Although this thread is technically about boys and the girls who whip them (
), I would like to share this tale of the converse: when a boy pays not enough attention to a girl to the detriment of both parties (a totally true story of one man's apparently incomprehensible decision to not put the girl first).
So yesterday I was sitting at the PC while my wife had a spa bath, flicking through some game design articles and catching up on the forums when I hear my wife behind me say "I think it's time for bed" and I turn and see her standing there in a lacy g-string and see-through baby doll that ribbons up at the front.
As my jaw hits the floor, she simply turns and walks away saucily, every signal she's making sending signals straight past my higher-function cognitive centers and into that deeply primal part of the brain that short cuts all logical thought.
When I get to the bedroom, it's lit by a soft light. She is lying back on some pillows, and the bedside table is littered with a selection of toys, lube and massage butter. Restraints have been attached to the corners of the bed, but, most importantly, the expression on her face is most definitely an angry scowl.
"You made me wait" she says, "You never make a girl wait".
Because on my way to the bedroom, I thought to myself 'where's the dog? I better put the dog away', so went back and got the dog and put her on her mat in the laundry. Then, seeing as I put the dog away, I thought I'd better turn out the lights and lock up the house, so I wandered around the doors doing that. Then, on the way down to the bedroom, I passed the bathroom, and thought I'd better make a stop there. And while I was doing so, I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and realised I had forgotten to shave, so started up the hot water and got rid of my two days worth of stubble. All of which is vaguely humourous if it wasn't so completely and utterly not what I should be doing
Like, what was I even thinking? When a girl invites you to a bedroom with intent
, who the fuck stops to shave? Looking back on my evening, it's like some bizarre outtake of a Steve Carrell movie: when it all goes horribly wrong and it's all your fault
So, who's got two thumbs and completely screwed up his chance for a wild night of lascivious ecstasy yesterday?
Feel free to point out how stupid I am. And learn this moral of the story: sometimes bros before hoes, but there are definitely times hoes need to come before other things. Know the difference, and preserve your chance for wild, uninhibited body-butter-and-cuffs sex.