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Tell Me Your Favorite Jokes To Tell To Other People

TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON_________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
edited April 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
tl;dr of the below: post jokes plz.

So, I'm a pretty funny person (I brag about this because it is my only redeeming quality). When I was a kid I had some jokes that I liked, and I would tell them, and people would laugh. As I matured I moved past the "tell jokes" stage of being funny and now I'm at the "make off the cuff remarks" point in being funny.

Yesterday I was thinking about this and I realized that I sort of miss having funny jokes to tell. I tried Googling for some good ones but Googling for good jokes is like Googling for pictures of naked celebrities because you want to see a birthmark: you'll end up with plenty of pictures of naked celebrities but they're not exactly going to be what you're looking for. And all the websites will look like they were designed by someone who wishes Geocities and Angelfire were still around.

So anyways, tell me your favorite jokes! I'm sure you people know some good ones. Criteria:

1. They have to be jokes that are funny when you tell them, not jokes that are funny when read or something like that. It's fine if they're not very funny when written down.

2. I'd prefer if they weren't racist or sexist or whatever, not because I mind (I'm a card carrying member of the KKK!*) but because some people get pissed off when you joke about certain things and the point of a joke is to make people laugh, not make them mad at me. If I wanted people mad at me I'd just slap them.

3. Unless it's a fantastic joke, I'd like to stay away from the shaggy dog or long-delayed punchline sort of thing. I'm just not a huge fan. Example: someone throws a brick in the air or throws cheese into the water and then there's no punchline, then 5 minutes later you tell another story and a brick falls onto someone or a guy catches cheese when he goes fishing. I don't have a problem with long jokes (see my third example below) but jokes that rely on their length alone to be funny are typically trying to be funny by disappointing the expectations that everyone had built up, and when the punchline's premise is "laugh because you thought this was going to be funnier," I think that's dumb.

It is better to give than to receive, and I should probably give some examples of the few jokes that I do remember and enjoy, so here are my three favorite jokes to tell. The middle one is a little odd but I love it dearly.
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:

So, yeah. Jokes like the above ones I will probably enjoy, jokes unlike the above ones that are also funny I will probably enjoy. Hit me with your best! We'll all end up funnier.

*I'm not in the KKK. (I'm a neo-Nazi)**


**I'm not a neo-Nazi.

TychoCelchuuu on
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Posts

  • CrashtardCrashtard Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    This is my favorite joke to tell. It's completely silly, and 9 out of 10 people mess up the answer. It's pretty easy too, you just have to ask the following line of questions:
    Spoiler:

    I pinky swear that we will not screw you.

    Crashtard.jpg
  • tardcoretardcore Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    I have a similar joke to that one.

    What's a pirate's favorite letter? Rrrrrrr
    Where does a pirate go to drink? A barrrrrr
    What does a pirate ride in?
    Spoiler:

  • L Ron HowardL Ron Howard Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Dirty or somewhat distasteful jokes allowed?

    steam_sig.png
    NNID - bejamus | ESO - (at)guinneapig
  • GrizzledGrizzled Registered User
    edited April 2011
    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:

    I got a million like this, I'll be back later to see if any of my favorites have been left out.

    Robman wrote: »
    Spin isn't in academia? You're in for a real disappointment when you go to your first conference and see two old men with mighty beards politely implying that the other person is more capable of fucking a dog then writing a scientific paper.
  • GrizzledGrizzled Registered User
    edited April 2011
    Also because you put the timing joke in your favorites:

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Interrupting cow!
    Spoiler:

    Robman wrote: »
    Spin isn't in academia? You're in for a real disappointment when you go to your first conference and see two old men with mighty beards politely implying that the other person is more capable of fucking a dog then writing a scientific paper.
  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The barman asks, "what's that?" The pirate answers, "AARRRGGGGG, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS."

    The more outrageous the pirate voice the better.

    Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this?"

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
  • PelPel Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

  • Rear Admiral ChocoRear Admiral Choco Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    How does every racist joke start?

    (When they ask you, crane your neck wide from side to side like you're looking out to make sure no one's around)

    CDIOl.png
  • AwkAwk Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo-bee

  • L Ron HowardL Ron Howard Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Yeah, don't read this at work. It's not really all that dirty or salacious, but may be shocking if your employer is still living in 1955.
    Spoiler:

    You can roll your eyes now.

    steam_sig.png
    NNID - bejamus | ESO - (at)guinneapig
  • Captain MarcusCaptain Marcus Right here in River CityRegistered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Dirty or somewhat distasteful jokes allowed?

    Only if they're both!
    Yeah this is totally both.

    Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
    Spoiler:

    Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule!
  • PolloDiabloPolloDiablo Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    The one from 28 Days Later is corny but I like it.

    A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They sit down, he and the giraffe have a few drinks, the giraffe passes out. The man gets up to go, and the bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns and goes, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

    It's shit but I like it for some reason.

    Be excellent to each other you stupid cunts.
  • KhavallKhavall Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Here is, quite possibly, my favorite joke of all times.



    How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Spoiler:

  • Evil_ReaverEvil_Reaver Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    How do you hurt Lady Gaga? Poke her face

    How does Lady Gaga like her steak? Raw raw rawrawraw (To the tune of Bad Romance)

    What does a vegetarian zombie want? GRRRAAAAAINNNNSSS

    XBL: Agitated Wombat | 3DS: 2363-7048-2527
  • EshEsh Sunshine! Kittens! Rainbows! Smiles! Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited April 2011
    I stole this one from Mythbusters.

    What's red and smells like blue paint?
    Spoiler:

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    My it-always-works-joke

    If they don't like it, I probably don't want to associate with them anyways. It's a joke, dammit, not a personal hobby. Anyways;

    "A baby seal walks into a club ..."

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • Evil_ReaverEvil_Reaver Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What's the difference between sex on the beach and Budweiser (Or any other shitty American lager)? Nothing. They're both fucking near water.

    XBL: Agitated Wombat | 3DS: 2363-7048-2527
  • RikushixRikushix Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Grizzled wrote: »
    Also because you put the timing joke in your favorites:

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Interrupting cow!
    Spoiler:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8

    This was the first video I remember watching on Youtube. For a good reason.

    StKbT.jpg
  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Two men walked into a bar.
    The third one ducked.

    Yeah, it's a bad joke, but it normally gets a smile at the least.
    Hey, I accept pity smiles. Don't judge me.

    Ringo wrote: »
    Well except what see317 said. That guy's always wrong.
  • dukederekdukederek Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    "what's black and white and eats like a horse?"
    Spoiler:

    Hands down this is my favourite joke of all time

  • billwillbillwill Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    If your audience likes Harry Potter at all (and chances are, they do):

    Knock Knock.

    - Who's there?

    You know...

    - You know who?

    That's right! Avada Kedavra!

    I hate you and you hate me.
  • [Michael][Michael] Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Why doesn't anyone play cards in Africa?

    There's too many cheetahs.

  • LachrymiteLachrymite Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    One day, Juan is walking to work, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you mayor!"

    There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is mayor.

    One year later, Juan is walking to work at the mayor's office, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you governor!"

    There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is governor.

    One year later, Juan is walking to work at the governor's office, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you president!"

    There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is president.

    One year later, Juan is walking to work at the White House, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you ruler of Earth!"

    There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is the ruler of the entire planet.

    One year later, Juan has decided to finally take advantage of his good fortune. Instead of walking to work, he now rides in a huge stretch Hummer, with a massive sound system instead of his headphones, and has a team of supermodels that carry around his paperwork for him. Suddenly, the little man appears out of nowhere, pulls out his golf gun, and shoots Juan dead.
    Spoiler:

  • Mike DangerMike Danger "Diane..." a place both wonderful and strangeRegistered User regular
    edited April 2011
    A little kid from Mexico finally has his dream come true and gets to go to a Red Sox game.

    When he gets back home, everyone wants to know how it was.

    "Are the Americans really as rude as people say they are?" asks his friend Pablo.

    "No," he says. "I thought they were going to be, but I was really surprised. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked, 'Jose, can you see?' "

    ---

    [I'm doing this one from memory, but if you Google for the old D&D bad joke thread, you should be able to find it.]

    There's two bassists in the Boston Symphony Orchestra who love the Red Sox. The Sox are playing the Yankees in the playoffs, and they really want to go, but it's the same night as the big concert (Beethoven's Ninth).

    "Alright," says one of them, "here's what we'll do. We only have parts at the beginning and end. We can buy tickets, leave after our parts are done, and then make sure to get back before the end."

    "Well, what if we don't make it back in time?" says the other one.

    "Don't worry," the first guy says. "I've got a plan."

    So, the night of the concert, they play their parts, and then get up and quietly leave. They make their way to Fenway where they have a grand old time, watching the game with plenty of beers from the concession stand.

    Finally, they leave, and head back to the concert hall. As they arrive, three sheets to the wind, they start making a huge ruckus trying to get back to their seats in the pit. As that's happening, the other musicians discover that the bassists took all the copies of the score the night before and tied the last few pages together with little pieces of string, in order to buy themselves some time later.

    An old lady, along with many other members of the audience, is disgusted and gets up to leave. As she's coming out, she runs into the manager, who's come to investigate the commotion.

    "What's going on?" he asks.

    "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive Damn these electric sex pants! Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    I like telling a quick-fire series of jokes with a theme.

    What type of cheese is made backwards?
    Spoiler:

    What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
    Spoiler:

    What cheese isn't yours?
    Spoiler:

    What cheese do you use to entice a bear?
    Spoiler:

    Another successful post, thanks to the power of Spacestar Ordering™!
  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What did the vegan pirate do when he was lost at sea?
    Spoiler:

    3rddocbottom.jpg
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need
    you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of
    nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning.’”

    “Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.

    “Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
    of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

    “Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”

    So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

    “Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,

    “Get your own dirt.”

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • SeolSeol Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    A man is passing through a village, and decides to stop at the local pub. He walks in, orders a pint, and is helping himself to the peanuts when he hears strange, cooing high-pitched voices.

    "Ooooh, you've got lovely soft hands"

    He stops for a moment, and looks around. Nobody's talking to him. So he has some more peanuts. He hears the voices again. He looks down... the peanuts are talking to him.

    Slighty rattled, he leaves the bar and walks over to the fruit machine. As he gets close, it flashes menacingly and barks "Piss off!" at him. He reaches into his pocket for change, and it flashes again, shakes slightly on the spot, and growls "If you so much as take a step closer, mate, you'll end up outside on your ear."

    The man steps away, slowly, and heads back to the bar, asking the landlord exactly what the hell is happening here.

    "Oh, that. Yeah. The fruit machine's out of order, but the peanuts are complimentary."

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    A man walks into a bar and asks for seven shots of whiskey lined up on the bar. The bartender fills each glass without a word, and the man knocks back each shot as fast as the bartender can pour it.

    "Wow," says the bartender as the man finishes the last shot. "I can't remember the last time I saw someone drink like that. You celebrating something?"

    "You could say that," says the man.

    "What's the occasion?"

    "My first blow job."

    The bartender grins and pour another glass. "Hell, man, congratulations! Have an eighth shot on the house."

    "No, thanks," says the man. "If seven shots of whiskey won't get this taste out of my mouth, nothing will."


    ###

    A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "GIMME A BEER!"

    The bartender calmly explains, "We don't serve bears in here." So the bear gets really angry and tears through the place, finally mauling the craggy face off a tarted-up middle aged woman who was smoking and drinking by herself at the other end of the bar. Hoping his display has intimidated the bartender, he swaggers back up to him and roars, "GIMME A BEER!"

    The bartender calmly explains, "We don't serve drug addicts in here."

    "I'm not a drug addict! I'm a bear!"

    "Maybe you are," says the bartender, "but that was the bar bitch you ate."

  • Captain MarcusCaptain Marcus Right here in River CityRegistered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Knock knock...
    Who's there?
    Owls.
    Owls who?
    Exactly!

    Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule!
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Knock, knock.

    Who's there,

    Stinkeep

    Stinkeep who?

    daniant wrote:
    Alright, looks like I'm giving up golden showers for Lent.
    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
  • TrentusTrentus Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Okay, so the majority of my favorite jokes are quite politically incorrect, or just plain distasteful. The others are either music jokes or are ultra lame.

    This one's a bit of a grammar nazi joke...
    Knock, knock.
    "Who's there?"
    To
    "To who?"
    Spoiler:

    What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
    Spoiler:

    What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
    Spoiler:

    What do you call a Greek sky-diver?
    Spoiler:

    Okay, these ones are a little more morbid or inappropriate.
    Spoiler:

    I think I aught stop there before I post something that'll get me the ban hammer.

  • LaPuzzaLaPuzza Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    When we first got married, my wife and I agreed that we could each pick one person to have sex with if we ever got the opportunity. My wife picked Tom Cruse and I picked Julia Roberts. After ten years, we decided to update our lists. She picked Brad Pitt
    Spoiler:

    A man and his wife are laying in bed, and the wife says "If I died, would you ever get remarried?" The husband says "Well, after a while, yes. I think I would."

    The wife, a little upset, says "Would you live with her in our house?" The husband says "I don't see why not."

    The wife'a pissed now, and says "would you sleep with her in MY bed?" The husband says says "well, I guess."

    The wife asks "would you let her use my golf clubs?" The husband says "no, of course not."

    The wife asks "why not?" The husband says
    Spoiler:

    If I didn't know LaPuzza wasn't a spambot I would think that was a spambot post.
  • HeirHeir Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What kind of food does a gay horse eat?
    Spoiler:

    camo_sig2.png
  • SoulStalkerSoulStalker Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What kind of bees make milk?
    Spoiler:

    A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll ya have?" The bear kills the bartender and everyone else inside the bar. Because it's a bear.

    What kind of sound does a fruit fly make?
    Spoiler:

    Also, this is one of my favorite videos. Lends itself to quoting quite well, I think:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DFTmBrMYPw

    Misanthropist extraordinaire.
  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited April 2011
    If you want dirty, look up Jackie Martling and Rodney Dangerfield. Those two guys are the kings of one liners. Just rapid fire joke after joke.

  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    There is a gold mine over in this thread.

    My favorite isn't funny at all, but it is still a favorite :

    A duck walks into a restaurant and has a seat at a table. The waiter walks up and says "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve ducks."
    The duck replies: "That's ok, I wanted the chicken."

    camo_sig2.png
  • Kate of LokysKate of Lokys Registered User
    edited April 2011
    My father used to tell this one whenever my sister had a date over for dinner. It's a little long, and is best told by a father.
    Spoiler:

    I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight [. . .] So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome.
  • KelorKelor Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
    Spoiler:

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