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Awesome: 'Pathetic Geek Stories - the Return of the Geekening' by Blankzilla
Blankzilla
We were the best, RichardNo matter what they sayRegistered User regular
We were the best, RichardNo matter what they sayRegistered User regular
Bedigunz likes this Post written by Blankzilla
Okay, the Kamehameha story:about two years ago
"His dad's reaction made me stop breathing"
During Elementary School me and the neighborhood kids loved watching Toonami and all of the good-to-crappy anime that came with it. Our favorite, of course, was Dragon Ball Z. We obsessed over every episode, came up with our own characters and talked about how we were totally sayians you guys.
Our game of choice was Story. It was essentially Fanfiction Masterpiece Theatre mixed with DnD. We had one kid be the storyteller, they would decide whether something a player did was allowed within the story, meanwhile the rest of us pulled out characters from anything we could thing of and went wild.
Surprisingly, there was only one girl in the group. Her name was Erin and she was the older sister of one of the younger guys, and the same age as me. This, of course, made her the perfect woman to me. Unfortunately, another guy in the group, also named Zach, thought the same thing.
Zach and I didn't get along very well. He was loud, angry and kind of a nerdy meathead. Unfortunately that meant that he completely outclassed me physically. Story was pretty much the only time I could get a leg up on him.
So, we were playing the usual game. I was Goku, he was Vegeta and we were in a duel to the death. Punches were thrown, energy balls were flying. It was a battle of the ages. Of course, if you were driving by it would have looked like two idiot kids running around screaming things at each other. An easy mistake to make.
So, the battle raged on. I looked to the sidelines and saw Erin watching. My time had come. I looked Zach dead in the eyes, cocked a smile and yelled "SUPER SAIYAN INFINITY". The unstoppable move. There was no way he could top it. I look at Erin and start to smile when I hear to my side "uh...well..SUPER SAIYAN DOUBLE INFINITY"
What the fuck was he doing. There is no double infinity. Infinity is the highest it goes! He was breaking the rules.
And so it went until we reached Ninth Infinity. Finally, the storyteller tells us to stop powering up and just fight each other. While playing a DBZ game. Hilarious.
I plant my feet, channel my ki and send the best spirit bomb in the entire world crashing into his head.
He throws a soccer ball at my dick and yells KAMEHAMEHA.
To make it worse, being a young man who was thinking about a pretty girl, I had a raging erection.
I don't think I've ever seen my dad laugh so hard as when I came limping in and explained what happened.
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The Costume
Traditionally, the school lets the elementary school kids dress up in their costumes for giggles. However, the year prior apparently couldn't get their shit together and caused an uproar over inappropriate costumes. So, they cancelled our costume day.
I didn't get the memo.
So, I show up to the bus stop wearing a Digimon costume. Not just any Digimon, I was Agumon.
For those that don't know, this is Agumon:
I waddle onto the bus, foam tail bobbing behind me, only to find that not a single kid is in costume. Everyone simply stares at me, mouths agape. I try to shuffle my way to the back as fast as I can, only to pass laughing and pointing pretty much the whole way. I even had to get a seat to myself because the tail took up too much room.
The rest of the day was fairly normal, albeit filled with laughter and little kid mocking. Then the principal's voice crackled over the intercom. Lo and behold, it was time for a school-wide assembly. I had to march into the cafeteria, where I confirmed that I was, in fact, the only person at school wearing a costume.
I cried my eyes out in the bathroom for the rest of the day until the buses arrived.
The really sad part?
Beat that, bitches.
Swimmin' in a River:
So I went to Wyoming with my, still 6 years later, best friend, Drew, and his family, the Demarests. They were, attmitedly, a nerdy family themselves. They had old computers long since scavenged for parts lying around the house, dozens of Star Wars EU novels on the bookshelves and the daughter made her own anime cosplay. I thought these were my people. I was mistaken.
You see, the difference between me and the Demarests was that I was a city nerd, they were country nerds. Drew could program Linux, change out an engine and construct a wooden fence in the same 12 hour period. I could play Halo kinda well and eat a whole lot of Puffy Cheetos.
So they drag me on a car ride to Wyoming. From Oklahoma. Luckily, Drew's sister brought along her cute little Italian exchange student friend. She didn't speak the best English but I didn't really care! It took quite a while, but eventually we got there. After dropping off our supplies at their cabin, we headed to one of the swimmable rivers near Yellowstone.
I am not a good swimmer. I would never claim to be a good swimmer. I am alright at the doggy paddle and that is about it. This river, unlike every other pool/beach I've been in, has a pretty decent current. I'm immediately overwhelmed. Meanwhile, the Demarests are partying like it's the goddamn Little Mermaid in this river. I eventually cling to a rock, where I try to catch my breath after going under a few times. It is there, shivering and cold holding on to a slick rock for dear life, that I hear my best friend shout out the following words:
"Don't worry Zack. I'll save you!"
He dives in like fucking Aquaman and, thinking I was stuck on the rock, yanks me off my safe haven. I think I flipped him off as I submerged into the river again. Eventually I scramble my way to shore and decide that the river is for assholes. I grab a towel, sit down on the beach and continue to read my book of choice for the trip: The novelization of Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson.
I get about a page into it before I get a very annoying and kind of painful sting on my foot. And then another on my leg. And another on my thigh. They increase and increase until I finally get up and discover I am covered in very tiny, very angry fire ants. It seems I placed my towel on the only anthill on the entire damn beach.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the car reading or playing Tetris on my phone.
The Hose
So me and the cute Italian girl, Francesca, were doing dishes. Normally I hate dishes, but I was okay with it for some reason. Drew's dad announces that he has a bonfire going and that we should make s'mores. Having gotten the bitchfish and was still very much hungry, I offered to help. Besides, handling manly fire would impress her more than doing the dishes, right?
I handled no fire. In fact, I was specifically instructed to not handle anything resembling the fire. But I got to eat delicious, delicious s'mores so it was a wash, really. Then Drew's dad says he's gonna grab the hose to put out the fire. I volunteered. If I couldn't make the fire then by god I was going to murder it.
The hose was a very long, somewhat old rubber one that was wound up underneath the cabin. I dragged it through the underbrush to the bonfire site just a few hundred feet away from the cabin. I then placed it down and ran back, turning the water on. I bolted back, thinking the torrent of water would send the hose flying. It didn't. In fact, no water came at all. I thought it was just being slow, so I held it towards the fire and waited.
and waited.
and waited.
Finally, I wonder if it is even working, so held it up towards my face to get a look down thWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGLBR
Turns out, the hose was just really long.
So, I got a face full of water and came waddling into the cabin, soaked and embarassed.
Francesca came up to me, the conquering Fireslayer, and smiled. And laughed. And laughed.
She said, in her broken English "Zack, you funny just like Homer Simpson."
I did not woo this woman.
Steaaaaaaam
Five stars. I mean I can't actually hand them over right now, but I will at your earliest convenience
Trunk Club
Steaaaaaaam
Wonderful.
Same here. I laughed so much I had trouble breathing. :lol:
I can totally understand the father. I would have laughed my ass off as well.
EDIT: Jesus christ, that digimon story makes me want to hug the past you.
Digimon story makes me think of Anasi Boys and President's Day.
That was a good book.
That made my evening.
oh god
ahahahahaha
(*) (*) (*) (*) (*)
Oh man, if my sister and I were younger, when started watching Dragonball Z, we totally would have been running around role-playing Goku/Vegeta battles, too. But we were just high schoolers goofing around. So instead, all I have is one brilliant moment outside at dusk, where I randomly mimed out a powering up scene and (by sheer coincedence) there was a loud crack of thunder (plus wicked lightening) to enhance the moment when I ascended to Super Saiyan. It was perfect.
I
Yeah the digimon story is harsh man
I want to hug him too
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Excellent stories though.