed in front of a blue sky marked with only a couple wispy clouds. It waves in the wind.
INFO BLOCK:
60 Years later.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Eventually an agreement was made.
There are still rumblings of resentment. Old habits die hard.
But, for the most part, the world is finally at peace.
Now in harmony, the world quickly flourished.
Page 12
Panel 1
The flag again. This time not a splash page, but essentially the same picture. You can tweak it a little, if you like, so as not to have the same picture in there twice.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The average lifespan of a human is now 126 years.
Panel 2
We’re zooming out. We still see the flag, but now we can see, just barely, that it’s attached to a flag holder on the edge of a house.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Before the C-System, such a thing was science fiction.
Panel 3
We’re more zoomed out. Now we can see the flag is definitely sitting in a holder attached to a house. We can even see the top half of the garage in the foreground, the door to which is completely open. We see a few houses disappearing off into the distance. This is a neighborhood, clearly.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
We’ve been laughing in the face of science a lot, lately.
Page 13
Panel 1
We see a pair of old hands stuck inside of what appears to be an old car engine. Old by the comic’s time period’s standards, not ours. In real time the car would actually be pretty recent and luxurious.
WALTER:
Now obviously this thing ain’t street legal…
Panel 2
Pulled back, we see an old man bent headfirst into the engine of a car. He’s looking down, and we can’t see his arms below the middle of his biceps. He’s concentrating.
WALTER:
But it’s always good to know how things work. You remember that.
Page 14
Panel 1
Aimee is sitting off near the entrance to the garage (where the garage door would be, were it closed), leaning against the wall. She’s distracted.
AIMEE:
Yeah, grandpa…
Panel 2
Grey is leaning against the wall, fiddling with a socket wrench. These are your characters, so I won’t go into too much detail about their appearance. Obviously just dress them as you see fit.
GREY:
How do you feel about that, Ronan? Willing to let us dig around inside you?
Panel 3
Ronan is next to the car, holding a tray of tools for Aimee’s grandpa. He looks rather stiff, though he is looking down at what the elder is doing inside the engine.
RONAN:
You know I can’t do that, Grey.
Panel 4
Grey tosses the socket wrench onto the nearby workbench.
GREY:
Yeah yeah yeah.
Page 15
Panel 1
Aimee again. Same position.
AIMEE:
Do you guys ever wonder why they came here?
Panel 2
Grey now, looking exasperated.
GREY:
Oh not this bullshit again.
Panel 3
Walter, viewed from behind with his head, arms and upper body deep in the engine of the car. Ronan stands stiff next to him, still holding the tray.
WALTER:
Language.
Panel 4
Grey again, rolling his eyes.
GREY:
Sorry Gramps. I meant “bullcrap”.
Page 16
Panel 1
Aimee, again. Turning and looking at everyone now.
AIMEE:
No, really, why us? Why Earth?
Panel 2
Aimee turns, looking at Ronan, directing the question at him.
Panel 3
Ronan stands with the tray, still looking at the wall.
Panel 4
His head has now swiveled to look at us (Aimee).
RONAN:
Aimee. You’re asking too much of me.
Panel 5
Aimee, still in the same position from the last time, but now her face is screwed up in a “What the fuck?” kind of look.
Panel 6
Aimee tossing her hands up in the air and turning away in frustration.
AIMEE:
It’s like trying to get answers from a WALL.
Page 17
Panel 1
Ronan watching Aimee as she leaves.
RONAN:
Aimee, that’s not fair. You know I’m forbidden to tell. It would be the end of me.
Panel 2
Grey, smirking like a dick.
GREY:
Yeah, and what kind of person would ever want this bucket of bolts to leave?
Panel 3
Walter leaning up, hands on the small of his back and a grimace of pain on his face as he stretches.
Panel 4
His hands are still on his back but he’s done stretching and he’s letting out a relieved sigh.
Panel 5
Walter point at Grey, viewed from behind and to the side, though, since it looks as if he’s walking around the car toward Grey.
WALTER:
What have I told you about respect Grey?
Page 18
Panel 1
Grey is looking down with a face that says “Shit. I’ve been caught.”
GREY:
“Everyone deserves it, even if they’re not human.”
Panel 2
Walter has rounded the car and, in passing, picked up a rag that had been hung over the edge of it. He is wiping his hands. We still view him from the same vantage point as before.
WALTER:
I’ve been telling you that for years and for some reason it still hasn’t sunk into that skull of yours.
Aimee.
Panel 3
Aimee turns from where she was standing near the garage door. Her arms are crossed and her face is one of slight agitation.
AIMEE:
Yes, sir...
Panel 4
Walter has made his way to the refrigerator near Grey. He’s opened it and we are viewing him from the side as he bends over, peering in. The shelves on the door can be seen behind him.
WALTER:
I want you to stop asking Ronan questions. I know you’re curious but he can’t help you.
Panel 5
Walter is reaching into the fridge now.
WALTER:
We’ll get the answers we’re meant to have. As long as they’re here and keeping the peace, we shouldn’t ask for more.
Page 19
Panel 1
Aimee holding her arms out in protest.
AIMEE:
But grandp—
Panel 2
Walter is standing up, a bottle in one hand and the other closing the door.
WALTER:
No buts. I don’t want to hear another hateful word out of either of you.
Panel 3
Walter has turned and is opening the bottle.
WALTER:
What Ronan and the rest of his kin do for us is more important than either of you know.
Panel 4
Walter is taking a drink.
Panel 5
Wiping the side of his mouth with his forearm.
WALTER:
And, as thanks, all he wants is respect and honesty.
Page 20
Panel 1
Aimee is looking down at the ground, ashamed.
Panel 2
Grey is doing the same.
Panel 3
Ronan, still standing stiff, is looking down at the tray of tools.
Panel 4
Walter is taking another drink.
SFX:
SKRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE
Panel 5
Walter is spitting his drink out, eyes wide.
SFX:
PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT
Page 21 – Splash
The cyborg lady (Alana?) is stumbling up the driveway toward everybody. Her mouth is open with the scream still eminating.
SFX:
SKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Page 1 – Splash Page
Panel 1
A city skyline. The buildings are all made of reflective glass. Three or Four skyscrapers dominate the skyline, with a few midsized buildings spattered here and there, and one or two smaller buildings on the outskirts. For a supposedly bustling hub, the buildings seem to be few and fairly spaced out. There is a lot of green: Grass, Trees, etc. There are roads, tinted a bluish gray. One of them is coming up from the bottom of the panel and leading a winding path into the city, though from our vantage point high in the sky, it still looks like little more than a narrow river to us. A few cars dot the roads. The few clouds in the sky are small and wispy.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
This city wasn’t always so beautiful.
You can’t see the rampant poverty,
the elderly being robbed, the orphaned 8-year olds who shoot up and thieve to survive.
You can’t see the world that once was because it’s been erased. All traces washed from the surface. The symptoms cured.
Those times aren’t forgotten though.
We remember.
Page 2
Panel 1
Same city, in the past. We’re closer to it now. We see graffiti on the walls, litter on the sidewalks. Vacant lots a-plenty. The buildings look as if they’re made less of steel and more of cold, unrelenting brick and concrete. The general tone is unhappy and dangerous.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The times when things weren’t so good. When you couldn’t leave your door unlocked.
Panel 2
A man runs past a woman on the streets in front of a few small shops (one has bars on its windows ), pulling her handbag from her. The women is distraught, and the man’s face shows nothing but malice as he looks forward.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
We aren’t the first generation born in safety, and we won’t be the last.
You hear most of the horror stories from the elderly. The few remaining that have scars from those dark times.
The few that cling to their memories of lead and gunpowder.
WOMAN:
Hey! Help! Police!
Panel 3
A display case of many guns. The guns are all shined and perfected. They’re tiled up at an angle. The sheet beneath them is a rich purple. The color of royalty.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
They remember when fear held them in its vicious grip.
They tell us, “You don’t know horror. You can’t know real fear these days.”
“You’ll never have to know the sound of gunfire, or the cold sleepless nights.”
Page 3
Panel 1
A battlefield. Men are separated by a short distance, all baring their “war face”. Their muzzles are flashing, bullets are flying. Dead bodies scatter the no-man’s land, freshly spilled blood seeping onto the dirt. A few people on both sides are in the process of being shot. The blood spurts from their wounds (when exiting their backs), and dribbles down (when they’re wounded from the front). The scene is altogether an unpleasant one.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There was war when they showed up. The peace-keepers. The legends say the blood ran so thick the few plants that still grew turned red.
Panel 2
A shadow falls over the battlefield and the men are now looking up. They’ve stopped fighting. Their guns are only half up. Everyone’s attention has been turned to the massive things that’s in the sky. We cannot yet see it, as our vantage point is between these humans and the object, looking down at the humans, but they are in awe at its vastness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
We’re taught that their arrival brought about a moment of utter and complete silence. The first real moment of its kind since the Earth was created.
Panel 3
Now we can see the ship. We’ve panned back far enough that we can see the entirety of the battlefield, and a slight curve to the horizon. The ship is massive, dominating the skyline and blotting out the sun entirely, with only a few rays shining weakly around the sides of the ship. It’s clearly alien, though it’s far from smooth and shiny. It looks less like a saucer and more like an air battleship. Make of that what you will.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The elderly say the shadows the ships made were colder than an autumn night, even where the summer heat raged.
They came is such vast numbers, there was nowhere you could be on the planet where you couldn’t see at least one.
Panel 4
From the bottom of the ship we now see a thick, black, man-shaped object falling toward the ground. We’re too far away to discern any color or specific shapes to it other than the vagueness of its outline. It does, however, seem to be falling headfirst, arms at its side, and legs together. The fighting below is still at a halt. The object is falling toward the dead center of the no-man’s land.
Panel 5
We see the battleground from directly above, though now, in the center of the no-man’s land, there is a hole. The ground around the hole is cracked and broken, reaching in diameter almost to each side of the middle-ground.
Page 4
Panel 1
Looking up from a couple feet down the hole, we see a few soldiers (from each army), peering down at us. They’re holding their guns up, ready to fire should anything come out. Their faces show fear and cautiousness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The newcomers came in peace, but we didn’t know.
Panel 2
A man-shaped figure, though seeming to be clad in some kind of body armor, is halfway out of the hole, climbing. Members of both armies are firing at it wildly.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There was brief moment where we, as a race, knew only hostility towards them. A very brief moment.
Panel 3
The alien is standing there, taking bullet after bullet from these men, but no noticeable damage. It’s tapping on the underside of its wrist, possibly typing.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Then they broke our guns.
All of them.
Panel 4
The alien stands there, no longer being fired at, though the guns are still pointed at it. A blue pulse is washing over the men closest to it. It seems to be shooting away from the alien, in a circle shape.
SFX (Near the guns of those who are being or have been washed over by the circle):
Click Click Click
Page 5
Panel 1
Top-Down, Wide - Battlefield. The circle has expanded quite a ways, reaching the backs of both armies and extending past the edges of the panel. We can really only make out the slight curve of the sides of the circle in the corners of the panel. Only the leading edges of the pulse seem to be colored, though. It leaves no color trace once it has passed over something.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Suddenly all of the work we’d put into destroying each other, all the research done so we could “keep the peace”, was meaningless.
Panel 2
We see the Earth from space. All over its surface are large black objects (the alien ships). It looks almost as if it were a blue ball being attacked by thousands of ants. The stars shine behind the planets in the surrounding blackness.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
All told, the invasion took 45 minutes.
Page 6 – Splash Page
Panel 1
An aerial view of an airport. There are no planes on the tarmac. The only thing resting here is one of the giant, alien ships. Near the front, the press have formed a sort of semi-circle.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
The first diplomatic contact was made the same day.
Everyone used to say first alien contact would be kept secret, and the public wouldn’t know for decades.
It was a bit late for secrets.
Page 7
Panel 1
A walkway has popped open from the underside of the ship, near the front, and walking down it are three of the aliens. They’re all dressed in the same armor that the last alien we saw was, but the one in the lead is wearing a blue cape. It attaches at two points: one on each shoulder. None of the aliens are holding any weapons of any kind. Waiting for them at the bottom of the walkway, about 10 feet away from it, are three military individuals, and a well-dressed black man.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Never once did they wish or try to harm us. They asked only for our patience and trust.
Panel 2
A Photo-OP with the well-dressed black man and the alien wearing the cape. They’re shaking hands, the black man smiling and looking up at the alien, and the alien looking down at the black man. A photographer in the background is down on one knee, facing toward us, snapping a picture of the historic
event, and behind him are hundreds of other reporters and photographers behind a barricade.
Page 8
Panel 1
A newspaper headline that reads “THEY COME IN PEACE”, below which is the picture the photographer on the previous page was taking.
Panel 2
We’re inside the meeting room of the U.N. The alien with the cape stands at the podium, looking up at the assembled dignitaries of every country across the world. He is clearly speaking to them, and they all sit at rapt attention.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
They bore no name recognizable in any language on Earth.
Most people still can’t even pronounce it.
Panel 3
The same room, but now the alien is indicating a screen behind him. The room has darkened, and on the screen is an image of an alien facing toward the viewers, and to its right an image of the alien facing to the right. Much like one might see a diagram of the human body.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Despite this momentary lack of communication, they were able to learn our languages very quickly.
They taught us about themselves. How they were all connected in a way that we might call “telepathic”.
They were many, but they were also One.
Because of this, many humans began referring to them as the Cobalt System, or C-System, because of the blue tone to their armor.
Panel 4
Still the same room. Though the screen is white now and the room is bright again. The alien is holding up a sheet of paper in its hand. Across the top, in fancy script, is written “Treatise”. The room is in an uproar.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Naturally, we were greedy for their technology.
They were more than willing to share, on one condition:
Total disarmament of every country, as well as the signed promise that the technology be used for peace, and never for war.
Page 9
Panel 1
There is a line of the Aliens in the background, and we are positioned behind (and amidst) an advancing line of humans. These humans belong to no militia. They’re dressed in every day clothes. They are revolting. Fires burn around the aliens. Some humans are tossing molotovs, but none are wielding guns.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
War is inherent to us, as a race.
Panel 2
People are climbing on the Aliens, bashing them with their fists now that they’ve run out of other weapons.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
When they tried to take it away from us, we did only what we knew.
We revolted.
Panel 3
Many people now sit around and in between the aliens. They have tired themselves out. They sit with their knees up, or lay on the ground. Most of the fires are out. One man is still half-heartedly going at an Alien, but two humans are in the process of pulling him off. They know there’s no battle here to win.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
To their credit, the members of the C-System, the C-Units, never retaliated.
They took it on the chin.
Page 10
Panel 1
We are in a room with a circular table. Around it we see the leaders of all major regions on the planet; from the United States, to Russia, to India, to China, Japan, Brazil, Cuba, Australia, and representatives for the European Union, the continent of Africa, and the Middle East. Feel free to add in anyone else you can think of, and don’t be afraid to make them slightly stereotypical. A lot of them would share characteristics physically, so while it might be a little rude, it’s the best way to differentiate. Barring that, you could also put little name plates in front of each person (though you probably wouldn’t see all of the name plates in this panel) with the region they represent.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
The C-System gathered us together. Some say forced, but the truth is we went rather peacefully.
Most didn’t even bring bodyguards.
Panel 2
We see a close up of the representative for the Middle East. He looks rather bitter, and is looking directly at the reader.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
There were those who harbored resentment towards others.
Panel 3
A C-Unit has now come over and placed a hand gently on the man’s shoulder. The man is now looking down and to the right (the C-Unit’s hand is on his right shoulder), his face no longer bitter but solemn and understanding.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The C-System understood. They helped us through it.
Panel 4
The representative from Africa is standing, his arms outstretched as he speaks to the assembled dignitaries. In the background stand two C-Units, seemingly hiding in the shadows.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The C-System let us all work out our problems.
Panel 5
The representative from Brazil is standing now, addressing the African dignitary. He looks agitated.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
They acted as mediators, not enforcers.
Panel 6
The African dignitary is bowing his head, holding his hand out as he sits down, ceding the floor to the Brazilian one.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Whereas once it was impossible, the negotiations went surprisingly smoothly.
Page 11 – Splash Page
Panel 1
We see the first global flag. It can look like whatever you want, it’s not particularly important unless you’re into symbolism. Personally I’m not, but hey, what do I know? It’s placed in front of a blue sky marked with only a couple wispy clouds. It waves in the wind.
INFO BLOCK:
60 Years later.
NARRATIVE BLOCKS:
Eventually an agreement was made.
There are still rumblings of resentment. Old habits die hard.
But, for the most part, the world is finally at peace.
Now in harmony, the world quickly flourished.
Page 12
Panel 1
The flag again. This time not a splash page, but essentially the same picture. You can tweak it a little, if you like, so as not to have the same picture in there twice.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
The average lifespan of a human is now 126 years.
Panel 2
We’re zooming out. We still see the flag, but now we can see, just barely, that it’s attached to a flag holder on the edge of a house.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
Before the C-System, such a thing was science fiction.
Panel 3
We’re more zoomed out. Now we can see the flag is definitely sitting in a holder attached to a house. We can even see the top half of the garage in the foreground, the door to which is completely open. We see a few houses disappearing off into the distance. This is a neighborhood, clearly.
NARRATIVE BLOCK:
We’ve been laughing in the face of science a lot, lately.
Page 13
Panel 1
We see a pair of old hands stuck inside of what appears to be an old car engine. Old by the comic’s time period’s standards, not ours. In real time the car would actually be pretty recent and luxurious.
WALTER:
Now obviously this thing ain’t street legal…
Panel 2
Pulled back, we see an old man bent headfirst into the engine of a car. He’s looking down, and we can’t see his arms below the middle of his biceps. He’s concentrating.
WALTER:
But it’s always good to know how things work. You remember that.
Page 14
Panel 1
Aimee is sitting off near the entrance to the garage (where the garage door would be, were it closed), leaning against the wall. She’s distracted.
AIMEE:
Yeah, grandpa…
Panel 2
Grey is leaning against the wall, fiddling with a socket wrench. These are your characters, so I won’t go into too much detail about their appearance. Obviously just dress them as you see fit.
GREY:
How do you feel about that, Ronan? Willing to let us dig around inside you?
Panel 3
Ronan is next to the car, holding a tray of tools for Aimee’s grandpa. He looks rather stiff, though he is looking down at what the elder is doing inside the engine.
RONAN:
You know I can’t do that, Grey.
Panel 4
Grey tosses the socket wrench onto the nearby workbench.
GREY:
Yeah yeah yeah.
Page 15
Panel 1
Aimee again. Same position.
AIMEE:
Do you guys ever wonder why they came here?
Panel 2
Grey now, looking exasperated.
GREY:
Oh not this bullshit again.
Panel 3
Walter, viewed from behind with his head, arms and upper body deep in the engine of the car. Ronan stands stiff next to him, still holding the tray.
WALTER:
Language.
Panel 4
Grey again, rolling his eyes.
GREY:
Sorry Gramps. I meant “bullcrap”.
Page 16
Panel 1
Aimee, again. Turning and looking at everyone now.
AIMEE:
No, really, why us? Why Earth?
Panel 2
Aimee turns, looking at Ronan, directing the question at him.
Panel 3
Ronan stands with the tray, still looking at the wall.
Panel 4
His head has now swiveled to look at us (Aimee).
RONAN:
Aimee. You’re asking too much of me.
Panel 5
Aimee, still in the same position from the last time, but now her face is screwed up in a “What the fuck?” kind of look.
Panel 6
Aimee tossing her hands up in the air and turning away in frustration.
AIMEE:
It’s like trying to get answers from a WALL.
Page 17
Panel 1
Ronan watching Aimee as she leaves.
RONAN:
Aimee, that’s not fair. You know I’m forbidden to tell. It would be the end of me.
Panel 2
Grey, smirking like a dick.
GREY:
Yeah, and what kind of person would ever want this bucket of bolts to leave?
Panel 3
Walter leaning up, hands on the small of his back and a grimace of pain on his face as he stretches.
Panel 4
His hands are still on his back but he’s done stretching and he’s letting out a relieved sigh.
Panel 5
Walter point at Grey, viewed from behind and to the side, though, since it looks as if he’s walking around the car toward Grey.
WALTER:
What have I told you about respect Grey?
Page 18
Panel 1
Grey is looking down with a face that says “Shit. I’ve been caught.”
GREY:
“Everyone deserves it, even if they’re not human.”
Panel 2
Walter has rounded the car and, in passing, picked up a rag that had been hung over the edge of it. He is wiping his hands. We still view him from the same vantage point as before.
WALTER:
I’ve been telling you that for years and for some reason it still hasn’t sunk into that skull of yours.
Aimee.
Panel 3
Aimee turns from where she was standing near the garage door. Her arms are crossed and her face is one of slight agitation.
AIMEE:
Yes, sir...
Panel 4
Walter has made his way to the refrigerator near Grey. He’s opened it and we are viewing him from the side as he bends over, peering in. The shelves on the door can be seen behind him.
WALTER:
I want you to stop asking Ronan questions. I know you’re curious but he can’t help you.
Panel 5
Walter is reaching into the fridge now.
WALTER:
We’ll get the answers we’re meant to have. As long as they’re here and keeping the peace, we shouldn’t ask for more.
Page 19
Panel 1
Aimee holding her arms out in protest.
AIMEE:
But grandp—
Panel 2
Walter is standing up, a bottle in one hand and the other closing the door.
WALTER:
No buts. I don’t want to hear another hateful word out of either of you.
Panel 3
Walter has turned and is opening the bottle.
WALTER:
What Ronan and the rest of his kin do for us is more important than either of you know.
Panel 4
Walter is taking a drink.
Panel 5
Wiping the side of his mouth with his forearm.
WALTER:
And, as thanks, all he wants is respect and honesty.
Page 20
Panel 1
Aimee is looking down at the ground, ashamed.
Panel 2
Grey is doing the same.
Panel 3
Ronan, still standing stiff, is looking down at the tray of tools.
Panel 4
Walter is taking another drink.
SFX:
SKRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE
Panel 5
Walter is spitting his drink out, eyes wide.
SFX:
PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT
Page 21 – Splash
The cyborg lady (Alana?) is stumbling up the driveway toward everybody. Her mouth is open with the scream still eminating.
SFX:
SKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Maltease on
Posts
Cutting the first 11 pages would also allow you to get deeper into the plot in the first issue, which I think would be a good idea if you want readers to get hooked.
Assuming you don't want to axe the first 11 pages, note that you mean "Treaty," not "Treatise." And I don't see how there could be representatives for the "Middle East" or "Africa" since those aren't homogenous areas.
"Now obviously this thing ain’t street legal" is a good choice for the first line of dialogue. It's specific and it says something about the character, but it also hints at the political changes that have happened since the car was built.
Anyway, based on this, I'd be interested in reading more.
Would that be with or without the first 12 pages? You're right, the back story isn't 100% necessary, but if I can keep it without really hindering anything a great deal I'd rather do that then just delete 12 pages of work.
Of course, assuming that 20 pages represents the full length of your first book, the real decision point about whether the reader is going to expend an effort to continue is at the end of those 20 pages. If you had another 11 pages to work with you'd have time to reach a better cliffhanger. Right now your cliffhanger is like "I'm introducing an unfamiliar new plot element!" A better cliffhanger would be like "Several established plot elements are about to converge in an interesting conflict!"