The Cilantro Gambit
So I was cruising profiles and kept seeing this one high-end match; a very smart, very cute girl, and among other things, mentions of Douglas Adams and Joss Whedon and such, and then, buried in a parenthesis I see she hates cilantro. Now folks, I goddamn hate cilantro, and I was trying to describe why. And then this happened.
Cilantro Ruins Everything
I first met Cilantro in the summer of '96, where with a pandering smile and pretentious eyes he offered to infuse the butter on my steak. He seemed like a pleasent enough fellow, and the name invoked an exotic sort of consideration- like lemongrass, or long island ice tea. He was billed at that time as nouveau couture, and it was with some delight I had my first taste.
But something had gone horribly wrong. There was no exotic herb, only the taste of muddy welcome mat smeared all over my dinner. There had to be some mistake. A friend of mine happened to be on staff, and I asked if everything was alright in the kitchen, as perhaps something had spoiled, and somehow made it onto my plate. No no, I was assured, everything was just fine. But it wasn't. Cilantro; you evil bastard.
It wasn't long before he started pulling the same scam everywhere. Promises made and never kept. Oh of course sir, I'll freshen up that salsa, I'll add zip to your salmon fillet, I'll butter up that tiger shrimp, I'll ride your goddamn mango. Are you quite sure, Cilantro? Because what I think you will do, is make everything taste like it was wrapped up in an old shoe and buried in the yard for a week.
In a world where I love to discover new tastes and the spice melange of every new place, he has become the answer to every negative food question. What's wrong with this chilli soy? Cilantro. Why does this kebab taste like geriatric feet? Cilantro. Jesus H Christmas, how do you screw up a house salad? Ohhh ho ho, well played Cilantro, well played indeed. Did not see that coming. Until next time then, when the next game begins.
because thinking + Sarcastro = essay. So I sent it, well, with an intro paragraph at the end (hi, you seem pretty cool, I noticed you like three of my favorite things etc), and now I am having second thoughts. Well, first thoughts really, it was totally an impulse thing.
a) How weird is this?
b) There might be something wrong with me.
I am aware the second point is not a question.