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I am: Punctuation's bitch.
Sarcastro
Registered User
Registered User
Okay, so I have rewritten this paragraph so many times it has lost all meaning. It has grown to three pages, and been bitchslapped back to this one paragraph. No matter how involved or minimalistic it gets, it sounds freaking terrible.
His core had confirmed many times: All humans know that they are not machines. Humans cannot understand that which they are not a part of. Any human will fear a threat they don’t understand, and so any given human would always fear a threatening machine. The humans could pass their laws, enforce safety protocols, request design specifications, distribute marketing propaganda, do whatever they could conceive of to persuade the humans that machines existed for the benefit of humans. When Echo was before them, they knew the truth. He was machine, and felt nothing.
It is supposed to sound slightly mechanical, I'm doing a piece which involves contrasting between human and robotic narratives. But that colon is messed up, and the train of thought should run smooth, click, click, click, click.
The idea governing this paragraph is that Echo (our hero) understands and accepts that at certain levels humanity and machines are interdependant, but not at the individual level. This realization, that a machine is not in any way affected by the needs of one specific person, indirectly amplifies the terror and fear in those who recognize Echo's nature.
This paragraph's job is to support the main reason why Echo chooses to have a strikingly inhuman look but a basic two arms, two legs frame; the similarities enhance the primal differences between man and machine, and the instinctive reaction to those differences (fear) gives him the upper hand for a split second against humans during combat.
Any ideas for improvement would be terrific, and help with that goddamn colon would be simply outstanding.
His core had confirmed many times: All humans know that they are not machines. Humans cannot understand that which they are not a part of. Any human will fear a threat they don’t understand, and so any given human would always fear a threatening machine. The humans could pass their laws, enforce safety protocols, request design specifications, distribute marketing propaganda, do whatever they could conceive of to persuade the humans that machines existed for the benefit of humans. When Echo was before them, they knew the truth. He was machine, and felt nothing.
It is supposed to sound slightly mechanical, I'm doing a piece which involves contrasting between human and robotic narratives. But that colon is messed up, and the train of thought should run smooth, click, click, click, click.
The idea governing this paragraph is that Echo (our hero) understands and accepts that at certain levels humanity and machines are interdependant, but not at the individual level. This realization, that a machine is not in any way affected by the needs of one specific person, indirectly amplifies the terror and fear in those who recognize Echo's nature.
This paragraph's job is to support the main reason why Echo chooses to have a strikingly inhuman look but a basic two arms, two legs frame; the similarities enhance the primal differences between man and machine, and the instinctive reaction to those differences (fear) gives him the upper hand for a split second against humans during combat.
Any ideas for improvement would be terrific, and help with that goddamn colon would be simply outstanding.
Sarcastro on
Posts
Anyway, punctuation.
How about "His core had confirmed many times THAT..."
Thank you, Rubacava!
--
Echo's core had confirmed it. The humans no longer believed that they were machines. Thier creations had surpassed thier understanding and they could no longer relate to the life they had made. They claimed to care for and watch over Echo's kind, but with every move thier growing fear was evident.
With every law, every safety protocol, every recorded design specification, human intrusion into the lives of self-maintained machines grew more callous and oppressive. Human life was prized above any other, worshipped by them as the ultimate state of existance, while their machines were made only to sacrifice.
---
And no, Echo wasn't built for philosphy, but he does observe and tends to put human things into mechanical terms. Echo is not the first sentient machine, but merely a citizen in a machine community. He is, however, the second generation of self-maintained (sentient) machines built by machines, and is slowly starting to realize that machines don't need humans to survive. I'm not going for a T2 thing, but a story which details the rise of machine intelligence and its eventual acceptance into human society.
Though, machines expounding semiotics and epistemology smacks of The Matrix.
Thank you, Rubacava!
I suppose it does run along some similar themes, much in the same way stories about space exploration always lead back to Star Trek.
I will maintain that I am having flashbacks, but as always, it is tough to make accurate assumptions based on a paragraph.
But I am feeling very optimistic. I dig AIs hardcore.
Thank you, Rubacava!
Well, I'm pretty much fucked then. But in my defence, most of my AIs are older than mankind.
Sarcastro: didn't comment on your earlier draft, but yeah, that new offering is definitely much more streamlined by comparison. But it's so small! It's like expecting a food critic to comment on half a grape...
Where do the larger stories go? I don't think it would fit in a post...