tl;dr of the below: post jokes plz.
So, I'm a pretty funny person (I brag about this because it is my only redeeming quality). When I was a kid I had some jokes that I liked, and I would tell them, and people would laugh. As I matured I moved past the "tell jokes" stage of being funny and now I'm at the "make off the cuff remarks" point in being funny.
Yesterday I was thinking about this and I realized that I sort of miss having funny jokes to tell. I tried Googling for some good ones but Googling for good jokes is like Googling for pictures of naked celebrities because you want to see a birthmark: you'll end up with plenty of pictures of naked celebrities but they're not exactly going to be what you're looking for. And all the websites will look like they were designed by someone who wishes Geocities and Angelfire were still around.
So anyways, tell me your favorite jokes! I'm sure you people know some good ones. Criteria:
1. They have to be jokes that are funny when you tell them, not jokes that are funny when read or something like that. It's fine if they're not very funny when written down.
2. I'd prefer if they weren't racist or sexist or whatever, not because I mind (I'm a card carrying member of the KKK!*) but because some people get pissed off when you joke about certain things and the point of a joke is to make people laugh, not make them mad at me. If I wanted people mad at me I'd just slap them.
3. Unless it's a fantastic joke, I'd like to stay away from the shaggy dog or long-delayed punchline sort of thing. I'm just not a huge fan. Example: someone throws a brick in the air or throws cheese into the water and then there's no punchline, then 5 minutes later you tell another story and a brick falls onto someone or a guy catches cheese when he goes fishing. I don't have a problem with long jokes (see my third example below) but jokes that rely on their length alone to be funny are typically trying to be funny by disappointing the expectations that everyone had built up, and when the punchline's premise is "laugh because you thought this was going to be funnier," I think that's dumb.
It is better to give than to receive, and I should probably give some examples of the few jokes that I do
remember and enjoy, so here are my three favorite jokes to tell. The middle one is a little odd but I love it dearly.
Say to someone "ask me what my job is, then ask me what the hardest part is." When they say "what's your job?" you say "I'm a stand up comedian" and when they start to ask what the hardest part is, cut them off almost immediately by saying "timing."
Say the following somewhat quickly for enhanced comedic effect:
"There is a bear and a bee and a dog in a bar, and the dog goes up to the bee and the dog says 'Hey bee, why are you so stripey?' and the bee says 'Go ask bear' so the dog goes over to the bear and the dog says 'Hey bear, why is bee so stripey?' and the bear says 'GRAAAGH.'"
It helps to make a bear face/raise your hands like a bear's claws when you say "GRAAAGH."
This one's a little long and some people don't find it funny but it's one of my favorites so I tell it anyways, because the risk/reward is good enough in my eyes. If only a few people laugh then hey, more power to them:
"A guy is walking along the beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice that says "Dig. He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he keeps on walking. Then he hears the voice again: "I said DIG." So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a little while, he finds a small box. Inside is a briefcase with $10,000 and a set of car keys. The voice says "Car" and the guy notices a car a little ways up along the beach. The keys open it, so he gets in and hears "Drive" and he starts driving. Then he hears "Casino" and he notices some signs for a casino, so he follows them, parks at the casino, and goes inside. When he gets inside the voice says "Chips" and he looks around and notices that nobody else seems to hear the voice. He gets $10,000 in chips and the voice says "Roulette." He goes over to the roulette wheel and the voice says "27." He's about to bet $1,000 on 27 but then the voice says "All of it" so he puts $10,000 on 27, to everyone's amazement. The wheel spins around and around and then the roulette guy calls out "26!" and the voice goes "Shit."
So, yeah. Jokes like the above ones I will probably enjoy, jokes unlike the above ones that are also funny I will probably enjoy. Hit me with your best! We'll all end up funnier.
*I'm not in the KKK. (I'm a neo-Nazi)**
**I'm not a neo-Nazi.