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Should we just break up now and get it over with?

TOGSolidTOGSolid I don my top hat, and adjust my monocle,Like a god damn sir.Registered User regular
edited July 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
So my girlfriend lives with me. We've been together since January and have been living together for a couple months now. We get along great, but there's one slight issue. She's stated that eventually she would like to have kids further down the line in her life.

However, no matter how much I try and convince myself that that would be an interesting idea, it just ain't sticking. It's never been something I've desired and every time I think about it it just makes me go "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh." So I'm kinda stuck in an akward spot. Other than this whole kids issue we're doing fine but I know this is gonna be a major problem down the road. Should I just wait it out and see or just pull the eject handle now and save us the grief? (I'm turning 28, she's 27)


Note: Any attempts at trying to convince me that "kids are awesome, I know because I have kids and I think they're awesome!" will be met with ridicule and snarkiness. Please keep your hormonally biased opinion outta here.

TOGSolid on
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Posts

  • DerrickDerrick Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yes, you probably should (if you want to be fair to her). Neither of you are kids anymore. If she must have kids and you really don't want them, that's an irreconcilable difference. However, you should really sit her down and tell her that you never want kids, and knowing that she would never have children with you, does she still want to be with you?

    Basically don't make the decision for her.

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  • nuclearalchemistnuclearalchemist Registered User
    edited July 2011
    I would agree. You really need to sit down and have a chat with her about this. Kids is one of the irreconcilable differences that can arise in a relationship. But you really should sit down with her and talk about it, and make the decision as a couple, not just you making an ultimatum.

    ~Eigen-fleichen
  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    So you don't want kids. Be honest about it.
    Tell her you don't want kids and if its going to be a deal breaker, then you two should make other plans.

    You're at a slight disadvantage here becaue while you may not want children, you're perfectly capable of creating them. Add in the fact that you do not make decisions on the first 10 months of development, and just saying "I don't want kids" only comes off as infantile.

    I assume you want sex? Well..one of the side effects of sex is children.

    I hope that you're utilizing more than one method of birth control. If you don't/won't use a condom, or you leave the birth control only to your partner...well...then you're a goddamn man child and deserve whatever fate has in store for you. Protip: Cases of Huggies are best bought at Costco.

    This is all about communication..You need to be clear about what you want, and she needs to be clear about what she wants. Even if you both decide on the "No Children" rule, remember...Children are a side effect of Sex. You'll still be having sex, so decide what you'll do ahead of time if your methods of control fail (which they do). If she gets pregnant, are your expectations for her to have an abortion? Is she okay with that?

    This is a big deal. You both need to have clear understanding of each other.

  • Rear Admiral ChocoRear Admiral Choco Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    TOGSolid wrote: »
    Any attempts at trying to convince me that "kids are awesome, I know because I have kids and I think they're awesome!" will be met with ridicule and snarkiness. Please keep your hormonally biased opinion outta here.

    Whatever else you do, do not take that tone with her while discussing it. It's incredibly dickish, and that's coming from a guy who doesn't much want kids himself.

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  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yeah, honestly, you should probably break up with her. Kids are a huge deal, and neither her nor your opinion is going to change.

  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Unless you're of the mindset that 'this relationship might not be for keeps, so why bother?' I'd hesitate to say just to break up straight away.

    Kids are a serious issue. Possibly the most serious. It's not something either of you should ever compromise on for the sake of the other. Always be strict in your stance. No kids, ever, not negotiable. And if she feels just as strongly, then yeah, it's not going to work. But unless you've had a straight conversation about it with her in those terms, don't just break things off without giving her to consider and process your stance. Is she as staunch about having kids as you are to not have them?

    I'm of the opinion that if you're good together, have fun together, love and respect one another, that's a great relationship. If it runs its course, it runs its course, but there's no reason to expedite the process.

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  • melting_dollmelting_doll Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I disagree that minds won't change. I used to want at least two kids if not more, and nowadays I think to myself I wouldn't want more than one, if any.

    If you're in a good relationship, keep it good by talking about it with her. I agree that it's wrong to make the decision for her.

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  • EgoEgo Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Two words.

    Secret vasectomy.

    ...

    OK, really though, if kids are what she wants and kids are not what you want, that's a big deal. The only way to know if that's a problem you can work around will be through dialogue.

    Erik
  • BlindZenDriverBlindZenDriver Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Move on. Tell her why and either she will agree with parting or she will insist it's not problem because she is secretly gonna thing you will change.

    Also do consider a vasectomy - it makes many things much simpler.

    Bones heal, glory is forever.
  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Derrick wrote: »
    Yes, you probably should (if you want to be fair to her). Neither of you are kids anymore. If she must have kids and you really don't want them, that's an irreconcilable difference. However, you should really sit her down and tell her that you never want kids, and knowing that she would never have children with you, does she still want to be with you?

    Basically don't make the decision for her.

    This.

    She might not really want kids, it might just be part of some really superficial social conditioning that she might not truly desire more than her love for you and a continued relationship with you.

    And do get a vasectomy to show her that you are serious about this, so that she won't get the impression that you'll "come around" eventually.

  • Aurora BorealisAurora Borealis Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    And do get a vasectomy to show her that you are serious about this, so that she won't get the impression that you'll "come around" eventually.

    If you saaay you don't think you want kids but you won't consider a vasectomy, no girl who really wants kids is going to believe you.

    If you were 22 and 23 I would say wait it out a year or two and reevaluate. But you are not. You are both approaching your 30s. That little clock in her head is only going to get louder. And the longer she waits the more difficult/riskier/expensive/stressful it will be.

    Don't make her wait for something that's not going to happen. If you do not want kids you must break up with her. And the sooner the better.

  • CasualCasual Revolver Ocelot (Revolver Ocelot)Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    At the age you both are now I'd say it would be unfair to her to ignore the problem if you know in your heart of hearts you're not ever going to change your mind. Explain it to her that you are not going to change your mind about this and leave the ball in her court.

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  • LewieP's MummyLewieP's Mummy Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I had genetic counselling, with LewieP's Daddy when I was 18, him 19, as I needed to know if my disability was hereditary, as I would not have had children if it had been. I needed him to know that then, so he could make an informed choice about whether he wanted to stay with me or not. Thankfully, its not hereditary.

    Tell her straight. We can only bear children for a set number of years, you could potentially father a child in your 80s. If she stays with you in the hope you may change your mind cos you've not been straight with her, she could end up being biologically stuffed, as the older we get, the harder it is to become pregnant and bear children. Then get a vasectomy, and be very up front with any woman you meet/have a relationship with in the future.

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  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Are you at the age when either of you are thinking about marriage? If so, then it may be the right time to break up. So you can look for partners who better fit your plans for the future.

    If you aren't interested in getting married and/or building a lifelong relationship, though, then there's no reason to let your opinion on children come between you. Your future plans shouldn't get in the way of your immediate happiness if, regardless of whether or not you agree on children, those plans are still a long distance away from being fulfilled.

  • ValaenaValaena Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Aww, TOG. :( if you don't mind me asking, what don't you like about kids? As in, have you guys talked about adoption? You might get to skip the little child stage and go straight into not as little child phase.

    Of course, if you flat out don't like the small folk, disregard this!

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    I have no desire to talk people into or out of having children; it's a terribly personal decision. You do need to talk to her, though... make sure she's even still of the mind that she definitely wants kids, and make it clear where you stand on the matter. Let her make the decision, but make it clear that your mind won't change.

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  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    If there's a conversation about kids and you have a vasectomy, people tend to just drop it. It's obvious your mind is made up at that point, and they leave you alone about it.

    It's rather nice, my girl and I do not want kids. Her parents essentially used to hassle her about it before we got together. I've been snipped, and thus they have shut up. When people at work ask why I hate kids, I tell them I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. Inevitably they tell me I'll change my mind someday and I just make a scissor motion with my hand and they either get the hint and understand that I'm serious about my view, or they don't and continue to badger me at which point I just say "I got snipped, so no, I wont be changing my mind."

    You need to keep in mind, while a vasectomy is reversible it's not just a cut pipe that gets glued back together. Your body actually develops a means by which there is a little sperm-genocide going on at all times, so even when the vas def is rejoined, your sperm count will be prohibitively low.

    I would say get a Vasectomy if you're serious about this, have the conversation beforehand. She wont be left wondering and will have to accept that this is something you're not going to waver on and make up her mind.

    Personally, in the future I think when you say you don't want kids, and someone who does is willing to have sex with you, you need to not consider it a long-term relationship situation, not without a very serious discussion (which will be easier and much more brief if you've been fixed).

  • bwaniebwanie Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    my wife and i decided to try for children when we reached 30.

    at 28 we were both still convinced we did not want to have kids.

    so....yeah. there's that too.

  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Looks like the consensus is to get a vasectomy and have a serious discussion with your lady beforehand as well as after said procedure.

  • Descendant XDescendant X Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I'ma echo talking to her about it, but also know that your opinion may change at some point.

    My wife and I have vaccilated between yes and no throughout our marriage. At this point it's not even an issue. When we got married, I wanted kids and she didn't.

    People do change. Don't throw away a great relationship if there may be some wiggle room in this decision.

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  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    If you're serious enough about the no-kids thing to consider a vasectomy, have a conversation with your lady to that effect and then make a doctor's appointment. If she's ok with you being that serious and decides she wants to be with you without future chilluns, good for you both. If not, she deserves to know sooner rather than later that she needs to find another partner to breed with.

    Also, to pull the big sister card here, this is one of those things that you should have talked about and decided on as a couple before you decided to cohabitate.

    So yeah, 1) talk, 2) get snipped -- trust me, as a partner of a dude with a vasectomy, it is extremely rad to not have to worry about accidental babies.

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  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Usagi wrote: »
    If you're serious enough about the no-kids thing to consider a vasectomy, have a conversation with your lady to that effect and then make a doctor's appointment. If she's ok with you being that serious and decides she wants to be with you without future chilluns, good for you both. If not, she deserves to know sooner rather than later that she needs to find another partner to breed with.

    Also, to pull the big sister card here, this is one of those things that you should have talked about and decided on as a couple before you decided to cohabitate.

    So yeah, 1) talk, 2) get snipped -- trust me, as a partner of a dude with a vasectomy, it is extremely rad to not have to worry about accidental babies.

    Slightly off-topic, but how long did you have to rest after your surgery before you could get back to work?

  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Shanadeus wrote: »
    Usagi wrote: »
    If you're serious enough about the no-kids thing to consider a vasectomy, have a conversation with your lady to that effect and then make a doctor's appointment. If she's ok with you being that serious and decides she wants to be with you without future chilluns, good for you both. If not, she deserves to know sooner rather than later that she needs to find another partner to breed with.

    Also, to pull the big sister card here, this is one of those things that you should have talked about and decided on as a couple before you decided to cohabitate.

    So yeah, 1) talk, 2) get snipped -- trust me, as a partner of a dude with a vasectomy, it is extremely rad to not have to worry about accidental babies.

    Slightly off-topic, but how long did you have to rest after your surgery before you could get back to work?

    Unless you're a professional weight lifter, one day is plenty of time. They don't close the wound and the worst of it will be your junk itching while the hair grows back, as long as you don't take a direct hit with a foot to the ballsack, it'll just be tender when you sit or run up stairs.

    Edit: "Surgery" is a little misleading, while technically correct tends to freak people out... It takes literally 10 minutes. I had a wart removed once and it took longer and was more painful.

  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011
    dispatch.o wrote: »
    Shanadeus wrote: »
    Usagi wrote: »
    If you're serious enough about the no-kids thing to consider a vasectomy, have a conversation with your lady to that effect and then make a doctor's appointment. If she's ok with you being that serious and decides she wants to be with you without future chilluns, good for you both. If not, she deserves to know sooner rather than later that she needs to find another partner to breed with.

    Also, to pull the big sister card here, this is one of those things that you should have talked about and decided on as a couple before you decided to cohabitate.

    So yeah, 1) talk, 2) get snipped -- trust me, as a partner of a dude with a vasectomy, it is extremely rad to not have to worry about accidental babies.

    Slightly off-topic, but how long did you have to rest after your surgery before you could get back to work?

    Unless you're a professional weight lifter, one day is plenty of time. They don't close the wound and the worst of it will be your junk itching while the hair grows back, as long as you don't take a direct hit with a foot to the ballsack, it'll just be tender when you sit or run up stairs.

    Edit: "Surgery" is a little misleading, while technically correct tends to freak people out... It takes literally 10 minutes. I had a wart removed once and it took longer and was more painful.

    My doctor has, probably in an effort to dissuade me from doing it, warned me of it sometimes taking up to a week to heal up so it's interesting to hear that.

  • StraygatsbyStraygatsby Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    bwanie wrote: »
    my wife and i decided to try for children when we reached 30.

    at 28 we were both still convinced we did not want to have kids.

    so....yeah. there's that too.


    This. I can't tell you how many friends I've seen change their minds between 25 and 35.

    /stillnotabreeder@33
    /neversayneverthough

  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011
    bwanie wrote: »
    my wife and i decided to try for children when we reached 30.

    at 28 we were both still convinced we did not want to have kids.

    so....yeah. there's that too.


    This. I can't tell you how many friends I've seen change their minds between 25 and 35.

    /stillnotabreeder@33
    /neversayneverthough

    Don't really want this to turn into a debate but that probably tells more about how society is very effective at socially pressuring people into having kids.

    Heck, it's happened in this thread alone plenty of times.

  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    You should let her know that you've thought about it and you don't want kids, and don't think you'll ever want to have kids, and see what she wants to do. You don't have to break it off , but you owe it to her to let her know your opinion on the matter if your mind is as made up as it is. Neither of your minds are likely to change from the ensuing discussion, but right now you know something very important that will likely inform the direction of the relationship.

    While it certainly makes sense to have a vasectomy to ensure you do not reproduce, I think it's kind of ridiculous to have it done just to telegraph that position.
    Shanadeus wrote: »
    Don't really want this to turn into a debate but that probably tells more about how society is very effective at socially pressuring people into having kids.

    Heck, it's happened in this thread alone plenty of times.

    So it's not at all informed by people entering different parts of their lives and their priorities changing?

  • bwaniebwanie Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Shanadeus wrote: »
    bwanie wrote: »
    my wife and i decided to try for children when we reached 30.

    at 28 we were both still convinced we did not want to have kids.

    so....yeah. there's that too.


    This. I can't tell you how many friends I've seen change their minds between 25 and 35.

    /stillnotabreeder@33
    /neversayneverthough

    Don't really want this to turn into a debate but that probably tells more about how society is very effective at socially pressuring people into having kids.

    Heck, it's happened in this thread alone plenty of times.

    and pray tell, what happened in society exactly between my 28 and 30 birthday to pressure me into said kids?

  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    Shanadeus if this turns into a debate I am holding you personally responsible. This is not D&D.

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  • SwashbucklerXXSwashbucklerXX Swashbucklin' Canuck Fabulously Ford-Free TorontoRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    dispatch.o wrote: »
    If there's a conversation about kids and you have a vasectomy, people tend to just drop it. It's obvious your mind is made up at that point, and they leave you alone about it.

    Ha ha, you think the conversation ends quickly for you? Try being a woman who has had a tubal ligation. Apart from close friends, I only drop that one when somebody has been really obnoxious in asking why we don't have kids, and I just looove the awkward silence that follows. I swear, to some [silly geese who think everyone should feel the way they do] it's like telling them that you voluntarily chopped off your head.

    Anyway, OP, if you do feel strongly enough to get a vasectomy, don't be a dick and get it without talking to your partner first. She deserves that much. If you're not quite that certain, just be super-open with her about exactly where you stand on things and about the fact that you honestly don't know whether you'll ever want kids and you can't promise that you'll ever change your mind.

    It's absolutely ok not to know for sure yet, but it's also more than possible that you're just not down with having kids and that's not going to change. Contrary to some of the other posters, in my circle of friends, all of us who strongly didn't want kids in our mid-20s continue to feel that way in our mid-30s, and most of my friends who really wanted kids "someday" in their early to mid-20s have managed to reproduce by now.

    If you can, try not to put the entire decision on her. It's also an important choice for you... even if she thinks she might be willing to wait it out (like, she's willing to raise kids later in life by adopting or whatever), you have to decide if you're ok being with somebody who may become extremely unhappy if you never change your mind. That's an awful thing to have to go through as a couple, and personally I'd far rather go through the painful breakup when younger than risk the excrutiating breakup when older, but everybody's different.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    That's an awful thing to have to go through as a couple, and personally I'd far rather go through the painful breakup when younger than risk the excrutiating breakup when older, but everybody's different.

    There's also the fact that it's much easier to meet new people whose priorities align with yours when you're young.

    Do not let the breeders pressure you!

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  • Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Stop calling us breeders.

    ceres wrote: »
    Skoal Cat is correct.
  • bwaniebwanie Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    nobody is pressuring anyone.

    breeders is a really dumb insult. like you have no idea how ignorant it makes you sound.

    ejecting from thread.

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Breeders is not intended as an insult. It is descriptive.

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    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
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  • ChillyWillyChillyWilly Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Why are people using the phrase "breeders", like people who have/want children need another name besides "parents" or "eventual parents"? Just like I'm pretty sure the people who don't want children don't wish to be called names, I'm pretty sure people who want children would appreciate the same courtesy. Grow up, you silly geese.

    Anyway OP, just talk to your girl. Communication is still the most important thing in a relationship, regardless of what the issue is. Maybe she'll understand and maybe she won't. Maybe you two will stay together and maybe you won't. Who knows? Maybe either you or her will change your mind one of these days and you won't have to have a difference of opinion.

    But the point is that you need to be upfront so she knows what's up with the relationship. It's the easiest hardest thing you'll ever do. :D

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  • Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Breeders is not intended as an insult. It is descriptive.

    So is cock sucker.

    ceres wrote: »
    Skoal Cat is correct.
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Skoal Cat wrote: »
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Breeders is not intended as an insult. It is descriptive.

    So is cock sucker.

    Fornicator is less vulgar, and includes those who don't perform the action you implied. However the traditional definition implies marital status, whereas I think given modern social mores it implies intent.

    Breeders was a term I've only heard amongst the non-straight community to refer to straight couples who aren't against the idea of their union resulting in procreation. If straight couples with no intention of procreating have adopted it to look down amongst their peers who don't share that perspective, well all I can say is you're trying too hard, and the gays are cooler than you.

  • Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User
    edited July 2011
    I have never heard it used in a positive/ neutral light and I've been seeing it online for years.

    ceres wrote: »
    Skoal Cat is correct.
  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User
    edited July 2011


    Good luck with your gal, OP.

  • Irond WillIrond Will WARNING: NO HURTFUL COMMENTS, PLEASE!!!!! Cambridge. MASuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    I've never heard "Breeders" used in anything besides a snide or derogatory context

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