TychoCelchuuu has been kind enough to provide peeks at Commander Shepard's facebook page:
curly haired boy has been kind enough to provide us a brief history of Mass Effect:
Spoiler:
The Batarian Who Stole Christmas
Every Human Down in the Milky Way Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Batarian, Who lived just north of The Terminus Systems, Did NOT!
The Batarian hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be their slaving isn't right.
It could be, perhaps, that his jump suits too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that he has eyes, two more then normal!
Whatever the reason, his suits or eyes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Humans,
Staring down from his ship with a sadistic, Batarian frown,
At the warm lighted windows below on the planet.
For he knew every human down on Earth bellow,
Was busy now, hanging biotic mistletoes.
“And they’re hanging their ez-zo!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his brown Batarian fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Earth girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their consoles!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Humans, young and old, would sit down to a play.
And they’d play! And they’d play! And they’d play!
play! play! play!
They would play M-E-1 and play M-E-2.
Which was something the Batarian couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Humans would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Batarian thought of this Human Christmas Sing,
The more the Batarian thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for Twenty-Three years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE BATARIAN GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Batarian laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Space Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Batarian trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer…” The Batarian looked around.
But, since reindeer are extinct, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Batarian? No! The Batarian simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his Varren, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Batarian said, “Giddap!” And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Humans Lay asnooze in their homes.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Humans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old Batarian Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Batarian.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Human stockings all hung in a row.
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
shotguns! And spaceships! hammerheads! guns!
Mattocks! Locusts! Omni-Gel! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Batarian, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Humans’ feast!
He took the Human-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of human-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Batarian, “I will stuff up the tree!”
And the Batarian grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a Human!
Little Commander Shepard, who was not more than two.
The Batarian had been caught by this tiny Human,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
He stared at the Batarian and said, “Santy Claus, why,”
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Batarian was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my little tot,” the fake Santy Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.”
“So I’m taking it home to my ship, my friend.”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Commander Shepard went to bed with his cup,
The Batarian went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Humans’ houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Humans’ mouses!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Humans, still a-bed,
All the Humans, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their Cains! The Helmets! The Trophy Bots!
The DLC! And the Amps! The Launchers! The Heat Sinks!
30 million feet up! Up earth atmosphere,
He rode with his load to the ship to dump it!
“PoohPooh to the Humans!” he was humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Humans down on Earth will all cry BooHoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Batarian, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Batarian put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the lands.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Earth! The Batarian popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Batarian, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out guns! It came without flames!”
“It came without mattocks, locusts or cains!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Batarian thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then? Well... on Earth they say,
That the Batarians top eyes fell out that day!
And the minute his eyes didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the guns! And the amps for the fights!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Batarian was carved up and burned with roast beast!
By little Commander Shepard who sold his testes
Bobble Mad an ode to the death of Batarians to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan
Registered User regular
Posts
GT: batshido Hit me up on ME3.
I mean, I've got a fever. And there is only one prescription.
Thousands of them.
So that's good if you didn't already guess
quadrilogy
it quad be good if done right
Genophage morality debates.
Should the quarians have genocided the krogan to save the council with their superior Hale voices?
What spring does with the cherry trees.
Then he'll breakdance-fight you like Eddie Gordo in Tekken, except with a gun and grenades.
Huh. I thought we knew that.
Because 9% think it's too high, and shouldn't be cut! 9% of respondents could not fully
get their arms around the question. There should be another box you can check for, "I
have utterly no idea what you're talking about. Please, God, don't ask for my input."
The Geth should have cured the genophage to overrun the council and Cerberus with a Krogan horde so that they could murder all the Batarians, narrated by Jennifer Hale, with the Widow.
while riding a rachni.
and wearing a monacle.
They are an integral part of the story telling experience
Time for more Mass Effect Drinks we'd Like to See!
Favorites from Last thread include:
The Mass Effect!...Thread
4 Quads of Rincol
Dash of Creepy Creme de Tali
3 drops of -Tal Bitters
Drop of Dox Funky Fanart
Shot of AshleyMcHitlerSchlager
Cut with a generous portion of some Priiiiizee JacobJoose
Mix Together Vigorously in a Cerberus Designed Cocktail Shaker
Stand back after shaking as the concoction will burst into flames due to Design Flaw
Strain into a Geth Cocktail Optical Unit and Garnish with a Monocle.
Shame and Failure
1 Part Batarian Ale, Uncut
1 Part Cerberus Drive Coolant
Serve in reinforced container. Preferably near easily procurable funeral arrangements due to high rate of suicide or self destruction after imbibing this concoction.
ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL...OF THIS BEVERAGE
1 cup slurrified yoomanity
1 cup slurrified krogan
1 cup slurrified asari
1 cup slurrified turian
Shake vigorously and pump into cocktail reaper. Apply proper mass effect fields and watch the party begin! YOU KNOW THIS WILL HURT YOU!
The Plain Kaicob
1 Part 2% Skim Milk
1 Part Kahlua
Dash of Hershey's Syrup
Mix into a highball glass and drink. Remain unsatisfied
The Talimancer
3 Parts Quarian...."Fluids"
1 Part Unstable Eezo
1 Part Disinfected Simple Syrup
1 Part Distilled Water
Combine all ingredients into an IV bag. Connect to coupling of your choice. Bathe in your shame.
The Bioware Forums
3 Parts Fear
3 Parts Loathing
1 Part Las Vegas
6 parts Shame
1 Gallon Everclear
Combine all ingredients into Fireproof Container and stir well. Punch Self in Face 3 Times. Light on fire. Retreat to shower for cleansing.
VANGUARD PUNCH!
3 oz Stabilized Eezo
4 quads of Rincol
3 Shots of "...It's...Green..." brand Liquor
1 Ejected Heatsink
Combine into a Titanium Re-inforced Container. Recommended to be enjoyed only by Biotics who have mastered Heavy Charge for maximum effect. Warning! Not safe for consumption around volaitile chemicals. May cause rash among lesser classes.
From Jackisreal:
The Genophage Part 1
1 Bud Light Lime
One Rad Verner
2 Parts Asari Honey Mead
Dash of Red Sand
Dash of Drell Saliva
Dash of Turian..."Tissue"
Top with Prepared Shirley Temple
Combine all ingredients into glass. Carefully back away from person imbibing this beverage as things will only go downhill from here.
WARNING! May cause loss of Higher and Lower Brain Functions. Illium is not responsible for the safety or decency of those who choose to imbibe this beverage.
Genophage Part 2, now with moar Mordin
One Can of 4 Loko Chilled
2 Tablespoons of "RincGel" (1 Tablespoon is equivalent to about 12 Quads of Condensed Rincol. Recommend preparing with Radiological Protective Gear)
1 Cup Tonka Fuel
4 Drops Kilix Blood
1 Salarian Egg
Carefully combine ingredients into Corrosive resistant container.
A full rebreather apparatus is recommended at this point due to fumes.
Recommend only preparing this beverage with adequate ventilation or in outside location not near any open flames.
Gently stir ingredients with Iridium Laced implement. Top with Salarian Egg as a garnish.
WARNING! May cause sterility in nearly every species except Vorcha, which results in Death.
From MichaelC:
The Wrex You Up
1 Part Shepard
1 Part Wrex
1 Part Shepard
1 Part Wrex
1 Part Shepard
1 Part Wrex
Chakwas Sling
3 Parts Serrice Ice Brandy
2 Parts Skyllian Gin
Dash Brittle Bones
Stir gently, pour into cold tom collins glass.
Some new ones I thought of:
Scale Itch
Pinch of Varren Skin
2 Shots Goldschlager
1 Pint Batarian Ale
2 drops Eau de Kelly
1 Unpleasant Implication
Stir into glass of your choice, it won't matter, it will only end in sadness and chafing.
Biotic Kick
2 Teaspoons refined Eezo
1 shot rincol
1 Ground Thai Ghost Chili
Stir into glass and watch the fireworks fly! Warning! Not to be consumed around asshole turians.
Humans on Their Knees
1 Cup 2% Milk
Dash of Calcium Supplement
Dash of Snark and Sarcasm
Mix well into glass, serve during ship boarding, preferably one involving evasion of enemy forces.
New thread go!
Wud yoo laek to lern aboot meatz? Look here!
This is a common misconception.
The headstone was actually dedicated to Timothy O'Leary Hanoi.
The bastard child of a Irish aid worker and a poverty striken woman who'se name was lost to history, Who despite the great disadvantage birth, rose to become a great figure and brought freedom to both the reunified Ireland and Vietnam
I'd also like it if we found out who took the potshot at the comatose Reaper and left the huge scar on Klendagon.
PS- Yay new thread!
GT: FootlongKaPow
where did all those gifs come from
That's not all of them.
Wud yoo laek to lern aboot meatz? Look here!
FTFY
If a Mass Effect MMO rolls around, I'll make a Turian character for sure.
I'll put all my stats in to Charisma, Reach, and Flexibility.
Hell yes! Hardcover codex/artbook, and model Normandy.
I wish they'd just announce what they're releasing for a collector's edition, so that I may know exactly how many dollars I'm giving Bioware for it.
GT: batshido Hit me up on ME3.
For once, I can approach the Earth-Clan and speak with them facing down rather then up, as it should be.
Same here, I'm scouring Amazon.com like nearly every day to see if it pops up. DAMMIT BIOWARE TAKE MAH MONEHS PLAX!
Wud yoo laek to lern aboot meatz? Look here!